"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."

9.30.2005

Dead Dolphins

Today, all the sophomores in the other Honors English class get to wear "scarlet letters" today. Except for Pencil Case. Anyway, Alex's scarlet letter was S.

Me: What's that for? Slut?

Anyway. The rest of the morning was pretty non-eventful. We had a crazy sub in Geo w/ Trig. I don't know why, but he was just very entertaining. And he told us all the answer to the extra credit weekly challenge problem.

Crazy GWT Sub: It's easy as poop!

Anyway. History was pretty eventful. First of all, no one understands Mrs. Campbell's sarcasm. Like when she told us that we should break into our teachers' desks next hour.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, you know, when a host falls on the ground, you're supposed to eat it. (Me: Nervous face.) Oh my God, Kellie, what did you do? Please don't tell me that you threw it away.
Me: No... I just kind of... left it there.

Mrs. Campbell: Well people break the rules a lot. Like parking.
Jacob: Parking?! Like going and making out in a car?!
Mrs. Campbell: Noooo. And I cannot believe you just said that. That's so 1950s. You know what my mother would always call it? "Necking."

Mrs. Campbell: Why is Youcef always lurking outside my classroom in a big coat?

Mrs. Campbell: My god, sophomores must hate life today. No retreat, no jeans day, no movie day, and you have to wear all those goofy letters and God only knows why.

Suddenly it was time to discuss tuna and dead dolphins. I cannot even tell you what this was being used as an example for. Probably nothing. It was probably just another one of our random topics that had nothing to do with anything.

Barbie: Wait. Are tuna fish?

Mrs. Campbell: Do you guys remember a few years ago when everyone was freaking out because the tuna companies were killing dolphins in their nets, and so they had to be all careful not to kill the dolphins. That's why Starkist tuna has a happy, dancing dolphin on the label. Starkist doesn't have any dead dolphins. [Proceeds to do impressions of dead, drooling dolphins complete with rigor mortis flippers.]

Anyway. We were just out of control with laughter the rest of the class.

Mrs. Campbell: Why isn't anyone listening?
Me: You lost us at the flippers.

By the way, my new nickname for her has been switched from Parkie to Flipper.

Anyway. Theology was, ahem, interesting. We don't need to go there.

During lunch, we had Public Performances for the first time this year. They were really funny.

English was pretty fun even though we had a test, because we got to discuss our journal topic of what is good and bad about being a teenager.

Stary: For some reason, the kids in fourth hour were very interested in what we did when I was a teenager.
Me: Necking!

Stary: I had a big handicap as far as dating went... I watched Star Trek. That put me at a disadvantage. But I did kiss another girl who watched Star Trek.
Me: Oh, she's a catch!

French was pretty fun. Mr. Schultz was our sub since G-Unit still has the pneumonia. We played a very irritating game and then we watched the rest of Zoolander.

Now we are in the lovely class of Comp Lit, waiting with bated breath for it to be the weekend. Morgan joined us for the beginning of class, but then Pease kicked her out.

Pease: Morgan, go away!

9.29.2005

Smell My Arm

This morning, Erik wanted me to go see Mrs. Schmidt with him.

Erik: You need to come in case she actually does want me to please her. Then you need to dash through the halls, shouting, "RAPE IN THE MUSIC ROOM! RAPE IN THE MUSIC ROOM!"

But instead Pencil Case and I went to the Commons and discussed my greatest fear, marine life, and the giant squid.

Anyway. Today was all about tests. And, of course, history class.

Jacob: Why do you hate me so much? Seriously, can you just stop hating me now? Let's start over... I'm Jacob.
Mrs. Campbell: I'm Celine!

We discussed our tests and everyone who had two wrong shouted at Caitlin for having one wrong and breaking the curve. Then we discussed Johnathon Edwards yet again and there were some almost-profanities.

And then there is Mark. What a child, what a child. First of all, I now have to teach him a big word every day. Second of all, he likes to fight with Mrs. Campbell when she is obviously right.

Mark: Well, if I didn't have notes on the Salem Witch Trials, that means we never learned it!
Whole Class: Except for the part where we spent a whole day talking about it and how people just got fed up and blamed their dogs.
Mark: And I really do think the answer to number 24 was Ben Franklin.
Mrs. Campbell: Well, you know what? You don't get to talk anymore, because you were the kid who came back to my desk during the test and told me I never taught the Salem Witch Trials, so I don't wanna hear another word out of you.

Erik: My arm smells like chlorine. Smell my arm.
Me: What?!?! No!
Erik: Why?
Me: You do not just go up to a human being and tell them to smell your arm. Who does that?! Seriously, "Smell my arm," who says that?!

Theology was pretty interesting. We talked about things we want created in the future.

Nick: In the future, I want to have gills.

Joe: I want to have Chewbacca!!

Anyway. I love our English class and so does Stary.

Stary: I like that we go from the poetry of Phillis Wheatley to dirty polka songs.

Anyway. Now Pencil Case and I are hangin' out in Comp Lit and strolling down memory lane.

Redhaired Frosh: I have to go to the bathroom!
Hannah: Are you going to wet yourself?
Mrs. Pease: [gives Hannah a Look]
Hannah: Well, that's the deciding factor!

9.28.2005

"Luckily she is not pointing her middle finger."

Oh man. After school yesterday was quite enjoyable. Mrs. Campbell is an ex-Parkie who knows my entire family, and Mr. Brazeau is a marker-killer. Oh, and Jacob's family has a Celine Dion shrine in their house.

Anyway. I think we need to have a few more tests tomorrow, definitely. But, um, history tests = candy, so that makes me just fine.

I am just going to skip to French. The highlight of forever. I would just like to mention that there is indeed a picture of Celine Dion in our textbook.

Madame: They found Winged Victory's hands... luckily she is not pointing her middle finger.

Whole Class: Madame, you look kind of like that Renoir picture.
Madame: What?
Pencil Case: Well, a distant relative. A first cousin, maybe.
Madame: Yeah, maybe I would look like that if I gained a hundred pounds or so.
Pencil Case: Then could we call you G-Unit?
Madame: ...No.

Erik also got a very humorous note during English from the office. We're not sure which Mrs. Schmidt it is from, but it definitely said, "Could you please me ASAP." Yeah. We're thinking it was supposed to say, "Could you please see me ASAP," but, you know, we needed a laugh.

I ♥ the rain. Le sigh.

9.27.2005

Furry Angry People

Oh my goodness. What a day, what a day. It all began in Bio. I have to say, the general stupidity of the members of that class is quite amusing.

Joe: I live where the water smells like eggs.

Mrs. Mayer: In our lab, which things were carbohydrates?
Pat: Spaghetti!
Whole Class: Pat... there wasn't any spaghetti in the lab.

Anyway. During history, I got to be scorekeeper. Jacob was quite agitated, and also late.

Jacob: Well, see, I have 5A Bio, and I just strolled into room 218 and sat innocently in my desk and waited for Mrs. Mayer and the rest of my lovely classmates... and then I was all alone in there for a while, and I realized: Oh my god. It's fourth hour.

What a kid, what a kid. However, that is not as amusing as Joe trying to invent answers.

Joe: Well... um. The Declaration of the Independence affected the social contract because.... uhhhhhh... [long pause] Wait-- what were they called again?
Anna, deeply frustrating, yanking on her hair: OHMYGOD. Joe, if you don't know the answer, don't raise your hand.
Joe: They were the same thing.
Anna: NO! No, they were NOT.

