Mr. Wilcox, I am Demented!

Hi kids.

2006-03-30T16:17:00.000-06:00

So, I know I haven't updated in a while. I have been keeping a journal, though. A secret one. And I'm sorry for not telling y'all sooner. I have a friends-only journal on LiveJournal.com. Sorry, it's my weird freaky privacy thing. If you have a LiveJournal account, friend me! My username is iheartbagels. I probably won't write here anymore, but who knows. I may come back.

True Stories:

2006-01-24T13:30:00.000-06:00

-I have the highest free-throw average of all the girls in my gym class. Seriously. 50%.

-I just made a Bio test my bitch... only I wish Alex was at school today so I could tell her... because we definitely (ab)use that expression way too much. Only, no, she is sick, and that makes me sad. Le sigh.

-My dad thinks that me and my algebra-deficient self are going to hike it over to NWTC for college.

-I shop at the Red Fancy Market.

-Actual conversations:

Allison (I think): Is Mr. Schultz's baby a boy or a girl?
Mrs. Campbell: Yes...

Mrs. Campbell: Well, you know how when you have a heart attack, you can only feel it in one shoulder?
Me: Yeah, that happens to me allll the time.

-George calls bolding text "a special effect."

Harrrrrrr. The past few days.

2006-01-05T20:55:00.000-06:00

Hmmm. The past few days have pretty much been the usual. I have had a pirate noise stuck in my head all day.

We made a fun cooking video for French. There is a lot of mixing. And after that, not much cooking. A lot of making-fun-of-Mademichelle, random shots of Pencil Case, me reciting the Gettysburg Address, Chelsea's impression of Rainbow Brite, and a full minute of us saying "forevaeva." Mostly, Madame just laughs at us, and wonders why we let Pencil Case use a knife, especially in the few shots when it's dangerously close to Jill's hand. But it's really all in good fun. Squawky nitpickers aren't, but what are you gonna do.

Stary said poop a lot of times in English today. Chelsea laughed really hard. I told Erik that he has verbal diarrhea, and it is true. Chelsea laughed really hard. I'm sure other things happened, and I'm also sure Chelsea laughed really hard at those, too.

History class is the usual. Obscene and ridiculous stories. Even obscener and ridiculouser bizarre and random similarities between Mrs. Campbell and me. Except that I don't have a crazy 90s-mom driver's liscence picture or a crazy Jennifer-Wilbanks-in-overalls Sam's Club card picture. (For the record. I do have Jennifer Wilbanks pictures, just not in overalls. My god.) Oh, and if you want to hear the most Caucasian thing ever, ask her to sing "No Scrubs" for you sometime. "Trying to holler at me!" Oh, and Jacob keeps sending me notes as the Phantom of the History Class and thinking I won't find out it's him... even when I see him writing the notes.

Hmmm. Today in Geo/Trig, Kathleen asked Havi, "Mr. Havi, do you ever get the giggles?" He just looked at her for a brief moment and then sighed, "No, I don't think so, Kathleen." Oh. And we could hear Jacob screaming from French class. But we don't usually go a day or two without hearing random screaming from French class, so, you know, that wasn't unusual.

So, Happy New Year's, kids. My birthday is four weeks from Saturday. I turn sixteen, so buy me presents.

My friends are deranged.

2005-12-30T17:48:00.000-06:00

Hmmm. So I felt as if I should probably blog about last night. I am trying to think of a word to sum it up, and everything I think of is pretty much synonymous with "insane." Alex, Chels, and Jacob came over to my house, followed by a late Pencil Case. Oh, and Sheebz (formerly Sheebs) and Mr. Sheebz and Ricky, of course.

First, we played a rousing game of Karaoke Revolution, which Alex kindly brought. I managed to get a perfect score on "I Love Rock and Roll". Which is not a hard song, so it wasn't much of an accomplishment... but then Alex and Jacob got determined to beat me, and they were nowhere close. Sheebs (she was still Sheebs at this point) decided to partake in the fun, and when I was helping her build her character, I accidentally wrote "Sheebz" and it stuck. ...And Jacob's character was a showgirl. Question mark. Alex and Sheebz made fun of Fr. Larry while I was trying to sing "Dust in the Wind" and I probably got the worst score ever because I was laughing the entire time. Because Alex and Sheebz trying to do the Fr. Larry face is just funny. Oh, and Alex murders flamingo cookies and so Sheebz makes fun of her by also making fun of the mentally handicapped. I'm so glad I have such a politically correct mom.

Then Pencil Case arrived and was quite disturbed by Jacob's character being a showgirl. We quit Karaoke shortly afterward (well, we all left for food while Chels was singing "Crazy in Love" and she didn't notice for about a full two minutes) and moved onto the best game of all time, Beyond Balderdash. That is a thoroughly magnificent game, let me tell you. We don't even play for points, we just play to laugh. Here are the best answers:

"The Nasty Rabbit: Bugs Bunny's first on-screen three way with Daisy Duck and Roger Rabbit." -Jacob

"The Nasty Rabbit: Tales of a kinky rabbit in a land of candy and shortcake." -Chelsea

"The Nasty Rabbit: Pimp bunny Mr. Nasty... (that is all I remember because we were laughing so hard by that point.)" -Sheebz

"E.W. Flosdorff: Helped save African children from potechers." (This one is written exactly how it is on the card. Potechers means "poachers.") -Chels

"G.A.T.F.: Gay America Tittilates France." -Jacob

Yes. Then Chels and Jacob went to play video games with Ricky as we all moved onto a very fun game called Imaginiff. The whole time we played, we could hear Jacob screaming profanities and getting mad from the den. Then Jacob came back to play Imaginiff. He declared that he thinks Chels and Ricky were flirting in there, then he decided that if Sheebz were a magazine, she would be a cross between Playboy and Vogue. Because that wasn't disturbing at all.

After Imaginiff, which I won, Jacob decided to put on a show for us. First, he put slices of sausage with holes cut in the middles over his eyes. Then Alex said, "I will eat a dog treat if you pay me two dollars!" We laughed at her. Then she and Jacob actually did eat dog treats... except Jacob covered his with cheese, sausage, and... frosting. Frosting! I thought I was going to vomit.

Anyway, Chels finally came to join us to see what we were laughing about for the last half hour. She came just in time to witness Jacob making art with napkins and scissors. The art, for the record, included a napkin G-string.

All in all, it was a very insane night, and Chels and Pencil Case have pictures that probably explain it much better than I did.

There is an unwritten law that every time I write in this thing, Ricky is making a TV dinner.

2005-12-27T11:24:00.000-06:00

Anyway. I hope you all had lovely holidays. Mine was the usual. We went down to Madison for Christmas Eve to be with Sheebs's side of the family. They are quite entertaining. I am supposed to talk about my uncle Brian. Brian Becker. I had to talk to him by his full name because he wants to Google himself and find this blog. So I did. Christmas was also the usual. I have a cell phone now, so ask for the number.

Yesterday was the day after Christmas, for those of you who, like me, have no sense of time whatsoever. I went bowling with Kathy, Peg, and the cousins. Since they are quite young, we had bumpers, which I tried not to use as much as possible. And, honestly, I am a much better bowler than I once was. I got a 103 on the first game, and really really bad on the second game. Then we played DDR in the arcade. I beat everyone... because the only people who are actually worse at that game than I am are my family.

Then, after random loud birthday family thing, I went over to Elly's house for movies and games. It was very enjoyable. First, we played Trivial Pursuit 90's Edition. Alex managed to get a single pie, which is actually kind of remarkable for her. I got three. Then we quit, because, clearly, none of us have any clue about the decade we were born in. And Pencil Case kept answering Alex's questions and she got all pissed. In the middle of the game, Elly or Alex (I can't remember which) randomly declared, "Did you know that Ali is a Quaker?!" and that was kind of amusing. Because random statements generally are.

Afterward, we played Pit, which is a very fun and random game. It's more fun when you don't play for points, however. We watched My Best Friend's Wedding for a bit, and we also ate. These two activities consist of many random statements from Pencil Case that he swears never happened. And one thing that he swears did happen that I have absolutely no recollection of.

Alex: Yeah, sequels are never better than the originals, though.
Pencil Case: No, that one was. You know, that one movie.
All of Us: Um... that helps.
Me: Who was in it?
Pencil Case: That one guy.

Pencil Case, in the middle of the movie: Let's play that game again. Mastodon or whatever it's called.

Pencil Case, again in the middle of the movie: Are they virgins?

Pencil Case: Kellie, do you remember that one time in French class last year when Madame called Paul a "poop sack?"
Me: No... Pencil Case, I think I would have remembered that. Are you making this up?
Pencil Case: Nooooo! She said, "Slim Jim, stop being such a poop sack!" and then we all laughed at her and she goes, "What, isn't poop sack what all the cool kids are saying these days?"
Yeahhhhh. Okay. It was a very fun night.

"All I want for Christmas is peace and quiet..."

2005-12-21T18:34:00.000-06:00

So. My life is very fun, I would have to admit. Even with the eighty five quizzes/tests I took today and the eighty five more I have to take tomorrow. I know, it's exaggeration, shut up--- and, also, I know that if they're that bad I should be studying and not Blogging. They aren't that bad. Just a big pain.

Hmmm. I'm not even sure why today was so good. Bio, we watched Gattaca-- also known as the most awful movie alive. There are dirty words in it, too. I don't think we should be hearing those words, especially not in Biology class, and especially not more than once. I mean, the only word we ever really hear multiple times in that class is "okay."

Boy do I hate the way TV dinners smell.

Anyway, Geo/Trig was the usual. Havi is just full of random noises lately, and Kathleen just replies every time with the Nasal Laugh and that causes all of us to laugh. Anyway, I wish I had a seat that allowed me better conversations.

History was Jeopardy, and can I just say that my team dominated? I mean, I was a bit worried at first, that this would be my first test sans candy. But no, it was not, because we definitely won, even with the presence of some people who are notorious for raising their hands when they do not know the answer. So it was pretty exciting. Oh, and Mrs. Campbell and I are going to wear the same outfit someday. It will be different from all those other days when we wear the same outfit, because it will actually be planned, yeah. In the immortal words of J.C., "We are such twins!! Seriously--- we're the best twins ever!"

Theology, we took a quiz. It was probably obscene. I can't remember. Afterward, I went up to my locker to get study materials and even more tinsel fell out on me. Pencil Case is pretty cool.

English test was fun. Oh my god. I love writing essays, I can't lie, especially with Scarlet Letter because it allows a lot of sarcasm. A lot.

French was HIGHLY entertainings. We did dialogues and highly random conversations.

Madame: Your dialogue was very good. However, I still don't understand that thing about a fire in the microwave...
Pencil Case: What are you talking about? I never said anything about a fire, just a microwave oven.
Madame: Ohhhhh. Well, the way you pronounced it... it sounded like "fire."

Chelsea: Brianna is an onion and I am pot.
Madame: A pot?
Chelsea: Yeah. A pot. Not like, [makes a smoking gesture] pot-pot.

Pencil Case: So, Madame, what do you want for Christmas?
Madame: Peace and quiet!
[Mike makes a fart noise and we all crack up.]

Pencil Case: Can you imagine Brianna as a boy?
Jill: Flamboyantly gay?!

In Comp Lit, we watched You've Got Mail for those of us who had nothing better to do or were choosing to procrastinate. Mrs. Night Vision, however, insists that it should be "We've Got Mail." Um. Yes.

The Drama Club Christmas party was very enjoyable. First, we had the car ride, which was a grand time with Pencil Case, Liz, Johanna, Maddy, MacKenzie, and myself. Pencil Case told us about Martha Moxley. MacKenzie and I have large amounts of anger toward the song-turned-into-a-book-turned-into-a-movie "Christmas Shoes." Pencil Case says it makes him sad because it makes him "think about Mary... with no shoes... meeting Jesus." Then we went to a gas station. We thought about talking in Gibberish the whole time but did not. I bought the sickest, cheapest gum ever.

The party itself was amazing. Let me just list moments--
-massaging Jacob's back by walking on it
-THE FOOD
-telling ridiculous and obscene stories
-playing Apples to Apples with Rachel, Maria, Liz, Bridget, Charlie, and Kelly G-Funk... most ridiculous answers EVER
-Jacob checking himself out being pregnant in the bathroom mirror with the door open. Stary and I are looking and laughing, and he looks up, makes a shocked face, and slams the door closed. Verrrry funny.

Yes. It was all very enjoyable. But now I have to study... or something.

Cysts.

2005-12-20T17:10:00.000-06:00

My life is pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever.

For example: Senate meetings. Oh my gosh--- way too much fun. I won't lie, it was a blast. We basically get together and whine about stupid things happening at NDA. It's amazing. And then Roberta comes and is all, "Stick it to the Man!" but really just "Stick it to Konop Foods!"... it is fun.

For example: history class. (Don't say you didn't know that was coming.)

First of all, Jacob did spirit fingers for about twenty minutes, then got annoyed when nobody noticed.

Jacob: Is this distracting to you?
Mrs. Campbell: No, not really. I don't get distracted by much... well, one of the first years I taught, there was this one kid who would take out a mirror, put it on his desk, and hunch over it and pop his zits. Swear to God. It was the most distracting thing ever. He did it at least three times a week.

Then we talked about warhawks.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, two of these are significant, and the last one is only there because his name makes me laugh. Because even though I'm thirty-seven years old, I'm very immature.
Caitlin: What's his name?
Mrs. Campbell: ...Felix... Grundy!! [Laughter from everyone.] Anyway. That is one of those names where I think, "Thank god I don't have that last name... especially as a teacher."

Somehow, the class turned very, very disgusting very quickly. I am trying to remember how we got to the topic of cysts, but I have a feeling it was totally random.

Mrs. Campbell: Once, I had a cyst and my doctor removed it and he showed it to me. And it was so shiny, it was like a shiny yellow bouncy ball of fat. So I asked my doctor, because I'm weird and I wanted to keep it,"Can I keep it?" and he said, "NO!!!"... Actually, I was just talking to someone the other day and they were talking about someone who had a cyst taken out of her wrist. And it had tentacles!! Tentacles!!
Anna: ...I have a cyst in my wrist.
Mrs. Campbell: Oh... well, tentacles aren't as bad as hair and teeth. At Thanksgiving, my sister, who is a mortician, said, "Ugh, cysts are the worst. Especially the ones with hair and teeth." And, since she says a lot of weird things, I just nodded and smiled. But then my sister-in-law, who is a nurse, said, "Yeah, those ARE the worst! They are SO gross!!" And I was like, "Wait--- what?" And then they explained to me that sometimes, a fertilized egg would die and turn into a cyst. And it would continue to grow hair and teeth. Isn't that SICK? Hairy, teeth-y cysts.

I definitely pictured a Chuzzle coming out of a womb.

So, English class is ridiculous. Yesterday, Caitlin had a boyfriend named Pocahontas (that wasn't what she said, that was just what I thought she said), and Stary talked about the kid who started all those racially-charged fights at Preble.

Today, it was hottie Puritan lumberjacks. You don't really want to know.

Caitlin, looking at the drawings Pencil Case made on the back of my neck: Oh my god, what happened to your neck?
Me: ...Pencil Case.
Stary: You're going to have to elaborate upon that.
Me: He drew all over my neck.
Allison: Oh, well, if you don't want people to see it, just pop your collar!
Me: Um. I am not popping my collar. I do have some morals.

Anyway. French is my favorite. Pencil Case and I wrote a ridiculous dialogue. Then we just had wildness. And Joe-Joe came to visit us!! I love that boy.

So, all in all, it was a generally obscene day.

Fifty Cents and His Homies

2005-12-15T17:44:00.000-06:00

Today was insane, I won't lie.

Today in Bio, our TriBond question was "Dart, stairwell, and airline." And someone seriously said "Unicorns!!"... what?!

Geo/Trig is just ridiculous. I can't even remember half of the bizarre things Mr. H says because they are too weird to even stick to my brain. However, this event, which both Pencil Case and Jackie told me about, occurred across the hall:

Pencil Case is making Jackie and Estufa play Jeopardy. There are crazy categories, including VMAs.

Pencil Case: Who hosted the 1999 VMAs?
Estufa: Fifty Cents and his homies.
Jackie: [hysterical laughter.]

History class involved me hitting Jessi in the face with my hair, Jacob being pregnant, and the BEST STORY EVER, so it wasn't really all that different than usual.

Me: I am terrified of marine life.
Mrs. Campbell: Me too--- I hate fish. I actually have a story about why I hate fish!!
Me: Really? Tell me!
Mrs. Campbell: Well, it was Senior Skip Day, which wasn't really that much of a skip day because it was approved by the school. So, anyway, we went to the beach and carp were spawning in the water. But I wanted to swim, so I decided that a good way to clear out the water would be to throw a big rock in there. So I took a little boulder, and I tossed it in, and I hit one in the head.
Me: Oh no. You killed ANOTHER fish?
Mrs. Campbell: Well, first he jumped out of the water and he came at me!! He was out to get me. He went like this: [flaps her hands and makes crazy insane seething noises with the most ridiculous face ever.] And then he dropped dead. The whole thing probably was less than five seconds, but it just felt like forever. It was honestly the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me.

Yes. Theology class involved an intense debate. I loooove fighting with Tan Pants, especially when I'm right.

English was insane. Stary wore a kilt and we all laughed.

Stary: My brother hit me in the head with a croquet mallet when I was ten.
[combination of laughter/bafflement/shock from the class]

French was pretty entertaining. Liz came and visited!!! And we get to do a very fun project which I am rather excited about. We had a large conversation about how we're all going to Hell.

Madame: It will be fun, I'll see you all there and we can continue your French studies.

We go to a Catholic school? What what?

After school was just a highly hilarious conversation with Kelly G-Funk, none of which can be repeated because it was insane. Pencil Case and I wrote each other referrals, which was pretty entertaining. So, even though we didn't get a snow day, it was a good day nonetheless.

"Like, wicked sick? Like, super sweet?"

2005-12-14T17:23:00.000-06:00

Today was a very fun day. We had an early dismissal in school and it snowed the whole day. Which led to a whole lot of "Bay Port's out."

Mr. H: It's true, though, Bay Port really does get out more than we do... I've read studies.

During fourth hour, it was announced that Pulaski kids would get to go home at 12:15 instead of 1:23 like the rest of us. Go Pulaski kids. There were also a whole slew of activity cancellations, including Coffee With the Principal at 7:00 tonight.

Mrs. Campbell: Who the hell drinks coffee at seven at night?

Good question. Other Mrs. Campbell events of the day involved imitation crab meat ("Mr. Brooker calls these crab roll-ups... 'cuz you can unroll them!") and a very sisterly fake-fight about otters.

The high point of the day was, however, English class. We were quite rowdy. Including Stary, who felt the need to walk on the tables and make flailing/screaming expressions at Allison... ohhhhkay.

Erik: The Boogeyman!
Stary: Shut. Up. Erik.

Me, about Pearl: Pearl is seven. She doesn't have a bosom.

Chelsea: We talk about sex a lot in this class.
Stary: Not as much as you do in theology.
Chelsea: Yeah, but in my class, we only talk about Catholic sex.
Me: Catholic sex? What the hell, Chels?!
Stary: Well, in this class we talk about Catholic sex and Puritan sex. Well... Puritan sex isn't really sex. It's like, they're sitting across the room from each other, and the husband looks up from his paper and yells, "Screw you!" and the wife yells, "Screw you, too!"
Chelsea: That is stupid. Puritans had to have had sex. It's not like they were like, "Oh, screw you!" and then a stork came with a baby.

I honestly can't remember a single thing that happened in French today. I think we took a quiz and then just did whatever the rest of the time. Comp Lit is also a big blur but when is it not.

Alex and I went Christmas shopping after school today. It was a very, very enjoyable time. Alex had a wide variety of blonde moments and insisted on paying exact change for everything. Which meant that she had to do things like borrow $0.44 from me. What?! And then there were a wide variety of randomness conversations that were HILARIOUS that honestly would not be understood by anyone else. And there were randomness phone calls from Pencil Case that were also a good time.

"Do you think Oprah should be President? I do!" -Jacob's note to me

2005-12-13T17:07:00.000-06:00

So. Today was a very sad day, because it was devoid of Pencil Caseness. But it was also a happy day because I am done with my elbow so now Jacob is getting my sling. I am quite certain it is going on a strange sort of shrine in his basement, one that involves Celine Dion, Mrs. Campbell, and me... but that is just my theory. I should probably stop making fun of him, considering that it was my idea to lock him outside in the cold... but that is a later story.

Today in Geo/Trig, Mr. H forgot how to say "function." So it came out "fucktion." Which was, um... interesting. Alyssa and I had quite the laugh.

History was the usual randomness. Mark walked in with his pants as low as ever. And he had a belt on them.

Mrs. Campbell: Mark, you look stupid. Pull up your pants.
Mark: Can I go to the bathroom?
Mrs. Campbell: Mark... you don't need to go to the bathroom to pull your pants up and tighten your belt.
Mark: Well, sometimes stuff gets in the way.
Mrs. Campbell, at a loss for appropriate words: Mark. Sit down!

Mrs. Campbell, reflecting on this event later: When he said "Sometimes stuff gets in the way", I was so tempted to say, "I think you give yourself too much credit." But I decided not to.

Theology is insane. We do the bizarrest worksheets ever, it is official. Do I really need to know how sixteen different people in my life would feel if I got pregnant? Noooo. And I think it is a little silly to put God's point of view on a worksheet. We can't possibly know that.

Lunch was a joyous time as usual. As I was chatting with Mrs. Campbell and the rest of the fun Atrium people about the strange Marky-pants incident, Jacob flitted by. After we made the same humorous remark at the same time, Jacob went outside to talk to someone's mom. And we didn't let him back in. So he pounded on the door, called us "evil witches" and gave us the double finger. Finally we let him back in, but only because we were clearly not of sound mind as we were completely overcome with laughter. (This was all my idea. Clearly, certain people bring out all the good evil ideas in me.)

English was quite funny. Chelsea and George are siblings now...? And Stary stole Chelsea's money. Then Erik managed to get Chelsea's notebook taken away but refused to believe that it was his fault when it clearly was. For someone so smart, he can really be stupid. The walk to French was highly amusing, too.

French was insane. Apparently I have to find Madame a good fake black Chanel or a good fake Burberry over the summer. She and I seriously spent ten minutes chatting about fake purses. This is why she is amazing at life. And we learned Le Futur, which I forgot that we didn't learn already. I don't know. And we talked about the evil stupid Fire Codes which are making us completely devoid of happy decor.

And... um... Comp Lit was not only awful but Pencil Case-less. Sigh.

While You Were Out

2005-12-12T17:42:00.000-06:00

Okay, this is just going to be a massive quote post of funny statements from when I was typing-challenged.

Stary: That looks like an inspirational quote that should be at the bottom of a poster with dolphins and stars and crap on it.

Chelsea, to Stary: Your room is depressing.
Jill: Yeah... the Scottish stuff has got to go.

Madame: Katia calls me baby. Like, "No, Baby, I don't want to wear that! I like puppies!"

Me: Vicky... I am going to ask you a ridiculous favor. Can you put my headphones on?

Our French class Google searches for "Andy Nakis", known as "Andy Milonakis" to everyone who is not Madame.

Madame, out of nowhere: Is Usher gay?

(Pencil Case is wrapping his arms around a pole.)
Madame: Are you practicing?

Mrs. Campbell: Yeah... school lunches are definitely fab.

Clare: There's a ghost in my notebook! I was just drawing and letters appeared!
Stary: Clare, that is the imprint of the words from the page before.
Clare: Ohhhhh.

Mrs. Campbell: Joseph McCarthy was expelled from Congress.
Jackie: What did he do afterward?
Mrs. Campbell: He died.
Mark: Awww, he died of a broken heart!
Mrs. Campbell: No, he died of a stupid brain.

Pencil Case: How do you say sassy?
Madame: There is no such word.
Pencil Case: Yeah right! I am going to go look it up.
Me: Did you say that just so he would look it up?
Madame: Yes.
Pencil Case: It's in here! It's an adjective!!
Madame, very sarcastically: No way.

Erik: Was our book written by a woman?
Mr. H: No, it was written by a man, who sadly has left our planet. I can't wait until I die so I can get to meet him... except he's probably in HELL.

Mrs. Campbell: Oh, man capris... Mr. Schultz's brother used to wear those in my class.
Allison: My dad has a pair of those! He wears them for golfing!
Mrs. Campbell: Allison, those are knickers.

Stary: The Ghost of Haircuts Past.

Stary: Gout is not an STD.

Life Lessons from Mrs. Campbell: "If you buy a bagel on a Wednesday, it's stale." (She can't tell you this before you buy a bagel on Wednesday, though, only afterward when you discover it is gross as anything.)

Mrs. Campbell: So how is theology, a.k.a. Sophomore Sex Talk?
Me: Disgusting. I just close my eyes, praying that I will fall asleep so I don't have to listen to it.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, but by the time you fell asleep, all those words would probably have soaked into your brain and you'd have some gross sex dream.
[Long pause.]
Me: You are warped.

[Alex and I are setting up Christmas lights for the stage for Mr. NDA]
Me: Did you know that lights have a female part and a male part?
Alex: Really? I bet I can guess which is which!
Me: Yeah... except that this one has both, so I guess it has a hermaphrodite part.

Madame: Oh my god! It looks like Bart Simpson!

Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, some Russians came over to my house. They always bring really elaborate gifts, and you know what they brought me? This very intricate dress. For a wine bottle. It even had sleeves. Wine bottles do not have arms!

"Chelsea, wrong floor!"

Anna: I saw a commercial once that said, "If you are a man with a uterus, this drug is not for you."

I'm back.

2005-12-06T17:29:00.000-06:00

For real this time! I now have the capability of typing with both my hands. Wow- an amazing feat, really. (That was sarcasm.)

Today was a pretty interesting day. Lots of crazy stories which I: a) don't know how to appropriately comment upon and b) don't really want to comment upon because that is what the people who do these sorts of things are looking for. But today was a pretty entertaining day.

Bio review game was totally out of control. I love that my team lost to, um, Joe's team. We felt highly stupid. And we were really an obnoxious class on the whole today, not just the same few people.

Geo/Trig was pretty boring, but I actually understand what we are doing, even if it takes about eighty steps just to solve a single problem.

History was its usual out of control self.

Jackie: What do Baptists do at parties, anyway?
Mrs. Campbell: Um... I don't know. Pray? Baptize people?

[Mark does something crazy.]
Mrs. Campbell: Mark, don't. That was... [thinks for a word]... disturbing.

[After Erik's rant about "bastille".]
Mrs. Campbell: I took Spanish for four years in high school, but the only thing I remember how to say is "young lady, get that gum out of your mouth!" because that was the only thing ever said to me in that class. And I never quite understood how to say "can I...?" or "can I go to...?" so my way of asking to go to the bathroom was "Donde esta el banyo, por favore?" They probably thought I was really stupid... I speak sign language too. And I speak mime.

Theology is the most uncomfortable thing in the world. I hate talking about sex. I don't want to talk about sex with, oh, anyone in that class. It is ridiculous.

Lunch, Pencil Case made me almost vomit by hacking up some gross dry-mucus-y thing. I gagged. Then he smelled it and tried to get me to do the same. I gagged again.

English class was fun. We talked about public punishment, stupid criminals, and even The Scarlet Letter for a bit. I think the new strategy is to start us off on something that seems off-topic and then relate it to what is the topic, because otherwise we get crazy pretty quickly.

Stary: It was like how you can find out if any sex offenders live in your area now... so you know not to let your children walk home with them. The people knew Hester was an adulteress, and so they knew she was a danger to their husbands.

(Or something like that. I know I worded that wrong, but you get the gist.)

French test was kind of okay. It was all grammar, so I didn't really mind it, but it was very long. I mean, I spent longer on that test than I spent on either one of my exams last year. That is kind of crazy. But I didn't think it was a bad test. Plus, finishing it today means I get free time tomorrow, which is fun.

Comp Lit is such a ridiculous class. She now doesn't let me go work on other things when I'm done, she makes me work ahead in the book. Whatever. I actually just look at crazy pictures from school functions that you can find in your files and watch Pencil Case's psychotic Power Point presentations.

After school today was quite entertaining. Alex is insane and we laugh at things nobody else understands. And Vicky and Krista are hilarious.

Alex: What does she look like? I want to go see this slut woman.
Me: Um... okay, Alex. You go look for sluts. Because that doesn't sound awkward at all.
[Another of those things nobody understands.]

Krista, making fun of random kids who were throwing around a ball made of masking tape: Yep, I like to spend my free time throwing a ball made of masking tape.

A Quick One

2005-11-23T08:26:00.000-06:00

So, just to write something on here:

1 . Elbow update- I went to get my stitches out yesterday and, because I am extra-super-good at bone-healing, I do not need another cast. This is good news (mostly beacause I can wear sweaters again.) However, I still have a sling and very minimal range of motion, so I'm still typing with one hand, so I still won't be blogging. But, by December 13th, I will be back. You have a date now. Put it on your calendars.

2. Bizarre things this blog gets hit for (I wanted to write something mildly humorous, so here it is:)

-"Russian trailer trash"
-"Kelly Ripa's kids names" (at least three times a week)
-"rock me like my back ain't got no bone" (that was a song we heard in Paris that Kathy would not stop singing)
-"animated tall giraffe with very short legs running"
-"(various celebrities mentioned on here) naked"
-"Roni Deutch"

Yes. Life is crazy. Have a good Thanksgiving, everybody.

I'll be back in a while.

2005-11-11T19:07:00.000-06:00

So, thanks to a lovely broken elbow, emergency surgery, and a soft cast, I am limited to one hand and probably won't be blogging for a while because typing is just the most ridiculous one-handed activity, ever.

So I'll be back as quickly as I can, I promise I won't quit blogging, remember to check every once in a while because I really swear I'm coming back as soon as my extreme typing skills are back. ♥

"My plant, my plant, my plant is on fire!"

2005-11-08T18:06:00.000-06:00

This morning, I had a dental appointment and so I didn't arrive to school until halfway through second hour. I reported to the main office with my much-necessary appointment verification in hand, and when I got to the main office, it was quite the party. Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Campbell, Mr. Brooker, and my favorite male senior Mike were there and they pretty much all started speaking to me at once.

Mrs. Smith: Where were you? Were you skipping study hall, or did you just get to school now?!
Me: I had a dentist appointment!
Mrs. Campbell: Ooooh! Do your teeth feel all clean?
Me: Yes.
Mrs. Brown: Oh, Kellie, your freshman ID is on my desk. I don't know why, but it is.
Me, laughing: Oh. Okay.
[Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Smith leave.]
Me: It smells like something is burning. Do you guys smell that? That burnt-things smell?
Mrs. Campbell: That is what I said! Hey, Mr. Brooker, maybe your plant is on fire in your office.
Mr. Brooker, singing as he walks away: My plant, my plant, my plant is on fire!
[Mike and I look at each other and just laugh.]
Mike: Wow... that pretty much completed my life.

Anyway. Bio was insane. Even though I was twenty minutes late and therefore technically absent, Mrs. Mayer made me take the test. Which I had not studied for because I knew I would be technically-absent from class and would just take Wednesday or Thursday during study hall. But no. She made me take it. I was so confused by this sudden burst of hardassness.

Geo/Trig was pretty exciting because both Mr. H and Kathleen are pretty much completely ADD.

Mr. H: I am a little ADD today.
Kathleen: Oh my god! So am I!
Mr. H: I didn't say "a lot ADD", Kathleen.
Kathleen: Ohhhh! Burn!
Mr. H: Burrrrrn burrrrn burrrrrrn!! [Long pause.] Burrrrrn!

History was actually almost sane for, like, five minutes. Well, not really. But we were sanely doing a very sane assignment. Basically, we are having a quiz on the Amendments next Monday, and we get a cheat sheet... but we can't have any words. So we basically have to draw the Amendments.

Erik: Why are you even giving us this assignment?
Mrs. Campbell: Well... I really like to just look at them and laugh.

So, we were all innocently just drawing our Amendments, and after Alyssa being unable to read and me thinking that hands had four fingers, Jacob decided he hadn't gotten attention for a while. So he freaked out. This was probably just as much a freakout as yesterday.

Actually, first he showed us the referral he got from Tan Pants. And you know what it says on it? "Making orgasm noises." Jacob gets the most weird referrals, believe you me. But back to his freak-out.

Jacob: You asked two girls yesterday if they thought I was crazy!
Mrs. Campbell: Jacob, you hit me. You hit me with a nail file.

Jacob: THAT'S IT! I'M DONE WITH THIS SCHOOL! I'M DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND GOING TO BEAUTY SCHOOL!
[Jacob walks out of the room and no one even notices. Mrs. Campbell picks up the phone.]
Mrs. Campbell: I just wanted you to know that Jacob just left my classroom. So he's, um, on the loose. [Hangs up.]

Theology was ridiculous. I think we start talking about sex tomorrow. Specifically, sex positions... oh dear god. I just have one question: if the Pope and all our church leaders are celibate, why does he get to decide all these sexual things?! I'm not implying anything, I'm just saying, what do they know? Seriously.

