"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."

10.31.2005

Happy Halloween, Everybody!

Okay. Today was not really a good day in any way, shape, or form. I don't want to say anything because I know that people read this and I don't want to say anything that will get me in more fake trouble or anything I will regret. So I am just going to talk about the humorous parts of today.

Like my study hall cracking up at the thought of me even getting a referral. Thanks, guys. I'm glad you think I'm such a badass.

Mrs. Smith, reading my referral and laughing really hard: That is hilarious! That is so funny. [Stops laughing, looks at it, and starts laughing again.]

We got cake day during Bio today. Sometimes being in an easy class has its perks... i.e., Funfetti cake. I miss the good old days of everyone bringing Funfetti cake for their birthday treat.

Geo/Trig is nice. That class is very calm when Erik is gone.

Dan: So, do you hand out candy?
Mr. H: No. I don't get many trick-or-treaters.
Dan: Not even a little bowl of candy!?
Mr. H: Well, yeah... I put a little bowl of apples out. Apples... with pins in them.
Dan: Haaaaah. That's sick.

History was pretty calm, too. Jacob was not there, which is helpful.

Mrs. Campbell: I saw Jesus graffiti when I was running this morning. I was baffled. I was like, "Jesus graffiti? Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Wow, that is pretty stupid." It was almost as stupid as how Britney Spears has that religious tattoo that she's all excited about, but tattoos are one of the big no-nos in her religion. Don't you guys think that's funny?
Mark: I never heard that. How do you know that?
Mrs. Campbell: I read things.
Mark: Where did you read that?
Mrs. Campbell: Okay... So I didn't read it. I saw it on Best Week Ever. Shut up.

Best Week Ever as a news source? Yeah. We are definitely twins.

Theology was pretty crazy. We talked about that advertising video. I love that the same people talk all the time in that class.

Lunch is insane. Jacob told us of his escapades in New York, and we chatted about why I am having a bad day.

Me: But I don't want to talk to her. Then I will just get another referral for being disrespectful or making obscene hand gestures or whatever.
Mrs. Campbell: You make obscene hand gestures? Haha... so do I.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, all you have to do is make the sad girl face and say, [demonstrates in a highly dramatic fashion] "I can't believe you even think that of me. I can't believe it."

Jacob, talking about seeing an actress: She walked past me and I touched her! I touched her!
Mrs. Campbell: Was she running away from you?!
Jacob: No... well, kind of. Oh, shut up! It was part of the show!

Jacob: Yeah. I saw Movin' Out that night.
Mrs. Campbell: Awww! I love Billy Joel! [singing:] Movin' out!
Jacob: Um...
Mrs. Campbell, still singing: A bottle of red, a bottle of white!
Jacob: Yeah...
Mrs. Campbell, still singing: Uptown girl, she was livin' in an uptown world!
Jacob: Yeah. Only like ten times better.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, if I were that good, I wouldn't be sitting here.

Jacob: It was musically orgasmic!! I was like, [makes scary noises.]
Mrs. Campbell: Musically orgasmic... so it was an eargasm?

Um. Yes. Craziest people ever at lunch. I love it. Oh, and Pencil Case writes me crazy notes with crazy pictures addressed to crazy names. It is amazing, really.

Almost as much as I love English. That class is like a dysfunctional family to me.

Chelsea: That's the most mentally challenged thing I have ever seen.

Chelsea, Erik, and Me, constantly: I'm not a bad lady!

Stary: I only mock you because I like you.

Um. French was amazing. It was all orderly and stuff now that Mademichelle is gone. I loooooove it.

Madame: Allo? Allooooo?
[Pencil Case giggles for about ten minutes.]

Is Comp Lit even remotely worth talking about? No. And it never was, was it.

Usher's meeting was pretty fun, so was volleyball. The Estufas are 1-3, but that is okay because we have a lot of fun.

Rachel: This is my stern serious face!
[We all laugh at her.]

10.27.2005

"Well... I think we all know what the title of the blog entry is going to be today."

Today was quite fun. We have an Intramural Volleyball game tonight, which I'm sure will be profoundly exciting... and Pencil Case's birthday is tomorrow. So be sure to sing him "Happy Birthday" or "Feliz Cumpleanos" or "Bon Anniversaire", with or without the "Scooby Doo" part.

We got tests back in Bio today. That class is ridiculous. Dan got 100 and Joe saw and, of course, had to blurt it out to everyone.

Joe: WHOA! Way to go, Danny! [kidding:] You probably cheated off my paper, didn't you?
Mrs. Mayer: Somehow, I doubt that.

Geo/Trig station review is amazing. Alyssa and Erik are the best partners ever. We are officially amazing and doing the least possible amount of work to win.

History is my favorite.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, to get off the subject, which I always do and I know that I always do because you guys tell me that I do... I was getting my hair cut a while ago, and, sometimes the guy who cuts my hair is too honest with me. I asked him, "Do you think if I go too blonde it will make me look old?" and I kind of wrinkled my forehead, like this [demonstrates.] And he said, "No, but if you keep making that face, you will."

Mrs. Campbell: They thought that the American people were stupid. And you know what? They were right.

Anna: What was the average death age in that time?
Everyone: Death age? What are you talking about?
Anna: Life expectacy... ecstacy... expense... no. Expectancy.

We watched a very creepy video in theology. Apparently there are companies devoted to collecting information for every consumer in America. Whhhhhat. That is freaky.

Lunch is crazy.

Chelsea: Mr. Brooker, can I call you Jamal?
Brooker: Well... as long as other people aren't around, sure.
Chelsea: That is cool. I'm Shaniqua.
Me: And I'm Shanaynay.

Mrs. Campbell: Yeah... my sister got married over the summer, and she refused to take her husband's last name for a while. She was all, "It dates back to when men owned their wives, like they were property." And I said, "Ohhh my god. It doesn't mean that any more. Just take his name." So a few days later, she called me and said, "I'm taking his name." And I said, "Oh, that's great!" And she said, "But I just wanted you to know... I'm also changing my first name to Shaniqua."

Mrs. Campbell, to Chelsea who is hobbling around on crazy-big crutches that aren't even hers: Chelsea, did you eat paste as a child?
Chelsea: No... but I ate that yellow stuff that people use to stick up posters.
Me: Poster tacky? Well, I ate snow a lot. But then my mom told me that if I ate too much I would have to get my stomach pumped, so I stopped. [Side note, for my mother: I am really sorry if this never happened. I remember it vividly but it could be one of those vivid memories I have of things that never happened.]
Mrs. Campbell: I always ate sidewalk salt in the winter. I would just pick it up and eat it. It was pretty good.

Anyway. I don't even know where to start with English class.
1. Everyone in that class has ADD.
2. I got called "pregnant crack ho" yet again.
3. Kids like to hide porn pictures in the back cabinets.

Stary: Oh my god. Why do you all have ADD today? Is it in the air? Is ADD a communicable disease now!?

Stary, about 'The Bells': It's like, BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS.

[Chelsey is laughing, shocked.]
Stary: Are you okay?
Chelsey: Yeah... there's just... something back here.
Stary: Something?
Chelsea: Something... dirty.
[Stary goes and looks at the piece of paper that is sticking just a little bit out of the cabinet. Some crafty little miscreant stuck a porn picture back there. He seizes it and folds it so we can't see it and puts it under the Kilroy paperweight. About five minutes of giggling and babbling takes place and Stary tries to get us to do the impossible, focus.]
Caitlin, after the laughter has subsided: Wait-- what was the picture of?
Stary: It was porn.
Caitlin: [squeals and buries her head in her hands.]

French is just grand... well, it will be on Monday!

Me: So, Madame, did you ever eat anything funny when you were a kid?
Madame: What?
Me: Did you ever eat anything funny? Like grass or something?
Madame: Did you just ask me if I did grass when I was a kid?!
Me: NOOO! If you ate anything funny. Like grass.
Madame: Ohhh. No. Well, I know all you American kids eat paste. But I am Russian. The only funny thing I ever really ate were icicles, I guess.

Yep. Americans eat paste and Russians eat icicles.

Comp Lit was pretty exciting. Mr. Lagerman was our sub. I actually kind of miss his class. Actually, I just miss having a slack-off theology class. But, still, Pencil Case and I took this opportunity to sit next to each other and partake in harassing-the-annoying-freshman and random giggling.

I love my bus forever. I might actually kind of miss it a little when I get to drive to school... oh, wait. That's NEVER. Sorry. I forgot.

Diana: When I was four, I used to play sex with my three-year-old neighbor.
[Long silence and then everyone starts admonishing her at the same time.]

Anyway! Intramural volleyball: The Estufas are one and one! Oh... and Erik gets hit in the head and flails every single game. And we, having no pity, just sit and laugh.

10.25.2005

"Then she developed this bizarre affection for... plastic."

I love life. Today was seriously psychotic. It all began before school in the Commons with two of my absolute favorites ever, Alex and Pencil Case. They had to read Fall of the House of Usher for their own crazy English class, and they were not happy, let me tell you.

Alex: So, the guy had an, um, mental disorder?
Pencil Case, in a ridiculous voice: We call that retarded nowadays.

Pencil Case, reciting the opening lines of the Madeline books: And the youngest of these girls was named... [makes a ridiculous face and belts this:] Maaaaaaaadeliiiiiiiine!

Joe: Hi, Pencil Case.
Pencil Case: Yo.
Joe: Um... no. We do not do that. We do not say "yo," we do not say "sup," we do not say "fo' tizzle my nizzle."

Yes. Fo' tizzle... don't even ask me.

Study hall was the usual. The people in that study hall are absolutely crazy. As are the people in my biology class. All that class consists of is back-sassing, and it definitely does not consist of listening. For all of us. And Geo/Trig today was mainly Mr. H making crazy and obscene noises and also pretending to be emo. Really, everything in the morning would seem so much funnier, but I don't think it is any secret to any of you what I shall talk about next.