Mrs. Campbell, looking directly at Joe: You guys can't just raise your hand and invent an answer, hoping some random thing you'll say will be right. That's just stupid.
(Joe has no idea we're talking about him.)

Anyway. We did impressions of Baptists, Mark cheated, and my team said they'd fail miserably without me and they did. But I don't care. I get candy anyway!

Theology was pretty entertaining. We talked about fanatical people, i.e., Frater Tim. Haha.

Mr. Brounstein, about Packers fans: I don't understand you guys. You sit out in the cold, freezing your butts off, dressed up as cheese.

That was probably one of the truer things I've heard all day. I love my English class, even sans Chels.

Stary, mocking fat lazy Americans: I want a burger, sillll voussss plate, dammit!

Me: Conjunction junction.
Molly: What's your function!?!!

French was, as usual, completely enjoyable. First we made Madame say crazy words like stork and four, because, after all, she is foreign.

Madame: These two guys were married... not to each other, mind you.

Madame: Who's this guy with the hairy face?
Maggie: Um, that's called a beard.

This comment sparked a large discussion about body hair and the furry man-and-baby picture.

Madame: No, there was this picture that has a hairy man and a hairy baby... (we laugh.) No, seirously. They had fur, like a dog. This was not just the facial hair your moms-- I mean, dads have.

Brianna, on Toulouse-Lautrec: HE HAD SHORT LEGS.

Brianna, laughing really hard: That wasn't funny!

Madame: You got a portrait, right?
Sammi: Yeah... and then I sat on it.

We also passed around Mike's baby picture of him looking totally battered. Which was amusing in a really sad way. He actually fell off the high chair... haha.

Madame: Please do not call me G-Money.
Me: Can we call you G-Unit?
Madame: No... that makes me sound like some kind of tank. Like I weigh 350 pounds or something.

After French, Good Joe told Pencil Case and I a story about giving blood.

Good Joe: The lady finally comes and she's like, "Oh, you have such good big veins!" but then she's, like, digging the needle in me for about ten minutes, and finally she yells, "PAAAM! PAAAAAAM! Can you come help me?!"

9.26.2005

"I have a fat, ugly soul."

What a day, what a day. Mondays suck, but today was pretty enjoyable as far as they go.

Oh man. Green Bay public transportation is super cool times a million. We again had one of our delicious let's-wait-ten-minutes-for-kids-who-were-late sprees.

Me: Why are these people taking so long? Are they cripples?!

It was actually Alex and a bunch of freshmen. We laughed at them.

Jacob, Jacob, what a guy. Seriously. No one tells you this, but history is really just Jacob and I quoting Mean Girls at one another.

Erik: Fetch!
Me: Don't tell me what to do.
Jacob: Oh my god. That's so fetch!
Me: Jacob, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen!!

Then there was more randomness to be had in the lesson.

Mrs. Campbell: Is prissy a bad word? [Pauses, thinks.] No. No, it is not.

Mrs. Campbell: Joe Stalin... yeah. He wasn't such a nice guy, what with that whole killing-of-millions thing.

Um theology is pretty much completely not cool. At all. But what I do love is English... and that my Chelsea was back today!! Oh happiness. Certain people in that class are quite aggravating though.

Jill: There are some really ugly babies out there.

Stary: Everyone has a beautiful soul... except for me. I have a fat, ugly soul.

Stary: Maybe Alyssa can never participate because Allison won't stop talking!

During French, Madame was crazy and didn't use articles and Brianna purred. And somehow (don't ask me how) I got 100 on my project. I am cool.

Madame: Dirty meaning, they have dirt on them.

Chelsea: Wait--- so I get a zero on my project?
Madame: Let me think about that...yes.
[Five minutes later:]
Madame: Chelsea, when are you going to do your project?
Chelsea: Wednesday, maybe.
Madame: It can't be Wednesday maybe. It has to be Wednesday for sure.
Chelsea: Okay. Wednesday for sure.

I love my bus. Pretty sure I just call Caitlin a foreigner and she loves it. And then we make fun of Diana for being uncultured. And then Anna accidentally sticks her feet out the window... yeah. We are pretty crazy.

9.22.2005

We missed you.

Words of Wisdom from Mrs. Smith: "Youcef is being a turd."

French Club meeting today. Pretty exciting. Congratulations to Jacob! And Madame called me Katia several times... that was interesting.

I love looking out the hall in Geo w/Trig. Today in the hall, Youcef got yelled at, Brooker tripped over nothing, and Blumreich made faces at me. You guys are all cool.

Jacob was back today in history! We were all quite excited!

Jacob: I got your e-mail. "We missed you." Which is obviously a lie because I'm sure you didn't miss me.
Mrs. Campbell: I meant that the class missed you. And what was I supposed to do, send you an e-mail saying "I missed you?" That would have been very... um. Inappropriate.

Then Jacob and Mark decided what would be appropriate was eating candy bars in class. As if we weren't going to hear the crinkling of wrappers.
Mrs. Campbell: What are you doing?!
Jacob and Mark: Uhhh. Eating candy.
Mrs. C: You can't just eat candy. First of all, I told you that. Second of all, you guys are right in front of the door and so the administration will walk by and then I will get written up. Again.
Whole Class: Wait--- you got written up?
Mrs. C: On the first day of school! They called me into the office and wrote me up! It was first hour, too.
Me: Oh my god. No one gets away with anything at this school anymore.
Mrs. C: And it's not like there are new rules. They are the same old rules. They just decided to enforce them--- MARK. What are you doing?!
Mark: I'm trying to put my candy bar away.
Mrs. C: Well, what's preventing you?

Mrs. C: "The Native Americans were _____." Appalled, extremely irate, overwhelmingly furious, you can put whatever you want there.
Jacob: Can I put "pissed off?"
Mrs. C: If you really feel that you have to.

Anyway. The rest of class was pretty much on topic except for that discussion about ugly words.
Theology scared me. I don't even want to go there.

We were all pretty crazy during lunch. Alex tells really funny stories.

Alex: So, yeah, apparently that day when we had that rapist guy running around, Mrs. Mellberg was talking to her study hall about it and she starts banging a book on her desk and yells, "IF YOU DON'T BUDDY UP YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED!"

Yes. Pretty sure Alex and I have said that all weekend.

Anyway. English is pretty entertaining. Do we ever accomplish anything in that class? No. Nonono.

Erik: Is crucible an English word? Because for some reason I always thought it was Italian. Like "cru-chee-blay."
Molly: Oh my god. You are such a dork.

During French, we all meanly laughed at the unfortunate facts of Natalie's presentation. Because we are wretched.

Natalie: He turned to art and alcohol... that was all he had. (We laugh.) Well, it's true. All his friends made fun of him for having such short legs. (We laugh again.)

Computer Literacy and Applications, you are very cool. Except not. Yay for Tetris.

After school, Alex and I hung around with random folk and went to Culver's with Steve before her volleyball game. At Culver's, there was a very drunk man sitting on a fence and some children. Oh and Jacob is yet again brilliant.

Alex: Look! A little person!
Me: That's so mean. You aren't supposed to call midgets little people.
Alex: It wasn't a little person... it was a child.

9.21.2005

Hello, 6th-Hour Honors Sophomore English!

So. These are the very important things one learns as French Club secretary at officers' meetings: Geyer eats dog treats.