Lunch is demented. Most ridiculous, disgusting, disturbing conversation of my life, for sure. I am not even talking about it. Probably ever. But now that I think about it, it really was hilarious. Oh, as was getting "beaten up" and harassed by Jacob... oh god, can we say "emotional instability."

I love English. Today we had the WKCE writing test. Which had the stupidest topic ever. They could at least make the writing portion fun for, you know, a few people. And Stary makes me laugh. And he had some very funny comments about the censorship of the play, which I'm not writing because I'm never quite sure who all reads this.

Gavin: Do I really have to do this?
Stary: Well, you could just close your book and not write a thing, but I would think much less of you as a man.

In French we discussed new uniforms and the riots in Paris. Comp Lit was more of the usual, and after school was really fun. Alex and I stayed after and helped Mrs. Brown with Mr. NDA and Fall Fest stuff. I made a really pretty poster. It is on the Commons doors that lead to the auditorium, and it is actually really nice. You might not believe I made it, but I did.

"Well, I think you're the only person in the history of Notre Dame Academy to get a referral for gum regurgitation."

2005-11-07T18:33:00.000-06:00

Oh man. Today was prettttty entertaining. I love my bus, first of all.

Diana: I think I have heartburn.
Me: What did you eat for breakfast?
Diana: A banana.

[During our usual Monday morning Grey's Anatomy discussion:]
Alex: I love George. He has such a baby-face.
Me: And the sad-puppy eyes.
Diana: Those aren't just puppy eyes. Those are, like, butter eyes.
Alex and Me: Diana... ew.

Alex and I were studying in the Commons before school and I was cramming for history using my notebook that I stole back from Jacob. [Oh, Jacob.] I observed this event, which I thought quite amusing and worthy of blog-ness.

[Mr. Brooker walks through the Commons.]
Random girl, to her friend, who also just walked into the Commons: JOE!! I BROUGHT YOU A PIE, NOT EVEN KIDDING!!!
[Mr. Brooker looks around in utter confusion. Hahhhhhha. Alex and I crack up.]

During study hall, Jacob harassed me and told me that my voice gives him diahhrea. All because I took my notebook back to study from for a test we had in about two and a half hours that I couldn't study for all weekend because my notebook was missing. He was having one of his days that we politely refer to as "emotionally disturbed days."

Bio was just jeopardy, which my team won. Wow. We are really special. If we were Puritans, we would be all, omgz God definitely loves us more. But we're not. [Sorry. I haven't had a Puritan joke in a while and we all know how much I really do love laughing at predestination... I am a nerd.]

Geo/Trig was pretty interesting. Apparently, Shawn was hitting on Clare.

Mr. H: Shawn. Don't hit on her during class. God. You kids can go kiss later.

Allison was mocked today during history the same way she's often mocked during English.

Allison: Why did your husband bring breakfast to your first-hour class?
Mrs. Campbell: Because they raised a lot of money for the Katrina fund.
Allison: Why?
Mrs. Campbell: Because there was a hurricane. Why? Because of global warming.

Jacob's emotional disturbances, I am afraid to report, carried on into history. While the rest of us are innocently studying, Jacob decides to steal my notebook and that he isn't going to take the test. (I was later informed that he has never actually taken a history test this year on the date it was given. Wow.)

This would have been fine, just innocently studying at the front table but... it's Jacob. So, he looks at me, mouths, "I'm mad at you!" and does this thing where he clenches up his face muscles to the point where he turns purple and looks like he is going to pass out. I did not take this very seriously... okay, I laughed at him and asked if he was on crack... so he went and did the face for Mrs. Campbell, who also just laughed at him, asked, "Are you going to die or is that just wishful thinking?"

Jacob had no response to that, so he went back to his desk and pretended to be innocent for a few moments. Then he pulled out a gigantic twenty-pack of Winterfresh and stuck five pieces of it in his mouth and chewed it loudly with the glob of it half sticking out of his mouth. Mrs. Campbell tells him to throw it away, and he doesn't. He swallows it. At this point, I almost throw up. Then, Jacob regurgitates the gum right back up and keeps chewing it the second Mrs. Campbell looks away.

Of course, remember that Jacob is chewing five pieces of gum. It's very, very loud. And it's Jacob, so, if you can, imagine what you are hearing in your head three times as loudly.

Mrs. Campbell: Jacob, that's gross. Grossest thing EVER. I'm writing you a referral... for... I don't know. Regurgitating your gum.
Jacob: Really?!
Mrs. Campbell: Um. Yeahhhh.
Jacob: Oh my god!! Julie! Why do you hate me so much?! God, you're SO MEAN TO ME. I haven't even had a referral yet this year!! Come on! If you do that, I'll make your life a living hell.
Mrs. Campbell: Jacob, in case you forgot, I have four kids and I teach people like you full-time. You couldn't possibly make my life any more hellish.

Jacob takes it upon himself to steal the referral, which does indeed say, "Regurgitating gum during class", puts it somewhere in his pants (I don't want to think about that), and also takes it upon himself to steal Mrs. Campbell's pad of referrals. He writes one for her for being "rude, obnoxious, mean, obscene, uncouth, and promiscuous." What? Mrs. Campbell just laughs at him and pulls out another pad of referrals from her desk drawer and writes him another one.

While she begins to write, Jacob attacks. He dives straight for her desk drawer, pulls out a nail file, and starts hitting her with it. Not even joking.

Mrs. Campbell, pulling a baseball out of her desk drawer: Jacob! If you hit me one more time, I will throw this! I will throw it right at your head, I swear!

Jacob hits her again and the baseball slips out of her hands, hits her keyboard, hits the ledge, and falls into the garbage can with a large thud.

That was pretty much the end of it because the bell rang. I say pretty much because it isn't totally the end of it, but, you know, that is how we roll. I'm just going to leave you all hanging. That was the excitement of the day, Jacob's emotional disturbances, melodramaticness, and borderline insanity.

The rest of the day was pretty much the usual. English was pretty non-exciting for once. Stary got pretty annoyed with us at the beginning of class and then administered the beloved Language Arts WKCE. While he was explaining the test, he "accidentally" gave me the finger several times. Because calling me pregnant crack ho every day for a week isn't enough? I don't even know anymore.

During French, we definitely started to aggravate Madame. So she made a new rule that we could listen to music on our headphones during worktime. Oh my god, that is truly amazing. It completed me. I got to do my French and listen to my Elton. And Pencil Case stuck tissues in his ears? I don't know. I just don't know.

Comp Lit was the usual. We have a new seating arrangement and I really hate my seat and my computer, but oh well.

After school was definitely a confidental blast. And Jacob really did stretch out the seam of my coat (why did he think he wasn't going to?), and Ieva thinks American Sign Language is the craziest thing ever. Which it pretty much is. Anyway. This is a good week thus far.

Pencil Case Demeans Me. True Story.

2005-11-04T16:05:00.000-06:00

Oh gosh, twenty-six minute classes are my favorite. Seriously. Today was great fun.

During Bio, I employed the "okay" tally that Angelina told me about. And, in twenty-six minutes, that word was uttered thirty-two times. What?! Then there was the craziness of the test tube experiment.

Basically, we had test tubes that had Some Random Chemical Name Red in them. And we had to blow into them with a straw to get carbon dioxide into there. Except that someone sucked it up through the straw... oh dear god. It was really funny.

Theology is so obscene. Literally, obscene. Sophomore Theology = Sophomore Sex Talk. Really.

Lunch was pretty amazing. I love people. And people trying to work walkie-talkies. And people making fun of people trying to work walkie-talkies. And that at least five people were shocked and awed to see me in a skirt... ohhhkay.

Pencil Case: So, Fr. Dane, can you do an Irish jig?
Fr. Dane: No, but Kellie can! Will you do one for us, Kellie?
Me: Fiiiine.
[Does a little bit of a jig from Irish dance lessons as Adult Hermione, who is the choreographer for our musical and Swing Choir, walks by.]
Adult Hermione, shouting from down the hall: GOOD JOB KELLIE!
[I am mortified.]

Geo/Trig... I'm not sure. I was in Student Services working on something the whole time. I love Student Services, though. For sure.

History was more ridiculous review time. It wasn't quite as ridiculous as yetserday, which involved:

-Tony finally talking by yelling "you're a racist" and being told immediately to shut up

-drinks of water and Anna tripping

-overexcited people

-Alyssa spoiling all the fun. "Why don't you just tell my kids that Santa isn't real, Alyssa?"

-Jacob thinking there were eleven states when the Constitution was written. Then he thought there were thirty-four.

Anyway. Today just pretty much involved: Alyssa and I laughing at nothing and Mrs. Campbell having no counting skills. "4, 8, 6... nice job!"

English is amazing.

Me, upon noticing that I got the left-handed desk: Ugggggh. Slut desk.
Stary: Kellie, I am in this room all day, and not once have I seen that desk involved in sexual relations.

The rest of class involved deep thoughts from most everyone, and humorous thoughts from Chelsea.

Chelsea: They never show you what goes wrong with plastic surgery on all those shows.
Stary: Yeah. You can't just paste a nose back on.
Chelsea: You can't glue manhood back on either.

French was exciting. We all talk at once all the time and Madame, who had a break from that, isn't really used to it at all. She and I have the same size hands, too. Which is amazing, because no one has hands that small.

Madame, seven thousand times: Use your inner voices!
[Does she mean inside voices? I don't know. I do not know.]

Comp Lit, we had the CRAZIEST sub. I am not even joking, my lovely readers. This is a true story. None of it is made up.

[I am reading a music magazine since I have nothing better to do in that class.]
Pencil Case: Kellie! [snaps his fingers]
Craziest Sub Ever: Did you just come when he called you?
Me: Well... yes.
Craziest Sub Ever: Wow. That's really demeaning to a woman.
Pencil Case and I, at the same time: What?!!? We're best friends!
Craziest Sub Ever: But still. [Walks away. Pencil Case and I crack up as quietly as possible, which is not quietly at all.]

Play starts tonight!! 7:30!! Come!

Rotary Chicken

2005-11-02T20:26:00.000-06:00

I am so sorry I haven't updated lately. I haven't really felt up to it, and I still kind of don't, but I'm going to suck it up and write in here anyway, of course, only about the good/funny things that happened. I am really sick and tired of dwelling on all the bad things that have been going on lately. All it makes me is stressed out and mopey and angry and a pain to be around, and that isn't fair to the people who have to see me every day. Plus, I am getting it taken care of.

Actually, it really is kind of hilarious that I am failing Comp Lit. Who does that? I mean, not that I did it of my own accord, but, as I said: I'm getting it taken care of. And, you know what else is kind of funny? I still have an Honor-Roll-GPA, even with the F. Me = Officially A Big Nerd.

Anyway. I am going to start with yesterday. Oh yesterday. Where do I begin? I will start with after school. That is the only thing I can really remember. Most of the day is a blur. Most of after school is inside jokes with Alyssa, such as "Who's your daddy?" and "Heil!" Don't even go there. Trust me. You don't want to.

Anyone who put up with me then, you guys get snaps forever.

Tiffany: You should write about me on your blog. You should write that in theology class today, I said that the people who sin the most are the most popular.

Today was better, sort of. My morning was kind of dreadful because caffeine was in desperate need and the Commons no longer brews coffee in the morntime. I mean, yes, it tasted like tar drained through an ashtray, but it was cheap. And, although I have no standards when it comes to the good/badness of coffee, I do have cappuccino standards, and Commons cappuccinos are definitely not up to par. So braving the first few hours of this morning sans caffeine? Not a good time. But history class quite cheered me up (are you surprised?).

Mrs. Campbell, talking about chewing tobacco for no apparent reason: Yeah, when I was in high school, chewing tobacco wasn't really a bad thing to do at all. Everyone did it. Or at least all the guys did. Especially the hockey guys. They would chew during class.
Mark: What if they got caught?
Mrs. Campbell: They would swallow it, I guess. [Whole class either is shocked or nauseated.] I don't really know. Maybe they wouldn't. That's actually really disgusting.

Mrs. Campbell, reading out loud to us: "The state of Vir-john-ia." [Whole class cracks up.] Oh my god. What was that? I would really love to tell you what words I was mashing up but I have no idea. I mean, no one named John is anywhere in this paragraph. That was just stupid.

English class is ridiculous. I think all we ever do is harass each other.

Stary: You never really know how dysfunctional your family is until someone else points it out. And even then, it doesn't really seem all that weird to you.

Chelsea: I have the good and the bad and it all just combines to form one big Chelsea!
Stary: That was an unfortunate choice of word.
[Chelsea pouts and pretends to be depressed.]
Chelsea: I hate you!!
Me: Oh, don't worry, Chels. I will just go up to Dr. Schmitt and say, "Dr. Schmitt... Mr. Stary hit me."
Stary: Ohhhh, yeah. And then you can have Pease as a replacement!

Molly: Appealing? So it's like court? Oh my god... can I come watch? That is going to be hilarious.

Stary, talking about Instant Messages: That was definitely an L-O-L. Actually... it was more of a C-O-L. Chuckle out loud.

French is so exciting. We got to do anonymous performance evaluations of Madmichelle.

Madame: These are all anonymous, so I won't know who wrote them. [Reads one.] Oh. This one is Kellie's.
Me: How did you know that?! What happened to anonymity?!
Madame: The language. I mean, "mnemonic devices?" Come on, Kellie. It had to be you.

Then we talked about old-fashioned phones.

Brianna: Oh, what were they called... those spinny phones.
Me: Wait-- I know what it's called. A rotary phone, right?
Madame: Yes.
Chelsea: Ohhhh! Like a rotary chicken!
[A few people laughs, and Madame about dies to the point where she is the same color as her pink sweater and crying with laughter.]
Me: Rotisserie, Chelsea?
Chelsea: Oh... yeah.

Let's see. The rest is not really worth talking about. So. Tomorrow will be better! Good news.

Happy Halloween, Everybody!

2005-10-31T17:36:00.000-06:00

Okay. Today was not really a good day in any way, shape, or form. I don't want to say anything because I know that people read this and I don't want to say anything that will get me in more fake trouble or anything I will regret. So I am just going to talk about the humorous parts of today.

Like my study hall cracking up at the thought of me even getting a referral. Thanks, guys. I'm glad you think I'm such a badass.

Mrs. Smith, reading my referral and laughing really hard: That is hilarious! That is so funny. [Stops laughing, looks at it, and starts laughing again.]

We got cake day during Bio today. Sometimes being in an easy class has its perks... i.e., Funfetti cake. I miss the good old days of everyone bringing Funfetti cake for their birthday treat.

Geo/Trig is nice. That class is very calm when Erik is gone.

Dan: So, do you hand out candy?
Mr. H: No. I don't get many trick-or-treaters.
Dan: Not even a little bowl of candy!?
Mr. H: Well, yeah... I put a little bowl of apples out. Apples... with pins in them.
Dan: Haaaaah. That's sick.

History was pretty calm, too. Jacob was not there, which is helpful.

Mrs. Campbell: I saw Jesus graffiti when I was running this morning. I was baffled. I was like, "Jesus graffiti? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Wow, that is pretty stupid." It was almost as stupid as how Britney Spears has that religious tattoo that she's all excited about, but tattoos are one of the big no-nos in her religion. Don't you guys think that's funny?
Mark: I never heard that. How do you know that?
Mrs. Campbell: I read things.
Mark: Where did you read that?
Mrs. Campbell: Okay... So I didn't read it. I saw it on Best Week Ever. Shut up.

Best Week Ever as a news source? Yeah. We are definitely twins.

Theology was pretty crazy. We talked about that advertising video. I love that the same people talk all the time in that class.

Lunch is insane. Jacob told us of his escapades in New York, and we chatted about why I am having a bad day.

Me: But I don't want to talk to her. Then I will just get another referral for being disrespectful or making obscene hand gestures or whatever.
Mrs. Campbell: You make obscene hand gestures? Haha... so do I.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, all you have to do is make the sad girl face and say, [demonstrates in a highly dramatic fashion] "I can't believe you even think that of me. I can't believe it."

Jacob, talking about seeing an actress: She walked past me and I touched her! I touched her!
Mrs. Campbell: Was she running away from you?!
Jacob: No... well, kind of. Oh, shut up! It was part of the show!

Jacob: Yeah. I saw Movin' Out that night.
Mrs. Campbell: Awww! I love Billy Joel! [singing:] Movin' out!
Jacob: Um...
Mrs. Campbell, still singing: A bottle of red, a bottle of white!
Jacob: Yeah...
Mrs. Campbell, still singing: Uptown girl, she was livin' in an uptown world!
Jacob: Yeah. Only like ten times better.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, if I were that good, I wouldn't be sitting here.

Jacob: It was musically orgasmic!! I was like, [makes scary noises.]
Mrs. Campbell: Musically orgasmic... so it was an eargasm?

Um. Yes. Craziest people ever at lunch. I love it. Oh, and Pencil Case writes me crazy notes with crazy pictures addressed to crazy names. It is amazing, really.

Almost as much as I love English. That class is like a dysfunctional family to me.

Chelsea: That's the most mentally challenged thing I have ever seen.

Chelsea, Erik, and Me, constantly: I'm not a bad lady!

Stary: I only mock you because I like you.

Um. French was amazing. It was all orderly and stuff now that Mademichelle is gone. I loooooove it.

Madame: Allo? Allooooo?
[Pencil Case giggles for about ten minutes.]

Is Comp Lit even remotely worth talking about? No. And it never was, was it.

Usher's meeting was pretty fun, so was volleyball. The Estufas are 1-3, but that is okay because we have a lot of fun.

Rachel: This is my stern serious face!
[We all laugh at her.]

"Well... I think we all know what the title of the blog entry is going to be today."

2005-10-27T16:51:00.000-05:00

Today was quite fun. We have an Intramural Volleyball game tonight, which I'm sure will be profoundly exciting... and Pencil Case's birthday is tomorrow. So be sure to sing him "Happy Birthday" or "Feliz Cumpleanos" or "Bon Anniversaire", with or without the "Scooby Doo" part.

We got tests back in Bio today. That class is ridiculous. Dan got 100 and Joe saw and, of course, had to blurt it out to everyone.

Joe: WHOA! Way to go, Danny! [kidding:] You probably cheated off my paper, didn't you?
Mrs. Mayer: Somehow, I doubt that.

Geo/Trig station review is amazing. Alyssa and Erik are the best partners ever. We are officially amazing and doing the least possible amount of work to win.

History is my favorite.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, to get off the subject, which I always do and I know that I always do because you guys tell me that I do... I was getting my hair cut a while ago, and, sometimes the guy who cuts my hair is too honest with me. I asked him, "Do you think if I go too blonde it will make me look old?" and I kind of wrinkled my forehead, like this [demonstrates.] And he said, "No, but if you keep making that face, you will."

Mrs. Campbell: They thought that the American people were stupid. And you know what? They were right.

Anna: What was the average death age in that time?
Everyone: Death age? What are you talking about?
Anna: Life expectacy... ecstacy... expense... no. Expectancy.

We watched a very creepy video in theology. Apparently there are companies devoted to collecting information for every consumer in America. Whhhhhat. That is freaky.

Lunch is crazy.

Chelsea: Mr. Brooker, can I call you Jamal?
Brooker: Well... as long as other people aren't around, sure.
Chelsea: That is cool. I'm Shaniqua.
Me: And I'm Shanaynay.

Mrs. Campbell: Yeah... my sister got married over the summer, and she refused to take her husband's last name for a while. She was all, "It dates back to when men owned their wives, like they were property." And I said, "Ohhh my god. It doesn't mean that any more. Just take his name." So a few days later, she called me and said, "I'm taking his name." And I said, "Oh, that's great!" And she said, "But I just wanted you to know... I'm also changing my first name to Shaniqua."

Mrs. Campbell, to Chelsea who is hobbling around on crazy-big crutches that aren't even hers: Chelsea, did you eat paste as a child?
Chelsea: No... but I ate that yellow stuff that people use to stick up posters.
Me: Poster tacky? Well, I ate snow a lot. But then my mom told me that if I ate too much I would have to get my stomach pumped, so I stopped. [Side note, for my mother: I am really sorry if this never happened. I remember it vividly but it could be one of those vivid memories I have of things that never happened.]
Mrs. Campbell: I always ate sidewalk salt in the winter. I would just pick it up and eat it. It was pretty good.

Anyway. I don't even know where to start with English class.
1. Everyone in that class has ADD.
2. I got called "pregnant crack ho" yet again.
3. Kids like to hide porn pictures in the back cabinets.

Stary: Oh my god. Why do you all have ADD today? Is it in the air? Is ADD a communicable disease now!?

Stary, about 'The Bells': It's like, BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS.

[Chelsey is laughing, shocked.]
Stary: Are you okay?
Chelsey: Yeah... there's just... something back here.
Stary: Something?
Chelsea: Something... dirty.
[Stary goes and looks at the piece of paper that is sticking just a little bit out of the cabinet. Some crafty little miscreant stuck a porn picture back there. He seizes it and folds it so we can't see it and puts it under the Kilroy paperweight. About five minutes of giggling and babbling takes place and Stary tries to get us to do the impossible, focus.]
Caitlin, after the laughter has subsided: Wait-- what was the picture of?
Stary: It was porn.
Caitlin: [squeals and buries her head in her hands.]

French is just grand... well, it will be on Monday!

Me: So, Madame, did you ever eat anything funny when you were a kid?
Madame: What?
Me: Did you ever eat anything funny? Like grass or something?
Madame: Did you just ask me if I did grass when I was a kid?!
Me: NOOO! If you ate anything funny. Like grass.
Madame: Ohhh. No. Well, I know all you American kids eat paste. But I am Russian. The only funny thing I ever really ate were icicles, I guess.

Yep. Americans eat paste and Russians eat icicles.

Comp Lit was pretty exciting. Mr. Lagerman was our sub. I actually kind of miss his class. Actually, I just miss having a slack-off theology class. But, still, Pencil Case and I took this opportunity to sit next to each other and partake in harassing-the-annoying-freshman and random giggling.

I love my bus forever. I might actually kind of miss it a little when I get to drive to school... oh, wait. That's NEVER. Sorry. I forgot.

Diana: When I was four, I used to play sex with my three-year-old neighbor.
[Long silence and then everyone starts admonishing her at the same time.]

Anyway! Intramural volleyball: The Estufas are one and one! Oh... and Erik gets hit in the head and flails every single game. And we, having no pity, just sit and laugh.

"Then she developed this bizarre affection for... plastic."

2005-10-25T16:22:00.000-05:00

I love life. Today was seriously psychotic. It all began before school in the Commons with two of my absolute favorites ever, Alex and Pencil Case. They had to read Fall of the House of Usher for their own crazy English class, and they were not happy, let me tell you.

Alex: So, the guy had an, um, mental disorder?
Pencil Case, in a ridiculous voice: We call that retarded nowadays.

Pencil Case, reciting the opening lines of the Madeline books: And the youngest of these girls was named... [makes a ridiculous face and belts this:] Maaaaaaaadeliiiiiiiine!

Joe: Hi, Pencil Case.
Pencil Case: Yo.
Joe: Um... no. We do not do that. We do not say "yo," we do not say "sup," we do not say "fo' tizzle my nizzle."

Yes. Fo' tizzle... don't even ask me.

Study hall was the usual. The people in that study hall are absolutely crazy. As are the people in my biology class. All that class consists of is back-sassing, and it definitely does not consist of listening. For all of us. And Geo/Trig today was mainly Mr. H making crazy and obscene noises and also pretending to be emo. Really, everything in the morning would seem so much funnier, but I don't think it is any secret to any of you what I shall talk about next.

History. Okay. That class is amazing. We get a lesson, which is usually pretty fun, and then just spend the rest of class talking and telling ridiculous and obscene stories, which is even more fun.

Mrs. Campbell: I have perfect vision during the day, except for reading. If I read without my glasses, I get nauseous and throw up. But I have awful night-vision. You know, you never really know how well you see because you don't know how well other people see... yes, you guys, these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. [We laugh.] But, seriously, don't ever drive in a car with me at night. One night, I was driving, and I said to my husband, "You know, I don't really think I see very well." Which is not a good thing to say to someone when you are driving.

Erik: How are your frogs?
Mrs. Campbell, after a long pause: They all died. Not all at once, but one right after the other.
Jacob: Are your kids sad about it?
Mrs. Campbell: No, not really. They know that we will buy them new ones, so they just fight over who gets to flush it... I'm not really sure what that's about, but they seriously argue. "You don't get to flush it! I do! You did it last time!"
Jacob: That is pretty strange.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, I think Olivia cried once. But then I said, "Well, you can flush it." And she got all happy and said, "OKAY!!"

Jacob: I think that there are opinions that we all agree upon. Like, okay... let's agree that all those pictures on the far board are good but obviously made by children.
Mrs. Campbell: Um, call me a mean mom, but some of those aren't very good at all. I mean, look at that one [points to one.] What is up with that neck?!
Anna: What is the one on the far left?
Mrs. Campbell: Oh... that is our fish tank. It is actually pretty good if you have ever seen our fish tank. I mean, it has the little filter and there is the tiger toy at the bottom, because we always let the kids pick a McDonalds' toy to put there.
Me, laughing: Okay, why exactly do you do that?
Mrs. Campbell: Because we are way too cheap to buy them real fish tank toys.

Then we started talking about children raised in isolation and how they are even more messed up than, well, even more messed up than the people in that class.

Mrs. Campbell: There was this one girl, and she was locked in a room all the time and her dad wouldn't talk to her, he would just bark at her. And all she ever got to play with was, like, Tupperware and shower curtains. So then she developed this bizarre affection for... plastic. Once, they took her out in public and she saw a man in a raincoat and she went up to him and attached herself to him. That was all thanks to that whole shower-curtain-thingamawhatzit.

We also got two in-class worksheets.

Caitlin: You like worksheets.
Mrs. Campbell: No, I just hate trees.

That class is so ridiculous. Oh, and according to Mrs. Campbell, she and I are "twins... or sisters... brothas from anotha motha... only we are sisters from anotha motha." Okay then.

Theology was actually not so bad today because we didn't really do much. Lunch is always fun. Alex wasn't there, though. She had an appointment. And she got her back brace back on... but it is only a temporary thing before they figure out what is actually going on. Hopefully. So that cut down on our fun a little bit.

English is ridiculous.

Stary: Yes, Kellie, thank you for only writing the things on your blog that will get me in trouble.

We then discussed torture methods in great detail, which is always exciting. Haha and Caitlin drew me a cartoon of me tormenting people with Barney tapes... she is one of my all-time favorites ever. We love our demented bus conversations, especially in the mornings when we are half-awake and even more crazy than when we're fully awake.

French is sooooo obscene. That class very much aggravated me today. But... three more Mademichelle lessons. Only three. I cannot wait until we get a certain crazy individual named Madame back to teach us. And here is why.

Pencil Case: Do you think in English?
Madame: No.
Pencil Case: What language do you think in, then?
Madame: Swahili.

Madame: Then I will hang it up and cover up the senior pictures. The beautiful people... The young and the restless.

Yes. Next week, that class is going to be 800000x more fun. I miss the good old days when Mademichelle just sat in the back of the room, cowering in fear at the thought of actually having to teach our merry band of infidels.

The bell once again completely undermined Pease's authority today during Comp Lit. Which is probably the only interesting thing that will ever happen in that class ever.

English class means talking about breasts.

2005-10-24T16:29:00.000-05:00

Today was not that bad for a Monday. I love my study hall. Jacob has to be the nicest person ever. I love talking to him.

Jacob: Kellie, your costume was amazing!! Seriously. You look so much like her. I've never noticed it before, but you do.
Me, rolling my eyes: I have heard that, like, seven times already today.
Jacob: But it's true! And it's a compliment!

Awww. Thank you, Jacob.

Anyway. During Bio I got my note saying that I made "house crew" for fall play. Which is just a super-fancy way of saying "usher." I don't really care what I'm doing, so long as I get to go to the cast parties.

History class is amazing. It is really just story time with my twin Mrs. Campbell.

Mrs. Campbell: Our neighbors moved across the street and so their property taxes went up $4,000.
Anna: Why would you move across the street? That is pointless.
Mrs. Campbell: Well. She wanted a mudroom... I don't really know what the whole thing was about. Maybe her kids are really messy or something. [Anna and I crack up.] But now they are not in the ghetto part of our neighborhood, where I live. They are in the nice part.

Mrs. Campbell, after a long story about taxes: Why am I even telling you guys about this? Seriously. I don't even do my own taxes. I don't know anything about taxes. I have to take care of a million more things, I don't want to fill out forms. I'm just the dumb wife. I let my husband do those things.

Mrs. Campbell: NATO was a group of people who hated Communism. [A bunch of us crack up.] Well, it was!

Mrs. Campbell: We pay education taxes because, well, basically, if only the people who had kids in school paid school taxes, everyone would be paying tuition. And we can't do that... We'd have a lot of really dumb people running around if we did.

Theology is just ridiculous and so is lunch. However, during theology, I did get to look at super-cute pictures from the dance that I will be stealing as soon as possible.

English is psychotic. Today, Stary came in clutching fresh-off-the-copier sheets to himself because that is his new hobby. Then he called me a "pregnant crack ho" (in jest, in jest... it's a long story and involves Chelsea making up songs, which is never pleasant to think about.) And then he said the word "breasts" way too many times for comfort.

Chelsea: Stop talking about boobs, Mr. Stary.

Chelsea's dirty mood continued on into French class, where we learned the imperatif.

Mademichelle: Imperatif is commands. Can anyone think of a command?
Pencil Case, blurting: Feed the dog!
Me: Raise your hand!
Mike: Haaaa. That was a good one.
Chelsea: Oh! I have one! "Spank me!"
Mademichelle: ...No.

Pencil Case: Well, what if someone was like, "'Close the door,' said Martin, 'The lions are coming!'"

Anyway. Chelsea also got yelled at for making faces at me... wtf. Four more Mademichelle lessons, though!

Comp Lit was the usual madness. That class is almost half over... woohoo. That is exciting news. Anyway, a few minutes before the bell rang, we were all just standing around and talking.

Mrs. Pease: KIDS! Sit down until the bell rings!
[Bell rings, totally undermining Mrs. Pease's authority, and Pencil Case and I crack up.]

After Comp Lit, Pencil Case had to pick up a posterboard from Mrs. Brown and so he made me come with so we could look at pictures of ourselves. Okeydokey. I love the horrible comments Mrs. Brown makes sometimes.

Anyway. Today was very, very not bad for a Monday.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

2005-10-24T08:17:00.000-05:00

This weekend was absolutely, positively amazing. First, on Friday night, Pencil Case, Chelsea, Alex, Elly, Tiffany, Phil, Mike, Sam, Greg, and I went to the Morgue. It was so fun. First, there was the car ride with the East-siders, Alex, Elly, Tiffany, and me.

Alex, looking at a coat lying on the ground: OH MY GOD! Is that a dead person!

Alex: I was worried that it would get cold. So I put three pairs of socks on... and now I can't feel my toes.

Alex, sarcastically: Yeah, Kellie and her mom don't get along at all.
Mom: Definitely. We never get along. Ever.
Tiffany: Yeah. She always comes to school and she's like, "Oh my god! My mom is such a meanie! She doesn't let me eat cookies!"

Tiffany: I would definitely join the circus if an opportunity arose.

Tiffany: I frickin' hate kids. First of all, they're ugly. Second of all, all they do is whine and cry and scream and drool all over themselves and make a mess out of everything.

Anyway. After that lovely car ride, we all met up under the giant light and went in line. Where we met a crazy drunk girl named Cassie. I don't even know what ot say about her. She was crazy. And drunk. And I feel that is enough elaboration. She took our picture and then we all went through the woods.

After the woods, there is a giant field with a bonfire, concessions stand, and a giant movie screen, where you wait until your number is called to go through the house. We waited for about an hour and a half and that was pretty interesting.

Drunk Cassie, to a random person at the concessions stand: I remember you from camp! Vegetable camp!!

Along with Drunk Cassie, we also met someone dressed up as a zombie and an escaped-convict gorilla... don't even ask. The whole time, Pencil Case and Alex were freaking out. Then our number, 191, was called and we got to go into the house. Which was pretty exciting. The best part is the giant slide at the end. It really isn't very scary, though. By the time we got out, it was about midnight and we went home.

Saturday, I slept very late. Then, Mom and I went on our crazy balloon romp, which I don't think I even want to explain. It is ridiculous and obscene. And I hate it when balloons pop at random.

Then it was time to go to Chelsea's to get ready for the dance. Chelsea was Millie from Thoroughly Modern Millie, Abigail was a bunch of grapes, Pencil Case was Mr. Brooker, and I was Mrs. Campbell. We all looked pretty amazing. And, as usual, crazy conversations took place.

Mary: Chels!! Where are the pipe cleaners?!
Chelsea, talking to Abigail as she pins balloons on: Well, now we gotta pin some on your abdomen.

We also could only pin balloons to Abigail's front so that she could ride in the car to the dance, so when we arrived at the dance, very early, we had to finish pinning things to her back. Abigail is the best damn bunch of grapes I have ever in my life seen, let me tell you.