History. Okay. That class is amazing. We get a lesson, which is usually pretty fun, and then just spend the rest of class talking and telling ridiculous and obscene stories, which is even more fun.

Mrs. Campbell: I have perfect vision during the day, except for reading. If I read without my glasses, I get nauseous and throw up. But I have awful night-vision. You know, you never really know how well you see because you don't know how well other people see... yes, you guys, these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. [We laugh.] But, seriously, don't ever drive in a car with me at night. One night, I was driving, and I said to my husband, "You know, I don't really think I see very well." Which is not a good thing to say to someone when you are driving.

Erik: How are your frogs?
Mrs. Campbell, after a long pause: They all died. Not all at once, but one right after the other.
Jacob: Are your kids sad about it?
Mrs. Campbell: No, not really. They know that we will buy them new ones, so they just fight over who gets to flush it... I'm not really sure what that's about, but they seriously argue. "You don't get to flush it! I do! You did it last time!"
Jacob: That is pretty strange.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, I think Olivia cried once. But then I said, "Well, you can flush it." And she got all happy and said, "OKAY!!"

Jacob: I think that there are opinions that we all agree upon. Like, okay... let's agree that all those pictures on the far board are good but obviously made by children.
Mrs. Campbell: Um, call me a mean mom, but some of those aren't very good at all. I mean, look at that one [points to one.] What is up with that neck?!
Anna: What is the one on the far left?
Mrs. Campbell: Oh... that is our fish tank. It is actually pretty good if you have ever seen our fish tank. I mean, it has the little filter and there is the tiger toy at the bottom, because we always let the kids pick a McDonalds' toy to put there.
Me, laughing: Okay, why exactly do you do that?
Mrs. Campbell: Because we are way too cheap to buy them real fish tank toys.

Then we started talking about children raised in isolation and how they are even more messed up than, well, even more messed up than the people in that class.

Mrs. Campbell: There was this one girl, and she was locked in a room all the time and her dad wouldn't talk to her, he would just bark at her. And all she ever got to play with was, like, Tupperware and shower curtains. So then she developed this bizarre affection for... plastic. Once, they took her out in public and she saw a man in a raincoat and she went up to him and attached herself to him. That was all thanks to that whole shower-curtain-thingamawhatzit.

We also got two in-class worksheets.

Caitlin: You like worksheets.
Mrs. Campbell: No, I just hate trees.

That class is so ridiculous. Oh, and according to Mrs. Campbell, she and I are "twins... or sisters... brothas from anotha motha... only we are sisters from anotha motha." Okay then.

Theology was actually not so bad today because we didn't really do much. Lunch is always fun. Alex wasn't there, though. She had an appointment. And she got her back brace back on... but it is only a temporary thing before they figure out what is actually going on. Hopefully. So that cut down on our fun a little bit.

English is ridiculous.

Stary: Yes, Kellie, thank you for only writing the things on your blog that will get me in trouble.

We then discussed torture methods in great detail, which is always exciting. Haha and Caitlin drew me a cartoon of me tormenting people with Barney tapes... she is one of my all-time favorites ever. We love our demented bus conversations, especially in the mornings when we are half-awake and even more crazy than when we're fully awake.

French is sooooo obscene. That class very much aggravated me today. But... three more Mademichelle lessons. Only three. I cannot wait until we get a certain crazy individual named Madame back to teach us. And here is why.

Pencil Case: Do you think in English?
Madame: No.
Pencil Case: What language do you think in, then?
Madame: Swahili.

Madame: Then I will hang it up and cover up the senior pictures. The beautiful people... The young and the restless.

Yes. Next week, that class is going to be 800000x more fun. I miss the good old days when Mademichelle just sat in the back of the room, cowering in fear at the thought of actually having to teach our merry band of infidels.

The bell once again completely undermined Pease's authority today during Comp Lit. Which is probably the only interesting thing that will ever happen in that class ever.

10.24.2005

English class means talking about breasts.

Today was not that bad for a Monday. I love my study hall. Jacob has to be the nicest person ever. I love talking to him.

Jacob: Kellie, your costume was amazing!! Seriously. You look so much like her. I've never noticed it before, but you do.
Me, rolling my eyes: I have heard that, like, seven times already today.
Jacob: But it's true! And it's a compliment!

Awww. Thank you, Jacob.

Anyway. During Bio I got my note saying that I made "house crew" for fall play. Which is just a super-fancy way of saying "usher." I don't really care what I'm doing, so long as I get to go to the cast parties.

History class is amazing. It is really just story time with my twin Mrs. Campbell.

Mrs. Campbell: Our neighbors moved across the street and so their property taxes went up $4,000.
Anna: Why would you move across the street? That is pointless.
Mrs. Campbell: Well. She wanted a mudroom... I don't really know what the whole thing was about. Maybe her kids are really messy or something. [Anna and I crack up.] But now they are not in the ghetto part of our neighborhood, where I live. They are in the nice part.

Mrs. Campbell, after a long story about taxes: Why am I even telling you guys about this? Seriously. I don't even do my own taxes. I don't know anything about taxes. I have to take care of a million more things, I don't want to fill out forms. I'm just the dumb wife. I let my husband do those things.

Mrs. Campbell: NATO was a group of people who hated Communism. [A bunch of us crack up.] Well, it was!

Mrs. Campbell: We pay education taxes because, well, basically, if only the people who had kids in school paid school taxes, everyone would be paying tuition. And we can't do that... We'd have a lot of really dumb people running around if we did.

Theology is just ridiculous and so is lunch. However, during theology, I did get to look at super-cute pictures from the dance that I will be stealing as soon as possible.

English is psychotic. Today, Stary came in clutching fresh-off-the-copier sheets to himself because that is his new hobby. Then he called me a "pregnant crack ho" (in jest, in jest... it's a long story and involves Chelsea making up songs, which is never pleasant to think about.) And then he said the word "breasts" way too many times for comfort.

Chelsea: Stop talking about boobs, Mr. Stary.

Chelsea's dirty mood continued on into French class, where we learned the imperatif.

Mademichelle: Imperatif is commands. Can anyone think of a command?
Pencil Case, blurting: Feed the dog!
Me: Raise your hand!
Mike: Haaaa. That was a good one.
Chelsea: Oh! I have one! "Spank me!"
Mademichelle: ...No.

Pencil Case: Well, what if someone was like, "'Close the door,' said Martin, 'The lions are coming!'"

Anyway. Chelsea also got yelled at for making faces at me... wtf. Four more Mademichelle lessons, though!

Comp Lit was the usual madness. That class is almost half over... woohoo. That is exciting news. Anyway, a few minutes before the bell rang, we were all just standing around and talking.

Mrs. Pease: KIDS! Sit down until the bell rings!
[Bell rings, totally undermining Mrs. Pease's authority, and Pencil Case and I crack up.]

After Comp Lit, Pencil Case had to pick up a posterboard from Mrs. Brown and so he made me come with so we could look at pictures of ourselves. Okeydokey. I love the horrible comments Mrs. Brown makes sometimes.

Anyway. Today was very, very not bad for a Monday.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

This weekend was absolutely, positively amazing. First, on Friday night, Pencil Case, Chelsea, Alex, Elly, Tiffany, Phil, Mike, Sam, Greg, and I went to the Morgue. It was so fun. First, there was the car ride with the East-siders, Alex, Elly, Tiffany, and me.

Alex, looking at a coat lying on the ground: OH MY GOD! Is that a dead person!

Alex: I was worried that it would get cold. So I put three pairs of socks on... and now I can't feel my toes.

Alex, sarcastically: Yeah, Kellie and her mom don't get along at all.
Mom: Definitely. We never get along. Ever.
Tiffany: Yeah. She always comes to school and she's like, "Oh my god! My mom is such a meanie! She doesn't let me eat cookies!"

Tiffany: I would definitely join the circus if an opportunity arose.

Tiffany: I frickin' hate kids. First of all, they're ugly. Second of all, all they do is whine and cry and scream and drool all over themselves and make a mess out of everything.

Anyway. After that lovely car ride, we all met up under the giant light and went in line. Where we met a crazy drunk girl named Cassie. I don't even know what ot say about her. She was crazy. And drunk. And I feel that is enough elaboration. She took our picture and then we all went through the woods.

After the woods, there is a giant field with a bonfire, concessions stand, and a giant movie screen, where you wait until your number is called to go through the house. We waited for about an hour and a half and that was pretty interesting.

Drunk Cassie, to a random person at the concessions stand: I remember you from camp! Vegetable camp!!

Along with Drunk Cassie, we also met someone dressed up as a zombie and an escaped-convict gorilla... don't even ask. The whole time, Pencil Case and Alex were freaking out. Then our number, 191, was called and we got to go into the house. Which was pretty exciting. The best part is the giant slide at the end. It really isn't very scary, though. By the time we got out, it was about midnight and we went home.

Saturday, I slept very late. Then, Mom and I went on our crazy balloon romp, which I don't think I even want to explain. It is ridiculous and obscene. And I hate it when balloons pop at random.

Then it was time to go to Chelsea's to get ready for the dance. Chelsea was Millie from Thoroughly Modern Millie, Abigail was a bunch of grapes, Pencil Case was Mr. Brooker, and I was Mrs. Campbell. We all looked pretty amazing. And, as usual, crazy conversations took place.

Mary: Chels!! Where are the pipe cleaners?!
Chelsea, talking to Abigail as she pins balloons on: Well, now we gotta pin some on your abdomen.

We also could only pin balloons to Abigail's front so that she could ride in the car to the dance, so when we arrived at the dance, very early, we had to finish pinning things to her back. Abigail is the best damn bunch of grapes I have ever in my life seen, let me tell you.

Anyway. The dance. It was probably the greatest dance of my entire life. First of all, Mr. Brooker and Mrs. Campbell were there. And they thought our costumes were hilarious. (Although I think Mrs. Brown was probably the most entertained.) This resulted in a great many random comments from the two of them.