Geyer: Dog treats are good. I mean, I've eaten them.
Stephanie: You've what?
Geyer: Yeah, I've eaten dog treats. They're not bad. They taste like really thick crunchy graham crackers.
[big silence.]
Everyone: You are so weird.

Let's see. Mrs. Smith is bribing us to donate money. Woo-hoo, Krispy Kremes and bagel party.

Today in Bio, we had some interesting conversations about our Tribond question. And, for Chelsea's sake, I am mentioning that we made Jello.

Mrs. Mayer: Barrel riding, bulldogging, and bull riding, what do these things have in common? Where can you do all these things?
Nick: Mexico.

Geometry was really really fun today. Because it was actually geometry and not algebra. You have no idea how happy this makes me or how much I love geometry. Geometry just makes absolute perfect sense to me. It's ridiculous.

Dan: Was Alpha the name of the robot on Power Rangers?

French 1 class next door, extremely loudly: JE NE SUIS PAS! TU N'ES PAS! IL N'EST PAS! NOUS NE SOMMES PAS! VOUS N'ETES PAS! ILS NE SONT PAS!
Geometry class: [laughter and confusion.]
Alyssa: Oh my god. They're going insane!

I ♥ history. The favorite subject of today was drugs and how Hitler got shot up with amphetamines that he called "vitamins." But the German word for vitamins sounded like Voldemort. Oh, History Channel, I need to watch you more often when I am bored, as I did the day that show was on. I swear it was called High Hitler. It was truly humorous.

Alyssa, who is being ignored: But... I actually had a right answer that time!

Mrs. Campbell: Erik, are you being ridiculous today?

Lunch is craziness from me and Vicky.

Vicky, accusingly: I saw you eating an apple!!

Me: Vicky, why are you carrying a plastic fork in your back pocket?
Vicky: To stab the naughty chidren!

Oh, English. Hi, all you English class folk who now read my blog, thanks to Stary for mentioning it. But, hey. I was not the one in the crazy outfit. And Erik thinks its's funny that I only have one dimple.

Jill: Is that a woman's outfit?

Me: Do you expect people to take you seriously in that?

Stary: If we sent a Harry Potter book back to Salem, Massachusetts, what would they say?
Alyssa: "IT'S A WITCH!"

Pencil Case gave a crazy funny presentation in French today. And there was of course "Smile, It's the Holidays!"

Pencil Case: Sometimes Camille Claudel is marked dead 10 years before she actually died. Because she never got better, so they marked her dead. Which is sad.

Pencil Case: Their stuff was displayed.
Everyone: Stuff?!

Pencil Case: Everyone hated Camille. She wasn't actually healed, the doctor was just tired of her.

Yes. Then there was a fun conversation about nudes and "sex sells" with She of the Dog Biscuits. And Pencil Case and I were again late for Comp Lit.

9.20.2005

Cocktail Parties

Well, today was pretty exciting. The musical for this year was announced. It will be Into the Woods. That sounds like fun.

On the bus, Mike brought up the topic of dreams.

Me: Last night I dreamt that a lime green iguana with red eyes was sleeping next to me on my pillow.
Alex: Iguanas are not lime green. They are camouflage.
Me: Don't fight with my subconscious.

Alex: The other night I dreamt that we went to our new land and went canoeing.
Caitlin and I: On dry land?
Alex: Yeah. We were seriously canoeing over, like, shrubs. And then we saw a black bear. And my dad said, "Look, kids! It's the Great American Eagle Black Bear!"

Let's see. My study hall and my math class are extraordinarily entertained and amazed by my sneezing ability. Thanks. You guys rock.

Tom, walking past Estufa's room: HOLA!

History was entertaining as always. First, Christine and I were talking about really random things.

Christine: I just see you as a cocktail party sort of person.
Me: What? What does that even mean?
Mrs. Campbell: Wait, what sort of a person is Kellie?
Christine: A cocktail party sort of person. Don't you think so?
Mrs. Campbell: Sure, I guess.

Well, you would think this would be the end of the conversation. But no. We had to bring this up for all of class. (And I still have no idea what they are talking about.)

Mrs. C: Do you guys know what hors d'oeuvres are? I mean, I know that Kellie does, because she has cocktail parties all the time.

Alyssa: Well, one of Benjamin Franklin's sayings was "the early bird gets the worm."
Mrs. C: And what does that mean?
Alyssa: Um... be early, don't be late.
Mrs. C, sarcastically: Eat worms.

Mrs. C: It was a big deal. It was like Dave Matthews coming to Alpine.
(Speaking of which, that is what we're listening to right now.)

Steve: Who even eats pickles anyway?
Mrs. C and I, at the same time, very defensively: I LOVE PICKLES.

During theology, we interrogated Tan Pants about what you say to someone when they ask you if they look fat and they do.

Tan Pants: Well, you could say something to make them stop liking the outfit. Like, "You don't have the shoes for that outfit."
Jacqueline: Do you say that to your wife?
Nick: What would you say to your wife?
Tan Pants: I would probably say, "I don't like how you look in that dress."
Other Jaci: And do you sleep on the couch that night?

The rest of the day was pretty boring. My French presentation went well except for a certain miscreant complaining about Oxford commas. And Mike says things in the most bizarre tone of voice.

Oh, and guess what? Comp Lit is still a complete waste of time. "I need to hear typing, not talking!" Okay then.

9.19.2005

Sophie's Choice

So... Jacob is crazy, Alex is an addict, and apparently I am the only student at Notre Dame Academy who knows what Sophie's Choice is. Yes. I love life.

Well, let's see. This weekend was pretty much the most enjoyable thing of my life. I would explain it to you, but you would all just be like, "These kids are on crack. I'm going to turn them in and get fifty bucks." But, honestly, no chemical substances were involved. Just peanut butter M&M's and cheese curds, which Jacob ate all of anyway.

So. I guess I should start with history class, because that is apparently where everything starts. First, Jacob started shouting all our crazy jokes from Saturday across the room and everyone thought we were insane. Then this conversation took place:

Jacob: I can't choose.
Mrs. Campbell, sarcastically: Yeah, that's definitely like Sophie's Choice.
[Long pause.]
Jacob: Who's Sophie?
Mrs. Campbell and I, at the same time: Jacob! How can you not know about Sophie's Choice?
Rest of the class: Uhhhh. I've never heard of that before in my life.
Jason: Note that only the two smart people in the room have heard of this.
Mrs. Campbell: Seriously, you guys. I can't believe you've never heard of Sophie's Choice. Well, okay. It's a movie. And it was also a book. But, anyway. It's the most depressing movie ever made.
Jacob: What's her big choice?
Mrs. Campbell, for some reason deciding that it is a good idea to basically re-enact Sophie's Choice: Well, it's during the Holocaust, and she and her two kids get seized and they have to go to the concentration camp. And there's a line for the gas chambers and a line to go to the camp, and originally, both the kids are just supposed to go to the chambers. But this guard, like, likes Sophie or something, and so he tells her that she can choose. And so (this is the part where she completely spoils the ending, so if you don't want to know, don't read this:) she picks the boy to live, because he's older and he'll have a better chance of surviving the camp. But Sophie is crying all hard and so she can't see her daughter, which is good, because if she could have been able to, she would never have been able to live with herself, and all she can hear is her daughter screaming, "Mommy! Mommy!"