Anyway. The dance. It was probably the greatest dance of my entire life. First of all, Mr. Brooker and Mrs. Campbell were there. And they thought our costumes were hilarious. (Although I think Mrs. Brown was probably the most entertained.) This resulted in a great many random comments from the two of them.

Brooker, to Pencil Case: Do you want to hold the brethalyzer?
Pencil Case: Sure!! Actually, can I take a breathalyzer test?
Brooker: Sure. [Pencil Case takes the test and, of course, is not drunk.] Look at that... Mr. Brooker is sober.

Brooker: Nice tie.
[I would just like to mention that he is wearing an identical tie today.]

Mrs. Campbell: Oh my god! You are me! I mean, Mrs. Brown told me... but, wow! That is amazing. [Later, after we notice that we both only have one dimple:] Awww. You even have the dimple!

Anyway. Pencil Case and I definitely won the costume contest. Woohoo! What did we win, you may be wondering? Well, ten dollars each. And bragging rights. Which is more than enough for us, really.

And Abigail won the pizza/subs for our lunch table!! Woohoo!

After Zoo Boo, Madame, Frau, and a bunch of German kids arrived. So we talked to Madame for a bit.

Pencil Case: Was Zoo Boo fun?
Madame: Well. Let's see. We handed out candy to children. In the rain. In costume. For four hours. At the zoo.
Me: I like that "at the zoo" is the worst part.

She also brought us the facial expression of the night while watching the video for My Chemical Romance's "Helena." Best face ever.

The three best comments of the night would have to be these, though:

Vicky, who is dressed up like Jan from Grease, all night long: Brush-a-brush-a-brush-a!

Alex, as her green Elphaba makeup begins to come off: I'm meeeeeeeelting! I'm meeeeeelting!

Mrs. Brown, walking into the Commons and giggling hysterically: Keishia's undressing!!!!

Yes. Life is amazing. Have a good Monday, everybody. ♥

Alyssa and I are the best poets. Ever.

2005-10-21T14:32:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh. Today was highly entertaining and hysterical.

During Bio, we talked about Mrs. Mayer's car, the infamous lime-green Saturn Vue. (I always wondered who drove that thing. Because, pretty sure every time my mother drops me off to school, she has something ridiculous to say about the color of it.)

Joe: Yeah, I saw you on the way home yesterday. My sister had to go somewhere to get something.
Me: Could you be a little more vague?
Joe: Well, I knew it was you because you are the only person I know who has a car like that.
T.J.: What car is that?
Mrs. Mayer: It's a lime-green Saturn Vue.
T.J.: I know that car... it looks like a booger.

Geo/Trig, we had a crazy substitute and a practice test and I wrote a very long note to Caitlin, which I gave to her in history class. Which was crazy, as usual. We got our tests back and I am officially, according to Mark, a curve-breaker. Oops. My bad. Anyway, that class consists mostly of harassing each other and people shouting randomness from the hallways.

[Mark and Alyssa raise their hands for questions.]
Mrs. Campbell: Oh, would you look at that! Nobody has any questions!

Mark: These were hard questions.
Mrs. Campbell: What can I say, I got 100 percent in Tricky Question Writing Class in college. I was the valedictorian of that class, actually. I was amazing.

Alyssa: Well, if Thomas Jefferson wasn't at the Treaty of Paris, where was he?
Anna and Erik, in genuine seriousness: He died.
Me: Yes, and then he was ressurrected to become president a few years later.

During lunch, we got new Tritonians, which provided quite a bit of entertainment, and Vicky was an evil, horrible backpack spiller. That girl makes me laugh. And Abigail is my favorite. She is going to be the best damn set of grapes in the history of the world on Saturday.

English is my all-time favorite. Today, instead of being productive, we just wrote poems using the letters of each others' names. They were great.

Stary: Does anyone else have a name... beyotch?
Person Who Shall Remain Anonymous: Joe Brooker!!!

Greg, trying to think of something for "Phong": Asian!
Whole Class: Greg, there isn't an "a" in Phong.

Stary: How about the J in Jillian?
Me: Joyous, downright!
[Stary writes 'joyus' on the board.]

Anyway. They were so entertaining. And Alyssa and I are the most amazing poets ever.

French was okay. We had a past participle quiz and then we watched Disney Sing-A-Longs. But mostly Chelsea was singing. And dancing. And putting gloves on her ears. Pencil Case is still in isolation and now gives Mademichelle the silent treatment. But, next Friday, Mademichelle is gone. Can we say, "merci dieu."

And now we are in Comp Lit, which is its usual crazy self. Pencil Case says hi.

"Hi! I'm Hodgy!"

2005-10-20T14:53:00.000-05:00

Hmm. Today was pretty exciting if I do say so myself, particularly for a day with an assembly. Study hall and bio were pretty much the usual, and the assembly was kind of a joke.

Renee: What is the assembly about?
Me: Solar panels.
Renee, in the most sarcastic voice I have ever heard from her: Oh my god! I'm so excited! I love solar panels! I wish we could talk about solar panels every day!

Yes. The assembly was kind of a big joke. And then they made us watch this crazy video hosted by a kid with a crazy, ridiculous voice.

Crazy Voice Kid, kicking off the video: Hi! I'm Hodgy!
Entire Auditorium: [laughter.]

Then they gave us crazy 80s sunglasses afterward. Oh, and Bloomy said his goodbyes and it was super depressing. And quite a few people cried. Which is always fun.

Geo/Trig was great. All we did was make fun of the assembly.

Mr. Havlichek: How about, I give the whole lesson in a Hodgy voice?

Dan: I feel like ZZ Top in these sunglasses!!
Mr. Havlichek: Yeah. All you need is a beard that swings back and forth and a spinning guitar.

Everyone, at least seven times, trying to attempt the Hodgy voice: HIIIII! I'M HODGY!!!!

History is amazing. I loaned the one and only Jacob my notebook, so he sat at the table and made faces at me and hummed and wrote me a note for the whole class period. Oh, and apparently, my notebook is amazing, which makes me happy because I take great pride in my note-taking skills.

Mrs. Campbell, whispering: Whose notebook is that?
Jacob, whispering back: Kellie's! Look at it!
Mrs. Campbell, still whispering and now reading the notes: Oh my god. These notes are amazing. And her handwriting is beautiful!
Jacob, still whispering: I know!! It's fabulous!
Me, innocently taking my test: What now?
Mrs. Campbell and Jacob, in unison: This notebook is amazing!
Me, elated but pretending to be humble: Oh, no it is not! You guys are just being nice!

Yes. That made me happy. I am glad that other people appreciate my anal-retentiveness about notes and my ghetto version of outline format. And Jacob, being Jacob, sent me ridiculous notes through all of class. What a guy.

Theology is just ridiculous. Today we talked about the voices in people's heads. Sure. Okay then. I don't think I want to know about the voices in anyone's heads, particularly not the majority of the people in that class.

Lunch is also rather obscene. Say what you want about the other cafeteria food, but any type of potato made in that cafeteria is simply astonishing. Oh. And also, we probably have the most ridiculous authority figures of any school, anywhere.

Chelsea: So, Mr. Brooker, are you chaperoning the Halloween dance?
Mr. Brooker: Yes, of course!
Chelsea: What are you dressing up as?
Mr. Brooker: Hmm. I don't know yet.
Me, sarcastically: You could always go as Freddie Mercury!
Chelsea: You should go as... ummmm... a coconut!
Mr. Brooker: Why?
Chelsea: Because you're nutty! Ha ha!

Then we had Public Performances. Lip syncs are amazing. The "My Heart Will Go On" one, with the iceberg being evil in the background and a boy in a dress is probably the best one, ever, hands down.

English is one of the best parts of the day. All we did today in class was discuss scary stories, being scared, ghosts, and scary things that have happened to us.

Erik: I think the scariest thing that happened to me was... well, okay, at my dad's house, we always leave the doors unlocked for some reason. And one night, it was summer, and I was sleeping on the couch, and the doors were unlocked as usual. Aaaaand... [all of us are expecting something really scary] a drunk guy walked in. I was so scared. And then he sat on my feet and started talking to me. And that's the end of my story.
Monica: No, no, it's not-- how did you get rid of the drunk guy!?
Erik: Oh. My dad came and told him to leave, I guess.

Anyway. I told the infamous Santa Claus story, and Alyssa thought that was just the most humorous thing ever.

Alyssa: I just figured out what your locker sign is going to be, Kellie. It's going to be a picture of Santa. And then, on the bottom, it will say "BOO!"

Katherine: Oh my god. I was watching Oprah the other day, and she was talking about rapists! She was like, "These people are on the loose and they are going to come and steal your children!" And now we live out in the country, and we have five acres of land and no neighbors, and I'm so worried that someone is going to come into our house and steal me.
Stary: Gee. Thank you, Oprah!

French is ridiculous. Pencil Case is now in an isolation desk permanently. Wtf, Mademichelle?! Lest you think he spent a whole class not being a disruption, he still managed to be a disruption.

Did you know that his real name is Benji Pancake [secret last name that only I know]? Yes. True story.

Anyway. I don't think I've mentioned Chelsea's ridiculous drawings, have I? Oh my dear god. They are truly insane. They look like Napoleon Dynamite drawings, and so far, she has done them of me, Erik, Pencil Case, Stary, Mr. Schultz, Kelsey, and Mademichelle, and they are hysterical. The one of Mademichelle is by far the best.

Comp Lit is so so obscene. Scott likes to demonstrate how low the sophomore boys wear their pants, which is, um, unnecessary. And Pencil Case yells my name at me across the room, but I cannot see his head, as it is covered by the computer, and so that leads to a lot of confusion. Concepts Checks can also feel free to bite me.

Good luck tonight, football team!

"Teletubbies costumes? Seriously? What size are those bad boys?"

2005-10-19T19:54:00.000-05:00

Today was pretty boring. Classes were shortened, because we had mass. Led by Fr. Larry. Oh. Dear. Lord. His homilies are enough to send me over the edge. And it isn't that there are a lot of words. It is the long, elaborate pause/breaths he takes every three words. First, though, Pencil Case and Chelsea fought to have the aisle seat across from me.

Pencil Case: Ha ha! I got it!
Chelsea: You just want to sit by Kellie!
Pencil Case: So do you.

Yes. I love it when my friends fight over me. It makes me feel loved.

Chelsea: He needs to cut down on the Hostess snack cakes.

Geo/Trig was pretty exciting. I did a problem up on the board and knew I got it right and didn't feel stupid, which made me happy, because, well, needless to say, that clearly would not have been the case last year. Thank god for math that actually makes sense.

History was review game and I yet again got to be scorekeeper. Which is insane. Anna cracks me up. "IT'S NOT OPEN!" And I love how that class manages to turn into a sing-a-long just about every other day.

Mark: So, were you at The Party?
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: Oh, definitely. When the cops came, I hid in the closet. Then I snuck out and jumped out the second story window. Then I hid in the woods for three hours. And I got busted on my way home.
Mark: That's cool. Was Mr. Brooker there?
Mrs. Campbell: Of course. He and I went together. Duh.

Lunch was, um, interesting.

Vicky: I got a job offer from Target. So I have to go pee in a cup for them to prove I'm worthy.
Alex: Well... it's a good thing I know you're talking about a drug test.

We got new seats in English. Although I am very sad not to sit in the back corner by Erik and Chelsea anymore, I now sit by Alyssa, Krista, and many other still fun people. Although I sit in the front row. Hmm. Oh well.

French was exciting. Pencil Case made Mademichelle very angry, and Madame was quite angry with Katia, her daughter. See, Madame made her a gorgeous and very elaborate Halloween costume and she was very proud of it.

Madame: You know how much work I put into that costume, right?
Me: Of course! It was beautiful! Did Katia like it?
Madame: Yes. But she liked her ninety-nine-cent shoes more. I am so unhappy with her right now, Kellie.

Then the Golden Apple people came in. I think they were kind of afraid of our class, and with good reason. Then Mademichelle got extremely furious with Pencil Case, who was making throaty "rrrr" noises and fighting with her, and sent him to solitary confinement in a desk that he dubbed Siberia. Madame, ever the bearer of hard-core punishment, tried to reprimand him, too, but just ended up laughing and then needed to know my opinion on which color she should buy a skirt in. Oh man. Anyway. 7 Mademichelle lessons to go.

Comp Lit was pretty much the same. The most annoying freshman ever resides in that class. Some day, that child is going to get his ass kicked, and all I am going to do is laugh. I will not have one iota of sympathy, because, if anyone deserves to get his ass kicked, it is that kid.

After school, I had the Fall Fest planning meeting. Some of my favorite people are at those meetings. Today, it was Alex, Chelsea, Elizabeth, Mrs. Campbell, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Smith, Frau, Erin, and Nikki, who was the only senior since all the other ones left. It was pretty exciting. People in those meetings say the most random things.

First, all the wax paper got stuck to Chelsea's caramel apple. And she was eating it anyway. This really worried me, so I tried to pull off the wax paper, but instead, the whole apple came off the popsicle stick. That was really entertaining, and you kind of had to be there.

There were also our highly random conversations, when we weren't discussing top-secret Fall Fest week plans. Oh, and Charlie called Frau's cell phone, like, eight times.

Mrs. Brown: We should make those big cut-outs. Like that one of you, from your modeling career.
Mrs. Campbell, very quietly: Shhhhhut up.
Everyone: Um, what is this now?
Mrs. Brown: What was the ad for? ShopKo?
Mrs. Campbell: Yes, it was ShopKo. And it was me, and my kid, and it was the most ridiculous picture ever taken of me. I look so ridiculous. My eyes were closed, just like they are in, oh, every picture, but this one was the worst. Because they weren't closed all the way. I looked drugged. I looked like a drugged ShopKo mom.

Me, grabbing water bottles: Would anyone else like one?
Chelsea: I would!
Mrs. Campbell: Could you get one for me, too, please?
[Me, pantomiming throwing it at her.]
Mrs. Campbell: Please don't throw it at me! I'm on drugs, remember?!

Chelsea: I would do that.
Mrs. Smith: Well, Chelsea... you are a very. Um. Special sort of person.

Mrs. Campbell: I was thinking about that during church.
Me, laughing: Way to set an example.
Mrs. Campbell: Whilllle I was praying.

Mrs. Brown: I had no idea what was going on in that article. The language was a little difficult.
Nikki: You're an English teacher.

Anyway. Bloomy came to visit us for a while, skipping out on his real meeting all because he wanted a brownie. What a fun guy. We told karaoke stories, and then Mrs. Campbell and I had another of our random conversations, this time about Teletubby costumes, because, yes, I do in fact own them. Then Charlie called Frau again. Then Elizabeth had to leave, then Chelsea did. Then the meeting was over, after a lot of time talking about things that had absolutely zero to do with Fall Fest, and I went to see Pencil Case at play practice.

Well, first of all, practice got out early, which was nice because Pencil Case and I had to go hunt for the perfect tie. And, while we were shopping, he did indeed find it. But not after a crazy car ride with his mother, Mary.

Me: Why is your name and phone number on the ice scraper, Mary?
Mary: That was Pencil Case's idea when he was little. Don't ask me.

Anyway. After finding the perfect yuppie tie and an amazing yuppie sweater, we went to the food court and ate some pretzels from Auntie Anne's and discovered that the cheese sauce there has anchovies as one of its ingredients.

On the way home, we stopped at Krispy Kreme, after I un-child locked the car doors. Pencil Case was going to order Mary the wrong doughnut, since she sent us in to get some. But then I reminded him that it was custard.

Mary: It better be custard. It better not be that gross white cream.
Pencil Case: I would never order you the wrong thing!
Me: Only because I reminded you.
Mary: Did you get napkins?
Pencil Case: ...No.
Me: I remembered them.
Mary: See, Pencil Case? Women remember these things. Kellie is good at this, you are not.

"Hyperbolas are parabolas that are on drugs!"

2005-10-18T16:02:00.000-05:00

Oh man. I love Geo/Trig. It is my favorite math class of my entire life thus far. First of all, Alex always delivers notes and so she comes bringing stories for me.

Alex: I have the most ridiculous group for theology. Matt, Kyle, and Gavin. Seriously, Kellie, I swear to God, all they talked about today was all the drugs they've done, all the times they've been arrested, and how they fight with Indians--- and yes, they actually did talk about fighting with Indians.

Then we talked about the favorite conversation of this weekend.

Alex: Should I do the MySpace layout with vertical or horizontal stripes?
Me: Well, the vertical one is much cuter. Plus, horizontal stripes will make your MySpace look fat.
Alex: Oh, good point!
Me, after a long pause: Alex, that was a joke.

Yes. Alex is the smartest ditz you will ever meet. Anyway, then we were talking about our beloved ellipses, hyperbolas, and so forth from Algebra 2. That is probably the one thing I retained and did well in in that class.

Mr. Havlichek: A hyperbola is a parabola that is on drugs.

Anyway. History was pretty exciting because apparently kids these days don't know what hemmorhoids are.

Tim: What's a hemmorhoid?
Mrs. Campbell: Oh, god... well, you guys are going to learn a lot today, aren't you?

Anna and I also had a really long conversation about all our good times at SMS.

Anna: Remember that one time when Matt was freaking out and talking about how the kids in the other math class were busy watching The Sharon Osbourne Show in the library and then Mrs. Wilke wouldn't believe him so he left the room and she started to cry?
Me: And we were the advanced math class.
Anna: Yeah... we also made her cry when we wouldn't stop singing "The Coconut Song" from The Lion King, remember?

Oh St. Matts. How little do I miss you.

Lunch was pretty interesting. Chelsea went to get a Three Muskateers bar at the vending machine but hit the wrong button and got M&M's, so she was sharing them.

Pencil Case: Look, this one's all tiny!
Me: Did you just say, "This one tastes like brain tumor"?
Pencil Case: Um... no.
Me: Are you serious?
Pencil Case: Yes.

I still swear that is what I heard. Anyway, then Chels and I went to the Atrium, where there were very amusing conversations to be had about things like Yoga Time in French class. (Which we haven't had yet this year due to a certain Mademichelle.) Then we got into a really big conversation with Mrs. Campbell about clothing, style, and the absolute brilliance of the Express Editor pant. But then it was time for English.

Stary had yet another costume in English today. Oh man. We were not quite as amused as we were last time. We have to write a poem for Monday. That's pretty exciting.

French was okay. Probably one of the better days we've had with Mademichelle teaching. Pencil Case stuck out his hand for Mademichelle to give him a high five, but she just stared at it, appalled, as we all laughed at her.

High fives were the order of the day for Pencil Case the whole way to Comp Lit. Ohhh my gosh. That class. Do not even get me started. After school, I had to go drop something off for Madame, and we had a very long discussion about hair.

Madame: I want to have soft waves.
Me: You do know how ridiculous that sounded, right?
Madame: Seriously, I am never cutting my hair again.
Me: You will look like a hippie.
Pencil Case: If you're going to do that, you need to buy, like, a bajillion cats. Plus, Madame, you just have a short hair head. One of those heads that needs short hair.

I love my bus so much. And now that volleyball season is over, Alex is on it! Yay. All we ever do is make fun of Diana, which Anna is the best at. It's not the most difficult of arts, though, I'd have to say.

Smurfs are three apples tall, not four. You learn something new every day.

2005-10-17T18:48:00.000-05:00

Oh today was pretty interesting for a Monday. Actually, overall, it was pretty boring. But, you know, there is always the usual NDA gossip. And, you know, to the bazillion kids who got caught, all I have to say is, they deserved it. I mean, if you're stupid enough to be that obvious, you're clearly stupid enough to get caught. Oh well. It's really just a typical incident at this school.

Alyssa, after I gave her a crazy "Mom, there's a Flaten in our toilet!" locker sign: Si! Si, si! Si!

Anyway. I love that I busted my butt to write two things for today that weren't even due.

Bio test, which I completely forgot about, was pretty easy. I am officially the worst at labeling diagrams, though. I think I just made things up that seemed vaguely correct for the entire last page. But, since it is, after all, a Bio B test, I did just fine.

Geo/Trig was problem solving. I love that.

Erik: Do you have a calculator?
Me: No, sorry.
Erik, no more than five minutes later: Do you have a calculator?
Me: Erik, why would my answer have changed in the last five minutes?

History, we were all kind of mopey since it was raining and we just weren't feeling like our random selves. Oh well.

Lunch was pretty mopey too. Chelsea officially has the craziest cartwheeling/breakdancing skills I have ever in my life witnessed. And she tells the most ridiculous mean jokes.

English was okay. Again, we were all kind of mopey. We had to go line up with the sign that represented the Emily Dickinson poem we liked the best/understood the most. First of all, I cannot stand Emily Dickinson at all. Second of all, when I was sitting around, representin' "The Soul Selects her own Society" with Katie and Steven, I got a little bored and said, "Hey! Dry-erase boards are a good way to dispel boredom." So I wrote, "Sup Homeslice?" on the board.

Stary: Homeslice, Kellie? Homeslice?!

French was pretty entertaining. We had to recite the stupid poem. That was pretty invigorating. Personally my favorite rendition was Pencil Case's.

Pencil Case: Il a mis son chapeau sur sa tete... something about a coat... il est parti and something about rain.

Pencil Case: Jill is a Smurf!
Me: Did you know that Belgium has this new PSA with Smurfs running around getting blown up? It is an anti-nuclear warfare message.
Mademichelle: That's great, but we are not talking about that right now.
Pencil Case: She's a Strawberry Shortcake!!

Pencil Case: Can I do number one?
Mademichelle: You can if you don't say a word for the rest of this hour.
Pencil Case: Never mind.

Anyay. Nine days until Mademichelle leaves. I'm pretty pumped.

Comp Lit was the usual.

Mrs. Pease: Please turn to the puke green section of the book.
Hannah: Ew... don't say that.
Mrs. Pease: Fine. Please turn to the pea green section of the book.
Hannah: If your pee is that color, you have some medical conditions you need to take care of. Why does it have to be a bodily function? Why can't it just be Christmas tree green?!

After school, I had to go get my study guide for history. That was pretty entertaining, as usual.

Pencil Case: Kellie, how tall is a Smurf?
Me: Four apples tall.
Pencil Case: No, Kellie. Three. Three apples tall. Don't you know anything?

Mrs. Campbell, as if I would know where the study guides are: Kellie, where did I put the study guides?!
Me: I don't know. I can't read your mind.
Mrs. Campbell: Thank god for that! You'd probably be scared of me.

Anyway. We ate some very good toffee and Pencil Case, as usual, asked a million questions.

Pencil Case, pointing to a picture: Is that your family?
Me: Nope. She just found a picture of some random people and stuck it to her filing cabinet.
Pencil Case: Wow. You guys all look happy.
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: That's because we're at church.
Pencil Case: Oh! My mom and I were going to get our church picture taken but then we decided that we don't go enough.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, they still put you in the book whether you go to church or not.

Anyway. This conversation brought to mind good times laughing at our parish picture book with my mother. But I did not share those because I don't think anyone really needs to know how mean my mom and I are. Seriously, those parish picture books are like yearbooks. If yearbooks totally sucked in every possible way.

I hope you are all going to the Halloween dance. Pencil Case and I have thoroughly amazing costumes planned.

Someday, my mom is going to get quick 50'ed.

2005-10-14T23:56:00.000-05:00

Tonight was insane and disappointing. We lost. But, you know what, many humorous things were said, and so that makes me feel better.

Random Little Girls, to Pencil Case who has a green mustache drawn on himself: You look like a girl. A girl with a mustache.

Then we went to Barnes and Noble. Of course, we listened to Bat Boy, because we always do and because it is hilarious. I wish Pencil Case would just go buy it already. Anyway. We sat around and gossiped and talked about dirty things.

Erik: Josh sits there after his shower and flexes his muscles and, like, caresses his biceps in the mirror.

Anyway. Then my mom came. Sadly, this did not put a crimp in our sex talk. She was quite entertained by it. Even more sadly, my friends were quite thrilled to discuss it with her. Then it was time for the car ride home, which was just more very humorous sex talk. Seriously, half the things my mother said cannot be put on here because I will get Quick 50'ed/put in Child Protective Services. Anyway. Chels is still naive, Pencil Case does a booty shake walk and hits windows, and, to sum up the car ride in one phrase: "mechanical bull."

Chelsea, shouting: Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Yo, Slut. Wuzzup?

2005-10-14T15:58:00.000-05:00

Ohhh my goodness. Could this week get any more entertaining? Oh yes it very much could. And the Preble-NDA game is tonight!! I better see all you there, because this is the biggest, hugest, most important game of the year. And, also, we're going to win. Or at least we had better. I know that even if we don't win, we'll still be an amazing, phenomenal team, and you all better not act depressed and emo about it so long as we tried our hardest.

But, still, I'm thinking our hardest? Is going to kick theirs.

Anyway. Today was actually pretty boring in the morning. The executive board meeting was pretty exciting. I am on the Fall Fest planning committee, so that is fun.

Mrs. Brown: I have one of those men on a stick in my front yard.
Mrs. Mellberg: A straw guy?
Angelina: Um... are you guys talking about a scarecrow?

During Geo/Trig, Mrs. Mellberg made her presence known in the French room, which is next door to our Geo/Trig classroom, by screaming, "HIIIIIIII MADAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!!!"

Of course, now we shall discuss history. Jacob drew a very elaborate representation of yesterday's infamous story on the board and then Mrs. Campbell came in and laughed.

Me: How are the frogs now? Are they doing any better?
Mrs. Campbell: I think so. Fuzzy's hand is still fuzzy, though. I'm hoping it will just fall off.
Someone: Oh, then it will match that other frog that got its hand chewed off by the fish.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, it will! If Fuzzy's hand falls off and I can still find it, I will put it in a Ziploc bag and bring it in to show you guys.

Yes. That conversation pretty much explains why our school is insane in the best possible way. All of us are definitely praying for Fuzzy's hand to fall off now.

Mrs. Campbell: Seriously, though. The frogs are doing better. And you guys better not make fun of me. You know what I did to fish. Think of what I could do to you... And then Grace would walk into the bathroom and say, "Mom, there's a Flaten in our toilet!"
Alyssa: Thaaaaaanks.

Mrs. Campbell, holding up a WWJD bracelet: Is this anybody's? See, this is my dilemma. I want to take it and give it to my daughter... but I'm guessing that stealing is not what Jesus would do. It's a big problem.

Mrs. Campbell: Women sometimes fought in the Revolutionary War... they would pull a Mulan.

Caitlin: Once, at my old school in South Carolina, my teacher told twenty girls, "Two of you are going to be pregnant before you are twenty! And then you will get abortions! And then you will go to hell!"

Anna: That's really funny that her name was Molly Pitcher and she delivered water. Haha.
Everyone: Anna... that was her nickname.
Anna: Wow. I've been really stupid lately.

Anyway. After conversations about people getting their heads blown off and people whose names fit their careers, it was time to go, much to our dismay.

Alex took some really humorous pictures at lunch and I cannot wait to see them. They are going to be hilarious.

English class was hysterical. First, Caitlin was appalled and horrified by the idea that Emily Dickinson may have been a lesbian.

Then, after feeling inadequate and pulling his over-shirt thing over his face but failing the first time, Stary confessed to reading my blog. (Hi Stary.) The conversation went something like this:
Stary: I've seen what you guys write in your notes. "Yo, Slut. Wuzzup?" And [looks at me] I've seen all the things you write on your blog. And Chelsea, you need to update more, woman.
Me: You said you weren't going to read it. You said that you didn't want to know the details of the teenage mind.
Stary: Wellllll. My curiosity got the better of me. Also, of all the funny things I say, why do you write the ones that make me sound the most stupid and dorky?

French was okay. I wish that class would get back to the way it used to be. Sigh.

Me: I have retainerth and they make me thound thtupid.
Madame: They do not.
Me: I thound like I have a lithp.
Madame, laughing: Haha. You kind of do... it's funny.

Madame: This is what I am hearing: Blah blah blah blahblahBLAH.
Me: That was a very cute song.
Madame: Well, I'm cute.
Me: And modest, too.

Pencil Case founded a new nickname for Mademoiselle, too. Mademichelle. It is very catchy.

I hate comp lit so much. It is completely stupid and also useless. And this one freshman in that class? Needs to go away. Seriously. Like, now. I cannot stand him. He is rude, immature, and somehow thinks that people actually like and are amused by his loud, boorish behavior. Which they are not. It's so irritating.

Anyway. On the bus, we played paper-cracking games that were pretty stupid and much funnier when people failed at them. Okay... when Diana failed at them. I love my bus so much.

Fuzzy the Frog

2005-10-13T17:16:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness. What a day.

First, we had the Halloween dance planning meeting. Which was just Caitlin, Chelsea, and me. But Mrs. Brown, as usual, had crazy stories to tell.

Mrs. Brown: On the freshman retreat yesterday, Mrs. Smith didn't do anything. She wanted to play with these dogs she found. So she just hung out with the dogs all day.

Anyway. Then it was off to study hall. There were some pretty interesting announcements, which we of course all just made fun of.

Mrs. Smith: "A car was crashed into in the staff parking lot yesterday. It would be greatly appreciated if whoever was responsible would please see Mr. Brooker as soon as possible." Oh no! They caught me!

Geo/Trig was pretty entertaining. Paul is back and he and I are now feeling-like-crap buddies. Yes. That was exciting. Then Alyssa's dad came to class, gave her a Driver's Ed packet, and Mr. H didn't even notice, so we all laughed.

Mr. H: What? Do I have a hole in my pants or something?

Mr. H: Remember when your grade-school math teacher, Sister Mary Elephant or Football or whatever, taught you long division?

Anyway. Nothing makes me feel better than history class. Partially because Jacob gave me the most amazing cold medicine ever, Advil Cold and Sinus, since I sounded and felt like crap. However, I apparently opened it incorrectly, because he freaked out and walked across the room to open it for me.

Me, very annoyed because I like doing things for myself: Apparently being sick also makes me incapable of doing things for myself.
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: It's not because you're sick, it's because you're a helpless little girl.

Anna, looking at the Declaration of Independence printed in our book: Oh my god. How did they sign it so small?
Me: Anna. That's not how big it really is... it's changed to fit the textbook.
Anna: Okay, now I just feel stupid.

Mrs. Campbell: They were happy. They celebrated. They were like, "Celebrate good times, come on!" Or, you know, that other famous song, "Celebrate, celebrate, come on and celebrate." Do you guys know that song?
Anna: It's from the Celebrex commercials.
Mrs. Campbell: Oh, that's right. Wow... I'm special.

Mrs. Campbell: He was 33. I don't think that's old, but you probably do. Then again, in one of my classes a long time ago, I was talking about someone and what they did at the age of 26 and I was making a huge deal out of it and this kid goes, "So? That's old." And I said, "I'm 26!" because I was. And he goes, "Well, you're old, too!" [We laugh.] Can you guys think of someone who is 33? Other than Jesus?

Anyway. My personal favorite is the tangent story of the day. Which was caused, as usual, by me. This story took about twenty minutes of our class time. It is probably one of my favorite stories ever.

Mrs. Campbell: He was a beehive-kicker!
Me: Oh my gosh! Mr. Blumreich and I were talking about that yesterday. Does his cat really have three legs?
Mrs. Campbell: I think so, actually. Our neighbors used to have a three-legged cat, and they called it Tripod!
Me: Haha, that is what my friend Pencil Case suggested as a name for Mr. Blumreich's cat.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, I have a frog with a fuzzy hand.
Whole class: WHAT?!
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah... he had this virus thing, and now his hand looks like a cotton ball. He is left out from the other frogs, and it makes me kind of sad. They won't let him eat or swim at the same time he does. He is like a leper.
Me: What is the frog named?
Mrs. Campbell: Well. I call him Fuzzy. But that is actually just really mean.

You might think that was the end of the frog stories. No, you are mistaken. You see, it is all Mrs. Campbell's fault that her frogs are messed up. Because she is, according to the people who own the aquarium shop, the worst frog owner in the history of Green Bay.

Mrs. Campbell: All the frogs are apparently dying, though. My husband and I went to the aquarium store to see what we could do to help them, because they're very lethargic. The kids want them to jump and be really happy, but they do not jump because they are not happy frogs.
Me: Maybe because they are dying.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeahhhh. I'm sure that's a large part of it. Anyway. Apparently we are doing everything wrong. We told the aquarium people what we do and they are all, "NO! DON'T DO THAT!" and they flipped out at us. Apparently, we clean out the tank the wrong way and their systems go into shock because of it. We give them too much food and so it sits in the bottom of the tank and apparently that releases ammonia and that's why they're dying.
Whole class: This is horrible.
Mrs. Campbell: The best part is, the fish that we got to be friends for the frogs? They are the absolute worst kind of fish you can have with frogs. We looked it up on the Internet and the exact words were "These are the worst possible kind of fish to put with frogs."

So, because it is apparently not enough that the frogs are slowly dying, it is decided that the fish have to go. Now, before you begin to think that Mrs. Campbell's family is insane, I am going to make this statement: Mrs. Campbell's family is clearly just as insane as mine and I find it comforting to know that other people are indeed as crazy as my people.