Brooker, to Pencil Case: Do you want to hold the brethalyzer?
Pencil Case: Sure!! Actually, can I take a breathalyzer test?
Brooker: Sure. [Pencil Case takes the test and, of course, is not drunk.] Look at that... Mr. Brooker is sober.

Brooker: Nice tie.
[I would just like to mention that he is wearing an identical tie today.]

Mrs. Campbell: Oh my god! You are me! I mean, Mrs. Brown told me... but, wow! That is amazing. [Later, after we notice that we both only have one dimple:] Awww. You even have the dimple!

Anyway. Pencil Case and I definitely won the costume contest. Woohoo! What did we win, you may be wondering? Well, ten dollars each. And bragging rights. Which is more than enough for us, really.

And Abigail won the pizza/subs for our lunch table!! Woohoo!

After Zoo Boo, Madame, Frau, and a bunch of German kids arrived. So we talked to Madame for a bit.

Pencil Case: Was Zoo Boo fun?
Madame: Well. Let's see. We handed out candy to children. In the rain. In costume. For four hours. At the zoo.
Me: I like that "at the zoo" is the worst part.

She also brought us the facial expression of the night while watching the video for My Chemical Romance's "Helena." Best face ever.

The three best comments of the night would have to be these, though:

Vicky, who is dressed up like Jan from Grease, all night long: Brush-a-brush-a-brush-a!

Alex, as her green Elphaba makeup begins to come off: I'm meeeeeeeelting! I'm meeeeeelting!

Mrs. Brown, walking into the Commons and giggling hysterically: Keishia's undressing!!!!

Yes. Life is amazing. Have a good Monday, everybody. ♥

10.21.2005

Alyssa and I are the best poets. Ever.

Oh my gosh. Today was highly entertaining and hysterical.

During Bio, we talked about Mrs. Mayer's car, the infamous lime-green Saturn Vue. (I always wondered who drove that thing. Because, pretty sure every time my mother drops me off to school, she has something ridiculous to say about the color of it.)

Joe: Yeah, I saw you on the way home yesterday. My sister had to go somewhere to get something.
Me: Could you be a little more vague?
Joe: Well, I knew it was you because you are the only person I know who has a car like that.
T.J.: What car is that?
Mrs. Mayer: It's a lime-green Saturn Vue.
T.J.: I know that car... it looks like a booger.

Geo/Trig, we had a crazy substitute and a practice test and I wrote a very long note to Caitlin, which I gave to her in history class. Which was crazy, as usual. We got our tests back and I am officially, according to Mark, a curve-breaker. Oops. My bad. Anyway, that class consists mostly of harassing each other and people shouting randomness from the hallways.

[Mark and Alyssa raise their hands for questions.]
Mrs. Campbell: Oh, would you look at that! Nobody has any questions!

Mark: These were hard questions.
Mrs. Campbell: What can I say, I got 100 percent in Tricky Question Writing Class in college. I was the valedictorian of that class, actually. I was amazing.

Alyssa: Well, if Thomas Jefferson wasn't at the Treaty of Paris, where was he?
Anna and Erik, in genuine seriousness: He died.
Me: Yes, and then he was ressurrected to become president a few years later.

During lunch, we got new Tritonians, which provided quite a bit of entertainment, and Vicky was an evil, horrible backpack spiller. That girl makes me laugh. And Abigail is my favorite. She is going to be the best damn set of grapes in the history of the world on Saturday.

English is my all-time favorite. Today, instead of being productive, we just wrote poems using the letters of each others' names. They were great.

Stary: Does anyone else have a name... beyotch?
Person Who Shall Remain Anonymous: Joe Brooker!!!

Greg, trying to think of something for "Phong": Asian!
Whole Class: Greg, there isn't an "a" in Phong.

Stary: How about the J in Jillian?
Me: Joyous, downright!
[Stary writes 'joyus' on the board.]

Anyway. They were so entertaining. And Alyssa and I are the most amazing poets ever.

French was okay. We had a past participle quiz and then we watched Disney Sing-A-Longs. But mostly Chelsea was singing. And dancing. And putting gloves on her ears. Pencil Case is still in isolation and now gives Mademichelle the silent treatment. But, next Friday, Mademichelle is gone. Can we say, "merci dieu."

And now we are in Comp Lit, which is its usual crazy self. Pencil Case says hi.

10.20.2005

"Hi! I'm Hodgy!"

Hmm. Today was pretty exciting if I do say so myself, particularly for a day with an assembly. Study hall and bio were pretty much the usual, and the assembly was kind of a joke.

Renee: What is the assembly about?
Me: Solar panels.
Renee, in the most sarcastic voice I have ever heard from her: Oh my god! I'm so excited! I love solar panels! I wish we could talk about solar panels every day!

Yes. The assembly was kind of a big joke. And then they made us watch this crazy video hosted by a kid with a crazy, ridiculous voice.

Crazy Voice Kid, kicking off the video: Hi! I'm Hodgy!
Entire Auditorium: [laughter.]

Then they gave us crazy 80s sunglasses afterward. Oh, and Bloomy said his goodbyes and it was super depressing. And quite a few people cried. Which is always fun.

Geo/Trig was great. All we did was make fun of the assembly.

Mr. Havlichek: How about, I give the whole lesson in a Hodgy voice?

Dan: I feel like ZZ Top in these sunglasses!!
Mr. Havlichek: Yeah. All you need is a beard that swings back and forth and a spinning guitar.

Everyone, at least seven times, trying to attempt the Hodgy voice: HIIIII! I'M HODGY!!!!

History is amazing. I loaned the one and only Jacob my notebook, so he sat at the table and made faces at me and hummed and wrote me a note for the whole class period. Oh, and apparently, my notebook is amazing, which makes me happy because I take great pride in my note-taking skills.

Mrs. Campbell, whispering: Whose notebook is that?
Jacob, whispering back: Kellie's! Look at it!
Mrs. Campbell, still whispering and now reading the notes: Oh my god. These notes are amazing. And her handwriting is beautiful!
Jacob, still whispering: I know!! It's fabulous!
Me, innocently taking my test: What now?
Mrs. Campbell and Jacob, in unison: This notebook is amazing!
Me, elated but pretending to be humble: Oh, no it is not! You guys are just being nice!

Yes. That made me happy. I am glad that other people appreciate my anal-retentiveness about notes and my ghetto version of outline format. And Jacob, being Jacob, sent me ridiculous notes through all of class. What a guy.

Theology is just ridiculous. Today we talked about the voices in people's heads. Sure. Okay then. I don't think I want to know about the voices in anyone's heads, particularly not the majority of the people in that class.

Lunch is also rather obscene. Say what you want about the other cafeteria food, but any type of potato made in that cafeteria is simply astonishing. Oh. And also, we probably have the most ridiculous authority figures of any school, anywhere.

Chelsea: So, Mr. Brooker, are you chaperoning the Halloween dance?
Mr. Brooker: Yes, of course!
Chelsea: What are you dressing up as?
Mr. Brooker: Hmm. I don't know yet.
Me, sarcastically: You could always go as Freddie Mercury!
Chelsea: You should go as... ummmm... a coconut!
Mr. Brooker: Why?
Chelsea: Because you're nutty! Ha ha!

Then we had Public Performances. Lip syncs are amazing. The "My Heart Will Go On" one, with the iceberg being evil in the background and a boy in a dress is probably the best one, ever, hands down.

English is one of the best parts of the day. All we did today in class was discuss scary stories, being scared, ghosts, and scary things that have happened to us.

Erik: I think the scariest thing that happened to me was... well, okay, at my dad's house, we always leave the doors unlocked for some reason. And one night, it was summer, and I was sleeping on the couch, and the doors were unlocked as usual. Aaaaand... [all of us are expecting something really scary] a drunk guy walked in. I was so scared. And then he sat on my feet and started talking to me. And that's the end of my story.
Monica: No, no, it's not-- how did you get rid of the drunk guy!?
Erik: Oh. My dad came and told him to leave, I guess.

Anyway. I told the infamous Santa Claus story, and Alyssa thought that was just the most humorous thing ever.

Alyssa: I just figured out what your locker sign is going to be, Kellie. It's going to be a picture of Santa. And then, on the bottom, it will say "BOO!"

Katherine: Oh my god. I was watching Oprah the other day, and she was talking about rapists! She was like, "These people are on the loose and they are going to come and steal your children!" And now we live out in the country, and we have five acres of land and no neighbors, and I'm so worried that someone is going to come into our house and steal me.
Stary: Gee. Thank you, Oprah!

French is ridiculous. Pencil Case is now in an isolation desk permanently. Wtf, Mademichelle?! Lest you think he spent a whole class not being a disruption, he still managed to be a disruption.

Did you know that his real name is Benji Pancake [secret last name that only I know]? Yes. True story.

Anyway. I don't think I've mentioned Chelsea's ridiculous drawings, have I? Oh my dear god. They are truly insane. They look like Napoleon Dynamite drawings, and so far, she has done them of me, Erik, Pencil Case, Stary, Mr. Schultz, Kelsey, and Mademichelle, and they are hysterical. The one of Mademichelle is by far the best.

Comp Lit is so so obscene. Scott likes to demonstrate how low the sophomore boys wear their pants, which is, um, unnecessary. And Pencil Case yells my name at me across the room, but I cannot see his head, as it is covered by the computer, and so that leads to a lot of confusion. Concepts Checks can also feel free to bite me.

Good luck tonight, football team!

10.19.2005

"Teletubbies costumes? Seriously? What size are those bad boys?"

Today was pretty boring. Classes were shortened, because we had mass. Led by Fr. Larry. Oh. Dear. Lord. His homilies are enough to send me over the edge. And it isn't that there are a lot of words. It is the long, elaborate pause/breaths he takes every three words. First, though, Pencil Case and Chelsea fought to have the aisle seat across from me.

Pencil Case: Ha ha! I got it!
Chelsea: You just want to sit by Kellie!
Pencil Case: So do you.