Okay. So, I know that just sounds extremely depressing and not funny at all. But you had to have seen her doing this. The hand gestures. It was a brilliantly awful rendition of Meryl Streep's performance. She and I were cracking up the whole time. And then Meredith goes, "Why is that funny? It sounds really depressing to me." And then we felt really bad. But we quickly moved to another topic, explaining things to children.

Mrs. Campbell: My daughter, the other day, she just walks into the kitchen and starts asking me all these questions like, "Why does God make hurricanes? Why does He make bad things?" and I told her, "Well, we need to have bad things so that we can appreciate the good things. Because if we didn't have bad things and good things just happened all the time, good things would just be average." And you know what she did? She laughed at me. I said, "Why are you laughing?" and she just goes, "Well, what you said was funny!" and then she just keeps laughing and walks away... I think I might have gone over her head.

Then Mrs. Campbell read us the scary, crazy forwards people send her, and then class was over and we'd, as usual, just talked about crazy things. After class, while waiting for Erik to get going and re-pack his backpack, which he did as slowly as humanly possible, we had a very random conversation about shoes and the Enlightenment. I swear, this woman says the most random things you will ever hear.

Mrs. Campbell: John Locke was such a cool guy. I just love him. I mean, apart from being dead and everything, he's practically my lover.

Lunch was pretty entertaining because Alex is addicted to ice cream and has no self-control. We are going to sign her up for that show on A&E, Intervention. That would actually be really funny. That would be the best episode of that show ever.

English just involved a lot of Erik saying "Molly!" and "Kellie!" over and over again just to get our attention to say stupid things like "Hiiiiii." So Molly and I yelled at him. And then we talked about McDonald's coffee. And Stary made dirty comments.

French was hilarious as usual. We love quizzing Madame on her foreign-ness.

Pencil Case: Do you know who Lamb Chop is?
Madame: A chop made of lamb.

Then we started talking about the 80s yet again.

Madame: Some people are just stuck in the 80s.
Pencil Case: Is Katia (Madame's two-year-old daughter) stuck in the 80s?
Madame: No. Turn around.

And then we got onto the subject of the French Revolution.

Mike: I love the American Revolution. Seriously. We were such bad-asses.

Then this lovely comment was made about syphilis:

Madame: Syphilis eats your brain.

Do you see why I love that class so much?

Me: Now I feel really bad for laughing about Sophie's Choice. I mean, it's definitely not funny.
Pencil Case: No, the Jewish times were not funny.
Me: The Jewish times?
Pencil Case: Jewish times, Holocaust, whatever.

Anyway. I hate Comp Lit. End of story. End of day. Bye.

9.16.2005

Do you know what happens at Phish concerts?

Oh my goodness. What a day. It all started during the student government meeting. Mrs. Brown is officially the craziest person I know.

Bondage: We can't do a half-assed job of this--
Mrs. Brown: What was that adjective?!

Angelina: We should adopt a big black family.
Mrs. Brown: Yep! We're definitely not racist up here! Give us a big black family! [Pause.] Actually, I still think the funniest thing is that Wisconsin sent a bunch of buses to the hurricane victims and no one wanted to come here.

Then she was pretending to be Cajun. Yes. We take important issues very seriously at NDA. No, just kidding, we actually do.

Bio involved a very easy test and some highly intelligent conversations about The O.C.

Girl #1: Whatever happened to that baby?
Girl #2: I don't know, but if that girl brings that baby around, Ryan and Marissa will probably break up. Again. That's, like, all they ever do.
Girl #1: Ryan and Marissa always break up. Like when Marissa was a lesbian for, like, two days.
Girl #2: Yeah. Do you think that blonde, like, lesbian will ever come back?

You now get a good idea of the kinds of thing that happen in that class. Especially when JS is not around to make an ass of himself.

History was completely off the subject as usual.

Mrs. Campbell: Do you guys know what an 'E' means in grade school? Like, the grade?
A few kids: Failing, but with effort.
Mrs. C: Oh, great. Nice job on your D.O.L., Eliza.
[She turns around and Jacob is standing right behind her.]
Mrs. C: Jacob, get out of my bubble.
Jacob, making poking gestures at her: POP!

This caused a very long conversation about the awfulness of Daily Oral Language, which wasn't even Oral anyway. I mean, I'm a grammar freak, and even I hated D.O.L. Somehow we got onto the subject of going to the bathroom.

Mrs. C: On Monday I'm going to talk to you guys about not leaving the room all the time. I mean, really, why do you always have to go to the bathroom after taking a test? There is no correlation between bladders and test-taking, trust me.

For about five minutes, the far half of the room was doing their work while the other half of the room continued to discuss going to the bathroom. After five minutes, this fairly humorous comment was made:

Mrs. C: I mean, kids always say, "Well, if you won't let me go to the bathroom, I'll just go right here!" and I just say, "I don't care!"
[The far side of the room is actually listening and cracks up.]
Mrs. C, looking directly at me: What?
Me: What?
Mrs. C: I didn't even think you guys were listening, and all of the sudden that whole half of the room starts laughing at me.
Me: Well, you're still talking about going to the bathroom.
(Everyone cracks up upon realizing that we've discussed bathrooms for such an extended period of time.)

Mrs. C: Hey, Lars, buddy? It's not naptime!

Jessi: I'm not going to be here on Monday.
Mrs. C: Okay, you guys, the Jessi Is Not Here Party will start at 10:30 on Monday!

Then we started talking about "collections". Apparently one of her history classes last year would pass a hat around and have a "collection" and whatever they gave, she got to keep forever, and how one of her other classes this year decided to have a collection again today.

Mrs. C: Yeah, last year I got really stupid stuff, like gum wrappers and smooshed up brownies from people's lunches. It was ridiculous. But this year I got good stuff! I mean, today, I got markers, and an un-eaten pack of gum, and this stress ball!

It was, quite honestly, the coolest stress ball ever. So the rest of class was spent, rather than doing worksheets, playing with the ball. Yes. That class is probably the greatest thing ever. And the most ridiculous, because even though it doesn't sound like we do judging by this blog, we actually learn a lot.

Theology (ugh), we talked about explaining things to small children.

Tan Pants: I mean, last night, I had to tell my daughter, "Don't step on your sister's head."

Tan Pants: When you're explaining something to a kid, you have to say things like, "Killing is bad because it makes people die. How would you feel if your mommy was killed?"

Tan Pants: Does it matter what you eat on a date?
Nick: I'd get a cheeseburger.
Tan Pants: Oh, well, that's very high-class.
Nick: A quarter-pounder, actually.
Tan Pants: That's... nice.

Tan Pants: Can a dress code be bad?
Me: Well, yes, if it forces people to dress completely inappropriately.
Tan Pants: Well, what if people want to dress trashy?
Me: Um... other people might not want to look at them dressed that way.

During lunch, Vicky got a referral from Brooker for wearing backless shoes. Therefore, we did impressions of Brooker, who was definitely staring at my hamstrings for all of lunch to make sure that my shoes had backs, which they did.

Me: Vicky, you are a BAD SEED! How DARE you wear shoes without backs! LOOK AT MY STRIPED TIE!
Vicky: LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT!
Me: Aren't the stripes PRETTY?!
Vicky: I WEAR THE SAME TIE EVERY DAY!
Me: Except for when I wear my PINK OXFORD.

So, yes. Vicky has detention. And apparently hell has frozen over. And also, Vicky and I are very very mean.