Mrs. Campbell: So, we have to get rid of all these little tiger barb fish. And my husband decided he really wanted to flush them, but I insisted that we had to offer them to a few people first. But no one wanted them. So we told the kids that we gave them away to another family, but my husband really just flushed them. And you would think he would have done it right. But no. We go to Eliza's soccer game and then afterward, we come home, and it is Grace's bathtime. And she goes into the bathroom and announces, very nonchalantly, "There is a fish in our toilet." And I freaked out. So I look and, sure enough, there is a little fish tail waving in that part that's so hard to get with the toilet brush. So I very quickly said, "There is not a fish!" and I flushed it.
Whole class: Oh my god. You are crazy.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, it was so funny, the way she said, "There is a fish in our toilet." Like, "There is a gorilla in my bedroom." Like this is all perfectly normal. And then she kept saying, "But, I know there was one. Do you believe me?" and I, good mother that I am, said, "Well, I believe that you think you saw one." And she explained very calmly, "It could have swum up from the creek or something," because, she, like every child, has seen Finding Nemo. So I said, "Well, maybe you did see one, then."

Yes. I did not make any of this up.

Theology we talked about puke and Alex had orgasmic beans at lunch. Vicky got her ears pierced and they look very pretty.

English class, we just talked about our dream careers. Caitlin is going to be the dictator's wife and Allison is going to be a cannibal. Oh, and I accidentally hit Chelsea in the nose, but I didn't mean to and I am still very sorry.

Molly: Oh! I have a Helen Keller story! Well, kind of. One day in English class at HFS, we were talking about Emily Dickinson. And some kid goes, "Was she that blind girl that had no friends?" and another kid goes, "Nooo. That was Helen Keller!"

French was with Mademoiselle again. We learned L'imparfait, which was exciting, kind of. Pencil Case makes her very angry. And we antagonize her about having a crush on the theology student teacher, but she actually does not, or at least that is what she said.

During Comp Lit, a few kids, including Scott, got busted for cheating. Scott was highly upset.

Scott: I'm going to talk to Mr. Brooker about this.
Mrs. Pease: So go.
Scott: No, not today. Today is Thursday and that means tomorrow is Friday. I'll do it on Monday.

Anna, on the bus, as we drive past the water tower: Oh my god, you guys! Look... the water tower is gone.
[Everyone looks at the water tower which is, of course, still there.]
Everyone: No, it's not.
Anna: Oh. Well. Now I feel even more stupid.

Yes. What a day.

I don't even know what to title this post because of all the random hilarious things it involves.

2005-10-12T19:45:00.000-05:00

Ohhhh my dear lord. You might have thought today would have been boring, what with having only three hours of school, all of which were the PLAN test. But, no. First of all because I was there with Pencil Case and Wolfae until 5ish. And we did random crazy things like go to Atlanta Bread and wander around the school bothering some of the most humorous people ever.

[Poppa G drives by.]
Vicky: Let's ask Poppa G for a ride to ABC!
Me: We are not asking Poppa G for a ride in his little priest car.

Elizabeth: We were playing hangman after the test today... and A. went up to the board and goes, "This word has a double meaning." And it was cantaloupe. And we were like, "Um, how does that have a double meaning?" And A. said, "You know, like those deer that run through the desert?"

At ABC, Pencil Case had a huge unground chunk of pesto in his bite of pasta and freaked out and spat it out. Back into the bowl. It was revolting.

First, Madame kidnapped us and made us make 60 Religious Certification Packets for herself and her co-workers. We had to borrow Mr. Schultz's staplers, who are named Stanley and Quill. He named them that so he can remember which staple brands go with which stapler. Anyway, this conversation took place during the stapling extravaganza.

Pencil Case: Why can't we call you G-Unit?
Madame: Because it makes me sound FAT.
Me: Can we call you G-Funk?
Madame: No... I don't like that. I don't like words that begin with F.

Madame: What's-his-face. The guy with the green suit.
Me: Mr. Blumreich? One of your, oh I don't know, best friends? You can't remember his name?
Madame: Uggggggh I'm tired.

So then we had to go return the staplers to Mr. Schultz, which involved many funny conversations.

Mr. Schultz: What did you guys need them for?
Me: We were being slave laborers and helping Madame put together religious certification packets.
Mr. Schultz: Oh... those things are crap, anyway.

Anyway. He had a big paper grocery bag of candy and he let us have some of it while we bothered him with stupid questions. Then Brooker came in and was all, "why are these hooligans in here?" and Mr. Schultz replied, "Oh, they are just here for the candy!" and pointed at the paper bag. Brooker, instead of just tilting the bag to look at it like a normal human being, stuck his head in the bag to see. That made me laugh for about an hour.

Somewhere after that, Pencil Case conned Fr. Dane into giving him one of his school pictures... I still don't quite know what that is about.

Anyway, after bothering Fr. Dane for a bit, we bothered Blumreich. This is always fun because Mr. Blumreich is very fond of just inventing things to make us laugh.

Me, holding up a picture his daughter drew: This is really cute. What is it a picture of?
Mr. Blumreich: It's a map!
Me: A map of what?
Mr. Blumreich: A map of a map. It's a really crappy map, too. But I couldn't say that to my kid. I couldn't be like, "That's horrible. Do it again!"

Mr. Blumreich: I have a cat with three legs. We used to have a cat with diabetes but I just got tired of giving him two shots a day and so we put him to sleep.
Pencil Case: I know someone who has a cat with one eye.
Mr. Blumreich: Yeah, I am used to crazy cats. My mom ran a no-kill cat shelter in our house when I was a kid. So we had all these one-eyed and three-legged cats. It was called the Lighthouse. It was a beacon of hope for three-legged cats.

Mr. Blumreich: I've always wanted a three-legged cat statue... but I don't think it would stand up.

Pencil Case: [Tells the now-infamous dog treats story.]
Mr. Blumreich: Wow. Were they Beggin' Strips? Those are the only dog treats I can ever imagine being good. They seriously look like real bacon! Anyway, I will have to talk to Madame Geyer about that because I really don't think dog treats are good for her. I mean, my brother, when we were kids... he ate dog food like it was popcorn or something. And my mom let him!

Anyway. After bothering Estufa for a while and talking about Boubeniders and writing ridiculous things all over her wipe-board, we went to play practice. The play is going to be so good and I am very pleased with it. It will be very very funny.

After the play, we were all leaving and Liz had a fake-fur purse and Kelly G-Funk freaked out.

Kelly G-Funk: That better not be real fur.
Liz: I don't know... the tag says "fox."
Kelly G-Funk: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I am so ashamed of you.
Me: Wait. Fox spelled "f-a-u-x?"
Liz: Yeah.
Me: Kelly G-Funk, she meant faux. She thought it was pronounced fox.

Anyway. Play practice let out over half an hour early and Pencil Case and I had no rides coming for quite some time so we went up to Kelly G-Funk's room to "help her". Which meant, again, more writing on the wipe board. Pencil Case drew his infamous Estufa sea monkey.

Pencil Case: Doesn't it look like her, in a caricature sort of way?
Kelly G-Funk: Sure... I guess. [Squints to read the board. Long pause.] Why does it say sex monkey on there?
Pencil Case and Me: It says sea monkey!

That made me laugh almost as hard as bag head Brooker.

For all you ND people who read this blog unbeknownst to me, I would really appreciate if you tell me that you read it and hopefully enjoy it. It would be greatly appreciated.

Now With 100% Less Braces.

2005-10-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

Wow. Today was a highly enjoyable day. For all those of you who have braces: getting them off = lots of fun and lots of compliments. And your teeth feel all shiny and your gums feel gigantic and, for a while, you feel like you just have the hugest teeth in the world even though you actually do not.

Anyway. My Bio lab partners = extremely entertaining.

Chloe: I love your teeth... oh my god. That sounded really stupid, didn't it?

Chloe, looking into the microscope: WOW!
Polly: What? Was it moving?
Chloe: No! But I can see it!

Anyway. I love Geo/Trig. Mr. Havlichek and Kathleen are fascinated by my sneezing. Apparently they are going to do a study on me all year to see if I ever sneeze less than three times. Okay then. And there were, ahem, rather interesting things to be seen that I am not putting here.

History class, as usual, takes the cake.

Mrs. Campbell: Wait, Kellie-- there's something different about you.
Me: Yes?
Mrs. Campbell, thinking: Did you have braces?
Me: Yes.
Mrs. Campbell: Did you have braces yesterday?
Me: Yes.
Mrs. Campbell: Oh my god! I have never ever gotten it on the first day before. Usually I ask kids if they got their braces taken off and they are like, "Yeah... two months ago."

Jessi: Yeah... apparently we can't wear turtleneck sweaters anymore. I got a detention for one! Detention! For a turtleneck!
Mrs. Campbell: Well, technically, it wouldn't be against Dress Code if you wore it with a polo underneath and stuck the little lapels out of your turtleneck. You would just look like a huge nerd.
Anna: I'll do that!
Me: I'll pay you to do that just so I can laugh.
Anna: Okay!

(Anna will do anything if you pay her. No, seriously. She drank this gross flour-y water once because Frau gave her a dollar. A wholllle dollar. Imagine that.)

Anyway. We then watched this obscene movie that all the other history classes watched. It was a bunch of random celebrities reading the Declaration of Independence including Winona Ryder, who does not blink, and Whoopi Goldberg, who has no eyebrows.

Mrs. Campbell: There are a lot of people in this movie, like Mel Gibson and the Chinese lady from ER and Winona Ryder before she stole all those clothes and Renee Zellweger.
Anna: Is Renee Zellweger going to be squinty?
Mrs. Campbell: Is she ever not squinty? I swear, her face is always, like, stretched back. [Demonstrates Renee's face by pulling her skin back, squinting, and trying to smile.]

Alyssa, upon seeing "P.O.W.'s" on the board: Pow! Pow! Pow!

Yes. I love that class so much. We actually do accomplish things sometimes. I swear.

Theology was just more talk of the Posse, and Alex had "Parkinson's" during lunch. Anyway. There was no calling myself derogatory names in front of our beloved associate principal today, so that was an improvement.

Stary had some rather humorous stories to tell us during English.

George: How do you become a fencing master?
Stary: Well... you have to go through this training program and then a bunch of other masters decide whether or not you are worthy. (Molly and I crack up, thinking of the nerdiness of this.) Oh, be quiet.

Stary: I took ballroom dancing in college. So did my friend Matt. He had a teacher named Vivian who was a man.

Then there were dorky hand gestures that were supposed to demonstrate sailing and the words "hard crunchy bits" were used way too much. Oh and the word "secrete" apparently makes me laugh. That is something I did not know about myself.

You know what I do not like? When Madame abandons us with Mademoiselle for an entire French lesson. Especially when I have things to tell her. Oh well. She ended up seeing my lovely chompers after school anyway when I ran into her and declared that I am now "her little Kellinka all grown up." Ohhhhkay G-Funk.

Well, I guess something did happen. Pencil Case started singing "America" from West Side Story and this deeply aggravated Mademoiselle. Then he made it into the "Gender Song", which made me laugh.

Chelsea, just babbling and making randomness: They are totally going to have sex. Actually, they've already had sex, like, five times. [Long pause.] They told me.

Comp Lit is completely and totally ridiculous. At least we got to listen to Death Cab (ohhhhyes!), but I have to say that being called "a good girl" seriously makes me want to go on a rampage and flip the bird. And I wish I could sit next to Pencil Case in that class.

What a day, what a day.

"Those are dog treats!"

2005-10-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness gracious. What a day. It all started when I got to school and ran into Pencil Case and Tiffany.

Tiffany: Have you seen Alex? I had a dream about her. She was pregnant and she told me that being pregnant was "the cool thing to do."

That made me laugh, but Tiffany always does. Then Alex, Caitlin, and I went to sit in the Commons. Alex had about ten minutes to mend a poster for English.

Alex: Aughhhhh! I need tape! Tape tape tape!
Me: Let's say "tape" a few more times.
Caitlin: Tape-ity tape!
Me: Tapeworm!
Caitlin: Haaaa--- ew.

Then it was time for study hall followed by Bio. Chloe and I say some pretty funny things during Bio labs.

Chloe: How would you describe the cytoplasm?
Me: Well... it's goopy.
Chloe: That was highly scientific.
Me: I know.

Me, looking into the microscope and seeing moving blobs: Ahhhhh! It moved!!
(Polly cracks up at me.)

Geo/Trig was pretty funny. Well, not in an intentional way.

Mr. H: Paul is very sick. He has mono, the kissing disease... I guess he was kissing the wrong person or something. (All the kids laugh.)

Oh my goodness. History, Paul's mono was again mentioned even though he's not in that class.

Jacob, being a dramatic hypochondriac: Ohmygod. I'm sick again. I can't handle this!
Jessi: Maybe you have no immune system because you have AIDS.
Jacob: OHMYGOD OHMYGOD. MAYBE I DO HAVE AIDS.
Caitlin: Jacob, why would you even be concerned about that?
Mrs. Campbell: Settle down. First of all, you wouldn't have AIDS, technically. You'd have HIV. Second of all, you probably just have mono or something.
Me: Yeah. Were you kissing Paul?

Mrs. Campbell: I don't correct in red pen.
Caitlin: Why not?
Mrs. Campbell: Because I think it's mean and evil.

Erik: What did the Postmaster General even do?
Mrs. Campbell: Um, he supervised the postal workers... duh. (Laughs.) I have no idea what the Postmaster General did.

Anyway. Christine and I have way too much fun laughing at absolutely nothing during that class. Honestly, we spend so much time laughing, and I cannot even begin to explain why some of these things are funny. Mostly because they're just completely random and I'd be taking them out of context when they didn't even have any context in the first place.

Lunch makes me laugh.

Me, really loudly, as Brooker walks by: I'M SUCH A HUGE SLUT.

Alex is definitely a pig, too. And Katie told my favorite kind of Y stories, Preston stories. Apparently his new thing is to walk into the girls' changing hallway. Oh Preston.

English class we talked about death again. And Chelsea kept saying things in her man voice. Then Erik was obsessed with the word "sepulcher" but couldn't spell it.

Chelsea, in the man voice: I see dead people. They are buried eeeeeverywhere.
Me: Even I thought that was morbid.

Anyway. Then I told stories of Alice B. Toklas's ~~dumpster~~ grave but it was soon time for French. During French, we had to memorize a poem in five minutes. No one actually succeeded but I got pretty far and so Madame announced that I got cookies for some reason. I thought that was pretty cool. So I went back to get my cookies but I waited to eat them.

Pencil Case: Kellie, eat your cookies or just give them to me, seriously.

So I put a bite of them in my mouth.

Madame: You weren't supposed to eat them during class!!!! (Suddenly starts laughing so hard she is tearing up and turning red.)
Me: Ohmygod. What?
Madame: Those are DOG TREATS!

Well, everyone but me found this quite hilarious and laughed for a very long time. I made my favorite obscene hand gesture of fist-pounding at them.

Whole Class: Why did you give her dog treats?
Madame: Because she always makes fun of me for eating dog treats! She is always like, 'Madame, that is very disgusting.'

Anyway. It was all very entertaining. In the end, she gave me real candy because she felt bad. When Pencil Case and I left for Comp Lit, she was nibbling on one of the dog treats herself. Oh God. Pencil Case was then determined to tell everyone that I eat dog treats.

Pencil Case: Kellie eats dog treats!
Me: I was misled. I thought they were cookies.
Mrs. Pease: My mom ate monkey food once. She thought it was nuts.

Anyway. In case that wasn't insane enough, my bus is even crazier.

Diana: I used to have glitter tights from the Gap.
Lauren: My mom has glitter tights!!!

Caitlin: Did you know that you can pluck your leg hairs? You can! And the roots come out and everything! The hairs are, like, an inch long!

Alex Doesn't Know How To Order Coffee.

2005-10-06T22:41:00.000-05:00

Tonight was an extremely enjoyable beginning to the weekend. First, Chelsea and I went to see Corpse Bride. It was very good, and funny, and a little morbid. I want a dog like Scraps. But I thought it was very, very short.

Afterward, we met up with Pencil Case and Alex at B&N. They could not go to the movie because they had Swing Choir practice and volleyball, respectively. But once they got there, it was highly entertaining.

Alex: Do they serve ice cream here?

Alex: I'm going to Preble's homecoming.
Pencil Case: Don't get an STD.
Me: That's Bay Port.
Pencil Case: Well, don't get F's.

Finally we coerced Alex into getting a vanilla bean frappucino. However, she had no idea how to order it and kept messing up. Then we threw the sizes in and we just lost her.

Alex: I want a small.
Pencil Case: A tall.
Alex: No, a small.
Me: Alex... Alex. Tall is small.
Alex: God! I'm so bad at this whole cafe thing!

Alex, two minutes later: Is it "vanilla bean" or "bean vanilla?"

Alex, after scooping all the cream out of her Frappuccino onto a napkin and having Pencil Case put it in his latte: My frappuchachinoa is so good!

Anyway. We had some very hilarious discussions about things like Linley, things Pencil Case never had to tell us, and other such topics. Then we thought we saw Tiffany, but we didn't. After our random and hilarious conversations, none of which I can post here, we went and looked at CDs and books until it was time to go home.

In the car ride, Alex, Chelsea, my father, and I talked about vomit. We are still in debate over who actually caused this topic. I still maintain that it was Alex's fault for even asking about chicken nuggets in the first place. Anyway. We dropped Chelsea off and then Alex had some stories to tell.

Alex: We watched this really stupid video in history today. It was, like, Winona Ryder reading the Declaration of Independence and she was all stoned-looking. Then, after it was over, Mr. Schultz got really hyper and yelled, "YAY! INDEPENDENCE!" and we all just looked at him like, "Whatever, bud." He was really disappointed, I think.

Oh what a night. I ♥ weekends.

Dog Treats and Jacob's Scary Picture

2005-10-06T14:33:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh. I love French Club. And I love that attendance has gone completely down now that we no longer have doughnuts. And I love that we are listening to Guster in Comp Lit. Guster will always make my heart happy.

Madame: Are we going to do dog treats? I have a recipe.
Sammi: Yeah. Tell the kids what dog treats taste like, because apparently you eat them.
Madame: I do not eat them. I taste them.
Me: Do you ingest them?
Madame: Well. Yes.
Me: Then that is eating.
Pencil Case: What do they taste like?
Madame: Graham crackers. Actually some of them taste better than graham crackers. You have to buy the upscale dog treats, though. Like Eukanuba.

Anyway. I love my Geo/Trig class. We just make up crazy "sohcahtoa" chants to out-shout the French I class next door. Okay, Jacob next door, but you know what I mean. And, I heart trigonometry.

But you know what I heart even more than trigonometry? More than just about anything? You guessed it. History. First, class didn't start for about five minutes because Mr. Brooker was there, being a serious distraction. But then he left, and so we had to play our lovely quiz review game. Oh and Jacob was writing things like "Depression (The Grat)" on the board so he was on the tail end of quite a bit of harassment.

Basically, we were paired up and we had to run to the board and whoever wrote the right answer first won. It got to be quite competitive, especially when it came down to Anna and Mark. Haha and my quick writing skills make people laugh, as does Joe's writing period. "Ummmm... I see an R there!" Sure you do. Also, Mrs. Campbell has the most ridiculous hand gestures I have ever in my fifteen and a half years witnessed.

Then we had a lovely lesson about the battle of Lexington and Concord.

Mrs. Campbell: Wait--- what did Paul Revere say?
Everyone: "The British are coming."
Mrs. Campbell: Well. Thank you for telling me. I was about to gallop around the room shouting "the Redcoats are coming."

Mrs. Campbell: The Minutemen probably weren't very happy, after being woken up by, you know, horses and the like.

Mrs. Campbell, singing: Somebodyyyyyyyyyyy shot!

Mrs. Campbell: It was like a bar fight. Someone knifed someone and then all of the sudden people who had nothing to do with the knifing were smashing chairs over other people's heads.
Jacob: Um, how would you have any idea what a bar fight is like, anyway?

Anyway. Before class, Jacob had left his hugest school picture (8.5"x11") taped to Mrs. Campbell's computer screen. So she went back to her desk and screamed at the top of her lungs upon seeing it. We just laughed at her, but then we pretended to be concerned for a few minutes. Then we laughed some more. Jacob didn't understand why it was so scary so I was forced to be the decider of whether or not it would have been scary if I had walked back there not knowing it was back there. And it actually probably would have been.

Jacob as the whole room goes silent for once, in an Asian accent: I am Oriental!
Whole Class: Jacob, you're a racist.

Anyway. Mrs. Brown sat in on our theology class today! That was very exciting.

Mrs. Brown: If I look like this when I'm in Heaven, I'm not gonna be happy!

Lunch was pretty funny too.

Pencil Case: [something mildly humorous.]
Alex: [Laughs with everyone else, then adds:] What?

Then Chelsea decided to be Liza Minelli again. Through all of English and French, too. Oh well. In English, we filled in bubbles for the PLAN test interest inventory. Pretty sure I gave just about every single one a "dislike", because I don't have any interest in designing a bird feeder, thankyouverymuch.

French was fun. We talked about donkeys and made pictures on our orange sheets.

And, thank god, it's the weekend and I'm going to have some good times with mes mecs!

"I don't think Jesus would say that."

2005-10-05T16:10:00.000-05:00

Anyway. Right now I am at the lovely Chellie's house. And then we are going to her voice lesson. Yay for missing the bus and Chelsea being there! And for getting paged!

So. I heart my study hall.

Jacob, at the end of prayer: OH MY GOD!!!!!
Mrs. Smith: What what what?
Jacob: I told Mrs. Hall I would do prayer today! Well, actually, I was supposed to do it on Monday but I forgot. Oh my god, Kellie, how mad is she going to be at me?
Me, quoting the conversation between Jacob and Mrs. Hall which occured Monday during history class when Mrs. Hall came to yell at Jacob: "No, Mrs. Hall! I'll do it on Wednesday! I promise! Please don't hate me!"

So Jacob was freaking out and spasming all of study hall. And to the best of our knowledge Mrs. Hall has apparently forgotten about it, too, thankfully.

Anyway. Geo/Trig was pretty fun today. I love those SOHCAHTOA trig functions, seriously. And Erik's notebook.

Erik writes: These are not boobs. They are circles with radii.
Mr. H writes: Excellent point!!

Yes. Then there was history. First, Mrs. Campbell started singing the worksheet song. Well, that was enjoyable. It was kind of like the "You're my dad! And I loooove you!" song from my all-time favorite holiday film Elf. Then we started talking about beating people up, justly.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, beating someone up for no good reason probably isn't a good thing.
Erik: Is there ever a good reason to beat someone up?
Mrs. Campbell: If they hit you first!!
Jacob, fake sternly: I don't think that's what Jesus would say.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, okay. If someone is beating up someone you care about, you should beat them up! If someone beat up one of my children, I'd beat them up!
[Whole class laughs.]
Allison: I can't picture you beating someone up.
Mrs. Campbell: I would, though! I'm scrappy!

Also, Erik had never heard the expression "don't beat a dead horse." I think that phrase is said about eight times a minute by my mother. Just an approximation. Then this very bitter and sarcastic conversation took place during worksheet time:

Mrs. Campbell: What did you do for service day?
Me: I cut paper for three whole hours. With Mrs. Pease.
Mrs. Campbell: That's pretty unfortunate. Three hours? With scissors?
Me: Yes! And part of the time, they were kid's scissors! What did you do?
Mrs. Campbell: I went to Holy Family. My kids got in trouble for yelling "MOM!" at me in the hallway. Then I ate some chicken nuggets in the cafeteria and a bunch of kids asked me to give their older siblings more detentions.
Me: Well, that sounds slightly more exciting.
Mrs. Campbell: Yes. The chicken nuggets were especially thrilling.

Anyway. Then there were yet again pen fights between Erik and me. Which I won by drawing blood. Ohhhh violence. It sure does solve everything.

Let's see. The rest of the day was not so exciting until English. We yet again talked about DEATH VISION. And death. And funerals. And suicide. And loss. What a depressing class. Also, the room smelled horrible and sweaty the whole time. Stupid fifth-hour study hall kids probably stank up the place.

Anyway. I heart French. What a hilarious class. Oooooh megaphone! Enflamed rib cage joint!

Madame: Look, Kellie. Pencil Case gave me a flower.
Me: Oh, that's nice.
Madame: That's what I said. I said, "Oh, that's very sweet, did you find it in the garbage?"

Comp Lit was all Mrs. Pease talking about "old-fashioned Bibles" or something. Then I was supposed to re-type some schtuff for French but I did all the wrong chapter seven exercises for Comp Lit, so I didn't have any time to. Oops. Then I went to talk to Madame and we had a big deep conversation that made me miss my bus but it was quite funny.

Anyway. Chelsea could offer me a ride, but she had a meeting and then voice. So during the meeting, I did my favorite hobby of meandering around the school after-hours. You run into some pretty crazy things. Like Vicky. And Blaney, who wanted to know if I had an A in history this year. Not even a "how are you?" just an "are you getting an A okay good bye!". He is indeed goofy. Then I got paged and we went off to voice lessons. I love Connie especially because she didn't make me sing this time. Also, she had some pretty crazy things to say.

"You can't just go bangity-bang on the keys."

"I know it's very tempting, but you can't just WHAM WHAM WHAM your way through the song."

Also, I love car rides with Chelsea and her mom.

Mary, while Chelsea is singing like Liza Minelli: Call me Mary, Kellie.
Me: Wait-- what am I supposed to call you?
Mary: Well, you could call me Bitch but that wouldn't be very nice.

The car ride was just full of swear words, especially when we spent about ten minutes discussing "bastard" and our many variations of it.

In other news. My grandmother cracks me up and so does her Cold War food-stocked bomb shelter of a basement.

Vater: Why isn't the sensor light on?
Grandma: It's those rabbits. They run back and forth and they wear the light out. I'm not leaving it on until they hibernate!

Vater: Why are there ten bottles of apple juice here?
Grandma: They were a dollar a piece!
Me: Who drinks apple juice?
Grandma: Me, every once in a while.
Me: Oh, ten bottles was definitely practical, then.

My dog has worms.

2005-10-04T15:54:00.000-05:00

First, I should talk about lovely times at Alex's house.

Me: He's a little socially awkward.
[Alex cracks up.]
Me: Do I even want to know why that is funny to you?

Alex: Robin looks like if you averaged the difference between Dakota Fanning and Kate Hudson.
Me: Split the difference?
Alex: Oh whatever.

Anyway. Alex loves bingo with a passion. Don't ever ask her to play it, and if she asks you to play it, just say no. Nancy Reagan would tell you the same thing: Just say no. Also, I am officially amazing at darts. Uncle B-Money would definitely be proud of me.

Ohhh, service day. How joyous can you get. Three hours of putting together literacy kits with Alex and Pencil Case. Which involved a great many hilarious things, such as:

making dirty words with magnetic letters.

Pencil Case getting a blister from his scissors.

watching the movie version of Owen approximately nine thousand times. (Okay, twice.)

being the bad slow group.

So, finally, we were so bad and slow that Mrs. Pease decided she got to be on our team. Um, what? You just knew Pencil Case was going to have way too much fun with that, didn't you.

Pencil Case: We should dress up as Dorothy and Toto for Halloween, Mrs. Pease.
Me: I thought you were being Brooker's twin.
Pencil Case: Oh yeah. That's right!
Alex: Are you going to drive to school on a motorcycle?
Pencil Case: Brooker drives a motorcycle?
Alex and I: Um, yes.
Pencil Case: Oh my god! Mrs. Pease! Did you know that Brooker drives a motorcycle?
Mrs. Pease: Yes.
Pencil Case: Have you ever ridden on it?
Mrs. Pease: No, and I can't say that I would.

Mrs. Pease: Oh God-- I mean, oh gosh. I keep messing up. This is too complicated for me.

Mrs. Pease, out of absolutely nowhere: My dog has worms.

Next Table, a thousand times: Can we have a magnetic "I"?
Pencil Case, before they can even finish asking: NO!!!

Anyway. Then we went off to Mickey D's. I ran down Webster and I was very far ahead of Pencil Case and Alex. Then, as always happens when I walk down Webster, a creepy guy honked at me. And he had the craziest car horn we've ever heard. It was this little ditty of a car horn. It was really funny.

Whilst we were at everyone's favorite dining establishment, it began to rain. Pencil Case wouldn't leave until the rain stopped. Then we had to wait for him to buy a Fruit and Yogurt Parfait. By the time he finally mixed up the whole stupid thing, he declared it curdled and no longer wanted to eat it.

Then we ventured off to Alex's. We decided to play a game. We began to play Trivial Pursuit, but Pencil Case got mad at it for being "so ghetto", so we played Taboo. Except, to make Alex angry, we would always pretend we didn't know the answers to hers.

Alex, trying to explain tricycle: Little kids have these.
Me: Big wheels?
Alex: No, but close!
Me: Bikes with training wheels?
Alex: Not a unicycle but a...
Pencil Case: Bicycle?
Alex: No, not that, but a...
Me: Quadricycle?

Alex, explaining "disease": It's what the D in STD is.
Pencil Case: Um... I don't know what that means.
Alex: Kellie!
Me: Ohhh! Doofus!! Sexually Transmitted Doofus!!
Alex: YOU GUYS SUCK!

Eventually, she was very PO'ed but then it was time for her to go to her doctor appointment and Pencil Case and I to come to my house. We played Mario Kart, which Pencil Case is absolutely dreadful at. He got better, though. First we talked on the phone with Chels to see how her day was, and she told us crazy stories of pulling weeds with Adult Hermione and annoying freshman boys in the rain. While we were on the phone, we thought we heard a bunch of men breaking into the house but it was actually my dad. We were truly freaked out. Then we went on the computer and made Pencil Case a bunch of crazy LiveJournal icons. But then he had to leave for play practice and now my bored self is just sitting online, writing in this thing, talking to Chelsea, and downloading the new Franz Ferdinand CD off iTunes!

Transcendentalism is where the vampires live.

2005-10-03T14:56:00.000-05:00

Oh man. What a day. I am just going to talk about funny things that happened today. There aren't that many. I'm sure there will be some tonight and tomorrow, Service Day is going to kick butt.

Stary: Does anyone know what transcendentalism is?
Alyssa: Oh, that's where the vampires live, right?
Stary: Um... no.

Yes. Alyssa "Flatten" is back (oh freshmen) and that means fun with wrong answers and airplane wings.

Stary: It was pithy... and I'm not talking about a mad guy with a lisp.

I think the people in my comp lit class are just a congregation of the most irritating voices ever. Or maybe I am just in a bad mood. Morgan got busted for sitting around in our class today, which was funny.

Anyway. Flipper is no longer allowed to be present when I talk to my mom on the phone because she laughs at me. It starts with me giving her the wrong number and it all ends with me calling myself "the bitch of the universe" and then I can't look at her because I'll start laughing even though I'm talking about very serious things. Oh, and she would like the whole world to know that she was not being a dead dolphin, she was being a seizuring dolphin. Haha yes. I love history class forever. Where else could Christine and I laugh for ten minutes about a balloon bouquet? And the hallway was a definite source of excitement today as Frank took it upon himself to wave at me.

Haha. Madame is so funny. "I am not mad at you. P.S. Nice handwriting." (Note that all this is hardly legible itself.) And I heart Tiffany and her lunchtime congratulations.

My nose is very sunburnt. And peeling. Yay for sun and fair skin.

Anyway. Exciting day. Um, no. But Pencil Case, Alex, and I are going to have mad fun tomorrow with Pease at Webster. You totally wish you were there.

Dead Dolphins

2005-09-30T14:34:00.000-05:00

Today, all the sophomores in the other Honors English class get to wear "scarlet letters" today. Except for Pencil Case. Anyway, Alex's scarlet letter was S.

Me: What's that for? Slut?

Anyway. The rest of the morning was pretty non-eventful. We had a crazy sub in Geo w/ Trig. I don't know why, but he was just very entertaining. And he told us all the answer to the extra credit weekly challenge problem.

Crazy GWT Sub: It's easy as poop!

Anyway. History was pretty eventful. First of all, no one understands Mrs. Campbell's sarcasm. Like when she told us that we should break into our teachers' desks next hour.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, you know, when a host falls on the ground, you're supposed to eat it. (Me: Nervous face.) Oh my God, Kellie, what did you do? Please don't tell me that you threw it away.
Me: No... I just kind of... left it there.

Mrs. Campbell: Well people break the rules a lot. Like parking.
Jacob: Parking?! Like going and making out in a car?!
Mrs. Campbell: Noooo. And I cannot believe you just said that. That's so 1950s. You know what my mother would always call it? "Necking."

Mrs. Campbell: Why is Youcef always lurking outside my classroom in a big coat?

Mrs. Campbell: My god, sophomores must hate life today. No retreat, no jeans day, no movie day, and you have to wear all those goofy letters and God only knows why.

Suddenly it was time to discuss tuna and dead dolphins. I cannot even tell you what this was being used as an example for. Probably nothing. It was probably just another one of our random topics that had nothing to do with anything.

Barbie: Wait. Are tuna fish?

Mrs. Campbell: Do you guys remember a few years ago when everyone was freaking out because the tuna companies were killing dolphins in their nets, and so they had to be all careful not to kill the dolphins. That's why Starkist tuna has a happy, dancing dolphin on the label. Starkist doesn't have any dead dolphins. [Proceeds to do impressions of dead, drooling dolphins complete with rigor mortis flippers.]