Yes. I love it when my friends fight over me. It makes me feel loved.

Chelsea: He needs to cut down on the Hostess snack cakes.

Geo/Trig was pretty exciting. I did a problem up on the board and knew I got it right and didn't feel stupid, which made me happy, because, well, needless to say, that clearly would not have been the case last year. Thank god for math that actually makes sense.

History was review game and I yet again got to be scorekeeper. Which is insane. Anna cracks me up. "IT'S NOT OPEN!" And I love how that class manages to turn into a sing-a-long just about every other day.

Mark: So, were you at The Party?
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: Oh, definitely. When the cops came, I hid in the closet. Then I snuck out and jumped out the second story window. Then I hid in the woods for three hours. And I got busted on my way home.
Mark: That's cool. Was Mr. Brooker there?
Mrs. Campbell: Of course. He and I went together. Duh.

Lunch was, um, interesting.

Vicky: I got a job offer from Target. So I have to go pee in a cup for them to prove I'm worthy.
Alex: Well... it's a good thing I know you're talking about a drug test.

We got new seats in English. Although I am very sad not to sit in the back corner by Erik and Chelsea anymore, I now sit by Alyssa, Krista, and many other still fun people. Although I sit in the front row. Hmm. Oh well.

French was exciting. Pencil Case made Mademichelle very angry, and Madame was quite angry with Katia, her daughter. See, Madame made her a gorgeous and very elaborate Halloween costume and she was very proud of it.

Madame: You know how much work I put into that costume, right?
Me: Of course! It was beautiful! Did Katia like it?
Madame: Yes. But she liked her ninety-nine-cent shoes more. I am so unhappy with her right now, Kellie.

Then the Golden Apple people came in. I think they were kind of afraid of our class, and with good reason. Then Mademichelle got extremely furious with Pencil Case, who was making throaty "rrrr" noises and fighting with her, and sent him to solitary confinement in a desk that he dubbed Siberia. Madame, ever the bearer of hard-core punishment, tried to reprimand him, too, but just ended up laughing and then needed to know my opinion on which color she should buy a skirt in. Oh man. Anyway. 7 Mademichelle lessons to go.

Comp Lit was pretty much the same. The most annoying freshman ever resides in that class. Some day, that child is going to get his ass kicked, and all I am going to do is laugh. I will not have one iota of sympathy, because, if anyone deserves to get his ass kicked, it is that kid.

After school, I had the Fall Fest planning meeting. Some of my favorite people are at those meetings. Today, it was Alex, Chelsea, Elizabeth, Mrs. Campbell, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Smith, Frau, Erin, and Nikki, who was the only senior since all the other ones left. It was pretty exciting. People in those meetings say the most random things.

First, all the wax paper got stuck to Chelsea's caramel apple. And she was eating it anyway. This really worried me, so I tried to pull off the wax paper, but instead, the whole apple came off the popsicle stick. That was really entertaining, and you kind of had to be there.

There were also our highly random conversations, when we weren't discussing top-secret Fall Fest week plans. Oh, and Charlie called Frau's cell phone, like, eight times.

Mrs. Brown: We should make those big cut-outs. Like that one of you, from your modeling career.
Mrs. Campbell, very quietly: Shhhhhut up.
Everyone: Um, what is this now?
Mrs. Brown: What was the ad for? ShopKo?
Mrs. Campbell: Yes, it was ShopKo. And it was me, and my kid, and it was the most ridiculous picture ever taken of me. I look so ridiculous. My eyes were closed, just like they are in, oh, every picture, but this one was the worst. Because they weren't closed all the way. I looked drugged. I looked like a drugged ShopKo mom.

Me, grabbing water bottles: Would anyone else like one?
Chelsea: I would!
Mrs. Campbell: Could you get one for me, too, please?
[Me, pantomiming throwing it at her.]
Mrs. Campbell: Please don't throw it at me! I'm on drugs, remember?!

Chelsea: I would do that.
Mrs. Smith: Well, Chelsea... you are a very. Um. Special sort of person.

Mrs. Campbell: I was thinking about that during church.
Me, laughing: Way to set an example.
Mrs. Campbell: Whilllle I was praying.

Mrs. Brown: I had no idea what was going on in that article. The language was a little difficult.
Nikki: You're an English teacher.

Anyway. Bloomy came to visit us for a while, skipping out on his real meeting all because he wanted a brownie. What a fun guy. We told karaoke stories, and then Mrs. Campbell and I had another of our random conversations, this time about Teletubby costumes, because, yes, I do in fact own them. Then Charlie called Frau again. Then Elizabeth had to leave, then Chelsea did. Then the meeting was over, after a lot of time talking about things that had absolutely zero to do with Fall Fest, and I went to see Pencil Case at play practice.

Well, first of all, practice got out early, which was nice because Pencil Case and I had to go hunt for the perfect tie. And, while we were shopping, he did indeed find it. But not after a crazy car ride with his mother, Mary.

Me: Why is your name and phone number on the ice scraper, Mary?
Mary: That was Pencil Case's idea when he was little. Don't ask me.

Anyway. After finding the perfect yuppie tie and an amazing yuppie sweater, we went to the food court and ate some pretzels from Auntie Anne's and discovered that the cheese sauce there has anchovies as one of its ingredients.

On the way home, we stopped at Krispy Kreme, after I un-child locked the car doors. Pencil Case was going to order Mary the wrong doughnut, since she sent us in to get some. But then I reminded him that it was custard.

Mary: It better be custard. It better not be that gross white cream.
Pencil Case: I would never order you the wrong thing!
Me: Only because I reminded you.
Mary: Did you get napkins?
Pencil Case: ...No.
Me: I remembered them.
Mary: See, Pencil Case? Women remember these things. Kellie is good at this, you are not.

10.18.2005

"Hyperbolas are parabolas that are on drugs!"

Oh man. I love Geo/Trig. It is my favorite math class of my entire life thus far. First of all, Alex always delivers notes and so she comes bringing stories for me.

Alex: I have the most ridiculous group for theology. Matt, Kyle, and Gavin. Seriously, Kellie, I swear to God, all they talked about today was all the drugs they've done, all the times they've been arrested, and how they fight with Indians--- and yes, they actually did talk about fighting with Indians.

Then we talked about the favorite conversation of this weekend.

Alex: Should I do the MySpace layout with vertical or horizontal stripes?
Me: Well, the vertical one is much cuter. Plus, horizontal stripes will make your MySpace look fat.
Alex: Oh, good point!
Me, after a long pause: Alex, that was a joke.

Yes. Alex is the smartest ditz you will ever meet. Anyway, then we were talking about our beloved ellipses, hyperbolas, and so forth from Algebra 2. That is probably the one thing I retained and did well in in that class.

Mr. Havlichek: A hyperbola is a parabola that is on drugs.

Anyway. History was pretty exciting because apparently kids these days don't know what hemmorhoids are.

Tim: What's a hemmorhoid?
Mrs. Campbell: Oh, god... well, you guys are going to learn a lot today, aren't you?

Anna and I also had a really long conversation about all our good times at SMS.

Anna: Remember that one time when Matt was freaking out and talking about how the kids in the other math class were busy watching The Sharon Osbourne Show in the library and then Mrs. Wilke wouldn't believe him so he left the room and she started to cry?
Me: And we were the advanced math class.
Anna: Yeah... we also made her cry when we wouldn't stop singing "The Coconut Song" from The Lion King, remember?

Oh St. Matts. How little do I miss you.

Lunch was pretty interesting. Chelsea went to get a Three Muskateers bar at the vending machine but hit the wrong button and got M&M's, so she was sharing them.

Pencil Case: Look, this one's all tiny!
Me: Did you just say, "This one tastes like brain tumor"?
Pencil Case: Um... no.
Me: Are you serious?
Pencil Case: Yes.

I still swear that is what I heard. Anyway, then Chels and I went to the Atrium, where there were very amusing conversations to be had about things like Yoga Time in French class. (Which we haven't had yet this year due to a certain Mademichelle.) Then we got into a really big conversation with Mrs. Campbell about clothing, style, and the absolute brilliance of the Express Editor pant. But then it was time for English.

Stary had yet another costume in English today. Oh man. We were not quite as amused as we were last time. We have to write a poem for Monday. That's pretty exciting.

French was okay. Probably one of the better days we've had with Mademichelle teaching. Pencil Case stuck out his hand for Mademichelle to give him a high five, but she just stared at it, appalled, as we all laughed at her.

High fives were the order of the day for Pencil Case the whole way to Comp Lit. Ohhh my gosh. That class. Do not even get me started. After school, I had to go drop something off for Madame, and we had a very long discussion about hair.

Madame: I want to have soft waves.
Me: You do know how ridiculous that sounded, right?
Madame: Seriously, I am never cutting my hair again.
Me: You will look like a hippie.
Pencil Case: If you're going to do that, you need to buy, like, a bajillion cats. Plus, Madame, you just have a short hair head. One of those heads that needs short hair.

I love my bus so much. And now that volleyball season is over, Alex is on it! Yay. All we ever do is make fun of Diana, which Anna is the best at. It's not the most difficult of arts, though, I'd have to say.

10.17.2005

Smurfs are three apples tall, not four. You learn something new every day.

Oh today was pretty interesting for a Monday. Actually, overall, it was pretty boring. But, you know, there is always the usual NDA gossip. And, you know, to the bazillion kids who got caught, all I have to say is, they deserved it. I mean, if you're stupid enough to be that obvious, you're clearly stupid enough to get caught. Oh well. It's really just a typical incident at this school.

Alyssa, after I gave her a crazy "Mom, there's a Flaten in our toilet!" locker sign: Si! Si, si! Si!

Anyway. I love that I busted my butt to write two things for today that weren't even due.

Bio test, which I completely forgot about, was pretty easy. I am officially the worst at labeling diagrams, though. I think I just made things up that seemed vaguely correct for the entire last page. But, since it is, after all, a Bio B test, I did just fine.