English was quite exciting. Stary very much enjoys my sarcastic essays. Which is good.

Erik, after trying to touch his tongue to his nose: OW!!!
Me: What?
Erik: That made my brain hurt!

Stary: My dad always said, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."

Stary: There were these people who sat next to me at the last Star Wars movie, and they were so stupid. It's like, come on, people, we know that Anakin turns into Darth Vader, we've known this for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS. But then the guy was all, "I shall call you Darth---- VADER!" and they both gasped. And I wanted to say, 'No!! Really? I thought it was Darth Fluffy Pink Bunnies!' And then, "She's carrying twins." and the guy next to me goes, "Ohmigod! Luke and Leia!" No! Mary-Kate and Ashley!!

French is so fun. Mike says the craziest things ever.

Mike: I'm dying!

Mike: Look, it's Genius!

Mike: Kellie has big shoes and very little feet.

Pencil Case also made the Pencil Case Frustration Bite Face several times.

Student Teacher: You can have a hundred boys and still use "en."
(Jill laughs.)
Pencil Case: PERVERT!
Student Teacher: We are NOT talking about it like that.

Comp Lit was insane.

Scott: Someone totally pooped on my chair!
Mrs. Pease: Don't be gross!

Scott: Do you know what goes on at Phish concerts?
Mrs. Pease: No, I've never been to one.
Scott, in a dramatic voice: DRUGS!

Mrs. Pease: So what is everyone doing this weekend?
Pencil Case and Emily: Going to a Phish concert.

Oh, Fridays.

9.15.2005

Chels Says the Darndest Things

First of all, I love my bus.

Caitlin, talking about her geometry teacher: Sometimes, if you're answering a question, he looks at you and he smooshes his eyebrows together and squints, so it's like all this pale skin and a big black caterpillar of an eyebrow. It's terrifying.

Steve: You know what grows six inches in one night?
Me: Bamboo.
Caitlin: My lawn!!

Today in history, we got "brain food", meaning Jolly Rancher lollipops with chewy centers, because we're just so gosh darn smart.

Jacob, halfway through the test: HEY! Are these supposed to have chewy centers?
Everyone: Um, yeah.
Jacob: Okay. Good. I was kind of freaking out. I thought that mine was defective.

Anyway. I like that our test mentioned cannibalism in a completely random way. I thought it was rather appropriate.

Lunch was all about falling over in the hallway and random conversation, and the Molly-Kellie Girl Scouts Honor high-five.

Alex: FREE FOOD!

Alex: Vicky, that was a face of total bewilderment.

Alex: How's the sax going for you you?
(Molly and I hear "How's the sex going for you?")
Molly and me: What?!

Vicky: My driver's ed class is so weird. There's this kid, and he always says "MAJOR!"

English class was ridiculous as usual.

Alyssa, on Benjamin Franklin's "hanging" quote: So they all die?!

Stary: He didn't name all the French girls he slept with, like, "Well, there was Mrs. So-and-So."
Me: Mrs.?!?!

French class was obscene. Student Teacher got to teach us. She is so different from Madame. She expects order and control. Which Madame never does, ever. Madame is disorder and un-control.

Maggie: Paul said that dogs say "garf garf" in France.
Madame: They do not say "barf barf."

Mike: I'm trouble.
(Mike goes up to the board, draws a smily face, and writes "Mr. Happy," then sits down.)

Kelsey: I'm a little bit country, I'm a little bit rock and roll.
Me: Kelsey's an Osmond!

(Kelsey starts rocking.)
Madame: Stop rocking!

Student Teacher (three times): Read your sandwiches, please.

I hate comp lit.

But I love talking on the phone with Chels!

Chels: I never knew that she was sarcastic. I always pictured her running through a field of flowers with a crown of roses in her hair, wearing a sundress and giving all the children of the land baskets of fruit!

Chels: There are these pills that make you tall. I'm serious. Go to HeightMax.com. I think you should buy them, Kel.

Chels: Stary is in the paper... he looks like a fruity Van Helsing.

Chels: Probably 'cuz her eyes got infested with... uhhhhh... I dunno. Jell-O.

Chels: I really think that if you took an eye out of the socket, it would be like Jell-O.

Chels: Someday I'm just going to go up to him and be like, "Tell her you love her!" and run away.

Chels: And then he and Helga--- I mean, Julie...

Chels: We can put it in her purse. I mean, people do that with drugs all the time.
Me: No, they don't. They put drugs in drinks.
Chels: Drinks, purses, same thing.

So, there you have it. All I ever do is talk on the phone with Chels. Oooh yeah, Operation Mix Tape.

9.14.2005

I have a carrot stuck in my throat.

What a day. Guess who is the new French Club secretary? Moi! I am elated. So happy.

Today in history, we played Jeopardy for review for our test.

Erik: I am so good at review games. So good. Like, seriously, I always win. I'm so good. No one ever beats me.

Oh, really, Erik? No one ever beats you? Because I think I kind of smoked your ass today, on every single question.

Mrs. Campbell, out of nowhere: I have a carrot stuck in my throat.

Oh. P.S. Mrs. Campbell and I have the same pants and shoes. That was a little scary.

Speaking of clothes... Pencil Case wants me to mention that he has "homosexual shocks." By which he means "socks." They are incredibly gay. I love them. But he is not nearly as gay as his socks. He's not a gay retard silly man. Just a retard silly man.

Today in English, Stary was ridiculous.

Stary: You need to think of the Declaration of Independance as a breakup note. Like, "Dear King George, I think we need to see other countries. Love, Thomas Jefferson."

Then we started talking about how the royal family of every country is pretty much completely inbred.

Stary: That's why Prince Charles has such big ears.

Me: Prince Alexei was a hemophiliac. The Bolsheviks just came in the cellar and were like, bang bang, "Bye, little boy, you weren't very hard to kill!" (Long pause.) Oh God. I am such a morbid person.

Stary: Imagine that Thanksgiving dinner. "If you don't shut up, I'm going to place my troops on the Western Front!"

Then he wrote "wtf?" on the board. Seriously.

Now Pencil Case is reading over my shoulder and we are in French class. Madame is saying crazy things, such as, "You lost me on hello." I'm so glad that she knows all the wrong lines to Jerry Maguire. Anyway. Now we are talking about petty crimes and I don't think Madame, la foreigner, knows what jaywalking is.

But I'm French Club secretary! Ohhhh I'm so happy. But you know what is not happy? That Chelsea and Alex are not here today. Get better soon, you little hotties.

"Um. What was that?"

Last night, Pencil Case and I held a very pointless French Club event of our own. Meaning that, during Meet-the-Teacher night, since there was no bake sale, we sat in the Commons in our berets with our highly outdated French Club poster and pamphlets, and talked to Brooker and all of two parents. Yeah, lots of advertising going on there. Not.

Well, I got there, and I went up to the French room, also known as "the Sauna", to get the poster, berets, and pamphlets.

Madame, to our student teacher: Now, look at this. Who would not want Kellie as a secretary? Kellie, even if you do not get to be French Club secretary, you will still get to be my personal secretary.
Me, sarcastically: Oh, thanks.

Then Madame was showing us this crazy book-like thing she bought. Basically, it is a bunch of "funny" (her word, everyone else's word has been "creepy") pictures of animals. And they have the eyes cut out, and there are these big plastic googly eyes on the last page of the book, so they all share one set of googly plastic eyes. Quite frankly, it makes me very nervous, but Madame just loves it.