Anyway. We were just out of control with laughter the rest of the class.

Mrs. Campbell: Why isn't anyone listening?
Me: You lost us at the flippers.

By the way, my new nickname for her has been switched from Parkie to Flipper.

Anyway. Theology was, ahem, interesting. We don't need to go there.

During lunch, we had Public Performances for the first time this year. They were really funny.

English was pretty fun even though we had a test, because we got to discuss our journal topic of what is good and bad about being a teenager.

Stary: For some reason, the kids in fourth hour were very interested in what we did when I was a teenager.
Me: Necking!

Stary: I had a big handicap as far as dating went... I watched Star Trek. That put me at a disadvantage. But I did kiss another girl who watched Star Trek.
Me: Oh, she's a catch!

French was pretty fun. Mr. Schultz was our sub since G-Unit still has the pneumonia. We played a very irritating game and then we watched the rest of Zoolander.

Now we are in the lovely class of Comp Lit, waiting with bated breath for it to be the weekend. Morgan joined us for the beginning of class, but then Pease kicked her out.

Pease: Morgan, go away!

Smell My Arm

2005-09-29T14:54:00.000-05:00

This morning, Erik wanted me to go see Mrs. Schmidt with him.

Erik: You need to come in case she actually does want me to please her. Then you need to dash through the halls, shouting, "RAPE IN THE MUSIC ROOM! RAPE IN THE MUSIC ROOM!"

But instead Pencil Case and I went to the Commons and discussed my greatest fear, marine life, and the giant squid.

Anyway. Today was all about tests. And, of course, history class.

Jacob: Why do you hate me so much? Seriously, can you just stop hating me now? Let's start over... I'm Jacob.
Mrs. Campbell: I'm Celine!

We discussed our tests and everyone who had two wrong shouted at Caitlin for having one wrong and breaking the curve. Then we discussed Johnathon Edwards yet again and there were some almost-profanities.

And then there is Mark. What a child, what a child. First of all, I now have to teach him a big word every day. Second of all, he likes to fight with Mrs. Campbell when she is obviously right.

Mark: Well, if I didn't have notes on the Salem Witch Trials, that means we never learned it!
Whole Class: Except for the part where we spent a whole day talking about it and how people just got fed up and blamed their dogs.
Mark: And I really do think the answer to number 24 was Ben Franklin.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, you know what? You don't get to talk anymore, because you were the kid who came back to my desk during the test and told me I never taught the Salem Witch Trials, so I don't wanna hear another word out of you.

Erik: My arm smells like chlorine. Smell my arm.
Me: What?!?! No!
Erik: Why?
Me: You do not just go up to a human being and tell them to smell your arm. Who does that?! Seriously, "Smell my arm," who says that?!

Theology was pretty interesting. We talked about things we want created in the future.

Nick: In the future, I want to have gills.

Joe: I want to have Chewbacca!!

Anyway. I love our English class and so does Stary.

Stary: I like that we go from the poetry of Phillis Wheatley to dirty polka songs.

Anyway. Now Pencil Case and I are hangin' out in Comp Lit and strolling down memory lane.

Redhaired Frosh: I have to go to the bathroom!
Hannah: Are you going to wet yourself?
Mrs. Pease: [gives Hannah a Look]
Hannah: Well, that's the deciding factor!

"Luckily she is not pointing her middle finger."

2005-09-28T14:50:00.000-05:00

Oh man. After school yesterday was quite enjoyable. Mrs. Campbell is an ex-Parkie who knows my entire family, and Mr. Brazeau is a marker-killer. Oh, and Jacob's family has a Celine Dion shrine in their house.

Anyway. I think we need to have a few more tests tomorrow, definitely. But, um, history tests = candy, so that makes me just fine.

I am just going to skip to French. The highlight of forever. I would just like to mention that there is indeed a picture of Celine Dion in our textbook.

Madame: They found Winged Victory's hands... luckily she is not pointing her middle finger.

Whole Class: Madame, you look kind of like that Renoir picture.
Madame: What?
Pencil Case: Well, a distant relative. A first cousin, maybe.
Madame: Yeah, maybe I would look like that if I gained a hundred pounds or so.
Pencil Case: Then could we call you G-Unit?
Madame: ...No.

Erik also got a very humorous note during English from the office. We're not sure which Mrs. Schmidt it is from, but it definitely said, "Could you please me ASAP." Yeah. We're thinking it was supposed to say, "Could you please see me ASAP," but, you know, we needed a laugh.

I ♥ the rain. Le sigh.

Furry Angry People

2005-09-27T14:58:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness. What a day, what a day. It all began in Bio. I have to say, the general stupidity of the members of that class is quite amusing.

Joe: I live where the water smells like eggs.

Mrs. Mayer: In our lab, which things were carbohydrates?
Pat: Spaghetti!
Whole Class: Pat... there wasn't any spaghetti in the lab.

Anyway. During history, I got to be scorekeeper. Jacob was quite agitated, and also late.

Jacob: Well, see, I have 5A Bio, and I just strolled into room 218 and sat innocently in my desk and waited for Mrs. Mayer and the rest of my lovely classmates... and then I was all alone in there for a while, and I realized: Oh my god. It's fourth hour.

What a kid, what a kid. However, that is not as amusing as Joe trying to invent answers.

Joe: Well... um. The Declaration of the Independence affected the social contract because.... uhhhhhh... [long pause] Wait-- what were they called again?
Anna, deeply frustrating, yanking on her hair: OHMYGOD. Joe, if you don't know the answer, don't raise your hand.
Joe: They were the same thing.
Anna: NO! No, they were NOT.

Mrs. Campbell, looking directly at Joe: You guys can't just raise your hand and invent an answer, hoping some random thing you'll say will be right. That's just stupid.
(Joe has no idea we're talking about him.)

Anyway. We did impressions of Baptists, Mark cheated, and my team said they'd fail miserably without me and they did. But I don't care. I get candy anyway!

Theology was pretty entertaining. We talked about fanatical people, i.e., Frater Tim. Haha.

Mr. Brounstein, about Packers fans: I don't understand you guys. You sit out in the cold, freezing your butts off, dressed up as cheese.

That was probably one of the truer things I've heard all day. I love my English class, even sans Chels.

Stary, mocking fat lazy Americans: I want a burger, sillll voussss plate, dammit!

Me: Conjunction junction.
Molly: What's your function!?!!

French was, as usual, completely enjoyable. First we made Madame say crazy words like stork and four, because, after all, she is foreign.

Madame: These two guys were married... not to each other, mind you.

Madame: Who's this guy with the hairy face?
Maggie: Um, that's called a beard.

This comment sparked a large discussion about body hair and the furry man-and-baby picture.

Madame: No, there was this picture that has a hairy man and a hairy baby... (we laugh.) No, seirously. They had fur, like a dog. This was not just the facial hair your moms-- I mean, dads have.

Brianna, on Toulouse-Lautrec: HE HAD SHORT LEGS.

Brianna, laughing really hard: That wasn't funny!

Madame: You got a portrait, right?
Sammi: Yeah... and then I sat on it.

We also passed around Mike's baby picture of him looking totally battered. Which was amusing in a really sad way. He actually fell off the high chair... haha.

Madame: Please do not call me G-Money.
Me: Can we call you G-Unit?
Madame: No... that makes me sound like some kind of tank. Like I weigh 350 pounds or something.

After French, Good Joe told Pencil Case and I a story about giving blood.

Good Joe: The lady finally comes and she's like, "Oh, you have such good big veins!" but then she's, like, digging the needle in me for about ten minutes, and finally she yells, "PAAAM! PAAAAAAM! Can you come help me?!"

"I have a fat, ugly soul."

2005-09-26T16:32:00.000-05:00

What a day, what a day. Mondays suck, but today was pretty enjoyable as far as they go.

Oh man. Green Bay public transportation is super cool times a million. We again had one of our delicious let's-wait-ten-minutes-for-kids-who-were-late sprees.

Me: Why are these people taking so long? Are they cripples?!

It was actually Alex and a bunch of freshmen. We laughed at them.

Jacob, Jacob, what a guy. Seriously. No one tells you this, but history is really just Jacob and I quoting Mean Girls at one another.

Erik: Fetch!
Me: Don't tell me what to do.
Jacob: Oh my god. That's so fetch!
Me: Jacob, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen!!

Then there was more randomness to be had in the lesson.

Mrs. Campbell: Is prissy a bad word? [Pauses, thinks.] No. No, it is not.

Mrs. Campbell: Joe Stalin... yeah. He wasn't such a nice guy, what with that whole killing-of-millions thing.

Um theology is pretty much completely not cool. At all. But what I do love is English... and that my Chelsea was back today!! Oh happiness. Certain people in that class are quite aggravating though.

Jill: There are some really ugly babies out there.

Stary: Everyone has a beautiful soul... except for me. I have a fat, ugly soul.

Stary: Maybe Alyssa can never participate because Allison won't stop talking!

During French, Madame was crazy and didn't use articles and Brianna purred. And somehow (don't ask me how) I got 100 on my project. I am cool.

Madame: Dirty meaning, they have dirt on them.

Chelsea: Wait--- so I get a zero on my project?
Madame: Let me think about that...yes.
[Five minutes later:]
Madame: Chelsea, when are you going to do your project?
Chelsea: Wednesday, maybe.
Madame: It can't be Wednesday maybe. It has to be Wednesday for sure.
Chelsea: Okay. Wednesday for sure.

I love my bus. Pretty sure I just call Caitlin a foreigner and she loves it. And then we make fun of Diana for being uncultured. And then Anna accidentally sticks her feet out the window... yeah. We are pretty crazy.

We missed you.

2005-09-22T08:45:00.000-05:00

Words of Wisdom from Mrs. Smith: "Youcef is being a turd."

French Club meeting today. Pretty exciting. Congratulations to Jacob! And Madame called me Katia several times... that was interesting.

I love looking out the hall in Geo w/Trig. Today in the hall, Youcef got yelled at, Brooker tripped over nothing, and Blumreich made faces at me. You guys are all cool.

Jacob was back today in history! We were all quite excited!

Jacob: I got your e-mail. "We missed you." Which is obviously a lie because I'm sure you didn't miss me.
Mrs. Campbell: I meant that the class missed you. And what was I supposed to do, send you an e-mail saying "I missed you?" That would have been very... um. Inappropriate.

Then Jacob and Mark decided what would be appropriate was eating candy bars in class. As if we weren't going to hear the crinkling of wrappers.
Mrs. Campbell: What are you doing?!
Jacob and Mark: Uhhh. Eating candy.
Mrs. C: You can't just eat candy. First of all, I told you that. Second of all, you guys are right in front of the door and so the administration will walk by and then I will get written up. Again.
Whole Class: Wait--- you got written up?
Mrs. C: On the first day of school! They called me into the office and wrote me up! It was first hour, too.
Me: Oh my god. No one gets away with anything at this school anymore.
Mrs. C: And it's not like there are new rules. They are the same old rules. They just decided to enforce them--- MARK. What are you doing?!
Mark: I'm trying to put my candy bar away.
Mrs. C: Well, what's preventing you?

Mrs. C: "The Native Americans were _____." Appalled, extremely irate, overwhelmingly furious, you can put whatever you want there.
Jacob: Can I put "pissed off?"
Mrs. C: If you really feel that you have to.

Anyway. The rest of class was pretty much on topic except for that discussion about ugly words.
Theology scared me. I don't even want to go there.

We were all pretty crazy during lunch. Alex tells really funny stories.

Alex: So, yeah, apparently that day when we had that rapist guy running around, Mrs. Mellberg was talking to her study hall about it and she starts banging a book on her desk and yells, "IF YOU DON'T BUDDY UP YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED!"

Yes. Pretty sure Alex and I have said that all weekend.

Anyway. English is pretty entertaining. Do we ever accomplish anything in that class? No. Nonono.

Erik: Is crucible an English word? Because for some reason I always thought it was Italian. Like "cru-chee-blay."
Molly: Oh my god. You are such a dork.

During French, we all meanly laughed at the unfortunate facts of Natalie's presentation. Because we are wretched.

Natalie: He turned to art and alcohol... that was all he had. (We laugh.) Well, it's true. All his friends made fun of him for having such short legs. (We laugh again.)

Computer Literacy and Applications, you are very cool. Except not. Yay for Tetris.

After school, Alex and I hung around with random folk and went to Culver's with Steve before her volleyball game. At Culver's, there was a very drunk man sitting on a fence and some children. Oh and Jacob is yet again brilliant.

Alex: Look! A little person!
Me: That's so mean. You aren't supposed to call midgets little people.
Alex: It wasn't a little person... it was a child.

Hello, 6th-Hour Honors Sophomore English!

2005-09-21T08:35:00.000-05:00

So. These are the very important things one learns as French Club secretary at officers' meetings: Geyer eats dog treats.

Geyer: Dog treats are good. I mean, I've eaten them.
Stephanie: You've what?
Geyer: Yeah, I've eaten dog treats. They're not bad. They taste like really thick crunchy graham crackers.
[big silence.]
Everyone: You are so weird.

Let's see. Mrs. Smith is bribing us to donate money. Woo-hoo, Krispy Kremes and bagel party.

Today in Bio, we had some interesting conversations about our Tribond question. And, for Chelsea's sake, I am mentioning that we made Jello.

Mrs. Mayer: Barrel riding, bulldogging, and bull riding, what do these things have in common? Where can you do all these things?
Nick: Mexico.

Geometry was really really fun today. Because it was actually geometry and not algebra. You have no idea how happy this makes me or how much I love geometry. Geometry just makes absolute perfect sense to me. It's ridiculous.

Dan: Was Alpha the name of the robot on Power Rangers?

French 1 class next door, extremely loudly: JE NE SUIS PAS! TU N'ES PAS! IL N'EST PAS! NOUS NE SOMMES PAS! VOUS N'ETES PAS! ILS NE SONT PAS!
Geometry class: [laughter and confusion.]
Alyssa: Oh my god. They're going insane!

I ♥ history. The favorite subject of today was drugs and how Hitler got shot up with amphetamines that he called "vitamins." But the German word for vitamins sounded like Voldemort. Oh, History Channel, I need to watch you more often when I am bored, as I did the day that show was on. I swear it was called High Hitler. It was truly humorous.

Alyssa, who is being ignored: But... I actually had a right answer that time!

Mrs. Campbell: Erik, are you being ridiculous today?

Lunch is craziness from me and Vicky.

Vicky, accusingly: I saw you eating an apple!!

Me: Vicky, why are you carrying a plastic fork in your back pocket?
Vicky: To stab the naughty chidren!

Oh, English. Hi, all you English class folk who now read my blog, thanks to Stary for mentioning it. But, hey. I was not the one in the crazy outfit. And Erik thinks its's funny that I only have one dimple.

Jill: Is that a woman's outfit?

Me: Do you expect people to take you seriously in that?

Stary: If we sent a Harry Potter book back to Salem, Massachusetts, what would they say?
Alyssa: "IT'S A WITCH!"

Pencil Case gave a crazy funny presentation in French today. And there was of course "Smile, It's the Holidays!"

Pencil Case: Sometimes Camille Claudel is marked dead 10 years before she actually died. Because she never got better, so they marked her dead. Which is sad.

Pencil Case: Their stuff was displayed.
Everyone: Stuff?!

Pencil Case: Everyone hated Camille. She wasn't actually healed, the doctor was just tired of her.

Yes. Then there was a fun conversation about nudes and "sex sells" with She of the Dog Biscuits. And Pencil Case and I were again late for Comp Lit.

Cocktail Parties

2005-09-20T14:32:00.000-05:00

Well, today was pretty exciting. The musical for this year was announced. It will be Into the Woods. That sounds like fun.

On the bus, Mike brought up the topic of dreams.

Me: Last night I dreamt that a lime green iguana with red eyes was sleeping next to me on my pillow.
Alex: Iguanas are not lime green. They are camouflage.
Me: Don't fight with my subconscious.

Alex: The other night I dreamt that we went to our new land and went canoeing.
Caitlin and I: On dry land?
Alex: Yeah. We were seriously canoeing over, like, shrubs. And then we saw a black bear. And my dad said, "Look, kids! It's the Great American Eagle Black Bear!"

Let's see. My study hall and my math class are extraordinarily entertained and amazed by my sneezing ability. Thanks. You guys rock.

Tom, walking past Estufa's room: HOLA!

History was entertaining as always. First, Christine and I were talking about really random things.

Christine: I just see you as a cocktail party sort of person.
Me: What? What does that even mean?
Mrs. Campbell: Wait, what sort of a person is Kellie?
Christine: A cocktail party sort of person. Don't you think so?
Mrs. Campbell: Sure, I guess.

Well, you would think this would be the end of the conversation. But no. We had to bring this up for all of class. (And I still have no idea what they are talking about.)

Mrs. C: Do you guys know what hors d'oeuvres are? I mean, I know that Kellie does, because she has cocktail parties all the time.

Alyssa: Well, one of Benjamin Franklin's sayings was "the early bird gets the worm."
Mrs. C: And what does that mean?
Alyssa: Um... be early, don't be late.
Mrs. C, sarcastically: Eat worms.

Mrs. C: It was a big deal. It was like Dave Matthews coming to Alpine.
(Speaking of which, that is what we're listening to right now.)

Steve: Who even eats pickles anyway?
Mrs. C and I, at the same time, very defensively: I LOVE PICKLES.

During theology, we interrogated Tan Pants about what you say to someone when they ask you if they look fat and they do.

Tan Pants: Well, you could say something to make them stop liking the outfit. Like, "You don't have the shoes for that outfit."
Jacqueline: Do you say that to your wife?
Nick: What would you say to your wife?
Tan Pants: I would probably say, "I don't like how you look in that dress."
Other Jaci: And do you sleep on the couch that night?

The rest of the day was pretty boring. My French presentation went well except for a certain miscreant complaining about Oxford commas. And Mike says things in the most bizarre tone of voice.

Oh, and guess what? Comp Lit is still a complete waste of time. "I need to hear typing, not talking!" Okay then.

Sophie's Choice

2005-09-19T18:18:00.000-05:00

So... Jacob is crazy, Alex is an addict, and apparently I am the only student at Notre Dame Academy who knows what Sophie's Choice is. Yes. I love life.

Well, let's see. This weekend was pretty much the most enjoyable thing of my life. I would explain it to you, but you would all just be like, "These kids are on crack. I'm going to turn them in and get fifty bucks." But, honestly, no chemical substances were involved. Just peanut butter M&M's and cheese curds, which Jacob ate all of anyway.

So. I guess I should start with history class, because that is apparently where everything starts. First, Jacob started shouting all our crazy jokes from Saturday across the room and everyone thought we were insane. Then this conversation took place:

Jacob: I can't choose.
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: Yeah, that's definitely like Sophie's Choice.
[Long pause.]
Jacob: Who's Sophie?
Mrs. Campbell and I, at the same time: Jacob! How can you not know about Sophie's Choice?
Rest of the class: Uhhhh. I've never heard of that before in my life.
Jason: Note that only the two smart people in the room have heard of this.
Mrs. Campbell: Seriously, you guys. I can't believe you've never heard of Sophie's Choice. Well, okay. It's a movie. And it was also a book. But, anyway. It's the most depressing movie ever made.
Jacob: What's her big choice?
Mrs. Campbell, for some reason deciding that it is a good idea to basically re-enact Sophie's Choice: Well, it's during the Holocaust, and she and her two kids get seized and they have to go to the concentration camp. And there's a line for the gas chambers and a line to go to the camp, and originally, both the kids are just supposed to go to the chambers. But this guard, like, likes Sophie or something, and so he tells her that she can choose. And so (this is the part where she completely spoils the ending, so if you don't want to know, don't read this:) she picks the boy to live, because he's older and he'll have a better chance of surviving the camp. But Sophie is crying all hard and so she can't see her daughter, which is good, because if she could have been able to, she would never have been able to live with herself, and all she can hear is her daughter screaming, "Mommy! Mommy!"

Okay. So, I know that just sounds extremely depressing and not funny at all. But you had to have seen her doing this. The hand gestures. It was a brilliantly awful rendition of Meryl Streep's performance. She and I were cracking up the whole time. And then Meredith goes, "Why is that funny? It sounds really depressing to me." And then we felt really bad. But we quickly moved to another topic, explaining things to children.

Mrs. Campbell: My daughter, the other day, she just walks into the kitchen and starts asking me all these questions like, "Why does God make hurricanes? Why does He make bad things?" and I told her, "Well, we need to have bad things so that we can appreciate the good things. Because if we didn't have bad things and good things just happened all the time, good things would just be average." And you know what she did? She laughed at me. I said, "Why are you laughing?" and she just goes, "Well, what you said was funny!" and then she just keeps laughing and walks away... I think I might have gone over her head.

Then Mrs. Campbell read us the scary, crazy forwards people send her, and then class was over and we'd, as usual, just talked about crazy things. After class, while waiting for Erik to get going and re-pack his backpack, which he did as slowly as humanly possible, we had a very random conversation about shoes and the Enlightenment. I swear, this woman says the most random things you will ever hear.

Mrs. Campbell: John Locke was such a cool guy. I just love him. I mean, apart from being dead and everything, he's practically my lover.

Lunch was pretty entertaining because Alex is addicted to ice cream and has no self-control. We are going to sign her up for that show on A&E, Intervention. That would actually be really funny. That would be the best episode of that show ever.

English just involved a lot of Erik saying "Molly!" and "Kellie!" over and over again just to get our attention to say stupid things like "Hiiiiii." So Molly and I yelled at him. And then we talked about McDonald's coffee. And Stary made dirty comments.

French was hilarious as usual. We love quizzing Madame on her foreign-ness.

Pencil Case: Do you know who Lamb Chop is?
Madame: A chop made of lamb.

Then we started talking about the 80s yet again.

Madame: Some people are just stuck in the 80s.
Pencil Case: Is Katia (Madame's two-year-old daughter) stuck in the 80s?
Madame: No. Turn around.

And then we got onto the subject of the French Revolution.

Mike: I love the American Revolution. Seriously. We were such bad-asses.

Then this lovely comment was made about syphilis:

Madame: Syphilis eats your brain.

Do you see why I love that class so much?

Me: Now I feel really bad for laughing about Sophie's Choice. I mean, it's definitely not funny.
Pencil Case: No, the Jewish times were not funny.
Me: The Jewish times?
Pencil Case: Jewish times, Holocaust, whatever.

Anyway. I hate Comp Lit. End of story. End of day. Bye.

Do you know what happens at Phish concerts?

2005-09-16T15:48:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness. What a day. It all started during the student government meeting. Mrs. Brown is officially the craziest person I know.

Bondage: We can't do a half-assed job of this--
Mrs. Brown: What was that adjective?!

Angelina: We should adopt a big black family.
Mrs. Brown: Yep! We're definitely not racist up here! Give us a big black family! [Pause.] Actually, I still think the funniest thing is that Wisconsin sent a bunch of buses to the hurricane victims and no one wanted to come here.

Then she was pretending to be Cajun. Yes. We take important issues very seriously at NDA. No, just kidding, we actually do.

Bio involved a very easy test and some highly intelligent conversations about The O.C.

Girl #1: Whatever happened to that baby?
Girl #2: I don't know, but if that girl brings that baby around, Ryan and Marissa will probably break up. Again. That's, like, all they ever do.
Girl #1: Ryan and Marissa always break up. Like when Marissa was a lesbian for, like, two days.
Girl #2: Yeah. Do you think that blonde, like, lesbian will ever come back?

You now get a good idea of the kinds of thing that happen in that class. Especially when JS is not around to make an ass of himself.

History was completely off the subject as usual.

Mrs. Campbell: Do you guys know what an 'E' means in grade school? Like, the grade?
A few kids: Failing, but with effort.
Mrs. C: Oh, great. Nice job on your D.O.L., Eliza.
[She turns around and Jacob is standing right behind her.]
Mrs. C: Jacob, get out of my bubble.
Jacob, making poking gestures at her: POP!

This caused a very long conversation about the awfulness of Daily Oral Language, which wasn't even Oral anyway. I mean, I'm a grammar freak, and even I hated D.O.L. Somehow we got onto the subject of going to the bathroom.

Mrs. C: On Monday I'm going to talk to you guys about not leaving the room all the time. I mean, really, why do you always have to go to the bathroom after taking a test? There is no correlation between bladders and test-taking, trust me.

For about five minutes, the far half of the room was doing their work while the other half of the room continued to discuss going to the bathroom. After five minutes, this fairly humorous comment was made:

Mrs. C: I mean, kids always say, "Well, if you won't let me go to the bathroom, I'll just go right here!" and I just say, "I don't care!"
[The far side of the room is actually listening and cracks up.]
Mrs. C, looking directly at me: What?
Me: What?
Mrs. C: I didn't even think you guys were listening, and all of the sudden that whole half of the room starts laughing at me.
Me: Well, you're still talking about going to the bathroom.
(Everyone cracks up upon realizing that we've discussed bathrooms for such an extended period of time.)

Mrs. C: Hey, Lars, buddy? It's not naptime!

Jessi: I'm not going to be here on Monday.
Mrs. C: Okay, you guys, the Jessi Is Not Here Party will start at 10:30 on Monday!

Then we started talking about "collections". Apparently one of her history classes last year would pass a hat around and have a "collection" and whatever they gave, she got to keep forever, and how one of her other classes this year decided to have a collection again today.

Mrs. C: Yeah, last year I got really stupid stuff, like gum wrappers and smooshed up brownies from people's lunches. It was ridiculous. But this year I got good stuff! I mean, today, I got markers, and an un-eaten pack of gum, and this stress ball!

It was, quite honestly, the coolest stress ball ever. So the rest of class was spent, rather than doing worksheets, playing with the ball. Yes. That class is probably the greatest thing ever. And the most ridiculous, because even though it doesn't sound like we do judging by this blog, we actually learn a lot.

Theology (ugh), we talked about explaining things to small children.

Tan Pants: I mean, last night, I had to tell my daughter, "Don't step on your sister's head."

Tan Pants: When you're explaining something to a kid, you have to say things like, "Killing is bad because it makes people die. How would you feel if your mommy was killed?"

Tan Pants: Does it matter what you eat on a date?
Nick: I'd get a cheeseburger.
Tan Pants: Oh, well, that's very high-class.
Nick: A quarter-pounder, actually.
Tan Pants: That's... nice.

Tan Pants: Can a dress code be bad?
Me: Well, yes, if it forces people to dress completely inappropriately.
Tan Pants: Well, what if people want to dress trashy?
Me: Um... other people might not want to look at them dressed that way.

During lunch, Vicky got a referral from Brooker for wearing backless shoes. Therefore, we did impressions of Brooker, who was definitely staring at my hamstrings for all of lunch to make sure that my shoes had backs, which they did.

Me: Vicky, you are a BAD SEED! How DARE you wear shoes without backs! LOOK AT MY STRIPED TIE!
Vicky: LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!
Me: Aren't the stripes PRETTY?!
Vicky: I WEAR THE SAME TIE EVERY DAY!
Me: Except for when I wear my PINK OXFORD.

So, yes. Vicky has detention. And apparently hell has frozen over. And also, Vicky and I are very very mean.

English was quite exciting. Stary very much enjoys my sarcastic essays. Which is good.

Erik, after trying to touch his tongue to his nose: OW!!!
Me: What?
Erik: That made my brain hurt!

Stary: My dad always said, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

Stary: There were these people who sat next to me at the last Star Wars movie, and they were so stupid. It's like, come on, people, we know that Anakin turns into Darth Vader, we've known this for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. But then the guy was all, "I shall call you Darth---- VADER!" and they both gasped. And I wanted to say, 'No!! Really? I thought it was Darth Fluffy Pink Bunnies!' And then, "She's carrying twins." and the guy next to me goes, "Ohmigod! Luke and Leia!" No! Mary-Kate and Ashley!!

French is so fun. Mike says the craziest things ever.

Mike: I'm dying!

Mike: Look, it's Genius!

Mike: Kellie has big shoes and very little feet.

Pencil Case also made the Pencil Case Frustration Bite Face several times.

Student Teacher: You can have a hundred boys and still use "en."
(Jill laughs.)
Pencil Case: PERVERT!
Student Teacher: We are NOT talking about it like that.

Comp Lit was insane.

Scott: Someone totally pooped on my chair!
Mrs. Pease: Don't be gross!

Scott: Do you know what goes on at Phish concerts?
Mrs. Pease: No, I've never been to one.
Scott, in a dramatic voice: DRUGS!

Mrs. Pease: So what is everyone doing this weekend?
Pencil Case and Emily: Going to a Phish concert.

Oh, Fridays.

Chels Says the Darndest Things

2005-09-15T18:56:00.000-05:00

First of all, I love my bus.

Caitlin, talking about her geometry teacher: Sometimes, if you're answering a question, he looks at you and he smooshes his eyebrows together and squints, so it's like all this pale skin and a big black caterpillar of an eyebrow. It's terrifying.

Steve: You know what grows six inches in one night?
Me: Bamboo.
Caitlin: My lawn!!

Today in history, we got "brain food", meaning Jolly Rancher lollipops with chewy centers, because we're just so gosh darn smart.

Jacob, halfway through the test: HEY! Are these supposed to have chewy centers?
Everyone: Um, yeah.
Jacob: Okay. Good. I was kind of freaking out. I thought that mine was defective.

Anyway. I like that our test mentioned cannibalism in a completely random way. I thought it was rather appropriate.

Lunch was all about falling over in the hallway and random conversation, and the Molly-Kellie Girl Scouts Honor high-five.

Alex: FREE FOOD!

Alex: Vicky, that was a face of total bewilderment.

Alex: How's the sax going for you you?
(Molly and I hear "How's the sex going for you?")
Molly and me: What?!

Vicky: My driver's ed class is so weird. There's this kid, and he always says "MAJOR!"

English class was ridiculous as usual.

Alyssa, on Benjamin Franklin's "hanging" quote: So they all die?!

Stary: He didn't name all the French girls he slept with, like, "Well, there was Mrs. So-and-So."
Me: Mrs.?!?!

French class was obscene. Student Teacher got to teach us. She is so different from Madame. She expects order and control. Which Madame never does, ever. Madame is disorder and un-control.

Maggie: Paul said that dogs say "garf garf" in France.
Madame: They do not say "barf barf."

Mike: I'm trouble.
(Mike goes up to the board, draws a smily face, and writes "Mr. Happy," then sits down.)

Kelsey: I'm a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll.
Me: Kelsey's an Osmond!

(Kelsey starts rocking.)
Madame: Stop rocking!

Student Teacher (three times): Read your sandwiches, please.

I hate comp lit.

But I love talking on the phone with Chels!

Chels: I never knew that she was sarcastic. I always pictured her running through a field of flowers with a crown of roses in her hair, wearing a sundress and giving all the children of the land baskets of fruit!

Chels: There are these pills that make you tall. I'm serious. Go to HeightMax.com. I think you should buy them, Kel.

Chels: Stary is in the paper... he looks like a fruity Van Helsing.

Chels: Probably 'cuz her eyes got infested with... uhhhhh... I dunno. Jell-O.

Chels: I really think that if you took an eye out of the socket, it would be like Jell-O.

Chels: Someday I'm just going to go up to him and be like, "Tell her you love her!" and run away.

Chels: And then he and Helga--- I mean, Julie...

Chels: We can put it in her purse. I mean, people do that with drugs all the time.
Me: No, they don't. They put drugs in drinks.
Chels: Drinks, purses, same thing.

So, there you have it. All I ever do is talk on the phone with Chels. Oooh yeah, Operation Mix Tape.

I have a carrot stuck in my throat.

2005-09-14T14:00:00.000-05:00

What a day. Guess who is the new French Club secretary? Moi! I am elated. So happy.

Today in history, we played Jeopardy for review for our test.

Erik: I am so good at review games. So good. Like, seriously, I always win. I'm so good. No one ever beats me.

Oh, really, Erik? No one ever beats you? Because I think I kind of smoked your ass today, on every single question.

Mrs. Campbell, out of nowhere: I have a carrot stuck in my throat.

Oh. P.S. Mrs. Campbell and I have the same pants and shoes. That was a little scary.

Speaking of clothes... Pencil Case wants me to mention that he has "homosexual shocks." By which he means "socks." They are incredibly gay. I love them. But he is not nearly as gay as his socks. He's not a gay retard silly man. Just a retard silly man.

Today in English, Stary was ridiculous.

Stary: You need to think of the Declaration of Independance as a breakup note. Like, "Dear King George, I think we need to see other countries. Love, Thomas Jefferson."

Then we started talking about how the royal family of every country is pretty much completely inbred.

Stary: That's why Prince Charles has such big ears.

Me: Prince Alexei was a hemophiliac. The Bolsheviks just came in the cellar and were like, bang bang, "Bye, little boy, you weren't very hard to kill!" (Long pause.) Oh God. I am such a morbid person.

Stary: Imagine that Thanksgiving dinner. "If you don't shut up, I'm going to place my troops on the Western Front!"

Then he wrote "wtf?" on the board. Seriously.