Geo/Trig was problem solving. I love that.

Erik: Do you have a calculator?
Me: No, sorry.
Erik, no more than five minutes later: Do you have a calculator?
Me: Erik, why would my answer have changed in the last five minutes?

History, we were all kind of mopey since it was raining and we just weren't feeling like our random selves. Oh well.

Lunch was pretty mopey too. Chelsea officially has the craziest cartwheeling/breakdancing skills I have ever in my life witnessed. And she tells the most ridiculous mean jokes.

English was okay. Again, we were all kind of mopey. We had to go line up with the sign that represented the Emily Dickinson poem we liked the best/understood the most. First of all, I cannot stand Emily Dickinson at all. Second of all, when I was sitting around, representin' "The Soul Selects her own Society" with Katie and Steven, I got a little bored and said, "Hey! Dry-erase boards are a good way to dispel boredom." So I wrote, "Sup Homeslice?" on the board.

Stary: Homeslice, Kellie? Homeslice?!

French was pretty entertaining. We had to recite the stupid poem. That was pretty invigorating. Personally my favorite rendition was Pencil Case's.

Pencil Case: Il a mis son chapeau sur sa tete... something about a coat... il est parti and something about rain.

Pencil Case: Jill is a Smurf!
Me: Did you know that Belgium has this new PSA with Smurfs running around getting blown up? It is an anti-nuclear warfare message.
Mademichelle: That's great, but we are not talking about that right now.
Pencil Case: She's a Strawberry Shortcake!!

Pencil Case: Can I do number one?
Mademichelle: You can if you don't say a word for the rest of this hour.
Pencil Case: Never mind.

Anyay. Nine days until Mademichelle leaves. I'm pretty pumped.

Comp Lit was the usual.

Mrs. Pease: Please turn to the puke green section of the book.
Hannah: Ew... don't say that.
Mrs. Pease: Fine. Please turn to the pea green section of the book.
Hannah: If your pee is that color, you have some medical conditions you need to take care of. Why does it have to be a bodily function? Why can't it just be Christmas tree green?!

After school, I had to go get my study guide for history. That was pretty entertaining, as usual.

Pencil Case: Kellie, how tall is a Smurf?
Me: Four apples tall.
Pencil Case: No, Kellie. Three. Three apples tall. Don't you know anything?

Mrs. Campbell, as if I would know where the study guides are: Kellie, where did I put the study guides?!
Me: I don't know. I can't read your mind.
Mrs. Campbell: Thank god for that! You'd probably be scared of me.

Anyway. We ate some very good toffee and Pencil Case, as usual, asked a million questions.

Pencil Case, pointing to a picture: Is that your family?
Me: Nope. She just found a picture of some random people and stuck it to her filing cabinet.
Pencil Case: Wow. You guys all look happy.
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: That's because we're at church.
Pencil Case: Oh! My mom and I were going to get our church picture taken but then we decided that we don't go enough.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, they still put you in the book whether you go to church or not.

Anyway. This conversation brought to mind good times laughing at our parish picture book with my mother. But I did not share those because I don't think anyone really needs to know how mean my mom and I are. Seriously, those parish picture books are like yearbooks. If yearbooks totally sucked in every possible way.

I hope you are all going to the Halloween dance. Pencil Case and I have thoroughly amazing costumes planned.

10.14.2005

Someday, my mom is going to get quick 50'ed.

Tonight was insane and disappointing. We lost. But, you know what, many humorous things were said, and so that makes me feel better.

Random Little Girls, to Pencil Case who has a green mustache drawn on himself: You look like a girl. A girl with a mustache.

Then we went to Barnes and Noble. Of course, we listened to Bat Boy, because we always do and because it is hilarious. I wish Pencil Case would just go buy it already. Anyway. We sat around and gossiped and talked about dirty things.

Erik: Josh sits there after his shower and flexes his muscles and, like, caresses his biceps in the mirror.

Anyway. Then my mom came. Sadly, this did not put a crimp in our sex talk. She was quite entertained by it. Even more sadly, my friends were quite thrilled to discuss it with her. Then it was time for the car ride home, which was just more very humorous sex talk. Seriously, half the things my mother said cannot be put on here because I will get Quick 50'ed/put in Child Protective Services. Anyway. Chels is still naive, Pencil Case does a booty shake walk and hits windows, and, to sum up the car ride in one phrase: "mechanical bull."

Chelsea, shouting: Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Yo, Slut. Wuzzup?

Ohhh my goodness. Could this week get any more entertaining? Oh yes it very much could. And the Preble-NDA game is tonight!! I better see all you there, because this is the biggest, hugest, most important game of the year. And, also, we're going to win. Or at least we had better. I know that even if we don't win, we'll still be an amazing, phenomenal team, and you all better not act depressed and emo about it so long as we tried our hardest.

But, still, I'm thinking our hardest? Is going to kick theirs.

Anyway. Today was actually pretty boring in the morning. The executive board meeting was pretty exciting. I am on the Fall Fest planning committee, so that is fun.

Mrs. Brown: I have one of those men on a stick in my front yard.
Mrs. Mellberg: A straw guy?
Angelina: Um... are you guys talking about a scarecrow?

During Geo/Trig, Mrs. Mellberg made her presence known in the French room, which is next door to our Geo/Trig classroom, by screaming, "HIIIIIIII MADAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!!!"

Of course, now we shall discuss history. Jacob drew a very elaborate representation of yesterday's infamous story on the board and then Mrs. Campbell came in and laughed.

Me: How are the frogs now? Are they doing any better?
Mrs. Campbell: I think so. Fuzzy's hand is still fuzzy, though. I'm hoping it will just fall off.
Someone: Oh, then it will match that other frog that got its hand chewed off by the fish.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, it will! If Fuzzy's hand falls off and I can still find it, I will put it in a Ziploc bag and bring it in to show you guys.

Yes. That conversation pretty much explains why our school is insane in the best possible way. All of us are definitely praying for Fuzzy's hand to fall off now.

Mrs. Campbell: Seriously, though. The frogs are doing better. And you guys better not make fun of me. You know what I did to fish. Think of what I could do to you... And then Grace would walk into the bathroom and say, "Mom, there's a Flaten in our toilet!"
Alyssa: Thaaaaaanks.

Mrs. Campbell, holding up a WWJD bracelet: Is this anybody's? See, this is my dilemma. I want to take it and give it to my daughter... but I'm guessing that stealing is not what Jesus would do. It's a big problem.

Mrs. Campbell: Women sometimes fought in the Revolutionary War... they would pull a Mulan.

Caitlin: Once, at my old school in South Carolina, my teacher told twenty girls, "Two of you are going to be pregnant before you are twenty! And then you will get abortions! And then you will go to hell!"

Anna: That's really funny that her name was Molly Pitcher and she delivered water. Haha.
Everyone: Anna... that was her nickname.
Anna: Wow. I've been really stupid lately.

Anyway. After conversations about people getting their heads blown off and people whose names fit their careers, it was time to go, much to our dismay.

Alex took some really humorous pictures at lunch and I cannot wait to see them. They are going to be hilarious.

English class was hysterical. First, Caitlin was appalled and horrified by the idea that Emily Dickinson may have been a lesbian.

Then, after feeling inadequate and pulling his over-shirt thing over his face but failing the first time, Stary confessed to reading my blog. (Hi Stary.) The conversation went something like this:
Stary: I've seen what you guys write in your notes. "Yo, Slut. Wuzzup?" And [looks at me] I've seen all the things you write on your blog. And Chelsea, you need to update more, woman.
Me: You said you weren't going to read it. You said that you didn't want to know the details of the teenage mind.
Stary: Wellllll. My curiosity got the better of me. Also, of all the funny things I say, why do you write the ones that make me sound the most stupid and dorky?

French was okay. I wish that class would get back to the way it used to be. Sigh.

Me: I have retainerth and they make me thound thtupid.
Madame: They do not.
Me: I thound like I have a lithp.
Madame, laughing: Haha. You kind of do... it's funny.

Madame: This is what I am hearing: Blah blah blah blahblahBLAH.
Me: That was a very cute song.
Madame: Well, I'm cute.
Me: And modest, too.

Pencil Case founded a new nickname for Mademoiselle, too. Mademichelle. It is very catchy.

I hate comp lit so much. It is completely stupid and also useless. And this one freshman in that class? Needs to go away. Seriously. Like, now. I cannot stand him. He is rude, immature, and somehow thinks that people actually like and are amused by his loud, boorish behavior. Which they are not. It's so irritating.

Anyway. On the bus, we played paper-cracking games that were pretty stupid and much funnier when people failed at them. Okay... when Diana failed at them. I love my bus so much.

10.13.2005

Fuzzy the Frog

Oh my goodness. What a day.

First, we had the Halloween dance planning meeting. Which was just Caitlin, Chelsea, and me. But Mrs. Brown, as usual, had crazy stories to tell.

Mrs. Brown: On the freshman retreat yesterday, Mrs. Smith didn't do anything. She wanted to play with these dogs she found. So she just hung out with the dogs all day.

Anyway. Then it was off to study hall. There were some pretty interesting announcements, which we of course all just made fun of.

Mrs. Smith: "A car was crashed into in the staff parking lot yesterday. It would be greatly appreciated if whoever was responsible would please see Mr. Brooker as soon as possible." Oh no! They caught me!

Geo/Trig was pretty entertaining. Paul is back and he and I are now feeling-like-crap buddies. Yes. That was exciting. Then Alyssa's dad came to class, gave her a Driver's Ed packet, and Mr. H didn't even notice, so we all laughed.

Mr. H: What? Do I have a hole in my pants or something?

Mr. H: Remember when your grade-school math teacher, Sister Mary Elephant or Football or whatever, taught you long division?

Anyway. Nothing makes me feel better than history class. Partially because Jacob gave me the most amazing cold medicine ever, Advil Cold and Sinus, since I sounded and felt like crap. However, I apparently opened it incorrectly, because he freaked out and walked across the room to open it for me.