Madame, to Frau: Isn't it cute?
Frau: No, it's not. Not at all. It's creepy, and, quite honestly, I'm going to have uncomfortable dreams about it tonight.

Yes, Frau pretty much hit the nail right over the head with that one. But then it was time to go with Pencil Case to set up in the Commons. Shortly after, Brooker comes up to us and makes what he thinks is a French noise, but is actually just a series of very strange nasally I-don't-even-know-how-to-describe-thems. Pencil Case and I cracked up.

Pencil Case: Um. What was that?
Brooker: I was being French.

Okay then. So, for a good two hours, we sat around and were bored to death. Pencil Case thought he was undergoing cardiac arrest but really probably was just having acid reflux. Then Meet-the-Teacher night was over, so we had to de-set up our lovely poster and pamphlets. It was all, I can assure you, very exciting. In the hallway, Charlie was running around in Frau's red poncho.

Charlie: Wheeeee! Don't I look fahhhhhhhhhhbulous?
Frau: No. You look like a fruitcake.

Then we ran around for a bit and talked to Jacob.

Jacob: Let's go bug Celine.
Pencil Case and me: We should.
Me: Where is she?
Jacob: She's coming through the Commons. But don't look at her, because, you know, she thinks I'm stalking her.
Me: No, Jacob. She doesn't think you're stalking her. Everyone else does.
Jacob: Stalking... that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

So, of course, "Celine" came by and we ended up talking to her anyway, even though Jacob is "mad" at her about the "stalking" thing. He really just wanted her to buy some Seroogy's bars. Which she did not.

Then we went home and my father told Pencil Case and me stories about how he talked to Mrs. Carrots after class about my typing. Gee, thanks, Dad. I'm sure that was really necessary. Anyway, Pencil Case, at this point, still thought he was suffering from cardiac arrest. Which he was not.

This morning has already been pretty exciting. Evil plans, and of course the bus. Apparently my little bus stop hut is a hip place for old-lady smokers. Because, I'm just waiting ever so innocently, and she just comes and smokes a cigarette in there. Uhhh, what? I thought about telling her, "I'm an asthmatic", even though I'm not, just so she'd feel bad about her secondhand-smoking. But no. So then I got to school and had to borrow Bet, the lifesaver's, pretty spray to put in my hair, because I don't feel like I need any questions like, "Why does your hair smell like smoke?"

Oh, don't you just love cold and flu season?

9.13.2005

I'm gonna write you a dimension!

Oh, picture day. Not fun, not fun. And they only took one picture instead of two. That kind of leaves a lot of room for error. Oh well. Did I mention that I got my Fall Fest dress in the mail yesterday? Exciting, exciting.

But no Chels again. That made me so sad. And no Alex at lunch. Seriously, this caused a hollow in the pit of my soul. Two of my partners-in-crime gone amiss? I could hardly handle it. I love them too dearly.

In Geometry, we did logic things. Oh gosh fun stuff.

Mr. H: Well, we have to say "not a boy", because in this day and age, "not a boy" does not necessarily mean "a girl."

History. Oh, worksheets and crazy things that make no sense.

Mrs. Campbell on something she put on our sheet that made absolutely no sense: Well, I'm going to tell you what I was thinking. Because, you know, you care so much.

[Mark throws a paper ball into the trash can perfectly and makes it.]
Mrs. C: That was pretty cool. Actually, I have a story about that. Do you guys remember Mr. Hietpas? Well, once, one of my kids did that and missed and threw it in the hallway accidentally, so Mr. Hietpas comes in and screams at my entire class to not throw things in the hallway, with me right there. It was pretty embarassing.

Theology is simply ridiculous.

Nick: There aren't that many people here who do drugs.
Me: Um. Are you naive?

English = me writing sarcastic essays about Puritans. Always a fun time. But not so much a fun time without the Chels. Le sigh.

Hello, French class. What a class.

Madame: I'm going to write you a dimension.
Everyone: A dimension?
Mike: What are you gonna do, draw a graph or something? A dimension?
Madame: A demerit, a detention, a dimension. Same thing.

Okay then.

Madame: See, Benjamin. You need to work. Kellie can talk because she will get her project done and probably do more projects. You will probably not finish.
Pencil Case: That is favoritism!
Madame: No, it's not. It's the truth!

Oh, and Madame approves of my new career choice. That makes me quite happy. And she will approve of Pencil Case when he "finds himself," too.

Madame: Well, just so you know, teaching is fun, but you don't get paid anything.
Me: Well... I'll just marry rich.
Madame: Yeah, that's what I said. Look what happened! (Crazy evil laugh.)

Comp Lit: Oh my good golly gosh. Apparently Mrs. Pease/Carrots/Night Vision has a problem with the fact that I type quickly and accurately. Seriously. We had to type these two paragraphs from our workbook, which I finished in about two minutes.

Mrs. Pease: Kellie, delete the last paragraph and re-type it with the monitor off.

(I do it without error.)

Mrs. Pease: Kellie, delete the last sentence and type it now.

(Holds a sheet of paper over my hands so I can't look at them. Again, I re-type the last sentence without error.)

Mrs. Pease, running out of things to freak out at me about: Well, it would be better if you didn't cross your legs and kept both your feet on the floor, but okay.

Um. Excuse me. What?! She is obviously jealous of the fact that I am an excellent typist, even with my legs crossed.

9.12.2005

Motherboard

Oh, what a day. It all started with the Bus Ride From Hell. Now, I should have figured that when my bus was actually on time to pick me up, something was going to go wrong. But I thought nothing of it, or the fact that we had a different bus driver.

Well. Our new bus driver is an absolute clown. First, she just stops on Webster in front of the ice cream shop for ten minutes. For no reason. We are just sitting there. Okay then. Then, we wait another ten minutes for a freshman, because the bus driver decides: Oh. I am cool and I will skip her stop and make her walk two blocks. Yes. By this point, both Alex and I were talking about how we, even though we do not have our lisences, could drive a bus better than this. No, but seriously. We could.

Then Alex begins to think that, if the bus is late, the optional sophomore retreat will leave without her. (Which it of course, does not, to ruin all the suspense for you.) But she went on a very rampant freakout about how she did not read The Scarlet Letter because she didn't think she was having class but how they have a quiz (Abigail: "We never had a quiz. Mrs. Mellberg just told stories." That was a comment to ruin more suspense for you.) and so on and so forth. It was quite funny.

Alex: We will probably hit every red light.
Me: Noooo. With our luck, the bridge will be up.

Yes. And apparently Alex and I are psychic, because both these things happened. Yes. So then not only us, but the entire East Side of Green Bay was late for school today. That was fun.

During Bio, there were no people there. So we watched C.S.I. And JS made annoying comments the whole time, so it really wasn't too different from regular Bio class.

Since we had about ten kids in our history class today, we did not have our usual fun of tangental conversations and harassment and Jacob. No, no, we did not. We had assignments and worksheets. But, since this is a Mrs. Campbell class, you just know that even in the three minutes we had typical class, she spelled something wrong.

Mrs. Campbell, writing: Section 2 workshee.
(The whole class laughs at her.)
Mrs. C, talking now: Kellie, what did I spell wrong?
Everyone: Workshee!!
Mrs. C, sarcastically: Oh, don't you kids know anything? Of course it's a workshee.