Now Pencil Case is reading over my shoulder and we are in French class. Madame is saying crazy things, such as, "You lost me on hello." I'm so glad that she knows all the wrong lines to Jerry Maguire. Anyway. Now we are talking about petty crimes and I don't think Madame, la foreigner, knows what jaywalking is.

But I'm French Club secretary! Ohhhh I'm so happy. But you know what is not happy? That Chelsea and Alex are not here today. Get better soon, you little hotties.

"Um. What was that?"

2005-09-14T08:11:00.000-05:00

Last night, Pencil Case and I held a very pointless French Club event of our own. Meaning that, during Meet-the-Teacher night, since there was no bake sale, we sat in the Commons in our berets with our highly outdated French Club poster and pamphlets, and talked to Brooker and all of two parents. Yeah, lots of advertising going on there. Not.

Well, I got there, and I went up to the French room, also known as "the Sauna", to get the poster, berets, and pamphlets.

Madame, to our student teacher: Now, look at this. Who would not want Kellie as a secretary? Kellie, even if you do not get to be French Club secretary, you will still get to be my personal secretary.
Me, sarcastically: Oh, thanks.

Then Madame was showing us this crazy book-like thing she bought. Basically, it is a bunch of "funny" (her word, everyone else's word has been "creepy") pictures of animals. And they have the eyes cut out, and there are these big plastic googly eyes on the last page of the book, so they all share one set of googly plastic eyes. Quite frankly, it makes me very nervous, but Madame just loves it.

Madame, to Frau: Isn't it cute?
Frau: No, it's not. Not at all. It's creepy, and, quite honestly, I'm going to have uncomfortable dreams about it tonight.

Yes, Frau pretty much hit the nail right over the head with that one. But then it was time to go with Pencil Case to set up in the Commons. Shortly after, Brooker comes up to us and makes what he thinks is a French noise, but is actually just a series of very strange nasally I-don't-even-know-how-to-describe-thems. Pencil Case and I cracked up.

Pencil Case: Um. What was that?
Brooker: I was being French.

Okay then. So, for a good two hours, we sat around and were bored to death. Pencil Case thought he was undergoing cardiac arrest but really probably was just having acid reflux. Then Meet-the-Teacher night was over, so we had to de-set up our lovely poster and pamphlets. It was all, I can assure you, very exciting. In the hallway, Charlie was running around in Frau's red poncho.

Charlie: Wheeeee! Don't I look fahhhhhhhhhhbulous?
Frau: No. You look like a fruitcake.

Then we ran around for a bit and talked to Jacob.

Jacob: Let's go bug Celine.
Pencil Case and me: We should.
Me: Where is she?
Jacob: She's coming through the Commons. But don't look at her, because, you know, she thinks I'm stalking her.
Me: No, Jacob. She doesn't think you're stalking her. Everyone else does.
Jacob: Stalking... that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

So, of course, "Celine" came by and we ended up talking to her anyway, even though Jacob is "mad" at her about the "stalking" thing. He really just wanted her to buy some Seroogy's bars. Which she did not.

Then we went home and my father told Pencil Case and me stories about how he talked to Mrs. Carrots after class about my typing. Gee, thanks, Dad. I'm sure that was really necessary. Anyway, Pencil Case, at this point, still thought he was suffering from cardiac arrest. Which he was not.

This morning has already been pretty exciting. Evil plans, and of course the bus. Apparently my little bus stop hut is a hip place for old-lady smokers. Because, I'm just waiting ever so innocently, and she just comes and smokes a cigarette in there. Uhhh, what? I thought about telling her, "I'm an asthmatic", even though I'm not, just so she'd feel bad about her secondhand-smoking. But no. So then I got to school and had to borrow Bet, the lifesaver's, pretty spray to put in my hair, because I don't feel like I need any questions like, "Why does your hair smell like smoke?"

Oh, don't you just love cold and flu season?

I'm gonna write you a dimension!

2005-09-13T13:49:00.000-05:00

Oh, picture day. Not fun, not fun. And they only took one picture instead of two. That kind of leaves a lot of room for error. Oh well. Did I mention that I got my Fall Fest dress in the mail yesterday? Exciting, exciting.

But no Chels again. That made me so sad. And no Alex at lunch. Seriously, this caused a hollow in the pit of my soul. Two of my partners-in-crime gone amiss? I could hardly handle it. I love them too dearly.

In Geometry, we did logic things. Oh gosh fun stuff.

Mr. H: Well, we have to say "not a boy", because in this day and age, "not a boy" does not necessarily mean "a girl."

History. Oh, worksheets and crazy things that make no sense.

Mrs. Campbell on something she put on our sheet that made absolutely no sense: Well, I'm going to tell you what I was thinking. Because, you know, you care so much.

[Mark throws a paper ball into the trash can perfectly and makes it.]
Mrs. C: That was pretty cool. Actually, I have a story about that. Do you guys remember Mr. Hietpas? Well, once, one of my kids did that and missed and threw it in the hallway accidentally, so Mr. Hietpas comes in and screams at my entire class to not throw things in the hallway, with me right there. It was pretty embarassing.

Theology is simply ridiculous.

Nick: There aren't that many people here who do drugs.
Me: Um. Are you naive?

English = me writing sarcastic essays about Puritans. Always a fun time. But not so much a fun time without the Chels. Le sigh.

Hello, French class. What a class.

Madame: I'm going to write you a dimension.
Everyone: A dimension?
Mike: What are you gonna do, draw a graph or something? A dimension?
Madame: A demerit, a detention, a dimension. Same thing.

Okay then.

Madame: See, Benjamin. You need to work. Kellie can talk because she will get her project done and probably do more projects. You will probably not finish.
Pencil Case: That is favoritism!
Madame: No, it's not. It's the truth!

Oh, and Madame approves of my new career choice. That makes me quite happy. And she will approve of Pencil Case when he "finds himself," too.

Madame: Well, just so you know, teaching is fun, but you don't get paid anything.
Me: Well... I'll just marry rich.
Madame: Yeah, that's what I said. Look what happened! (Crazy evil laugh.)

Comp Lit: Oh my good golly gosh. Apparently Mrs. Pease/Carrots/Night Vision has a problem with the fact that I type quickly and accurately. Seriously. We had to type these two paragraphs from our workbook, which I finished in about two minutes.

Mrs. Pease: Kellie, delete the last paragraph and re-type it with the monitor off.

(I do it without error.)

Mrs. Pease: Kellie, delete the last sentence and type it now.

(Holds a sheet of paper over my hands so I can't look at them. Again, I re-type the last sentence without error.)

Mrs. Pease, running out of things to freak out at me about: Well, it would be better if you didn't cross your legs and kept both your feet on the floor, but okay.

Um. Excuse me. What?! She is obviously jealous of the fact that I am an excellent typist, even with my legs crossed.

Motherboard

2005-09-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

Oh, what a day. It all started with the Bus Ride From Hell. Now, I should have figured that when my bus was actually on time to pick me up, something was going to go wrong. But I thought nothing of it, or the fact that we had a different bus driver.

Well. Our new bus driver is an absolute clown. First, she just stops on Webster in front of the ice cream shop for ten minutes. For no reason. We are just sitting there. Okay then. Then, we wait another ten minutes for a freshman, because the bus driver decides: Oh. I am cool and I will skip her stop and make her walk two blocks. Yes. By this point, both Alex and I were talking about how we, even though we do not have our lisences, could drive a bus better than this. No, but seriously. We could.

Then Alex begins to think that, if the bus is late, the optional sophomore retreat will leave without her. (Which it of course, does not, to ruin all the suspense for you.) But she went on a very rampant freakout about how she did not read The Scarlet Letter because she didn't think she was having class but how they have a quiz (Abigail: "We never had a quiz. Mrs. Mellberg just told stories." That was a comment to ruin more suspense for you.) and so on and so forth. It was quite funny.

Alex: We will probably hit every red light.
Me: Noooo. With our luck, the bridge will be up.

Yes. And apparently Alex and I are psychic, because both these things happened. Yes. So then not only us, but the entire East Side of Green Bay was late for school today. That was fun.

During Bio, there were no people there. So we watched C.S.I. And JS made annoying comments the whole time, so it really wasn't too different from regular Bio class.

Since we had about ten kids in our history class today, we did not have our usual fun of tangental conversations and harassment and Jacob. No, no, we did not. We had assignments and worksheets. But, since this is a Mrs. Campbell class, you just know that even in the three minutes we had typical class, she spelled something wrong.

Mrs. Campbell, writing: Section 2 workshee.
(The whole class laughs at her.)
Mrs. C, talking now: Kellie, what did I spell wrong?
Everyone: Workshee!!
Mrs. C, sarcastically: Oh, don't you kids know anything? Of course it's a workshee.

Theology was actually kind of fun today. More talk of the Notre Dame Academy social hierarchy, which I still don't think is a really appropriate topic, but it's Tan Pants's class, not mine. I mean, what do I know about things that are apparently theological but really just mean? Nothing. Because I am just mean period. Okay then. Although Maggie and I pretty much run that class. Oh well.

English... we were actually on topic most of today. And Stary called me Katie? Uhhh okay. But that was still not as bad as our student teacher in Mr. Blaney's class who called me "Julie" all the time. And Erik just writes random things on the front of my notebook in Chinese. Okay cool.

French is my life. Who am I kidding. I still love that class, even though I have to do some horrible presentation on the Impressionist Revolution.

Madame: We will pick out of hat.

Yay for articles!

Me, looking at Eurotrip pictures: Um. Madame. Why is there a picture of you and a furry pink bunny statue?
Madame: Because that is the only good thing about Switzerland. Seriously.

Madame, looking at my pictures from Paris: Kellie, you look very drunk in this picture.
Me: I was being drunk Edith Piaf. Obviously.
Madame: Well, anyway. I almost bought that scarf.
Me: The plaid one?
Madame: Yes.
Me: Where did you almost buy it?
Madame: On the way up to Monmartre.
Me: That's where I bought it.
Madame: It would be very creepy if we had the same scarf.
Me: Especially if we wore it on the same day. Without planning it.

Yes. A scary thought. Just kidding. Anyway. Then we got out of the "sauna" (room 203) and went to the computer lab, which is always fun. Although this time, Madame did not think I was 100%-from-the-Ukraine, which was sad. I did "research", meaning Madame made me type things and went on her favorite lecture as of late, Why I Am Going to Miss You So Much When You Go To College I Just Don't Know What I Will Do With Myself [Because I Will Have To Learn How To Spell And Use Commas For Myself, which she never said, I just added it myself.] I love that lecture. It makes me feel so loved. But then I just have to say, "Madame. That's in three years. You need to, ahem, simmer down."

Yes. Then it was time for Stranger Danger lecture from D.R. That was pretty fun. Then we got it again from Madame. The Russian version? Ten times funnier. As everything is.

Comp Lit... um... Mrs. Pease sang. Scary things. All you ever need to know. Then she kidnapped Scott's cell phone. What a class, because apparently "class" and "waste of time and money" are the same thing. What is the point of Comp Lit for people who have grown up with computers, who do not know what it's like not to own one? I mean, I can see old people taking that class, but not us. We know how to use MS Word, thanks.

What's this I hear of an H&M opening in Brookfield Square? Is that my heart I hear singing?!

"Uhhhh... can I take this one?"

2005-09-10T12:11:00.000-05:00

"Everyone thinks Virginia was named for Queen Virginia. It was not. There never even was a Queen Virginia. It was named for Queen Elizabeth."
"Why?"
"Because she was a virgin."
"That's not what I heard!"

(I just remembered that. It made me laugh.)

Let's see. Yesterday. Pretty much the most boring day of forever. And also quite sad, because I had to miss history class for the orthodontist. You have no idea how sad that made me. But, oh well. There will be more history classes.

English, we talked about the Puritans again. Stary told us that we were definitely going to have to change the subject soon, because he had this professor in college who spent a whole quarter of American Literature talking about the Puritans. Yes. And apparently you can sing all Emily Dickinson poems to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas" or "Amazing Grace." That's always good to know.

French was kind of crazier than usual. Well, not exactly. Nothing was really accomplished. Madame just kind of went insane and stole a bunch of my pictures, which she claims she is going to put in her scrapbook. Okay then.

Me: This seems to be a picture of a statue in a playground. Except that the statue looks like a man raping a bear, which is a little disconcerting.
Madame: He is not raping the bear.
Pencil Case: Madame said "raping!"
Me: What, are they dancing, then?

Then we watched more Zoolander, including the Freak Gasoline Fight Accident scene. Oh what a humorous movie.

By the end of the day, I was simply exhausted. I probably should have gone home, but instead I stayed to set up the dance. That was pretty fun, except for that bitch of a tiki hut and that bitch of a Jeep. Those need caution tape around them, because you just know that some freshman will touch them and then all our hard work will be for naught.

"I left my pans under my desk!"
"She just said that she left her pants under her desk."
"Did you just say that you left your pants under your desk?"
"No. My pans."
"Oh. That's not funny. It was funnier when she said it."

Then I accidentally flung the tape across the room while holding onto the end of it, which caused it to bunch up into a large confusing mess. That was interesting. As was Alex's psychotic TB coughing. And Alex and Pencil Case's tape fights.

Jessi: Where is my flying antelope?!

And oh, Charles, also known as Charlie. What an insane little boy.

The football game was fun. Well, not really. I was still exhausted, and I was past the point of exhausted to "bitchy and just wanting to go to bed but not actually wanting to go home." It's an interesting mood, you should try it sometime. It makes me sad that all my friends are band geeks. Because then we don't see them until, like, the fourth quarter. It is obscene and it makes me sad. Bet and I are going to restart American Bandstand, because we are probably two of a few American teenagers who actually know what it is. And my mom is crazy. Anyway, long story short, we won.

Well, I'm having an obsessive-compulsive need to organize my iTunes. I'll talk to you all later. Congratulations to everyone who made Swing Choir!

"They were overachievers in the salvation department." -Stary

2005-09-08T18:49:00.000-05:00

Let's see. Today involved another assembly. This time for church. Needless to say, it was much more boring than last time, because it did not involve Blumreich jumping around and saying crazy stuff like, "16 kids?! I wonder if they're Catholic!" So. Yeah. I'm going to be a bad Catholic and say it: mass is boring.

But you know what is not boring? History. I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again: Mrs. Campbell is my hero. Hands down.

(Jacob walks up to her and does yesterday's obscene hand gesture incorrectly.)
Mrs. C: No. Jacob, you did that wrong. You need to hit your fists twice.
Erik: What is that even from? Did you make it up!
Alyssa and I: It's from Friends!
Mrs. C: Yes, it is. I would always do it as a joke, or just whenever I got mad at people. But when my daughter was about five, she would start to do it to me when she was mad at me! She would just be like, "Mom! I'm mad at you!" [Does the obscene hand gesture.]

Yesssss. We talked about Henry the Eighth for a while and sang the infamous Henry the Eighth song. Did Anne Boleyn have six fingers or six toes? I think it was fingers. And for a while, we were on topic. Alyssa tried to get us back onto cannibalism.

Mrs. C: Why did the Puritans move?
Alyssa: So they could kill their wives and eat them!

(During an awkward pause of note-taking, Mrs. Campbell and I both laugh for no apparent reason.)
Mrs. C: Why are you laughing at me?! Did I spell something wrong?
Me: No! Why are you laughing at me?
Mrs. C: Well, whenever you give me that look, it makes me all nervous that I've spelled something wrong.

You know what word I did not know how to spell but she did, amazingly enough? Plymouth. I honestly had not a clue how to spell that one. For a while we just asked crazy questions and talked about how Brooker thinks Jacob is a stalker. This made Jacob angry, so he ripped up his picture of Celine Dion that was on the picture board.

Erin, not listening: Wait-- who's gay?!
Mrs. C: Elton John.
Jacob: Elton John is Celine Dion's best friend!!
Mrs. C: How can they be best friends if she apparently can't talk to him?!

Then we talked about the influence of shrooms in the Salem Witch Trials. Sorry, not shrooms. "Hallucinogenic mushrooms." Because those are different from shrooms how? Okay then. Suddenly the topic changed from the problems for people who did not own land to how all our presidents were old white men.

Mrs. C: Yeah, I used to have pictures of all the presidents hanging up all along the room. But I took them down. They were just getting kind of old... okay, actually, they had these creepy little beady eyes that would follow you around the room. They were freaky, and so that's most of the reason why they're gone.

Abigail and I talked about people who give their children stupid names at lunch. Oh, and Vicky needed "a tool that's long and hard" to open Abigail's broken locker. Yeah. And that wasn't a double-entendre at all.

English was more pilgrim talk as usual. Stary makes me laugh, although certain people in that class are extremely aggravating.

Random Kid, about Puritan beliefs: That's not really fair.
Stary: That's why I'm not a Puritan.

Stary: They were a little paranoid. It would be like, "I saw Lars with the Devil!! He's a witch!

Stary: They were overachievers in the salvation department.

Stary, on the Anne Bradstreet poem about the house burning down: Well, of course the house burned down. They were burning frickin' oil lamps and candles!

Geyer was full of crazy noises today in French. "Brrrrrrrrr!" with crazy head shake. "Ee-rrr-eee-rrr" with crazy marker gesture. It was ridiculous. But amusing.

Oh, PS. Go re-vote for me for French Club secretary! Because French Club is way too cool to be able to count properly and not vote twice! Yeah! Go us! Go vote! But only if you're voting for me... just kidding. (Kind of.)

Pilgrims are Fun!

2005-09-07T16:34:00.000-05:00

What an amusing day. Seriously, today was so amusing that even our assembly was amusing. That is probably because the assembly was pretty much run by everyone's favorite crazy person, Blumreich, who talked about crazy things like math and how he is going to dress up as a unicorn and how Squattiest Piece of Protoplaysm Ever plays DDR. Uh. Yes. Crazy man. Then, to up the crazy quotient, who appeared but Geyer? And she used the foreign excuse. If you don't love the "foreign" excuse, you just suck. And Pencil Case then got to be onstage too! Can you believe that all that craziness at once is legal? I can't.

Speaking of crazy. Let's talk about my personal favorite class ever, history. How easy is it to get Mrs. Campbell talking on a complete tangent? Very. How amusing is it? Completely.

Jacob: Did you know that Celine Dion doesn't talk the day before her shows to anyone? Not to anyone. Not even to her child.
Mrs. C: I feel bad for her child.
Anna: I feel bad for Jacob.
Jacob: No, don't feel bad for her child! They have a sign language!
Mrs. C: Like what? Like, [makes the ridiculous obscene hand gesture of pounding your fists against each other], "Thanks for not talking to me!"

Mrs. C: Some of them got so hungry that they would even murder their wives and eat them. Which is very, um. Yucky.
Jacob: Oh, come on. It's not that gross.
Mrs. C: Yes, it is, Jacob. You don't just murder your wife, spice her up like a piece of turkey, and eat her.

This was followed by a seven-minute discussion about cannibalism and that soccer/rugby team that crashed in the mountains and had to eat their best friend. We couldn't remember if it was a soccer or a rugby team, or how many people they had to eat, or what the name of that movie about that (the one with Ethan Hawke) was called. This was followed by a demonstration of how they ate the person in that movie, courtesy of Mrs. Campbell, which was, of course, lovely. Finally we remembered that we were actually supposed to be talking about Jamestown. So we talked about tobacco.

Mrs. C: You know, you'd go buy some ceramic thing, and you'd pay with tobacco. That was what they used for money. It would be like, 'Hey, I'll give you three tobacco leaves for that...' [Stops midsentence.]
Whole Class: For that what?
Mrs. C: Well. I was going to say, 'I'll give you three tobacco leaves for that pot', but I'm sure that wouldn't have sounded very appropriate to any passers-by.

However, we quickly got back off-topic when we started talking about illegal drugs and how certain drugs are illegal under certain circumstances.

Erin, sarcastically, after someone randomly mentions morphine: Oh, I better get that outta my locker!
Mrs. C: Yeah. Get it out before the dogs come.

Somehow, we managed to stay on topic for about two minutes after that.

Mrs. C: It isn't John Smith's fault that his people decided to raid the Native American villages while he was away. He really had nothing to do with that.

But then Charlie Brown and Snoopy came into play for no apparent reason.

Mrs. C: Tomorrow we're going to talk about pilgrims. Because pilgrims are fun!
Mark: Will you let us watch that movie where Charlie Brown and Snoopy are pilgrims?
Mrs. C: Yeah. (Long pause.) If I was your kindergarten teacher.

Suddenly the topic-- imagine this-- changed to spelling.

Mrs. C: I think Kellie is the master speller of the class. I mean, whenever I don't know how to spell something, which is a lot, I ask and she just knows it. Right away. She's just like, [strange hand gesture that looks like something that would demonstrate vomiting.]
Me: Yeah. That's me. I just puke up spellings.

Theology was the same thing it has been every day since the second day of school. I really am getting tired of talking in circles about the same two topics with random sexual comments dispersed between the two. And we handed in our half-page essays about "society's view of Original Sin." Not even joking. Can you tell me something about society's view of Original Sin? Yeah, didn't think so. And, also, would you trust a bunch of fifteen-year-olds to speak on behalf of all of society? What kind of a person does that?

We talked about pilgrims again in English, and Puritans, which I guess are one in the same, but not exactly. I mean, all pilgrims are Puritans but not all Puritans are pilgrims. Got that? But apparently I am the only person who finds it quite ironic that the pilgrims left England for "religious freedom" and went to practice one of the most repressive religions ever. And then it started thunderstorming. Which it is still doing. I love thunderstorms.

Everyone was in a very crazy mood in French. Especially Geyer. But that is to be expected.

Madame: Did I really say that? Wow. That's really funny. I'm so funny. I'm just a funny person. (This is about the ninety bazillionth time she has said this.)

Madame: Well, yes. Drop would have a direct or indirect object. Because I can drop someone. Like Pencil Case.

Well, Swing Choir tryouts tonight! Wish me luck!

Trapped in the Subway with a Bag of Laundry

2005-09-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

Okay. Really boring day. Completely boring. And I'm so nervous for Swing Choir tryouts. But, at the same time, I'm also very calm about them. I know that I'm not going to get in, so it's not as if I'm going to be disappointed.

Let's see. I'm skipping over the boring parts of the day. Why do I have, like, seventy open-notebook quizzes tomorrow? Okay. Two. But still. I had no open-notebook quizzes last year. This is getting kind of obscene.

Lunch was exciting. "Hey, sweetheart." Uhhhh yeah.

Oh, French. I adore Geyer because she says ridiculous things, does funny accents when we tell her to, yells at us constantly, and tells us the most deranged stories in the world.

"So. Yeah. Then I was riding the subway, with a bag of laundry and a bunch of homeless people who were staring at me, at midnight."
"Laundry?"
"Yeah, I went out to my friends' house in the suburbs. I brought my laundry. It was cheaper than going to the laundromat."
"You scammer!"
"I know. And then my ride wasn't there to pick me up, so I had to wander the streets of Manhattan, at midnight, with a big bag of laundry, trying to get to my dorm."
"And you were foreign."
"AND I WAS A FOREIGNER! That, too."

Yes. That Madame. Romping all over the streets of New York City late at night with laundry bags.

Um. Let's see. Buses are ridiculous. So then we romped around after school. That was pretty crazy. We talked to my hero Momma G. "Oh my gosh! You thought that too! So it's not just me. I've always wondered that! Seriously! And that was really funny. In a completely inappropriate way." Funniest woman ever. Then Pencil Case made up some story about handicapped people ganging up on this guy on a plow because he parked in a handicapped spot. Yeah. I don't know either.

So. I'm off to "study" for my "biology" "test."

Happy Birthday Mom! ♥

2005-09-06T08:19:00.000-05:00

Well. Today my beloved mother is officially "of a certain age." But you'd never know it by looking at her. Anyway. Happy birthday to my favorite partner-in-crime ("crime" meaning "making fun of people.")

So. An exciting weekend. A long weekend, which is also very nice. Um. Let's see. I'm Kurt Cobain. My dog isn't photogenic. Chelsea is Osama. Pencil Case has a crazy dog that isn't fun to pet. We heart B&N. This kid in our yearbook looks exactly like Nosferatu. Pencil Case is going to re-invent Twin Day for his own purposes and amusement. It will even involve hair dye. And we are going to make crazy locker signs and put them all over the school.

I think our school needs to work on getting a moderate temperature. Because it is either freezing cold or boiling warm. This isn't working very well, now, is it?

Ou est Iron Lung? Iron Lung est la, j'espire. Mais je ne la vois pas. Ah non. (Where is Alex? Alex is here, I hope. But I do not see her. Oh no.)

Today I saw a picture of a sea lamprey in the newspaper. How terrifying. If I ever see one of those in real life, I will probably vomit. They are disgusting. And apparently they are getting into all of our lakes. Joyous. Downright joyous. Kind of like today.

Improper Hosiery

2005-09-02T17:11:00.000-05:00

Mr. Brooker, if you are reading this: Ha ha ha. I wore improper hosiery today. Oh, who am I kidding, I wasn't wearing hosiery at all!

Anyway. Today started out very badly. But I finally figured out my bus, and I love my bus. We just do really bad impressions of people. And Barry and I talk about Batman.

"Estufa's like, 'You kids need to stop looking out the door and you need to start focusing on your Espanol! You kids need pills!'" -Diana

"I really wish I could do impressions of Tan Pants. That would be such a great person to do impressions of. Like, 'I love crying. I think crying is awesome.'" -Barry

Barry, to Caitlin, whispering: Did we have German homework?
Diana: What, is German a secret now?!

We're now one of those horrid bribery schools that'll give you $50 to turn someone in. I don't know how I feel about that. It makes me feel like my infinite wisdoms come with a price tag or something. (That was a joke.) And we have drug-sniffing dogs, which I just find hilarious. We're going to have a whole kennel running amok in the school.

Anyway. Chloe and I were lab parters for Bio. That was pretty fun. "Oooh. Look. Little beady specks. And they're swimming!"

During Geometry, we talked about Mr. Hill's tattoo. Yeah. Because that's not terrifying at all. A stupid question from Erik, to me: "You have a dad?!"

I don't think there are words to describe exactly how much I love history class. Mrs. Campbell is pretty much my hero. And, yes, I am the best time-guesser ever. (Probably not, though.)

"I have a diagram for you guys."
"Did you draw it?"
"No."
"Celine would have drawn it."
"Well, more evidence that I'm not Celine, because I actually photocopied it from another textbook and probably broke a bunch of copyright laws in the process."
"I'm going to turn you in and make $50!"

"As you can see, it's pretty much your average Thanksgiving dinner."
"With pineapples?"
"Well, okay, except for the pineapples."

"See these scissors? That's from the last kid who mouthed off at me."
"Really?"
"No. Some kid was trying to break into my top desk drawer for gum and he never noticed that if he opened the middle drawer, the top drawer would open."
"Do you leave valuables in your desk?"
"Yeah. I'm really going to leave valuables in my desk with 800 juvenile delinquents running around."

I don't remember anything about theology. We probably talked about sex or something.

Lunch just makes me laugh. Vicky is my other hero. She is insane. I am seriously going to cry when she is not in our lunch next semester.

"Spirit fingers!"
"Oh my gosh. Spinger fingers-- I mean, spirit fingers."
[Vicky and I crack up.]
"I like that you laugh at your own jokes, Kel."

"Is there something we need to talk about here?"

Oh, English. I missed Chels very badly in this class. Who was there to attack me and whisper psychotic things for all of class? Nobody. That made my heart sad.

Oh, French. Madame just makes me laugh. And so does Maggie. And we watched Zoolander! Freak gasoline fight accidents! "But there's that one scene... we have to skip that one." [Maggie laughs maniacally.]

Pep rally. Go pep band. I love my band geek friends. And that Maggie and I definitely knew and sang all the words to that song. Because we're just that cool.

Comp Lit was absolutely horrible without Pencil Case. It was simply unbearable.

Football game tonight! Yay!

A Shameless Plea

2005-09-01T16:02:00.000-05:00

Please, please, please come to the French Club meeting next Thursday at 7:30 and vote for me for secretary. Please. I will buy you something. You will win my affections. I don't care if you take French or not, just come and vote for me and eat some donuts. It will be fun. I promise that I'm an excellent person for the job, what with my somewhat psychotic note-taking and list-making skills.

So. Anyway. Today was exciting. We talked about the pox in history class. I love that we spend about 80% of that class off the topic and still learn about a million things.

"P-O-X-S. No, wait. That really doesn't look right."

"What's the mumps? I don't even know what mumps are."
"It's that thing you always see on cartoons when they have that scarf on their head."
"Oh, that's right."

"You know, it's really kind of funny... well, maybe I'm just morbid. But I think it's kind of funny that apparently the terrorists are going to come on the subway with smallpox in a bottle and spray it at us and how we're all out of vaccination and how they're going to do all that biochemicalterrorism with it."
"Why are they called smallpox?"
"Because they're small. Actually... no. They're kind of big. They're bigger than chicken pox."
"OH MY GOD CHICKEN POX!"
"Why are they called chicken pox?"
"Um. Because they make your skin look like chicken."
"Really?"
"No. But I remember having the chicken pox! I remember that my mom seriously rubbed my brother against me when I had them so that he'd get them, too, because it would have taken, like, a year to go through our household. And we'd all line up every night to get that horrible pink lotion."
"Chicken pox are the best."
"Yeah, my kids never got the chicken pox though."
"What?!"
"They didn't. They got vaccinated. I didn't think it was necessary, but the doctor said, 'NO! THEY HAVE TO!' because apparently-- I never knew this-- chicken pox are deadly."
"YOUR CHILDREN NEVER HAD THE CHICKEN POX?!"
"No."
"THAT'S SUCH A PART OF CHILDHOOD, THOUGH. YOUR CHILDREN WERE NEVER CHILDREN!"
"Jacob. Shhhh. Wouldn't it be kind of funny if the terrorists, a long time from now, sprayed chicken pox at people on the subways?"

Yes. English is also mostly spent off the topic, too.

Me: That would be the crappiest Choose Your Own Adventure Book ever.

Molly: Do you remember those Animorphs books?!?!?!

French is such a non-class it's not even funny.

Chelsea: If you cheat, you die.
Madame: No, you don't. You just burn in hell forever.

And Comp Lit was just Pencil Case and I laughing at that stupid video.

Me: The lady in the video is an illegal immigrant.
Pencil Case: From Mexico... oh, wait. She's Chinese.

[Little men in white jumpsuits with math symbols on their shirts are demonstrating what happens inside a computer.]
Me, sarcastically: It really looks like that, too.
Pencil Case, in seriousness: Really? It does?

Pencil Case: Compy Tahhhhhtsie.
Me: Tahhhhhtsie? Are you from Boston?
Pencil Case Um. Yes.

Unicorns, Fairy Dust, and Celine Dion.

2005-08-31T19:31:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness gracious. Well, the big exciting news is that we got our yearbooks today. There are a lot of unfortunate pictures of me in it, so if you got yours, just kindly ignore those. However, they're still not as unfortunate as Momma G's picture. There is never a time when that picture will not be funny.

[Pencil Case opens his yearbook during Comp Lit.]
Pencil Case: (a good two and a half minutes of high-pitched giggling)
[Pencil Case looks at the picture again after the giggling ceases.]
Pencil Case: (a good minute more of the same giggling.)

Chelsea: I love Momma G, but that picture makes her look like she has... special needs.

Momma G: MY PICTURE IS HORRIBLE. I look like a big loser dork! I look like I require special ed!

Yes. It is a hilarious picture. But not quite as hilarious as history class. First of all, we finally got our seating chart. Jacob wanted to sit in the front row, and was genuinely convinced, for some reason, that his desk was there. But, no, it was up against the wall, back in the corner. This did not please him.

"I'm going to throw a fit!"

"I can't sit here... I'm getting claustrophobic!" [Jacob whips out his inhaler.]
"I don't know if I should shut you up or just let you suffer."

"The wall is a good place, Jacob. You can rest your head against it."
"It'll make my shoulder hurt!"
"Well, you can always hit it until Mr. Schultz comes and yells at me."

Anyway. The lesson was quite hilarious, too.

"Imagine if, let's say, Canada took us over."

"Wait-- were those the guys who had shrunken heads?"
"No, that was somebody else."

"Native Americans don't celebrate Columbus Day quite the way we do."

"And the Pope decided. Yeah, because the Pope knows so much about navigation."

"Sometimes I say really disgusting things and I have absolutely no idea where they come from."

Then, about halfway through class, Jacob decided he was going to introduce Celine Dion, probably as revenge for his new seat.

Jacob: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Celine Dion?
Mrs. Campbell: Don't say that, Jacob! I hate Celine Dion! And my husband thinks she's the ugliest woman in the world.
Me: She is pretty ugly. She looks like a boiled owl.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, especially when she had that short hair.
Erik: Kellie, what kind of a sick person would boil an owl?!
Jacob: Why do you hate Celine Dion so much?
Mrs. Campbell: She has a nice voice, I just cannot watch her sing. She does all these... arm motions. It drives me crazy. And then she has that creepy old husband, who she's known since she was twelve or fourteen or something. Why would you marry someone that much older than you, who you've known since you were twelve? That's creepy.