Me, very annoyed because I like doing things for myself: Apparently being sick also makes me incapable of doing things for myself.
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: It's not because you're sick, it's because you're a helpless little girl.

Anna, looking at the Declaration of Independence printed in our book: Oh my god. How did they sign it so small?
Me: Anna. That's not how big it really is... it's changed to fit the textbook.
Anna: Okay, now I just feel stupid.

Mrs. Campbell: They were happy. They celebrated. They were like, "Celebrate good times, come on!" Or, you know, that other famous song, "Celebrate, celebrate, come on and celebrate." Do you guys know that song?
Anna: It's from the Celebrex commercials.
Mrs. Campbell: Oh, that's right. Wow... I'm special.

Mrs. Campbell: He was 33. I don't think that's old, but you probably do. Then again, in one of my classes a long time ago, I was talking about someone and what they did at the age of 26 and I was making a huge deal out of it and this kid goes, "So? That's old." And I said, "I'm 26!" because I was. And he goes, "Well, you're old, too!" [We laugh.] Can you guys think of someone who is 33? Other than Jesus?

Anyway. My personal favorite is the tangent story of the day. Which was caused, as usual, by me. This story took about twenty minutes of our class time. It is probably one of my favorite stories ever.

Mrs. Campbell: He was a beehive-kicker!
Me: Oh my gosh! Mr. Blumreich and I were talking about that yesterday. Does his cat really have three legs?
Mrs. Campbell: I think so, actually. Our neighbors used to have a three-legged cat, and they called it Tripod!
Me: Haha, that is what my friend Pencil Case suggested as a name for Mr. Blumreich's cat.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, I have a frog with a fuzzy hand.
Whole class: WHAT?!
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah... he had this virus thing, and now his hand looks like a cotton ball. He is left out from the other frogs, and it makes me kind of sad. They won't let him eat or swim at the same time he does. He is like a leper.
Me: What is the frog named?
Mrs. Campbell: Well. I call him Fuzzy. But that is actually just really mean.

You might think that was the end of the frog stories. No, you are mistaken. You see, it is all Mrs. Campbell's fault that her frogs are messed up. Because she is, according to the people who own the aquarium shop, the worst frog owner in the history of Green Bay.

Mrs. Campbell: All the frogs are apparently dying, though. My husband and I went to the aquarium store to see what we could do to help them, because they're very lethargic. The kids want them to jump and be really happy, but they do not jump because they are not happy frogs.
Me: Maybe because they are dying.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeahhhh. I'm sure that's a large part of it. Anyway. Apparently we are doing everything wrong. We told the aquarium people what we do and they are all, "NO! DON'T DO THAT!" and they flipped out at us. Apparently, we clean out the tank the wrong way and their systems go into shock because of it. We give them too much food and so it sits in the bottom of the tank and apparently that releases ammonia and that's why they're dying.
Whole class: This is horrible.
Mrs. Campbell: The best part is, the fish that we got to be friends for the frogs? They are the absolute worst kind of fish you can have with frogs. We looked it up on the Internet and the exact words were "These are the worst possible kind of fish to put with frogs."

So, because it is apparently not enough that the frogs are slowly dying, it is decided that the fish have to go. Now, before you begin to think that Mrs. Campbell's family is insane, I am going to make this statement: Mrs. Campbell's family is clearly just as insane as mine and I find it comforting to know that other people are indeed as crazy as my people.

Mrs. Campbell: So, we have to get rid of all these little tiger barb fish. And my husband decided he really wanted to flush them, but I insisted that we had to offer them to a few people first. But no one wanted them. So we told the kids that we gave them away to another family, but my husband really just flushed them. And you would think he would have done it right. But no. We go to Eliza's soccer game and then afterward, we come home, and it is Grace's bathtime. And she goes into the bathroom and announces, very nonchalantly, "There is a fish in our toilet." And I freaked out. So I look and, sure enough, there is a little fish tail waving in that part that's so hard to get with the toilet brush. So I very quickly said, "There is not a fish!" and I flushed it.
Whole class: Oh my god. You are crazy.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, it was so funny, the way she said, "There is a fish in our toilet." Like, "There is a gorilla in my bedroom." Like this is all perfectly normal. And then she kept saying, "But, I know there was one. Do you believe me?" and I, good mother that I am, said, "Well, I believe that you think you saw one." And she explained very calmly, "It could have swum up from the creek or something," because, she, like every child, has seen Finding Nemo. So I said, "Well, maybe you did see one, then."

Yes. I did not make any of this up.

Theology we talked about puke and Alex had orgasmic beans at lunch. Vicky got her ears pierced and they look very pretty.

English class, we just talked about our dream careers. Caitlin is going to be the dictator's wife and Allison is going to be a cannibal. Oh, and I accidentally hit Chelsea in the nose, but I didn't mean to and I am still very sorry.

Molly: Oh! I have a Helen Keller story! Well, kind of. One day in English class at HFS, we were talking about Emily Dickinson. And some kid goes, "Was she that blind girl that had no friends?" and another kid goes, "Nooo. That was Helen Keller!"

French was with Mademoiselle again. We learned L'imparfait, which was exciting, kind of. Pencil Case makes her very angry. And we antagonize her about having a crush on the theology student teacher, but she actually does not, or at least that is what she said.

During Comp Lit, a few kids, including Scott, got busted for cheating. Scott was highly upset.

Scott: I'm going to talk to Mr. Brooker about this.
Mrs. Pease: So go.
Scott: No, not today. Today is Thursday and that means tomorrow is Friday. I'll do it on Monday.

Anna, on the bus, as we drive past the water tower: Oh my god, you guys! Look... the water tower is gone.
[Everyone looks at the water tower which is, of course, still there.]
Everyone: No, it's not.
Anna: Oh. Well. Now I feel even more stupid.

Yes. What a day.

10.12.2005

I don't even know what to title this post because of all the random hilarious things it involves.

Ohhhh my dear lord. You might have thought today would have been boring, what with having only three hours of school, all of which were the PLAN test. But, no. First of all because I was there with Pencil Case and Wolfae until 5ish. And we did random crazy things like go to Atlanta Bread and wander around the school bothering some of the most humorous people ever.

[Poppa G drives by.]
Vicky: Let's ask Poppa G for a ride to ABC!
Me: We are not asking Poppa G for a ride in his little priest car.

Elizabeth: We were playing hangman after the test today... and A. went up to the board and goes, "This word has a double meaning." And it was cantaloupe. And we were like, "Um, how does that have a double meaning?" And A. said, "You know, like those deer that run through the desert?"

At ABC, Pencil Case had a huge unground chunk of pesto in his bite of pasta and freaked out and spat it out. Back into the bowl. It was revolting.

First, Madame kidnapped us and made us make 60 Religious Certification Packets for herself and her co-workers. We had to borrow Mr. Schultz's staplers, who are named Stanley and Quill. He named them that so he can remember which staple brands go with which stapler. Anyway, this conversation took place during the stapling extravaganza.

Pencil Case: Why can't we call you G-Unit?
Madame: Because it makes me sound FAT.
Me: Can we call you G-Funk?
Madame: No... I don't like that. I don't like words that begin with F.

Madame: What's-his-face. The guy with the green suit.
Me: Mr. Blumreich? One of your, oh I don't know, best friends? You can't remember his name?
Madame: Uggggggh I'm tired.

So then we had to go return the staplers to Mr. Schultz, which involved many funny conversations.

Mr. Schultz: What did you guys need them for?
Me: We were being slave laborers and helping Madame put together religious certification packets.
Mr. Schultz: Oh... those things are crap, anyway.

Anyway. He had a big paper grocery bag of candy and he let us have some of it while we bothered him with stupid questions. Then Brooker came in and was all, "why are these hooligans in here?" and Mr. Schultz replied, "Oh, they are just here for the candy!" and pointed at the paper bag. Brooker, instead of just tilting the bag to look at it like a normal human being, stuck his head in the bag to see. That made me laugh for about an hour.

Somewhere after that, Pencil Case conned Fr. Dane into giving him one of his school pictures... I still don't quite know what that is about.

Anyway, after bothering Fr. Dane for a bit, we bothered Blumreich. This is always fun because Mr. Blumreich is very fond of just inventing things to make us laugh.

Me, holding up a picture his daughter drew: This is really cute. What is it a picture of?
Mr. Blumreich: It's a map!
Me: A map of what?
Mr. Blumreich: A map of a map. It's a really crappy map, too. But I couldn't say that to my kid. I couldn't be like, "That's horrible. Do it again!"

Mr. Blumreich: I have a cat with three legs. We used to have a cat with diabetes but I just got tired of giving him two shots a day and so we put him to sleep.
Pencil Case: I know someone who has a cat with one eye.
Mr. Blumreich: Yeah, I am used to crazy cats. My mom ran a no-kill cat shelter in our house when I was a kid. So we had all these one-eyed and three-legged cats. It was called the Lighthouse. It was a beacon of hope for three-legged cats.

Mr. Blumreich: I've always wanted a three-legged cat statue... but I don't think it would stand up.

Pencil Case: [Tells the now-infamous dog treats story.]
Mr. Blumreich: Wow. Were they Beggin' Strips? Those are the only dog treats I can ever imagine being good. They seriously look like real bacon! Anyway, I will have to talk to Madame Geyer about that because I really don't think dog treats are good for her. I mean, my brother, when we were kids... he ate dog food like it was popcorn or something. And my mom let him!

Anyway. After bothering Estufa for a while and talking about Boubeniders and writing ridiculous things all over her wipe-board, we went to play practice. The play is going to be so good and I am very pleased with it. It will be very very funny.

After the play, we were all leaving and Liz had a fake-fur purse and Kelly G-Funk freaked out.

Kelly G-Funk: That better not be real fur.
Liz: I don't know... the tag says "fox."
Kelly G-Funk: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! I am so ashamed of you.
Me: Wait. Fox spelled "f-a-u-x?"
Liz: Yeah.
Me: Kelly G-Funk, she meant faux. She thought it was pronounced fox.

