"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."


Fuzzy the Frog

Oh my goodness. What a day.

First, we had the Halloween dance planning meeting. Which was just Caitlin, Chelsea, and me. But Mrs. Brown, as usual, had crazy stories to tell.

Mrs. Brown: On the freshman retreat yesterday, Mrs. Smith didn't do anything. She wanted to play with these dogs she found. So she just hung out with the dogs all day.

Anyway. Then it was off to study hall. There were some pretty interesting announcements, which we of course all just made fun of.

Mrs. Smith: "A car was crashed into in the staff parking lot yesterday. It would be greatly appreciated if whoever was responsible would please see Mr. Brooker as soon as possible." Oh no! They caught me!

Geo/Trig was pretty entertaining. Paul is back and he and I are now feeling-like-crap buddies. Yes. That was exciting. Then Alyssa's dad came to class, gave her a Driver's Ed packet, and Mr. H didn't even notice, so we all laughed.

Mr. H: What? Do I have a hole in my pants or something?

Mr. H: Remember when your grade-school math teacher, Sister Mary Elephant or Football or whatever, taught you long division?

Anyway. Nothing makes me feel better than history class. Partially because Jacob gave me the most amazing cold medicine ever, Advil Cold and Sinus, since I sounded and felt like crap. However, I apparently opened it incorrectly, because he freaked out and walked across the room to open it for me.

Me, very annoyed because I like doing things for myself: Apparently being sick also makes me incapable of doing things for myself.
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: It's not because you're sick, it's because you're a helpless little girl.

Anna, looking at the Declaration of Independence printed in our book: Oh my god. How did they sign it so small?
Me: Anna. That's not how big it really is... it's changed to fit the textbook.
Anna: Okay, now I just feel stupid.

Mrs. Campbell: They were happy. They celebrated. They were like, "Celebrate good times, come on!" Or, you know, that other famous song, "Celebrate, celebrate, come on and celebrate." Do you guys know that song?
Anna: It's from the Celebrex commercials.
Mrs. Campbell: Oh, that's right. Wow... I'm special.

Mrs. Campbell: He was 33. I don't think that's old, but you probably do. Then again, in one of my classes a long time ago, I was talking about someone and what they did at the age of 26 and I was making a huge deal out of it and this kid goes, "So? That's old." And I said, "I'm 26!" because I was. And he goes, "Well, you're old, too!" [We laugh.] Can you guys think of someone who is 33? Other than Jesus?

Anyway. My personal favorite is the tangent story of the day. Which was caused, as usual, by me. This story took about twenty minutes of our class time. It is probably one of my favorite stories ever.

Mrs. Campbell: He was a beehive-kicker!
Me: Oh my gosh! Mr. Blumreich and I were talking about that yesterday. Does his cat really have three legs?
Mrs. Campbell: I think so, actually. Our neighbors used to have a three-legged cat, and they called it Tripod!
Me: Haha, that is what my friend Pencil Case suggested as a name for Mr. Blumreich's cat.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, I have a frog with a fuzzy hand.
Whole class: WHAT?!
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah... he had this virus thing, and now his hand looks like a cotton ball. He is left out from the other frogs, and it makes me kind of sad. They won't let him eat or swim at the same time he does. He is like a leper.
Me: What is the frog named?
Mrs. Campbell: Well. I call him Fuzzy. But that is actually just really mean.

You might think that was the end of the frog stories. No, you are mistaken. You see, it is all Mrs. Campbell's fault that her frogs are messed up. Because she is, according to the people who own the aquarium shop, the worst frog owner in the history of Green Bay.

Mrs. Campbell: All the frogs are apparently dying, though. My husband and I went to the aquarium store to see what we could do to help them, because they're very lethargic. The kids want them to jump and be really happy, but they do not jump because they are not happy frogs.
Me: Maybe because they are dying.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeahhhh. I'm sure that's a large part of it. Anyway. Apparently we are doing everything wrong. We told the aquarium people what we do and they are all, "NO! DON'T DO THAT!" and they flipped out at us. Apparently, we clean out the tank the wrong way and their systems go into shock because of it. We give them too much food and so it sits in the bottom of the tank and apparently that releases ammonia and that's why they're dying.
Whole class: This is horrible.
Mrs. Campbell: The best part is, the fish that we got to be friends for the frogs? They are the absolute worst kind of fish you can have with frogs. We looked it up on the Internet and the exact words were "These are the worst possible kind of fish to put with frogs."

So, because it is apparently not enough that the frogs are slowly dying, it is decided that the fish have to go. Now, before you begin to think that Mrs. Campbell's family is insane, I am going to make this statement: Mrs. Campbell's family is clearly just as insane as mine and I find it comforting to know that other people are indeed as crazy as my people.

Mrs. Campbell: So, we have to get rid of all these little tiger barb fish. And my husband decided he really wanted to flush them, but I insisted that we had to offer them to a few people first. But no one wanted them. So we told the kids that we gave them away to another family, but my husband really just flushed them. And you would think he would have done it right. But no. We go to Eliza's soccer game and then afterward, we come home, and it is Grace's bathtime. And she goes into the bathroom and announces, very nonchalantly, "There is a fish in our toilet." And I freaked out. So I look and, sure enough, there is a little fish tail waving in that part that's so hard to get with the toilet brush. So I very quickly said, "There is not a fish!" and I flushed it.
Whole class: Oh my god. You are crazy.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, it was so funny, the way she said, "There is a fish in our toilet." Like, "There is a gorilla in my bedroom." Like this is all perfectly normal. And then she kept saying, "But, I know there was one. Do you believe me?" and I, good mother that I am, said, "Well, I believe that you think you saw one." And she explained very calmly, "It could have swum up from the creek or something," because, she, like every child, has seen Finding Nemo. So I said, "Well, maybe you did see one, then."

Yes. I did not make any of this up.

Theology we talked about puke and Alex had orgasmic beans at lunch. Vicky got her ears pierced and they look very pretty.

English class, we just talked about our dream careers. Caitlin is going to be the dictator's wife and Allison is going to be a cannibal. Oh, and I accidentally hit Chelsea in the nose, but I didn't mean to and I am still very sorry.

Molly: Oh! I have a Helen Keller story! Well, kind of. One day in English class at HFS, we were talking about Emily Dickinson. And some kid goes, "Was she that blind girl that had no friends?" and another kid goes, "Nooo. That was Helen Keller!"

French was with Mademoiselle again. We learned L'imparfait, which was exciting, kind of. Pencil Case makes her very angry. And we antagonize her about having a crush on the theology student teacher, but she actually does not, or at least that is what she said.

During Comp Lit, a few kids, including Scott, got busted for cheating. Scott was highly upset.

Scott: I'm going to talk to Mr. Brooker about this.
Mrs. Pease: So go.
Scott: No, not today. Today is Thursday and that means tomorrow is Friday. I'll do it on Monday.

Anna, on the bus, as we drive past the water tower: Oh my god, you guys! Look... the water tower is gone.
[Everyone looks at the water tower which is, of course, still there.]
Everyone: No, it's not.
Anna: Oh. Well. Now I feel even more stupid.

Yes. What a day.


Post a Comment

<< Home