So Celine Dion came up pretty much the whole class period. "Hey! Can we get a tape of Celine Dion singing songs about the New World?!" Oh, Jacob.

For a while, we talked about Spain and Portugal and how Mrs. Pease spoke Spanish to a Portugese person. "Well, maybe she just got over-excited about knowing a little bit of Spanish." "That doesn't change that she spoke Spanish to a Portugese person!"

Then it was off to theology. I was expecting some boring sex talk as usual. But, no. We got to work in groups and talk about the creation story. My group was Maggie and Alyssa, so, as you can imagine, we pretty much just laughed and talked about random things the whole time. Like unicorns. And oil trees. And now Tan Pants is concerned for our future children. Well, that just made us laugh harder.

We got our yearbooks at lunch! Oh, exciting. And Chelsea called our theology book, which is called Sex and the Teenager "Sex with the Teenager."

Me: Chelsea, that sounds like a statutory rape book.

Then it was time for English. Today we talked about creation, and Alyssa yelled out, "UNICORNS!", which caused her and I to laugh for a long period of time with people looking at us strangely. Oh, well. Then we talked about Scientologists and dinosaurs for a bit.

Stary: Yeah, so, maybe Tyrannosaurus Rex was actually a scavenger.
Chelsea, quietly: Maybe he sprinkled fairy dust on all the fields!

Stary: Do you guys learn scripture in theology?
Chelsea: No! We learn about sex!
Stary: [frightened face.]

This made me laugh quite hard, so then I kidnapped Chelsea's shoe, since she wouldn't stop touching my hair. And then we just talked crazy talk for a while. "Mr. Stary! You're stepping on Creation!!"

Erik: I love that I'm holding a flower in this picture. Yeah. Because that's not gay at all.

French just makes me laugh. Today we talked about Madame's daughter, Katia.

Chels: Is Katia cute?
Madame: No.
[Gasps.]
Madame: Of course she's cute, what am I supposed to say?!

So then it occured to me that I actually didn't need my sheet signed. So that ride to school was just a waste of time for my mom. Oh gosh.

Comp Lit was just more Pencil Case and I laughing about nothing. Also, we still haven't used computers. And Mrs. Pease addresses us by shirt colors and last names. And Pencil Case makes drawings all over my notebook, such as "Estufa as a Sea Monkey." Oh, well, at least they aren't masterpieces all over my arms again.

This is your last reminder to at least listen to the new Death Cab for Cutie CD. Do it for me.

Freddie Mercury

2005-08-30T19:53:00.000-05:00

Oh, my gosh. School is so entertaining. Or should I say, my friends are so entertaining.

What is not so entertaining is that I was late for school today because it turns out my bus doesn't come to the stop the bus service told me to go to, because the main street of Allouez is all torn up. So now I have no idea where I'm supposed to catch my bus in the morning. Oh, well. It shortened study hall up a bit, what can I say?

Bio and Geometry were pretty much the same. History was fun as usual. I rocked the vocab with "bureaucracy." Oh ho ho. And Erik makes me laugh. "That's spelled with a K! I'm named after him." "Erik. No. It's not." He was still on that kick in English, too. Oh boy.

Theology was fun because Barbie, despite living in Wisconsin, had no idea that deer meat was edible.

Tan Pants: You can, you know, do Hunt for the Hungry or whatever.
Barbie: How's a dead deer gonna help a hungry person?!
Random Person: Food! Duh!
(Long pause.)
Barbie: Wait--- you can eat deer?!

Okay then. Lunch is the highlight of my life. I love it to pieces. Well, I love today's lunch conversations to pieces.

Maggie: I feel gross, because I'm not wearing any makeup.
Vicky: I'm not wearing any either! I'm just naturally beautiful!
Me: I wear a little!
Vicky, touching my face for no reason: No, you don't--- wait. I can tell that you're wearing blush!
Me: No...
Vicky, now patting my face and talking in this crazy grandma voice: Oh! That's so cute, that's just your natural face! Awww!

Oh Vicky. Then Chelsea wanted to tell Mr. Brooker that he is Freddie Mercury, or at least she thinks so. You can imagine how amusing this was, but I will tell you what happened anyway. I was there for moral support, and Alex was there to laugh at our expense, which is funny, because it's usually the other way around.

Chels: Mr. Brooker, has anybody ever told you that if you had a mustache, you would look like Freddie Mercury?
Mr. Brooker: What?
Chels: You know, the lead singer of Queen.
Mr. Brooker: I know who he is, but... I don't want to look like Freddie Mercury! He's dead! (We laugh.) And very gay!
(An awkward, what-in-hell?-our-associate-principal-just-said-"gay" pause.)
Mr. Brooker I think you should go tell Mrs. Campbell that. She's at the front desk. I'm sure she'll think it's very funny.
(So we vamanos out to the front desk.)
Me: Hi! Mr. Brooker sent us out here to tell you that Chelsea thinks he looks like Freddie Mercury.
Mrs. Campbell, laughing very hard: Oh my god, that's hilarious. That's so great. I always tell him that he looks like that cat from Alice in Wonderland. What's it called?
Alex: The Cheshire Cat!
Me: Oh my gosh, he does look like the Cheshire Cat! That's perfect.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, he thinks he looks like Ben Affleck or somebody, though.

Yes. Pretty much the most enjoyable lunch conversations of forever. You so wish you were a part of them.

English was also pretty amusing. We talked about Erik's hypochondriac dog, alligator on a stick, and "downright joyous." That class is going to be way too much fun. Oh, and Molly had a laughing fit because of this conversation:
Me: KR always stares at me during Geometry.
Erik: Kellie, he sits in front of you.
Me: Well, he could at least pretend to blink sometimes!
[Molly cracks up.]

Review time in French class. Which was actually fun. According to Madame, I have adopted Pencil Case.

Madame: You've adopted Pencil Case!
Me: Um. No. I never signed that paper. I never made that decision.
Madame: Oh, I must have made that decision for you. Don't make that face, somebody has to.
Me: Some adoption service you are.

After class we had a good laugh about "tan pants", which she of course had no recollection of ever saying, and therefore thought was just hilarious.

I love that we have yet to use actual computers in Comp Lit. Yeah, that makes so much sense. Goodness gracious.

I had to go back to get my French workbook after school, because I realized that I actually would have time to do it, and so Madame asked me, "Why is Pencil Case so giggly all the time?!" Yes. Giggly. Also, why would I know this?

Tonight I went to Target and bought the new Death Cab for Cutie CD. It is so good. I love it. If you have never listened to Death Cab in your life, you should. Oh, who am I kidding, I will probably force it upon you. Then my mom and I sat in the car and took funny pictures of ourselves on her cameraphone. Haha. That was enjoyable. "Nice aim!" "Oh, I look drunk in that picture." "No, you just look manic." "Look, it's my lone dimple!" Oh, yes. It was quite fun.

The Blog is Back? Apparently So.

2005-08-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Oh, first day of school. And what a great way to start it, in the longest study hall of my entire life. I honestly thought it would never end. And then it was off to Bio B. Which seems like it will be quite easy.

You would think that Geometry with Trigonometry would imply things that, you know, weren't algebra. But apparently not? Erik and I were terribly confused. And what is with all this new business of not leaving at the bell and waiting to be dismissed? Why do we have that in every class this year and zero classes last year? Oh, and before walking into Geo w/ Trig, I was thinking, "Gee, math... I don't have Paul in my class this year! Oh my. That's exciting."

Yeah, except that the second I get into the room, I hear, "KELLIE!" from the corner of the room. And just guess who it was? Paul.

So then it was time for history. I was talking to Erik and Caitlin, and all of the sudden, Jacob rushes into the room, sits behind me, and announces at the top of his lungs that I am, indeed, his MySpace friend. Oh Jacob. He proceeded to make noise and laugh at people for the whole of class, where we mostly played If You Were an Animal, What Animal Would You Be. Then we played another game called Let's Make the Foreign Exchange Student Make Animal Sounds. Then Erik laughed at me for having theology next and I told him that I'd had about enough of his lip today. Oh, and Phong's new name is Lars, which makes me laugh to absolutely no end.

So, theology. Pretty sure we managed to only talk about sex ten bazillion and a half times already. But that class will be fun, because Maggie and I will probably just laugh at people at random moments that no one else does and make fools of ourselves, as usual. But we will be having about 6,000 times much more fun than anyone else in Sophomore Sex Talk-- I mean, Theology.

Next it was lunch time. Woo-hoo. I like to eat, who doesn't? Except my yogurt melted, and then I was sad. But Pencil Case taunted people with French fries, and Alex and I had ridiculous conversations, and so it was a good time. Alex makes me laugh harder than anyone I know. "I ran into a tree while playing night games!" Sure, Alex. Sounds good to me.

Then it was time for English. Stary just talked about random things like rules, just like everyone else. He, of course, took it upon himself to use Chelsea and I (the drama nerds) as examples of everything. So you would think we were juvenile delinquents who can't dress ourselves and have nothing better to do in English than eat chips? Yes. Oh, and then he used me as the know-it-all example, and declared "this one is actually true." Thanks, Stary. But we get to journal in that class. I like that.

Oh French class. All that ever happens is that we antagonize Madame. First I decided to rename her G-Money. She didn't like that. So now I need a new nickname for her that is appropriately ghetto but not the already-used G-Dawg. Then we just antagonized her about the new attendance policy. Soon we'll be antagonizing her about the state of the hallways, broken locker handles, and other petty things she has no control over.

Me: But what if I have an emergency root canal?
Madame: Kellie, I honestly don't think anyone ever seriously needs an emergency root canal.
Me: Maybe I will.

Maybe I really will have an emergency root canal, just to spite her. She still thinks I've grown, too. This is perfectly ridiculous because I am the exact same height she made fun of for the whole of last year.

Finally she just got fed up with us and told us we would just have to talk to "Meeeeester Broooooooker." Then Pencil Case started laughing maniacally for no reason because he "had a visual of Madame jumping on the table and whooping." Okay, then. Then she just made Chels and me tape stuff up that's going to come down anyway? Oh, the extraneous effort.

Afterward, it was time for Comp Lit. Well, if that isn't a total waste, I don't know what is. The only good part was sitting by Pencil Case and Joe, and notes. Dumpster-Diving! Oh, and then our numerous re-namings. "Mrs. Carrots! Mrs. Potatoes!" "Yeah, Pencil Case. Mrs. Vitamin C! Mrs. Night Vision!"

Oh, school, what am I going to do about you?

Being Lame is Cool Again

2005-08-20T10:40:00.000-05:00

It might sound really lame that what I did this Friday night was stayed home and watched TV with my mother. But, really, if you know my mother, you understand exactly why this is the least lame thing in the world. In fact, it is one of the greatest. Because my mom is crazy and hilarious. (P.S., Mother, you had better be reading this at work, like you're not supposed to be doing.)

First, we watched our beloved What Not To Wear:

Mom: Ew! I hate that dress. It's like a hausfrau dress.

She continued to make fun of the hausfrau dress whenever they put it on screen. Which was a really unfortunate amount of time, to be quite honest. Then there was another episode of What Not To Wear, but it was a guy, and the ones with guys are always, always really boring. So we watched Tommy Lee Goes to College on VH1 while flipping to whatever was on HGTV at commercial breaks.

Somewhere in there, we got to talking about random and crazy things, as usual. And my mother invented a Geometry Song.

Mom: I LOVE GEOMETRY AND GEOMETRY LOVES ME! [Name of her crazy Romanian geometry teacher, which I'm not going to put down in case he's still alive and Googles himself one day. But you'll just have to trust that it's a very humorous name. And maybe you can use your imagination.]

Mom: Tommy Lee is my rockstar boyfriend.

Then she changed the channel to the Style Network. Foody Call was on. This is pretty much the strangest show I've ever seen in my life. Basically, men try to cook so they can sleep with girls they know. Or at least this is what I've gathered. I made my mother change the channel before I learned too much.

Me: That was the creepiest show ever. Well, except for Diary of an Affair.

[I talk myself into a corner and my mom makes fun of me.]
Me: Mom! Shut up! Stop talking me into a hole.
Mom: You talked yourself into a hole!
Me: [Long pause.] Well, SO?

Then our dog, Hayley, decided to join us on the couch. My friends, for some reason, love Hayley. We do not. She comes and licks us, or at least tries to, and then shoves her head between the couch cushions and sits like that for a while. Then she comes out and sneezes and saliva flies everywhere, but mostly on my mom. It was one of the grosser things Hayley has done in her five-year life.

Anyway, the conversation quickly turned to how my mom is going to be Chelsea's parent for parent-teacher conferences for very shallow reasons, and then she started offering the dog booze. Shortly afterward, her sarcasm once again got her in trouble and she decided it was time to go to bed.

Non, je ne regrette rien.

2005-08-13T12:47:00.000-05:00

Paris was absolutely, positively brilliant in every way. I would love to sit down and recount everything we saw and did every day, but that is probably not as interesting as talking about all the fun, funny things that happened, and the latter are just as much a part of the trip as the former. Yes, it is great that we saw the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre and everything, but it's much more entertaining for you to hear that our first apartment had a butt-washer and a sign on the bathroom that said "PIPI ROOM." So, without further ado, quotes from Paris:

Kathy: Gertrude Stein was a fat, ugly bitch. The only reason Alice B. Toklas stayed with her is because she threatened to sit on her.
Mai: Alice B. Pancake!

Me, holding up two steins: Okay. This stein is named Gertrude. This one is named Alice B. Toklas.

[Looking at Gertrude Stein's grave at Pere Lachaise cemetery. There is Gertrude's grave, a bunch of rocks on her grave, and a green plastic thing that looks like a dumpster in the ground next to it.]
Kathy: Oh, there's Gertrude! But where's Alice?
Me: She's in that green plastic thing that looks like a dumpster.

Peg, who has fallen ill: Kathy, I think I have multiple sclerosis!
Kathy: Multiple sclerosis? You're f***ing nuts, Peg. Where the hell did you go to medical school?!

Kathy: You have an undiagnosed brain tumor.

Kathy: This is a clear case of demonic posession.

Kathy: Peg is going to get here and say, 'I need proooooootein.'

Peg, day one: I need protein.

Peg: You look like a fetus...haha. Cletus the Fetus!

Isabelle: You're bleeding! Would you like some cotton?

Kathy: Je panse comme un pansement. (I think like a bandage.)

Isabelle: Every country has a gender.
Me, being a know-it-all: No! Israel doesn't have a gender.
Mai: Haha. It's a cross-dresser.
Isabelle: What's that?
Mai: A man who wears women's clothing.
Isabelle: And you call that an Israel?

Kathy: I have scabies! There are bedbugs in that bed and now they are crawling all over my skin!

Kathy: Oh, look. The cleaning ladies ransacked while we were away.

Kathy: I like gummies. They massage my gums. I feel like I'm chewing my cud... maybe I was a cow in a past life.

Overhead Speaker Man, after we finally land in Paris after a four-hour delay: Well, the terminal collapsed about a year ago, so...

Kathy: SHIT. I left the Black Bag of Calcutta at the airport!

Kathy: This bag stinks like it came from a hell-hole.

The radio song at Galeries Lafayette: Rock me like my back ain't got no bone.

Kathy: Is a chickpea that... thing?

Kathy: It is a wonder that you do not have rip-roaring diahhrea!

[Rick Steves was our beloved guidebook.]
Me: I'm Rick Steves, bitch!

Kathy: I went to buy an iron and I asked for a brush fire instead!

Oh, yes. Best vacation ever, though I missed you all dearly.

Au revoir

2005-07-11T14:37:00.000-05:00

Goodbye, everybody! See you in August.

Harvey Juanito

2005-07-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

Last night, Chelsea and I went on a walk. This sounds perfectly normal, but it was Chelsea, so you can bet it wasn't. She decides we are going to bring a pinata on our walk through good old King of Arms. I was not enthused about this idea and tried to employ Chelsea's mom to make her leave the pinata at home, but she just said, "Chelsea, if anyone asks you what your mother is named, say my name is Juanita."

So we go walking through good old King of Arms, and, yes, that is its technical name. Everyone who sees us stares at our pinata, of course. Somewhere in here, Chelsea decides that the pinata is her baby and that its name is Harvey Juanito. Also that I am its godmother. We go to the top of a very large hill and there is a cool house that is, according to Chelsea, Brett Favre's old house. I take a picture of Chels and Harvey Juanito, and then I take an emo picture of myself with an extreme angle that really is not flattering to my gigantic chin at all but whatever.

Now, one of the people who saw us on our little excursion was Shaggy Skater Boy. He went by on his skateboard and laughed at us, then we saw him again, and he said, "Imagine seeing you again." Chelsea asked, "Do you like our pinata?" He replied, laughing, "Very much." So everyone thought we were crazy.

When we got home, we had a very bad craving for ice cream. First we went to Hansens' but it was mobbed. Then we ventured off to Baskin-Robbins where we saw Kara and Emily. That was fun, and I had a delicious kiddie cone of chocolate chip cookie dough.

The rest of the night somehow involved a pink spoon from Baskin-Robbins in ways I would not like to detail on here. Oh, and Chelsea is obsessed with full names. We had some good times with old Holy Family yearbooks and I'd wished I'd brought my old SMS one. We also decided that I am going to make her go to the SMS Christmas program next year (I am obliged to go anyway, as is Betty, but I want to show Chelsea my first-- and only-- starring role in anything, ever) and, as revenge, she gets to take me to the HFS Christmas program. But it is actually exciting because Christmas programs are. And there are two full pages of the HFS yearbook which involve adults making fools of themselves? Definitely. And the whole thing is in color. I can fully say that SMS was jipped.

Oh, and there was also singing of showtunes to be had? Yeah. That was so fun. Chelsea with her high soprano and me with my alto, oh yeah.

Reading Old Entries

2005-06-28T12:15:00.000-05:00

So, I was having a great amount of fun reading old entries today. This was very amusing because sometimes I write the most random things ever. Like the time Pencil Case wrote about pet mice instead of just mice on his blog and so Madame chastised him about the mistake. Then I said how I thought no one actually had pet mice, but apparently Brooker's kids did? How did I even know that? Did I just go ask if he knew anyone who had pet mice?And they had pet mice? Did they die or something? Lord.

Oh, and I love my completely random and/or obvious nicknames. Also conversations with a certain crazy woman about said nicknames.

Goodness, I was such a freshman back at the beginning of the year. Then by January, I was apparently insane.

See, this blog is better during the school year because things actually happen. Like pet mice and bad nicknames. Whereas in the summer, I could just talk about how I talk on the phone with Chelsea all day, but that really is not interesting or humorous to anyone but Chelsea and myself. Who, by the way, are going to go kidnap all the old yearbooks.

Another thing about this blog is that it gets hit for "crazy dove lady" a lot. And, really, who Googles that? Honestly.

You know what I think we need? Another story about Mikhail Gorbachev and another story about Betty's family. I'm sure you've all heard this one before, but it's a doozy. Or at least I think so.

[Betty and I are playing against Little Peep and their mom, Laurie. Little Peep and Laurie have to fill in the blanks to make the word "Gorbachev". Betty and I are whispering to each other as they think.]
Betty: Who is Gorbachev, Kellie?
Me: God. Go attend history class.
Betty: No, seriously, tell me. I'm in retarded history.
Me: You know who he is. Gorby's the one with the big birthmark on his head.
[Betty laughs for about five minutes, and then Laurie chastises her upon discovering that she has no idea who Gorby is.]

Yes, Betty's family is great.

Oh, and John Stamos was on Conan last night. Uncle Jesse! Yes, now Chelsea is going to think about Joey Gladstone... bwahaha.

Chelsea is a Sassy Black Lady.

2005-06-21T18:18:00.000-05:00

Oh my dear lord, Chelsea is the highlight of my summer. Why, you may ask?

Q: Who smears red lipstick all over her face and leaves it there allll night?
A: Chelsea.

Q: Who discovers her inner sassy black lady and spends the rest of the night adding "bitches" to the end of every sentence?
A: Chelsea

Q: Who invented the Sexy Dance?
A: Chelsea

Q: Who names her body parts [Bonnie and Clyde, specifically]?
A: Chelsea

Q: Who has not Mountain Dew but Mountain Fury at her house?
A: Chelsea

Q: Who do I have deep discussions with set to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack?
A: Chelsea

Now, for the extra credit portion of the test:

Q: How long did the Mountain Fury make me hyper?
A: Two minutes. Or three.

Q: How long did Chelsea laugh at my random hyperness for?
A: About five minutes.

Q: What grade did I get in DDR
A: B!

Q: Which Golden Girl am I? Which Golden Girl is Chelsea?
A: Kellie is Dorothy and Chelsea is Rose.

Yes. Best night ever.

Oh, and today? "Park Place Lane"? Margo and Katie, you are my freshmen.

Fake Kids and Mermaids

2005-06-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

So, according to kindergarteners, Little Buddy and I are "fake kids." This is because we were sitting behing a large board in order to make noise, and so of course the little dorks peeked and loudly shouted, "THERE ARE KIDS BACK THERE!" to which one of the other kids replied, "I think she has fake kids."

Yes. This week has fully cemented why I am never going to have children. Ever. And please don't be all adultish and tell me that I'll change my mind when I'm older. Kids under the age of ten are all little brats who ask stupid questions and raise their hands only to say "I forgot." And that is a fact.

Oh, another exciting part of my summer days are telephone chats with my Chelsea. Yesterday, we were looking at an online gallery of lacrosse pictures from the Notre Dame-vs.-Bay Port game. We were talking about sexy muscular boys when Chelsea randomly collapses into giggles, a lot of giggles which are followed by a very very loud thunk.

Me: Chelsea, are you okay?!
Chelsea: Yeah. I'm fine. Well, I fell off my chair and I have a big red mark, but other than that.
Me: Oh god. What was so funny?
Chelsea: There's this picture of Brooker. And he looks like a mermaid! Brooker is a mermaid!
[More manic laughter from both Chelsea and I.]

The picture really is somewhat mermaidish, and it raises the question on how he actually remains standing.

Yes, so I don't update for all of three days, and suddenly I'm fake and Brooker is a mermaid.

Truly, nothing ever happens during summer.

Crazy Dove Lady

2005-06-13T17:57:00.000-05:00

I have not posted in quite a while. The play closed on Saturday. It was so fun, and I will miss everyone so much. Everyone was just so funny and nice and generally insane. The parties were a blast, as were practices. Perhaps later I will post a list of a great many funny things that were said, all of which will be quite enjoyable.

Today was the first day of Vacation Bible School working drama with Betty and Little Peep. Oh, goodness. I love those girls so. Anyway, it went well, except for the whole element of getting hit with flying glow sticks, and the CD player even worked.

Afterward, we went to Betty and Little Peep's house to watch The OC. I somehow got addicted to games on disneychannel.com on the laptop, and then we watched the Michael Jackson verdict with their mom. This was very humorous because they kept showing the crazy obsessive Wacko Jacko fans outside the courthouse.

"Don't these people have jobs?" -Betty and Little Peep's mom

These were your general run-of-the-mill psychotics, you know, "Innocent Until Proven Innocent" signs and the whole thing, until Crazy Dove Lady showed up. This woman had ten doves in a box, and for each time he was announced not guilty on a charge, she would kiss a dove and send it flying into the air. By the end, we all really wanted him to be charged guilty of something, just to make Crazy Dove Lady upset, but to no avail. So Crazy Dove Lady, who is definitely unstable, remained happy, which, considering her apparent instability, was likely for the better of society. Of course, Betty and Little Peep's mom had quite a lot to say about the crazies and the verdict. But mostly about the crazies.

"Stop kissing the doves! Doesn't that lady know how dirty those birds are?!"

"Look at that sign. 'Michael, on behalf of humanity, I'm sorry.' What?! Humanity? Don't you think that's just a little strong? I certainly am not sorry! Jeez, Louise."

Then in the car, listening to the radio, they said that they couldn't tell Michael's expression, and I shouted something rather loudly about that being a side effect of his numerous plastic surgeries. Which is true.

Oh, le sigh, do I love thunderstorms.

Pickering His Nose

2005-06-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

Today was fun stuff, "studying" with Chelsea. Oh, god. We seriously did no actual studying. Some tutor I am.

Chels: Who's Joe Pickering?
Me: I don't know.
Chels and I, at the same time: Pickering his nose!

Yes, pretty much the highlight of my day.

I feel almost like I'm writing too much lately, just not on here. There just aren't the daily instances there are during the school year, my pretties.

"Then, BAM! The bitch fairy came and slapped her on the ass." -Chelsea

2005-06-06T22:33:00.000-05:00

Wow. Longest blogging drought ever. Very sorry. It is just much harder to blog when my summer is being eaten, and you all should just start getting used to it because I'm not going to be here from July 12 to August 10. And my computer is very slow.

Last night after the church picnic (dear lord), I slept over at Betty's. Fun times with my OC DVDs, yes.

Also, the people who go to my church really are idiots and they don't know the first thing about tickets.

My keyboard is stupid and Squirrel's 1.5 hour stories are the highlights of not only cast parties but our lives. Send me money, puh-leeeze. Late-night blogging should be taken away from me, for serious.

I wanna be the house that you were raised in, the only place where you feel safe.

2005-05-31T23:00:00.000-05:00

So, exams are over, and all my grades are in. Some happier than others, but that is how it goes. Summer so far has been play practice... and more play practice. Le sigh.

Today, actually, I went over to Betty's after practice. Very fun time. We were hungry but there was no popcorn, so we went and asked Betty's mom for money so we could run to Osco Drug. She gave us five dollars in quarters, so we went and bought popcorn and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Then we came home and watched MSNBC.

Anchor Lady: What is wrong with people?!!?!
Betty: I'm guessing that wasn't in her script.

After a long discussion about Deep Throat and Watergate, which Betty knew approximately zero things about (good god), we decided to go tan. We slathered on the sunscreens for our respective delicate complexions and went and sat in the sun.

Me: I'm going to get fried like a fritter.
Betty: What's a fritter?
Me: Apple fritters.

We borrowed Little Buddy's CD player and Betty was convinced it would explode in the sun, so she kept moving this little table thing that may have been a stepstool or an ottoman around so that the stereo would have shade and not explode. Yeah. Oh, and we talked about how we are going to use my extreme talent for talking to adults and being their friends next year... never mind.

Then my favorite little buddy, Little Buddy came home! Oh, she is my favorite for reasons like this:

[Little Buddy accidentally unplugs her Game Cube controller.]
Betty: Little Buddy! That's bad for the controller!
Little Buddy: It's bad for YOUR FACE!

Yes. That is totally why she is the best seventh-grader this side of the Mississippi, or any river, for that matter.

Then I returned home to a message from Chelsea! Excitement. We talked on the phone for 84 minutes of insanity, and Chelsea had this blonde moment:

Me: We have to know our state capitals for history next year, apparently.
Chels: Oh, like, Wisconsin, WI?
Me: No... Chels... like, Madison, Wisconsin.
Chels: Oh, yeah...
[Long silence, after which we crack up.]

Pretty sure anything any of us ever do at play practice is flirt and be hit upon. Well, actually, we just sit around and listen to Squirrel make innuendoes, but... still. It is a fun time, with Tom ripping his pants and Sarah "leaving her husband."

Scary People Following Us, Midget Towns, And Other Tales of the Hot Date at Barnes and Noble

2005-05-28T23:22:00.000-05:00

Tonight I had a hot date with Maggie at Barnes and Noble, as the title implies, because, really, who else is hot enough to be my hot date? Haha. Anyway. The original purpose of this so-called date that wasn't really a date was to check out Cafe Boy. Who wasn't there. But Maggie and I were quickly perked up by hot cocoa, or, in my case, Fiji water, which truly tastes the same as regular water.

First, there was the scary man who looked like a child molester and was following us. Which was very, very creepy. Finally he left.

Me: Creepy Man was very creepy. Hence the name Creepy Man.

Then Maggie randomly checked out at 9:45 even though we were getting picked up at 10:45. She felt all stupid when she realized her mistake, so we went and sat in the chairs for an hour and talked about random things, such as the play, public bathrooms, and next year.

Then it was 10:45, and we waited by the doors for Emily to pick us up. This was crazy because Maggie randomly started reading a book called Weird Wisconsin and reading passages from it about some creepy town we have never heard of where midgets beat you to death with baseball bats and maul teenagers making out in cars. It was quite funny. Then Emily came and picked us up, and we laughed at dirty names. Well, mostly Emily laughed. Then she apologized for laughing. Somewhere in there, I talked about the Hodag, or as I prefer to call it, the Hobag, which Emily and Maggie had never heard of. But Maggie was still preoccupied with the midgets, as she often is.

Luke and Layla

2005-05-27T23:49:00.000-05:00

Note to self: Sitting next to Charlie is in no way whatsoever condusive to movie viewing. See, a large quantity of us play folk went and saw Star Wars. I ended up sitting next to Charlie, who I am quite certain has ADD, but is the funniest kid ever. Here are some notable things he said:

"CINDERELLA MAN! That's funny. [laughs.]"

"There are TWO babies. Luke and Layla!"

"Haha! He's crying!"

"Haha! She's crying!"

"OOH. Big bubble!"

"What the heck?"

"I think the people in front of us are mad."

"[Blows into the straw of his drink and makes bubbles.]"

Yes. I cannot imagine why they are possibly worried about getting kicked out of hotels with him on the Eurotrip.

So, over the course of the movie, Spazzy G gasped more than I thought was humanly possible, Maggie said something about ovaries, Charlie and I laughed at every line of bad dialogue, and we decided, based upon my small stature, that I am Yoda. Thanks, guys.

Le sigh. Guess what? I am a sophomore. And it's summer. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, honeys.

Pencil Case, I'm going to miss you crazy much while you're in Colorado!

Derogatory Things Written on Windows

2005-05-26T20:00:00.000-05:00

I came to school early-ish today to get some studying in for the lovely exams of Algebra 2 and Introduction to Chemistry and Physics. Well, I go to the Commons in hopes of meeting Maggie, and Girly Sweater is immediately there, telling me that dirty things have been written on the Commons ceiling windows about Brooker. So, I get there, and indeed, dirty things had been written. I am not going to repeat what they were, first off, because you never know if children or the elderly happen to read these things, and second of all, because it is a ridiculously immature insult. Maggie had better ideas about things to write up there, anyway.

Anyway, much funnier than the actual act of vandalism were people's reactions to it.

Me: Betty, look up.
Betty: I'm not going to! You're playing a prank on me!
Me: You are such a cynic. Would you just look up? There are derogatory things written about Brooker up there.
Betty: Yeah, right...
Me: Would you just look up?!?!
(Betty does and has the funniest facial expression ever.)

Yes. So, today was ICP and math exams, and those were not so happy. Oh, well. Art was okay, except that I had to draw a human being, also known as Pencil Case. Le sigh. So, I'm ready for school to be done.

Finals, Day One

2005-05-25T18:42:00.000-05:00

Oh, goodness. Today, I would have to say that I thoroughly kicked the butts of both my finals. Fun. Tomorrow is another story, but today was actually fun.

It began in French. Despite my grand total of zero minutes of studying outside of class, I finished the exam in seventeen minutes and got 100%. Being linguistically gifted is fun. I got to spend the rest of the class doing book count for Madame and running down to the office to hang out with my office folk... actually to explain to the office folk that Madame has no idea what she should do about book count because she seems to have thrown out her book count from the beginning of the year... but that is the same thing in different words, really. So Pencil Case and I took book count, and then Madame and I said our farewells, which was depressing, and I somehow got enlisted to help her set up her room at the end of the summer. Le sigh... Russians... what are you going to do about them?

Next we had seventh hour, study hall. We all had to report to the Commons or Library, and I went to the Commons. Bad idea. Toe Touches was there, ensuring that all of us would not use our iPods or CD players. What? Very frustrating. So I taught myself about the Latin American Revolutions in case we had that essay for history, which was a good idea. Also, Mr. Blaney told me a large saga about the vending machine eating his dollar... okay then.

The history exam was fun, because it was maps and essays. Now, if I learnt one thing from middle school history (there were actually a lot of things we learned, but this is a figure of speech, my dears), it is maps. And essays plus history equals love. Shawn and I got to draw the numbers for the essays. He drew the evil Latin American Revolution question, which I did very well on, and I drew the fun one about why the US and the USSR hated each other before the Cold War, in which I showed paralyzing sarcasm. Final history exam grade: 98%.

Tomorrow will not be so happy... ICP, then Algebra II, then art... but whatever.

Play practice was the usual. It involved Logan's violent tendencies, Squirrel and Maggie flirting, Stary making fun of us all, the chairs in the auditorium eating my legs as bystanders laugh, attempting to memorize ICP laws and realizing that I don't actually have to, but only after giving myself a headache about them. You know where someone is not watching you in a creepy way, but rather just observing you? That is funny.

Oh, and I would like to mention that T. Lee yelled my name during the fraction final from the hallway, then sang the "Sesame Street" song after Mike closed the door, a very large occurance which sent me into manic giggles.

Well, I'm off to memorize some physics equations, and probably eat my own head out of frustration.

Idget The Midget

2005-05-24T13:38:00.000-05:00

Formal announcement to the lunch table: If you really, really must call me Idget the Midget, you have my permission to do so.