Anyway. Play practice let out over half an hour early and Pencil Case and I had no rides coming for quite some time so we went up to Kelly G-Funk's room to "help her". Which meant, again, more writing on the wipe board. Pencil Case drew his infamous Estufa sea monkey.

Pencil Case: Doesn't it look like her, in a caricature sort of way?
Kelly G-Funk: Sure... I guess. [Squints to read the board. Long pause.] Why does it say sex monkey on there?
Pencil Case and Me: It says sea monkey!

That made me laugh almost as hard as bag head Brooker.

For all you ND people who read this blog unbeknownst to me, I would really appreciate if you tell me that you read it and hopefully enjoy it. It would be greatly appreciated.

10.11.2005

Now With 100% Less Braces.

Wow. Today was a highly enjoyable day. For all those of you who have braces: getting them off = lots of fun and lots of compliments. And your teeth feel all shiny and your gums feel gigantic and, for a while, you feel like you just have the hugest teeth in the world even though you actually do not.

Anyway. My Bio lab partners = extremely entertaining.

Chloe: I love your teeth... oh my god. That sounded really stupid, didn't it?

Chloe, looking into the microscope: WOW!
Polly: What? Was it moving?
Chloe: No! But I can see it!

Anyway. I love Geo/Trig. Mr. Havlichek and Kathleen are fascinated by my sneezing. Apparently they are going to do a study on me all year to see if I ever sneeze less than three times. Okay then. And there were, ahem, rather interesting things to be seen that I am not putting here.

History class, as usual, takes the cake.

Mrs. Campbell: Wait, Kellie-- there's something different about you.
Me: Yes?
Mrs. Campbell, thinking: Did you have braces?
Me: Yes.
Mrs. Campbell: Did you have braces yesterday?
Me: Yes.
Mrs. Campbell: Oh my god! I have never ever gotten it on the first day before. Usually I ask kids if they got their braces taken off and they are like, "Yeah... two months ago."

Jessi: Yeah... apparently we can't wear turtleneck sweaters anymore. I got a detention for one! Detention! For a turtleneck!
Mrs. Campbell: Well, technically, it wouldn't be against Dress Code if you wore it with a polo underneath and stuck the little lapels out of your turtleneck. You would just look like a huge nerd.
Anna: I'll do that!
Me: I'll pay you to do that just so I can laugh.
Anna: Okay!

(Anna will do anything if you pay her. No, seriously. She drank this gross flour-y water once because Frau gave her a dollar. A wholllle dollar. Imagine that.)

Anyway. We then watched this obscene movie that all the other history classes watched. It was a bunch of random celebrities reading the Declaration of Independence including Winona Ryder, who does not blink, and Whoopi Goldberg, who has no eyebrows.

Mrs. Campbell: There are a lot of people in this movie, like Mel Gibson and the Chinese lady from ER and Winona Ryder before she stole all those clothes and Renee Zellweger.
Anna: Is Renee Zellweger going to be squinty?
Mrs. Campbell: Is she ever not squinty? I swear, her face is always, like, stretched back. [Demonstrates Renee's face by pulling her skin back, squinting, and trying to smile.]

Alyssa, upon seeing "P.O.W.'s" on the board: Pow! Pow! Pow!

Yes. I love that class so much. We actually do accomplish things sometimes. I swear.

Theology was just more talk of the Posse, and Alex had "Parkinson's" during lunch. Anyway. There was no calling myself derogatory names in front of our beloved associate principal today, so that was an improvement.

Stary had some rather humorous stories to tell us during English.

George: How do you become a fencing master?
Stary: Well... you have to go through this training program and then a bunch of other masters decide whether or not you are worthy. (Molly and I crack up, thinking of the nerdiness of this.) Oh, be quiet.

Stary: I took ballroom dancing in college. So did my friend Matt. He had a teacher named Vivian who was a man.

Then there were dorky hand gestures that were supposed to demonstrate sailing and the words "hard crunchy bits" were used way too much. Oh and the word "secrete" apparently makes me laugh. That is something I did not know about myself.

You know what I do not like? When Madame abandons us with Mademoiselle for an entire French lesson. Especially when I have things to tell her. Oh well. She ended up seeing my lovely chompers after school anyway when I ran into her and declared that I am now "her little Kellinka all grown up." Ohhhhkay G-Funk.

Well, I guess something did happen. Pencil Case started singing "America" from West Side Story and this deeply aggravated Mademoiselle. Then he made it into the "Gender Song", which made me laugh.

Chelsea, just babbling and making randomness: They are totally going to have sex. Actually, they've already had sex, like, five times. [Long pause.] They told me.

Comp Lit is completely and totally ridiculous. At least we got to listen to Death Cab (ohhhhyes!), but I have to say that being called "a good girl" seriously makes me want to go on a rampage and flip the bird. And I wish I could sit next to Pencil Case in that class.

What a day, what a day.

10.10.2005

"Those are dog treats!"

Oh my goodness gracious. What a day. It all started when I got to school and ran into Pencil Case and Tiffany.

Tiffany: Have you seen Alex? I had a dream about her. She was pregnant and she told me that being pregnant was "the cool thing to do."

That made me laugh, but Tiffany always does. Then Alex, Caitlin, and I went to sit in the Commons. Alex had about ten minutes to mend a poster for English.

Alex: Aughhhhh! I need tape! Tape tape tape!
Me: Let's say "tape" a few more times.
Caitlin: Tape-ity tape!
Me: Tapeworm!
Caitlin: Haaaa--- ew.

Then it was time for study hall followed by Bio. Chloe and I say some pretty funny things during Bio labs.

Chloe: How would you describe the cytoplasm?
Me: Well... it's goopy.
Chloe: That was highly scientific.
Me: I know.

Me, looking into the microscope and seeing moving blobs: Ahhhhh! It moved!!
(Polly cracks up at me.)

Geo/Trig was pretty funny. Well, not in an intentional way.

Mr. H: Paul is very sick. He has mono, the kissing disease... I guess he was kissing the wrong person or something. (All the kids laugh.)

Oh my goodness. History, Paul's mono was again mentioned even though he's not in that class.

Jacob, being a dramatic hypochondriac: Ohmygod. I'm sick again. I can't handle this!
Jessi: Maybe you have no immune system because you have AIDS.
Jacob: OHMYGOD OHMYGOD. MAYBE I DO HAVE AIDS.
Caitlin: Jacob, why would you even be concerned about that?
Mrs. Campbell: Settle down. First of all, you wouldn't have AIDS, technically. You'd have HIV. Second of all, you probably just have mono or something.
Me: Yeah. Were you kissing Paul?

Mrs. Campbell: I don't correct in red pen.
Caitlin: Why not?
Mrs. Campbell: Because I think it's mean and evil.

Erik: What did the Postmaster General even do?
Mrs. Campbell: Um, he supervised the postal workers... duh. (Laughs.) I have no idea what the Postmaster General did.

Anyway. Christine and I have way too much fun laughing at absolutely nothing during that class. Honestly, we spend so much time laughing, and I cannot even begin to explain why some of these things are funny. Mostly because they're just completely random and I'd be taking them out of context when they didn't even have any context in the first place.

Lunch makes me laugh.

Me, really loudly, as Brooker walks by: I'M SUCH A HUGE SLUT.

Alex is definitely a pig, too. And Katie told my favorite kind of Y stories, Preston stories. Apparently his new thing is to walk into the girls' changing hallway. Oh Preston.

English class we talked about death again. And Chelsea kept saying things in her man voice. Then Erik was obsessed with the word "sepulcher" but couldn't spell it.

Chelsea, in the man voice: I see dead people. They are buried eeeeeverywhere.
Me: Even I thought that was morbid.

Anyway. Then I told stories of Alice B. Toklas's dumpster grave but it was soon time for French. During French, we had to memorize a poem in five minutes. No one actually succeeded but I got pretty far and so Madame announced that I got cookies for some reason. I thought that was pretty cool. So I went back to get my cookies but I waited to eat them.

Pencil Case: Kellie, eat your cookies or just give them to me, seriously.

So I put a bite of them in my mouth.

Madame: You weren't supposed to eat them during class!!!! (Suddenly starts laughing so hard she is tearing up and turning red.)
Me: Ohmygod. What?
Madame: Those are DOG TREATS!

Well, everyone but me found this quite hilarious and laughed for a very long time. I made my favorite obscene hand gesture of fist-pounding at them.

Whole Class: Why did you give her dog treats?
Madame: Because she always makes fun of me for eating dog treats! She is always like, 'Madame, that is very disgusting.'

Anyway. It was all very entertaining. In the end, she gave me real candy because she felt bad. When Pencil Case and I left for Comp Lit, she was nibbling on one of the dog treats herself. Oh God. Pencil Case was then determined to tell everyone that I eat dog treats.

Pencil Case: Kellie eats dog treats!
Me: I was misled. I thought they were cookies.
Mrs. Pease: My mom ate monkey food once. She thought it was nuts.

Anyway. In case that wasn't insane enough, my bus is even crazier.

Diana: I used to have glitter tights from the Gap.
Lauren: My mom has glitter tights!!!

Caitlin: Did you know that you can pluck your leg hairs? You can! And the roots come out and everything! The hairs are, like, an inch long!

10.06.2005

Alex Doesn't Know How To Order Coffee.

Tonight was an extremely enjoyable beginning to the weekend. First, Chelsea and I went to see Corpse Bride. It was very good, and funny, and a little morbid. I want a dog like Scraps. But I thought it was very, very short.

Afterward, we met up with Pencil Case and Alex at B&N. They could not go to the movie because they had Swing Choir practice and volleyball, respectively. But once they got there, it was highly entertaining.

Alex: Do they serve ice cream here?

Alex: I'm going to Preble's homecoming.
Pencil Case: Don't get an STD.
Me: That's Bay Port.
Pencil Case: Well, don't get F's.