Theology was actually kind of fun today. More talk of the Notre Dame Academy social hierarchy, which I still don't think is a really appropriate topic, but it's Tan Pants's class, not mine. I mean, what do I know about things that are apparently theological but really just mean? Nothing. Because I am just mean period. Okay then. Although Maggie and I pretty much run that class. Oh well.

English... we were actually on topic most of today. And Stary called me Katie? Uhhh okay. But that was still not as bad as our student teacher in Mr. Blaney's class who called me "Julie" all the time. And Erik just writes random things on the front of my notebook in Chinese. Okay cool.

French is my life. Who am I kidding. I still love that class, even though I have to do some horrible presentation on the Impressionist Revolution.

Madame: We will pick out of hat.

Yay for articles!

Me, looking at Eurotrip pictures: Um. Madame. Why is there a picture of you and a furry pink bunny statue?
Madame: Because that is the only good thing about Switzerland. Seriously.

Madame, looking at my pictures from Paris: Kellie, you look very drunk in this picture.
Me: I was being drunk Edith Piaf. Obviously.
Madame: Well, anyway. I almost bought that scarf.
Me: The plaid one?
Madame: Yes.
Me: Where did you almost buy it?
Madame: On the way up to Monmartre.
Me: That's where I bought it.
Madame: It would be very creepy if we had the same scarf.
Me: Especially if we wore it on the same day. Without planning it.

Yes. A scary thought. Just kidding. Anyway. Then we got out of the "sauna" (room 203) and went to the computer lab, which is always fun. Although this time, Madame did not think I was 100%-from-the-Ukraine, which was sad. I did "research", meaning Madame made me type things and went on her favorite lecture as of late, Why I Am Going to Miss You So Much When You Go To College I Just Don't Know What I Will Do With Myself [Because I Will Have To Learn How To Spell And Use Commas For Myself, which she never said, I just added it myself.] I love that lecture. It makes me feel so loved. But then I just have to say, "Madame. That's in three years. You need to, ahem, simmer down."

Yes. Then it was time for Stranger Danger lecture from D.R. That was pretty fun. Then we got it again from Madame. The Russian version? Ten times funnier. As everything is.

Comp Lit... um... Mrs. Pease sang. Scary things. All you ever need to know. Then she kidnapped Scott's cell phone. What a class, because apparently "class" and "waste of time and money" are the same thing. What is the point of Comp Lit for people who have grown up with computers, who do not know what it's like not to own one? I mean, I can see old people taking that class, but not us. We know how to use MS Word, thanks.

What's this I hear of an H&M opening in Brookfield Square? Is that my heart I hear singing?!

9.10.2005

"Uhhhh... can I take this one?"

"Everyone thinks Virginia was named for Queen Virginia. It was not. There never even was a Queen Virginia. It was named for Queen Elizabeth."
"Why?"
"Because she was a virgin."
"That's not what I heard!"

(I just remembered that. It made me laugh.)

Let's see. Yesterday. Pretty much the most boring day of forever. And also quite sad, because I had to miss history class for the orthodontist. You have no idea how sad that made me. But, oh well. There will be more history classes.

English, we talked about the Puritans again. Stary told us that we were definitely going to have to change the subject soon, because he had this professor in college who spent a whole quarter of American Literature talking about the Puritans. Yes. And apparently you can sing all Emily Dickinson poems to the tune of "The Yellow Rose of Texas" or "Amazing Grace." That's always good to know.

French was kind of crazier than usual. Well, not exactly. Nothing was really accomplished. Madame just kind of went insane and stole a bunch of my pictures, which she claims she is going to put in her scrapbook. Okay then.

Me: This seems to be a picture of a statue in a playground. Except that the statue looks like a man raping a bear, which is a little disconcerting.
Madame: He is not raping the bear.
Pencil Case: Madame said "raping!"
Me: What, are they dancing, then?

Then we watched more Zoolander, including the Freak Gasoline Fight Accident scene. Oh what a humorous movie.

By the end of the day, I was simply exhausted. I probably should have gone home, but instead I stayed to set up the dance. That was pretty fun, except for that bitch of a tiki hut and that bitch of a Jeep. Those need caution tape around them, because you just know that some freshman will touch them and then all our hard work will be for naught.

"I left my pans under my desk!"
"She just said that she left her pants under her desk."
"Did you just say that you left your pants under your desk?"
"No. My pans."
"Oh. That's not funny. It was funnier when she said it."

Then I accidentally flung the tape across the room while holding onto the end of it, which caused it to bunch up into a large confusing mess. That was interesting. As was Alex's psychotic TB coughing. And Alex and Pencil Case's tape fights.

Jessi: Where is my flying antelope?!

And oh, Charles, also known as Charlie. What an insane little boy.

The football game was fun. Well, not really. I was still exhausted, and I was past the point of exhausted to "bitchy and just wanting to go to bed but not actually wanting to go home." It's an interesting mood, you should try it sometime. It makes me sad that all my friends are band geeks. Because then we don't see them until, like, the fourth quarter. It is obscene and it makes me sad. Bet and I are going to restart American Bandstand, because we are probably two of a few American teenagers who actually know what it is. And my mom is crazy. Anyway, long story short, we won.

Well, I'm having an obsessive-compulsive need to organize my iTunes. I'll talk to you all later. Congratulations to everyone who made Swing Choir!

9.08.2005

"They were overachievers in the salvation department." -Stary

Let's see. Today involved another assembly. This time for church. Needless to say, it was much more boring than last time, because it did not involve Blumreich jumping around and saying crazy stuff like, "16 kids?! I wonder if they're Catholic!" So. Yeah. I'm going to be a bad Catholic and say it: mass is boring.

But you know what is not boring? History. I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again: Mrs. Campbell is my hero. Hands down.

(Jacob walks up to her and does yesterday's obscene hand gesture incorrectly.)
Mrs. C: No. Jacob, you did that wrong. You need to hit your fists twice.
Erik: What is that even from? Did you make it up!
Alyssa and I: It's from Friends!
Mrs. C: Yes, it is. I would always do it as a joke, or just whenever I got mad at people. But when my daughter was about five, she would start to do it to me when she was mad at me! She would just be like, "Mom! I'm mad at you!" [Does the obscene hand gesture.]

Yesssss. We talked about Henry the Eighth for a while and sang the infamous Henry the Eighth song. Did Anne Boleyn have six fingers or six toes? I think it was fingers. And for a while, we were on topic. Alyssa tried to get us back onto cannibalism.

Mrs. C: Why did the Puritans move?
Alyssa: So they could kill their wives and eat them!

(During an awkward pause of note-taking, Mrs. Campbell and I both laugh for no apparent reason.)
Mrs. C: Why are you laughing at me?! Did I spell something wrong?
Me: No! Why are you laughing at me?
Mrs. C: Well, whenever you give me that look, it makes me all nervous that I've spelled something wrong.

You know what word I did not know how to spell but she did, amazingly enough? Plymouth. I honestly had not a clue how to spell that one. For a while we just asked crazy questions and talked about how Brooker thinks Jacob is a stalker. This made Jacob angry, so he ripped up his picture of Celine Dion that was on the picture board.

Erin, not listening: Wait-- who's gay?!
Mrs. C: Elton John.
Jacob: Elton John is Celine Dion's best friend!!
Mrs. C: How can they be best friends if she apparently can't talk to him?!