Le sigh. Today is our last day of actual school for the year, and I am both sad and happy.

French was fun. Maggie and I made a date, Pencil Case could not remember his own actions, and then we asked Madame stupid questions.

Me: Who is [next year's theology teacher]? What does he look like?
Madame: Well, he wears tan pants. [Demonstrates a pants waist.]
Me: Oh, thank you. You really narrowed that down.

Pencil Case: Did you ever turn someone in to the Secret Police?
Madame: Considering that I was about five when they were still around, no.

Sigh. I am going to miss this class very much. Actually, I will probably just miss our crazy antics.

English and Poppa G will also be amply missed. Romeo and Juliet was pretty much our best unit the whole year, so at least we ended on a good note. And not Call of the Wild.

Betty: Now, since you will be with her, you have to report any obvious things she says, okay?
Me: Yes, because she's obviously a moron and will just say, "Oh, yes, my lover always says, 'Life is like a box of chocolates!'"

Betty: You look short. Idget the Midget.

Erik: Have you ever been in the men's bathroom?
Me: Well, what do you think the answer to that is? I am not a tranny.
Erik: Okay. I'm guessing no. [Tells me a story of all the funny things written on the walls.]

Somewhere between English and ICP, I got kidnapped and had a conversation in the office with Erik and Elise about calling people who aren't our parents "Mom" and "Dad." Very funny.

ICP, realized how smart it is that I made a vocab list for every chapter. Thank you, studying skills.

Theology involved crazy antics from me. And by crazy antics, I mean "forgetting my Bible." You see, I am a forgetful person and did not bring my Bible to class. So Toe Touches gives me fake detention after school, but then I remember that school starts again on August 26, and so, for that fact, he takes my fake detention away. Oh goodness.

August 26, the day my sophomore schedule and I will be bonded together in perfect harmony. Well, after first hour study hall, at least. It is very nice. I get everything crappy out of the way in the morning, but have a really good class (history) fourth hour to break up the badness, and then I have a beautiful and easy afternoon. Yummy.

Algebra was the fraction final and, needless to say, no one will miss that class too much. No more quadratic formula songs, no more random yellings-at, no more monikered markers... thank goodness.

Art was basically Pencil Case and I having one of the funniest conversations of my life. Although I do believe I was again called a man... No, wait, this time it was a boy. Oh, and my self portrait, aside from the freakishly pointy chin, resembles me in absolutely no way.

50 people test, I am going to kick your butt.

Chelsea, in comment form: Oh, and I have Bio B first hour, which is just nucking futs. I don't want to dissect some little nasty at 8 in the morning.

Schedule, My Pretties

2005-05-23T13:39:00.000-05:00

Oh goodness. My schedule for next year is brilliance times a million. Seriously. It is so full of goodness that I just want to frame it and put it up on my wall and admire it all the time.

Today has actually been not too interesting apart from that. During French, we wrote sentences and none of us could remember our vocab. Paul behaved stupidly and, on that front, nothing else was new. We also got our schedules, which was fun.

English was fun. I love Romeo and Juliet due mostly to the humorously toneless readings of our class. Very funny. Oh, and I saw Betty's schedule, not so much of the pretties, but if anyone can survive it, it's her. ICP was a quiz that felt really easy, which probably means it was really very hard. But yay for ray diagrams anyway. Theology, I think we talked about annulment and divorce and whatnot, but don't quote me on that one, buddies.

Lunch was fun stuff. I corrected exams and told Madame about why the first floor hallway smelled like cigarette smoke (some brilliant person put a lit cigarette in the Jesus statue's mouth.) There was some screaming insanity from Maggie at lunch about ray diagrams and other such craziness which I am quite certain that the whole cafeteria heard. It was a very long scream and it involved head banging. All this over convex and concave lenses, yes.

Math was review. And Art was crazy. Pencil Case, Chelsey and I sat next to each other, along with Matt, and then Becky and Allison until those two got tired of us and left. Which basically means that we did approximately nothing. This is mostly because Pencil Case decides to mess up my drawing and make me laugh, then blames Chelsey as Matt asks if someone could please slap him. He also told me about his schedule change, which means that we have Bio B, French, and Comp Lit/Study Hall together. Fun stuff. Then he drew a picture of Whoopi Goldberg on the back of my self-portrait.

Pencil Case: Well, Paul was saying, "This is the difference between me and Ethan. I am straight-gay. Ethan is gay-gay. It is like having a purple llama and a llama llama. One is really a llama, the other is just purple and pretending to be."

Yes. If there were actually words of wisdom to be had from Paul, those would be it.

Oh, and let us just take a moment to say that I totally figured out the mystery of Dana/Zach/Deirdre/Paul/Mary Alice/Angela/Mike about three episodes of Desperate Housewives ago? And I so did. La Mere can confirm this. It was when we were coloring my hair in front of the telly one night.

And the finale of Grey's Anatomy? So good. Although I really wanted to jump into the TV and hurt Patrick Dempsey. Just not his very attractive face. But, you know, enough to make him feel bad about what he'd done. There is probably some nice little explanation that will wrap everything up, though.

Graduation

2005-05-21T09:34:00.000-05:00

Graduation was very long and very fun and very painful for the tootsies all at once.

First, we picked Pencil Case up very early and ended up very, very early for graduation mass. Also, Pencil Case, the old beard guy mountain man with the TV show is, I think, Grizzly Adams. Before all this, there was an incident entitled "Kellie Getting Ready", which involved me making my hair cute and flippy, but then my head got attacked with cheap hairspray ("That hairspray is awful. It's like helmet head." -La Mere, after I tell her about the incident) and so I had to brush out all my hair flippies.

Graduation mass was not as long as expected, but still fairly boring. Well, except that it wouldn't be a mass without watching people flirt and Pencil Case thinking that one of our catholic religious leaders, this time the bishop, was a Jew.

Pencil Case: Oh, is he a Jew? He looks like a Jew. I mean, he's wearing a yarmulke.
Maggie and I: Pencil Case, that's the bishop.
[The bishop starts singing.]
Pencil Case: And I thought Barbra Streisand was the only singing Jew!

Then we had quite some time to kill between mass and the actual commencement. So, what did we do? We ate, of course. And hid Pencil Case's waterbottle. And I talked to Betty and Erik and told them about some things and whatnot before they played "Pomp and Circumstance" 900 times. Oh, and congrats to the band for not passing out after all that totally circular playing. You guys were excellent.

By this point, Maggie and I had clinically dead, very blistered, and dreadfully bloody feet. Yay for women's shoes.

The commencement was very long and really not too interesting. Kathleen and Gina both gave really good speeches, and I had to explain the whole sheet with the faculty and staff's degrees and departments on it to Paul, who was like, "BS? What does that mean?! How can you get a BA in Director of Development? What classes do you take for that?" I took about a bazillion pictures, which I will drop off to get developed today.

Afterward, Maggie and I had a mild breakdown of happiness about the newfound concept of air circulation and ability to breathe and then we went to Barnes and Noble with La Mere. While we were there, we ate dinner (at nine at night), checked out the guy working at Starbucks, Maggie made up very obvious code names, and then she was shocked by how loud I listen to music.

Afterward, La Mere and I went home and tried to watch Ocean's Twelve but fell asleep so decided to turn the movie off. And that was my loverly Friday night. Today, for the record, I am going to go buy belts, which the lunch table had better appreciate. Oh, and I am holding out for a very fun late-night chat with Betty again.

We Heart Jaile. No, Not Like Prison.

2005-05-20T12:15:00.000-05:00

Oh, Betty. You are my funniest. I promise that Jaile will be in my purse tonight. Maybe even in shiny silver gift wrap. But probably not.

Today before school, I went to go drop my stuff off in the French room, where they were watching Thumbtanic and enjoying it greatly. Well, everyone but Madame and I, who thought we could feel our IQs dropping. Seriously. Who thinks to make a movie with thumbs? Anyway, after watching Pirates of the Caribbean, getting yelled at, and vulgar comments from Paul, French class was over.

In English, we read more Romeo and Juliet and there was more Poppa G being wise and funny. ICP involved more ray diagrams (good god) and theology was... I forgot.

You know what is funny about people? They can remember totally random things from their childhood, totally unimportant things, as vividly as possible. Yet they can't remember what they did two hours ago or where they put their shows, and sometimes, people remember the important things, but they're a little fuzzy, not fully there.

Lunch was fun. Lots and lots of sugar, and mockery of hand gestures (mine, and someone else's) from Erik. Oh, and a brilliant semi-fictional idea for a novel was conceived. I also made Betty a very pretty locker sign and Erik lectured me on which of my shoes look the best on me, after which I enlightened him on the punching.

Math was pretty boring. ABC talked about how she was a loser in high school and referred to the Goths at her school as "black-haired wannabes." Art was fairly boring but at least it was short.

Graduation tonight with Pencil Case! Very exciting.

"Oh, you can keep it!"

2005-05-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

Today has been okay, in a very long sort of way. Can I just say that I am eternally grateful that NDA is not a block-scheduled school?

During math, we had a very easy test and ABC made fun of the announcements and added things of her own to them, such as, "All spring athletes, please return your jerseys the day after your season ends or we will beat you to a bloody pulp."

Art, we had a very long part one of our final exam. Which carries no finality whatsoever, because it is only part one, and so we don't even have the comfort of being fully done with the class. Pencil Case left his pencil on the table, an as we were leaving, this conversation took place:
Jenny: Pencil Case! You left your pencil here.
Pencil Case: Oh, well.... you can keep it! [Runs out of the room with me and our uber-humorous senior issues of The Tritonian.)

Lunch involved Erik and I walking around thanks to my craving for exercise, and me having to tell him things three times in a row, and pretty flowery pens and free candy. Delicious. Anyway. It is now time to study for a so-called history test about things that happened 4 years ago so that I don't get a 95 and have Mr. Blaney yell at me.

Pretty much, yeah. God knows how important memorizing those terrorist groups are, and only knowing 95 percent of them? Blasphemy! (Mountain Dew cannot possibly be good for me.)

Maggie, I just realized we have to know the name of the Unabomber for the test. Really. Please say you were also tempted to put, "Bondage, on the bus ride from Madison after State, therefore causing Maggie to fall on the floor of the bus four times." Or maybe that's just me.

So, I actually got 104 on my test, hence no yellings-at from Mr. Blaney. Good stuff. Then wasted the rest of class, which was about 70 minutes, by wandering, writing in my notebook, and being generally a loser. Awesome.

Play practice was fun, mainly for the benefit of singing "Happy Birthday" to T. Lee approximately 8000 times, and Tom doing impressions of every teacher in the school side stage.

"Someone wrote a dirty word on the Pillsbury Doughboy... well, I don't know if I can tell you... I don't think we can use it for popcorn reading anymore... it's too dirty. Okay. Someone wrote... pppppoooooooop... on the Pillsbury Doughboy. I tried to wash it, but it wouldn't come off... I guess the Doughboy wanted pooooooop to stay."

Cut to Maggie and I almost wetting ourselves. You might have had to be there. Basically, this was triggered by Tom's decision that he was going to perform most of the teacher quotes from the Tritonian.

I also ran around after school for long periods of time, dancing. This led to Mr. Blaney and Mr. Brooker laughing at me. Then again, according to Pencil Case, Brooker walked into a bathroom door, and you know what they say about stones and glass houses. Just kidding.

Also, at the grocery store, my mom trusted me with a cart and then made fun of me repeatedly.
La Mere: Be careful. Don't run into the old man, Kellie. (I lose my focus and narrowly miss the old man.) KELLIE! I told you to be careful! Gosh! (Goes on a random spree of quoting Napoleon Dynamite and then giggles maniacally.)

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason.

2005-05-18T18:35:00.000-05:00

The past few days have been a lot. We are going to go on with the play in honor of Emily and Missy. It is going to be hard, and very, very straining on all of us, but Senora G talked to their father today, and before she even told him our decision, he said, "Please don't say you stopped." Which felt good; it kind of convinced me that this was the right thing, because who knows better what a child would have wanted than their parents? But still, have you ever known you were doing the right thing but wondered if you were actually strong enough to do it? That was what I, and I'm guessing a lot of the cast, felt like today. But we're all a lot closer, we're all there for each other, and that makes it feel like it's really what is right, if there is a "right" thing.

Senior exams has caused much havoc on schedules. 75-minute classes! We had first through fourth hour today, which means that basically tomorrow will suck. French class was Kayleigh's last day, sadness. She still managed to get Pencil Case in a lot of trouble with Madame. For talking. And, of course, Madame yelled at him while he wasn't even talking and then decided that I was going to beat him up, all out of absolutely nowhere. We also did a million exercises.

English was fun. We're doing Romeo and Juliet, and Poppa G is just so funny about everything. He is just such a wise, adorable old man, very funny.

ICP was also fun because Adult Hermione made fun of the kids in her study hall for the first part of class.

"He is always throwing around that tennis ball. Just to make me mad. It's very passive-aggressive, and I can understand doing that in the fourth grade, but he is, what, sixteen? So I took it away. And he wrote 'I love Suzanne' on there, so I'm keeping it for blackmail."

"He always whistles, too. He won't stop. And I should really give him a break, because he just learned how to whistle this year. This year! That kid you always hear whistling in the hall is probably KR. He's seventeen, and he's proud of himself for finally learning how to whistle."

76 minutes of theology, though, was very long and arduous. As Senora G said, "Well, you were all probably closer to God... or just closer to wanting to get out of that room and really having to pee." Then she talked about how her kids never listen to her when she tells them they can't go to the bathroom at the moment and how they threaten to pee on the floor and how she says, "Yeah, you do that. And then we'll all laugh at you." Senora G makes my day.

Play practice was, surprisingly, more fun than we'd expected. I hung out with Liz and Vicky for a while looking at Liz's senior scrapbook. Tom and I walked around and talked a lot and discovered that tomorrow was T. Lee's birthday, which he was hoping we'd never find out, so we continually sang "Happy Birthday" to him. Then Tom and I compared teachers and classes along with Big Ben and Liz. And then it was time for me to go onstage. And it wasn't weird or awkward and Maggie is doing a brilliant job of taking over for Emily. She's not doing an impersonation of Emily or anything, and you just know she's not doing this to get a bigger part or because she wants to look good. There's no air of that. And we're all really thankful to Maggie for taking on this role, more than we could ever express.

Well. My macaroni and cheese is ready and I have a history test to study for about things that happened less than four years ago.

2005-05-17T13:46:00.000-05:00

This whole thing has already been explained on a lot of peoples' blogs, yes. And I don't think I'm going to explain what happened because, for me, putting it into words makes everything real.

Missy and Emily, you are very loved and very missed. You were always smiling and positive, and you have showed us so many things.

So, yes. Things have been tough. But thank you to everyone who has just been there, for me or for anyone else. Thank you to the entire staff, for just being there, all calm and reasonable, for the rest of us. The important thing to have is someone who can just be there with you, and I have had more than I can count and been there for many people, too. I've hugged more people than I talk to on a daily basis, some I thought I would never talk to again. A lot of apologies were made, and a lot of people had the strength to tell the people who they love that they love them. We have all learned a lot of things, and, in a way, this has been almost good. It brought down walls, it brought people together, it brought us all a little bit closer and it taught us to not sit back and let life go by.

Yesterday was a long day, and it sucked, but there were so many beautiful, kind things happening. Today has been a little less tough, but... the play... I don't know. We will solve that issue when we have to, right? ("When we have to" actually means "in a little over an hour," and I honestly don't think any choice we make is going to feel totally right.)

This is crazy.

"I don't get it." -Betty

2005-05-13T14:11:00.000-05:00

Hi, Mom.

Today began, slightly drizzle-y, in French class, of course. We asked questions in the past tense and watched Pirates of the Caribbean. Paul and Pencil Case were both wearing purple, Paul a very girly one and Pencil Case a very nice, masculine one, and Paul said my skirt made him feel like he was high. Says the boy wearing Easter-egg pastel purple.

We are starting Romeo and Juliet in English soon. Very exciting, mostly because this means that we are done with Call of the Wild. After English we had the Senior Farewell Mass. I was expecting it to be very sad and to cry, but I didn't, because they actually made it somewhat happy. Swing Choir sang "For Good" at the very beginning, which was appropriate and very good. Betty and I did some whispery fashion critique in the weird space after communion where no one is singing or doing anything interesting, which did not matter because our supervisor was deaf.

Me: That man has the worst haircut I've ever seen.
Betty: I don't get it.
Me: There wasn't anything to get.

Then they sang "Joyful, Joyful, We Adore You" or whatever it's called, and Betty and I reminisced about our good times in the first grade when she taught me how to play this song on the piano at her house. Shortly afterward, we probably played one of our psychotic Barbie games that ended in car accidents and many dead dollies.

ICP was the last day of the lab test (yay, and also, finally) and theology was the usual, meaning we bugged Toe Touches to do a toe touch and he wouldn't. We also called the office, as we do at least once a week.

Lunch involved bickering and scattering and so I actually went to the Commons, which involved:
1. Mispronunciations of food by Vicky. "Spag-hetty" and "poh-tah-toes".
2. Community mashed potatoes.
3. A little bit of sugar and Betty being a romantic.
4. Vicky trying to catapult a animal cracker with her spoon and hitting the wall with the cracker.
5. Maggie throwing animal crackers down Polly's shirt.

During math, people stared at a poster and ABC said, "I have three graduations to attend this year. And I have to be sober for all of them."

Art was approximately the same. Afterward, Pencil Case and I randomly sang the theme song of The Addams Family.

Play practice yesterday was very entertaining, mostly due to Logan doing impressions of Steve and Tom and I talking about people with food-brand names.
Tom: I really want to meet someone who has an Uncle Ben and an Aunt Jemima.

Afterward, I watched another highly dramatic episode of The OC like the rest of teenage America. I was glad that they finally killed a character off, rather than just having him or her move to another state, as they often do when it comes time to get rid of characters.

Yoga Time, Democratic Priveleges, and Other Such Tales

2005-05-12T13:46:00.000-05:00

Today in French, we had yoga time. This involved laying on our backs with our legs against the wall. Now, even though I was up this morning at six doing yoga as I do every morning, this was excellent. Apparently it is because all the useless, excess blood in your feet travels to your head and wakes you up. Oh, and Pencil Case fell over.

English, we corrected tests, and ICP, we had a continuation of the lab test, and in theology, we corrected tests. Everything was tests this morning. Well, tests, my chronic lateness, and Madame's fashion tips and critiques:

"Don't dress sleazy."

"He has three shirts on, all with the collars flipped up. Is it because he's cold? Do I get to give him three referrals instead of one?"

Lunch, we had voting for class presidents and I considered cheating the democratic system and voting under Chelsea's name, but did not. Maggie also brought very delicious cookies. Math was tiring and I could have used more yoga time and during art we learned that I have cheekbones and a random scratch on my forehead that happened sometime in the night. Yes. This project is making us all so insecure about the little things.

So, my second roll of film did not come back. I'm very agitated. All my good pictures, apart from the locker ones and Girly Sweater in a sombrero, were on that roll. But, it was either the wrong film for the camera or (cough) put in wrong (and not by me.) Oh, well. It happens. There must be photo karma or somthing, because the Passport picture does not suck.

Oh, I very much hope the person I voted for wins President.

During history, we are going to talk about things that happened not even four years ago. Which is not history, by definition. Oh, well. Also, whoever spent 27 minutes after school on Tuesday reading my blog from a school computer, please tell me. It is kind of freaking me out, considering that the library was closed on Tuesday afternoon. (And, yes, you can thank SiteMeter for my newfound status as Big Brother.)

Heat Stroke

2005-05-11T13:43:00.000-05:00

Kodak, your processing website is very vague. I still have no clear idea of if my pictures are ready to be picked up or not. Speaking of pictures, I'm having my Passport picture taken today. Hopefully I will not look like a psychotic doll as I did in my last one (then again, I was six.)

French is just psychotic. Really, there are not any other words. First we all thought that "prendre un coup du soleil" (to take a hit from the sun, literally) meant to get a sunburn, but instead, it means to get heat stroke. This meant that we said heat stroke in reference to approximately everything, particularly things that have to relevance to heat stroke whatsoever.

"Tu dois mettre le creme solaire."
"Translate, please."
"You have to put on sunscreen."
"Yeah, or you'll get heat stroke."

"Now, let's not all get heat stroke over this."

Then there was Maison d'Etre, our new totally morbid way of remembering our relocation/MR and MRS D VANDERTRAPP words. See, it is a picture of a house and it has all our relocation verbs that describe what you do in a house. Complete with a balcony, with an arrow coming out of it and pointing to the ground, complete with the label "TOMBER (to fall)". Yes, quite morbid.

English involved the longest test you could dream about the stupidest book you can imagine. ICP involved lab tests and theology involved talking about history and historians, and so I actually enjoyed it for once. Maybe because for once it was not all, "Blerg! [spews pea soup over all other religions like the scary girl in The Exorcist.]" Okay, that was a bit dramatic.

Math involved a review worksheet masquerading as a quiz, which of course most of us actually did well on for once. Art involved a lot of realizing more facial flaws, Pencil Case and I making ridiculous faces for the last ten minutes of class, and chastisement for making fun of each other.

Today has actually been pretty dramatic as far as school gossip goes, but none of it is very sordid or dramatic (well, not much on that count), and mainly just concerned with people being stupid, so it isn't really worth detailing here, unfortunately.

Did You, Now?

2005-05-10T13:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I went to the band concert to support my peeps. Very funny. Involved lots of dirty jokes from Erik and fun times with Betty and her family, along with Queen Egghead pointedly not speaking to me. Not that I would want to talk to Gladys Kravitz anyway; she isn't a very sparkling conversationalist. Today has been fairly dull. Lab tests for ICP start tomorrow and I am so nervous.

French was the usual. We did chapter eleven vocabulary about summer and winter activities. Maggie decided that there were too many parts to a mountain and that "le debutant/la debutante" must mean a golfer, because debutantes are rich people and rich people golf. Yes.

English, I basically talked to Betty the whole time about things like my dorking out and her mom's Alzheimer's.
Betty: What are you reading?
Me: Oh, just Introduction to Sociology.
Betty: Um... why?
Me: Because it's fascinating! I take notes on it, too, so that I retain the information better.
Betty: Kellie... only you. You know that you could take that as a class, right?
Me: I know. I will probably take it anyway. It is just that I have to wait too long and I'm not very patient.
Betty: Oh, God. You are such a dork.

ICP, lab test stuff and talk of exams. Exams... fun stuff... just kidding. During Theology, Toe Touches was in a very bad mood and then let people recite the Nicene Creed to escape detention for being tardy, except that none of them knew it.

Lunch consisted of being crazy, introducing Erik to important people, hunting down signatures with Betty, voting, talking maniacally about my love of the democratic process, and fixing the filing cabinet, which appeared to have exploded with things such as catalogues and the school phone listing from 2002. Which is kind of like my basement vomitting up all its infamous expired Diet Pepsi.

During Art, we watched a video with a crazy lady with big hair. She said crazy things.
Crazy Lady: Well, first I did her husband...
Me, dirty: Did you, now?

Pencil Case: I think Valley Girl Voice should draw herself with big mall hair.

Anyway, this involved realizing a great many random things about my face. First of all, it is mostly forehead, nose, and chin, or at least my profile is. My mouth is crooked and my eyelashes are short. My neck is long and very skinny. And I think I may have accidentally flirted with someone. Oh, God.

Yesterday in Art, Pencil Case and Pam had a very funny discussion about gay people in Colorado.
Pencil Case: Manitou Springs is, like, the gay capital of Colorado.
Pam: There are gay people everywhere, Pencil Case. They are taking over the world.
Pencil Case: Yeah, but not as much as they were in 2003...

Today I think I might accidentally-on purpose miss my bus and have La Mere pick me up at 5:30 so I can do my homework in the Commons, where I think better. Really, I love snuggling up at a lunch table with Poddly, Introduction to Sociology, and Mountain Dew from the vending machine.

Yesterday, Entertainment Weekly and New York Magazine came in the mail. Oh em eff gee. Cut to me dying of a magazine-induced seizure.

Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are married. That was out of absolutely nowhere.

And Jennifer Garner is pregnant. Well. They aren't even married yet. Living in sin, are we? Just kidding. I could care less about their life.

Everyone is so tall. Well, relatively speaking.

Biting my Nails

2005-05-09T13:40:00.000-05:00

Today has been okay. I am worried.

In French, we had French Frye come as a guest speaker. Well, first, Pencil Case said "amen" at the end of the Pledge of Allegiance.
Madame: You just totally killed the separation of church and state.

We were also supposed to have questions ready, but I did not. Therefore, I was somehow elected first to ask a question.
Madame: Kellie, you get to ask a question because we kind of chose you to go first.
Me: It was not "we", it was you, and it was not "kind of", you did. I don't have a question right now, can you get back to me on that?
(Of course, she never did.)

The rest of the day was pretty dull. Poppa G was greatly amused by my notice of the word "bashful" (long story) and the ICP and theology tests that I hadn't studied for were okay. Lunch was the usual with me drawing really not straight lines and Maggie and I eating Twix, and I'm actually thinking I understand what happened in math even though it involved Greek letters and ABC not talking.

Art... self-portraits... blergh. I have such small features. And my mouth is crooked. Or it might just look that way because I only have one dimple. Anyway. This assignment basically just brings all our facial flaws to light, doesn't it?

Me, during history, bleeding: I'm bleeding. May I please go to the Attendance Office and get a bandage?
Mr. Blaney: You don't need a bandage. Just let me lick that.
Me, scared: Um, no, that's okay! I'm going to go get a bandage! [Runs away to Attendance Office to get heckled by Trent.]

Champagne Supernova

2005-05-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

Today I am not going to be negative and I will talk only about things I love. So, I love having new favorite songs. Anyway.

Let's see... today was De La Baie Fest. Very fun. Dunk Tank was a success. Had totally random conversations with people and was elected official photographer. This means that I took pictures of:
1. Pencil Case trying to pose sexy.
2. Frau trying to pose sexy with Madame shouting that no one should ever see this picture ever.
3. People flirting.
4. Random Dunk Tank stuff I was told to take pictures of.
5. Cute boys.
6. Random things.
7. Erik wanting me to not take his picture.

Madame: So, you took 18 pictures and you have 24 on the roll. So how many do you have left?
Me, stupidly: Four.
Madame: No, Kellie. Six. Six pictures left.
Me: I told you I was mathematically retarded!

Also today, I salsaed with Elizabeth and later Brooker thought I was meditating, which was amusing. Then I told him the link to this blog, which he thinks he will never remember. We shall see.

I love having code words for things because it is fun to randomly go up to your peeps and say, "Oh, Peep, I have something to tell you later. It involves sugar, you know, in the lounge." However, when Erik points and loudly shouts, "OH MY GOD SUGAR IN THE LOUNGE!", that is not quite as fun. Because people start to stare. Not that they aren't to begin with.

Also, I love Reeses' peanut butter cup ice cream sandwich things that are pretty much the only thing I ate all day except for a chocolate chip cookie. Yes to healthy eating. Just kidding.

And I love talking on the phone with my Chelsea, who I miss so much.

I am trying to think of what happened in actual school today. During theology I read my sociology book, because I think I might be in love with that, too. During French we watched Pirates of the Caribbean and Abigail brought a most delicious, very sugary birthday treat.

Performance Evaluations? Sugar for the Lounge? Noooooo.

2005-05-05T13:43:00.000-05:00

Last night was pretty much the most fun I've had in my life. I'm going to make a very cryptic list of humorous things so that the people who were there can have a good laugh.

1. Betty: Maybe she's getting her performance evaluation...
2. Sugar for the lounge.
3. "Are you married?" "Nooooooo. [with dismissive hand gesture.]"
4. Boys on bikes.
5. Singing Spice Girls songs on the corner.
6. Maggie wheezes.
7. Fitting into lockers.
8. Mrs. Brown giving Betty and I Starbursts to make posters.
9. Playing frisbee.
10. Walking to the gas station.
11. Zen rock garden.
12. Laying on the blanket.
13. "Shut the oven!"
14. Erik: You look old.
15. Calling Chels until Betty's cell phone died.
16. Making code words.

Yes, that is my very cryptic list. You just never know who reads these things, do you?

Today, in which we get to dress up in red, white, and blue, has been not nearly as eventful as last night. I don't know what would be. French test was very, very easy, math test, not so much.

Madame: You're very meticular. Meticulous. Particular.

During English, we finally finished my least favorite book ever, Call of the Wild. Next we are going to read Romeo and Juliet, which I actually enjoy. ICP, study groups and whatnot. Theology, asked lots of questions to waste time.

Lunch was the usual event, except with ice cream.

Me: That person is very tall.
Erik: No, I think she is a nice height.
Me: Erik. We need to stop making veiled insults about my height.

Math, very hard test. Art, self portraits, blech. Study hall, I am braving my real study hall again, so we will see how this goes. I have history next hour, sans Chelsea, which makes me sad. Get better for tomorrow, my dearest darlingest Chelseaest Chelsea.

Tu es un clown.

2005-05-04T13:45:00.000-05:00

Today in French, we went down to the lab. This involved Madame saying random nice things to me, Paul calling everything he didn't like "ghetto", and Pencil Case being afraid of urban legends.

Paul: What are we going to do at the Ice Caves?
Maggie: I don't know, look at them? Just don't lick the walls.

Pencil Case: Great. Now I am afraid of cockroach eggs in my envelope glue, or rat urine in my Coke.

During English, Poppa G called Betty by her last name. Very funny. Then in ICP, Adult Hermione made fun of my sneezes, which was also amusing. She sneezed and I said, "bless you", and she replied, quite wittily, "My sneezes don't have anything on Kellie's, though."

Kid: Why won't you do a toe touch?
Toe Touches: Well... because I am fat, old, and decrepit.

The rest of the day has been very dull, except for when Pencil Case and I wrote a note back in forth in his sketchbook during art, and Artsie Tartsie freaked out at him for not having a sketchbook. Also, I had to demonstrate to the class where the neck is, because, you know, they don't know.

During the assembly today, Betty and I were so bored that we started doing commentary. And it involved teachers standing.
Me: They are all standing. It is so annoying.
Betty: I know! They are all fighting the urge to sit. Or to sleep. I mean, look at her. She looks like she is practically asleep, leaning against the wall.
Me: Ooh, ABC went down. Or I just can't see her.
Betty: Well, Mr. B-Squared is already sitting down.
Me: Oh, ABC is up again. Never mind.
This went on until Betty nearly fell asleep herself.

I would like to take this moment to annouce that Bubble Billions makes ba-billions of bubbles. Ahhh, childhood advertisements.

Betty and I are just going to bum around at school until the concert starts tonight, and then we're going to go to the concert. Yum. I am very excited.
Betty: We don't have any meat, though.
Me, sarcastically: Well, we can always walk somewhere and pick up a big ol' package of ground chuck.
Betty: Shut up.

[Expletive Deleted]

2005-05-03T13:50:00.000-05:00

So, today is Twin Day, and I am tripletting it up with Caitlin and Betty. Good stuff. We had to make T-shirts because none of us have clothing that is actually the same, and they say "I <3 Pink." Now, personally, I wanted them to say "I <3 Bagels" but was informed that the rest of the world does not share my extremist affinity for Jew pastries.

Anyway, during French, we made a Cingular commercial. Very funny. Abigail and I were obviously the short bars, and Paul was the tall bar. The rest of the morning was very, very boring until lunch. See, that crazy Madame went to Student Services to look at my schedule. Except we somehow miscommunicated and she just looked at my study hall (because, if it lines up right, I will get to hang out in her room instead of having to go to study hall) and my fourth hour class, rather than actually looking at the whole schedule.

Apparently I have study hall first hour first semester (oh God) and eighth hour second semester (which would align right.) I have history during fourth hour, the other appropriate study hall time and she could also recall that I have second-hour math.

Second hour math. What in God's name is wrong with this world?! Then she suggested that I switch my history class for my study halls. Which made no sense. First of all, I would have two different history classes each semester, which they probably wouldn't even let me do. Second of all, fourth hour is a good time for history. It's the middle of the day, I can appropriately focus. Seriously, though, she couldn't even remember what hour I had French.

Anyway, so due to my deep state of confusion, she e-mailed Student Services so that I could go look at my schedule during study hall to clear up the confusion. Except that they wouldn't let me because apparently they do not have study halls or lunches in for next year's sophomores. Well, evidently, they do if Madame got to look at it! Jesus. It is kind of process of elimination, anyway, isn't it? Anyway, they went on to say that they did not get the e-mail. Augh. Frustration. They were all, "Come back later in the week!" and I was all, "God. Just check your e-mails or just show me my incomplete schedule."

Other than that, today was pretty boring. I have just wowed my study hall with my typing capabilities. Pencil Case was a twin of his kick-ass Lamb Chop puppet, Jesse.

During history, when I was having some fun wandering time because I finished my stupid outline about Gorbechev and his birthmark (haha... Betty... Cranium...) and ran into Blumreich.
Blumreich: Who's here?
Me: I am.
Blumreich: No, you're not. Don't be silly.

Now Pencil Case is making fun of the contents of my French binder.