Finally we coerced Alex into getting a vanilla bean frappucino. However, she had no idea how to order it and kept messing up. Then we threw the sizes in and we just lost her.

Alex: I want a small.
Pencil Case: A tall.
Alex: No, a small.
Me: Alex... Alex. Tall is small.
Alex: God! I'm so bad at this whole cafe thing!

Alex, two minutes later: Is it "vanilla bean" or "bean vanilla?"

Alex, after scooping all the cream out of her Frappuccino onto a napkin and having Pencil Case put it in his latte: My frappuchachinoa is so good!

Anyway. We had some very hilarious discussions about things like Linley, things Pencil Case never had to tell us, and other such topics. Then we thought we saw Tiffany, but we didn't. After our random and hilarious conversations, none of which I can post here, we went and looked at CDs and books until it was time to go home.

In the car ride, Alex, Chelsea, my father, and I talked about vomit. We are still in debate over who actually caused this topic. I still maintain that it was Alex's fault for even asking about chicken nuggets in the first place. Anyway. We dropped Chelsea off and then Alex had some stories to tell.

Alex: We watched this really stupid video in history today. It was, like, Winona Ryder reading the Declaration of Independence and she was all stoned-looking. Then, after it was over, Mr. Schultz got really hyper and yelled, "YAY! INDEPENDENCE!" and we all just looked at him like, "Whatever, bud." He was really disappointed, I think.

Oh what a night. I ♥ weekends.

Dog Treats and Jacob's Scary Picture

Oh my gosh. I love French Club. And I love that attendance has gone completely down now that we no longer have doughnuts. And I love that we are listening to Guster in Comp Lit. Guster will always make my heart happy.

Madame: Are we going to do dog treats? I have a recipe.
Sammi: Yeah. Tell the kids what dog treats taste like, because apparently you eat them.
Madame: I do not eat them. I taste them.
Me: Do you ingest them?
Madame: Well. Yes.
Me: Then that is eating.
Pencil Case: What do they taste like?
Madame: Graham crackers. Actually some of them taste better than graham crackers. You have to buy the upscale dog treats, though. Like Eukanuba.

Anyway. I love my Geo/Trig class. We just make up crazy "sohcahtoa" chants to out-shout the French I class next door. Okay, Jacob next door, but you know what I mean. And, I heart trigonometry.

But you know what I heart even more than trigonometry? More than just about anything? You guessed it. History. First, class didn't start for about five minutes because Mr. Brooker was there, being a serious distraction. But then he left, and so we had to play our lovely quiz review game. Oh and Jacob was writing things like "Depression (The Grat)" on the board so he was on the tail end of quite a bit of harassment.

Basically, we were paired up and we had to run to the board and whoever wrote the right answer first won. It got to be quite competitive, especially when it came down to Anna and Mark. Haha and my quick writing skills make people laugh, as does Joe's writing period. "Ummmm... I see an R there!" Sure you do. Also, Mrs. Campbell has the most ridiculous hand gestures I have ever in my fifteen and a half years witnessed.

Then we had a lovely lesson about the battle of Lexington and Concord.

Mrs. Campbell: Wait--- what did Paul Revere say?
Everyone: "The British are coming."
Mrs. Campbell: Well. Thank you for telling me. I was about to gallop around the room shouting "the Redcoats are coming."

Mrs. Campbell: The Minutemen probably weren't very happy, after being woken up by, you know, horses and the like.

Mrs. Campbell, singing: Somebodyyyyyyyyyyy shot!

Mrs. Campbell: It was like a bar fight. Someone knifed someone and then all of the sudden people who had nothing to do with the knifing were smashing chairs over other people's heads.
Jacob: Um, how would you have any idea what a bar fight is like, anyway?

Anyway. Before class, Jacob had left his hugest school picture (8.5"x11") taped to Mrs. Campbell's computer screen. So she went back to her desk and screamed at the top of her lungs upon seeing it. We just laughed at her, but then we pretended to be concerned for a few minutes. Then we laughed some more. Jacob didn't understand why it was so scary so I was forced to be the decider of whether or not it would have been scary if I had walked back there not knowing it was back there. And it actually probably would have been.

Jacob as the whole room goes silent for once, in an Asian accent: I am Oriental!
Whole Class: Jacob, you're a racist.

Anyway. Mrs. Brown sat in on our theology class today! That was very exciting.

Mrs. Brown: If I look like this when I'm in Heaven, I'm not gonna be happy!

Lunch was pretty funny too.

Pencil Case: [something mildly humorous.]
Alex: [Laughs with everyone else, then adds:] What?

Then Chelsea decided to be Liza Minelli again. Through all of English and French, too. Oh well. In English, we filled in bubbles for the PLAN test interest inventory. Pretty sure I gave just about every single one a "dislike", because I don't have any interest in designing a bird feeder, thankyouverymuch.

French was fun. We talked about donkeys and made pictures on our orange sheets.

And, thank god, it's the weekend and I'm going to have some good times with mes mecs!

10.05.2005

"I don't think Jesus would say that."

Anyway. Right now I am at the lovely Chellie's house. And then we are going to her voice lesson. Yay for missing the bus and Chelsea being there! And for getting paged!

So. I heart my study hall.

Jacob, at the end of prayer: OH MY GOD!!!!!
Mrs. Smith: What what what?
Jacob: I told Mrs. Hall I would do prayer today! Well, actually, I was supposed to do it on Monday but I forgot. Oh my god, Kellie, how mad is she going to be at me?
Me, quoting the conversation between Jacob and Mrs. Hall which occured Monday during history class when Mrs. Hall came to yell at Jacob: "No, Mrs. Hall! I'll do it on Wednesday! I promise! Please don't hate me!"

So Jacob was freaking out and spasming all of study hall. And to the best of our knowledge Mrs. Hall has apparently forgotten about it, too, thankfully.

Anyway. Geo/Trig was pretty fun today. I love those SOHCAHTOA trig functions, seriously. And Erik's notebook.

Erik writes: These are not boobs. They are circles with radii.
Mr. H writes: Excellent point!!

Yes. Then there was history. First, Mrs. Campbell started singing the worksheet song. Well, that was enjoyable. It was kind of like the "You're my dad! And I loooove you!" song from my all-time favorite holiday film Elf. Then we started talking about beating people up, justly.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, beating someone up for no good reason probably isn't a good thing.
Erik: Is there ever a good reason to beat someone up?
Mrs. Campbell: If they hit you first!!
Jacob, fake sternly: I don't think that's what Jesus would say.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, okay. If someone is beating up someone you care about, you should beat them up! If someone beat up one of my children, I'd beat them up!
[Whole class laughs.]
Allison: I can't picture you beating someone up.
Mrs. Campbell: I would, though! I'm scrappy!

Also, Erik had never heard the expression "don't beat a dead horse." I think that phrase is said about eight times a minute by my mother. Just an approximation. Then this very bitter and sarcastic conversation took place during worksheet time:

Mrs. Campbell: What did you do for service day?
Me: I cut paper for three whole hours. With Mrs. Pease.
Mrs. Campbell: That's pretty unfortunate. Three hours? With scissors?
Me: Yes! And part of the time, they were kid's scissors! What did you do?
Mrs. Campbell: I went to Holy Family. My kids got in trouble for yelling "MOM!" at me in the hallway. Then I ate some chicken nuggets in the cafeteria and a bunch of kids asked me to give their older siblings more detentions.
Me: Well, that sounds slightly more exciting.
Mrs. Campbell: Yes. The chicken nuggets were especially thrilling.

Anyway. Then there were yet again pen fights between Erik and me. Which I won by drawing blood. Ohhhh violence. It sure does solve everything.

Let's see. The rest of the day was not so exciting until English. We yet again talked about DEATH VISION. And death. And funerals. And suicide. And loss. What a depressing class. Also, the room smelled horrible and sweaty the whole time. Stupid fifth-hour study hall kids probably stank up the place.

Anyway. I heart French. What a hilarious class. Oooooh megaphone! Enflamed rib cage joint!

Madame: Look, Kellie. Pencil Case gave me a flower.
Me: Oh, that's nice.
Madame: That's what I said. I said, "Oh, that's very sweet, did you find it in the garbage?"

Comp Lit was all Mrs. Pease talking about "old-fashioned Bibles" or something. Then I was supposed to re-type some schtuff for French but I did all the wrong chapter seven exercises for Comp Lit, so I didn't have any time to. Oops. Then I went to talk to Madame and we had a big deep conversation that made me miss my bus but it was quite funny.

Anyway. Chelsea could offer me a ride, but she had a meeting and then voice. So during the meeting, I did my favorite hobby of meandering around the school after-hours. You run into some pretty crazy things. Like Vicky. And Blaney, who wanted to know if I had an A in history this year. Not even a "how are you?" just an "are you getting an A okay good bye!". He is indeed goofy. Then I got paged and we went off to voice lessons. I love Connie especially because she didn't make me sing this time. Also, she had some pretty crazy things to say.

"You can't just go bangity-bang on the keys."

"I know it's very tempting, but you can't just WHAM WHAM WHAM your way through the song."

Also, I love car rides with Chelsea and her mom.

Mary, while Chelsea is singing like Liza Minelli: Call me Mary, Kellie.
Me: Wait-- what am I supposed to call you?
Mary: Well, you could call me Bitch but that wouldn't be very nice.

The car ride was just full of swear words, especially when we spent about ten minutes discussing "bastard" and our many variations of it.

In other news. My grandmother cracks me up and so does her Cold War food-stocked bomb shelter of a basement.

Vater: Why isn't the sensor light on?
Grandma: It's those rabbits. They run back and forth and they wear the light out. I'm not leaving it on until they hibernate!

Vater: Why are there ten bottles of apple juice here?
Grandma: They were a dollar a piece!
Me: Who drinks apple juice?
Grandma: Me, every once in a while.
Me: Oh, ten bottles was definitely practical, then.