Then we talked about the influence of shrooms in the Salem Witch Trials. Sorry, not shrooms. "Hallucinogenic mushrooms." Because those are different from shrooms how? Okay then. Suddenly the topic changed from the problems for people who did not own land to how all our presidents were old white men.

Mrs. C: Yeah, I used to have pictures of all the presidents hanging up all along the room. But I took them down. They were just getting kind of old... okay, actually, they had these creepy little beady eyes that would follow you around the room. They were freaky, and so that's most of the reason why they're gone.

Abigail and I talked about people who give their children stupid names at lunch. Oh, and Vicky needed "a tool that's long and hard" to open Abigail's broken locker. Yeah. And that wasn't a double-entendre at all.

English was more pilgrim talk as usual. Stary makes me laugh, although certain people in that class are extremely aggravating.

Random Kid, about Puritan beliefs: That's not really fair.
Stary: That's why I'm not a Puritan.

Stary: They were a little paranoid. It would be like, "I saw Lars with the Devil!! He's a witch!

Stary: They were overachievers in the salvation department.

Stary, on the Anne Bradstreet poem about the house burning down: Well, of course the house burned down. They were burning frickin' oil lamps and candles!

Geyer was full of crazy noises today in French. "Brrrrrrrrr!" with crazy head shake. "Ee-rrr-eee-rrr" with crazy marker gesture. It was ridiculous. But amusing.

Oh, PS. Go re-vote for me for French Club secretary! Because French Club is way too cool to be able to count properly and not vote twice! Yeah! Go us! Go vote! But only if you're voting for me... just kidding. (Kind of.)

9.07.2005

Pilgrims are Fun!

What an amusing day. Seriously, today was so amusing that even our assembly was amusing. That is probably because the assembly was pretty much run by everyone's favorite crazy person, Blumreich, who talked about crazy things like math and how he is going to dress up as a unicorn and how Squattiest Piece of Protoplaysm Ever plays DDR. Uh. Yes. Crazy man. Then, to up the crazy quotient, who appeared but Geyer? And she used the foreign excuse. If you don't love the "foreign" excuse, you just suck. And Pencil Case then got to be onstage too! Can you believe that all that craziness at once is legal? I can't.

Speaking of crazy. Let's talk about my personal favorite class ever, history. How easy is it to get Mrs. Campbell talking on a complete tangent? Very. How amusing is it? Completely.

Jacob: Did you know that Celine Dion doesn't talk the day before her shows to anyone? Not to anyone. Not even to her child.
Mrs. C: I feel bad for her child.
Anna: I feel bad for Jacob.
Jacob: No, don't feel bad for her child! They have a sign language!
Mrs. C: Like what? Like, [makes the ridiculous obscene hand gesture of pounding your fists against each other], "Thanks for not talking to me!"

Mrs. C: Some of them got so hungry that they would even murder their wives and eat them. Which is very, um. Yucky.
Jacob: Oh, come on. It's not that gross.
Mrs. C: Yes, it is, Jacob. You don't just murder your wife, spice her up like a piece of turkey, and eat her.

This was followed by a seven-minute discussion about cannibalism and that soccer/rugby team that crashed in the mountains and had to eat their best friend. We couldn't remember if it was a soccer or a rugby team, or how many people they had to eat, or what the name of that movie about that (the one with Ethan Hawke) was called. This was followed by a demonstration of how they ate the person in that movie, courtesy of Mrs. Campbell, which was, of course, lovely. Finally we remembered that we were actually supposed to be talking about Jamestown. So we talked about tobacco.

Mrs. C: You know, you'd go buy some ceramic thing, and you'd pay with tobacco. That was what they used for money. It would be like, 'Hey, I'll give you three tobacco leaves for that...' [Stops midsentence.]
Whole Class: For that what?
Mrs. C: Well. I was going to say, 'I'll give you three tobacco leaves for that pot', but I'm sure that wouldn't have sounded very appropriate to any passers-by.

However, we quickly got back off-topic when we started talking about illegal drugs and how certain drugs are illegal under certain circumstances.

Erin, sarcastically, after someone randomly mentions morphine: Oh, I better get that outta my locker!
Mrs. C: Yeah. Get it out before the dogs come.

Somehow, we managed to stay on topic for about two minutes after that.

Mrs. C: It isn't John Smith's fault that his people decided to raid the Native American villages while he was away. He really had nothing to do with that.

But then Charlie Brown and Snoopy came into play for no apparent reason.

Mrs. C: Tomorrow we're going to talk about pilgrims. Because pilgrims are fun!
Mark: Will you let us watch that movie where Charlie Brown and Snoopy are pilgrims?
Mrs. C: Yeah. (Long pause.) If I was your kindergarten teacher.

Suddenly the topic-- imagine this-- changed to spelling.

Mrs. C: I think Kellie is the master speller of the class. I mean, whenever I don't know how to spell something, which is a lot, I ask and she just knows it. Right away. She's just like, [strange hand gesture that looks like something that would demonstrate vomiting.]
Me: Yeah. That's me. I just puke up spellings.

Theology was the same thing it has been every day since the second day of school. I really am getting tired of talking in circles about the same two topics with random sexual comments dispersed between the two. And we handed in our half-page essays about "society's view of Original Sin." Not even joking. Can you tell me something about society's view of Original Sin? Yeah, didn't think so. And, also, would you trust a bunch of fifteen-year-olds to speak on behalf of all of society? What kind of a person does that?

We talked about pilgrims again in English, and Puritans, which I guess are one in the same, but not exactly. I mean, all pilgrims are Puritans but not all Puritans are pilgrims. Got that? But apparently I am the only person who finds it quite ironic that the pilgrims left England for "religious freedom" and went to practice one of the most repressive religions ever. And then it started thunderstorming. Which it is still doing. I love thunderstorms.

Everyone was in a very crazy mood in French. Especially Geyer. But that is to be expected.

Madame: Did I really say that? Wow. That's really funny. I'm so funny. I'm just a funny person. (This is about the ninety bazillionth time she has said this.)

Madame: Well, yes. Drop would have a direct or indirect object. Because I can drop someone. Like Pencil Case.

Well, Swing Choir tryouts tonight! Wish me luck!

9.06.2005

Trapped in the Subway with a Bag of Laundry

Okay. Really boring day. Completely boring. And I'm so nervous for Swing Choir tryouts. But, at the same time, I'm also very calm about them. I know that I'm not going to get in, so it's not as if I'm going to be disappointed.

Let's see. I'm skipping over the boring parts of the day. Why do I have, like, seventy open-notebook quizzes tomorrow? Okay. Two. But still. I had no open-notebook quizzes last year. This is getting kind of obscene.

Lunch was exciting. "Hey, sweetheart." Uhhhh yeah.

Oh, French. I adore Geyer because she says ridiculous things, does funny accents when we tell her to, yells at us constantly, and tells us the most deranged stories in the world.

"So. Yeah. Then I was riding the subway, with a bag of laundry and a bunch of homeless people who were staring at me, at midnight."
"Laundry?"
"Yeah, I went out to my friends' house in the suburbs. I brought my laundry. It was cheaper than going to the laundromat."
"You scammer!"
"I know. And then my ride wasn't there to pick me up, so I had to wander the streets of Manhattan, at midnight, with a big bag of laundry, trying to get to my dorm."
"And you were foreign."
"AND I WAS A FOREIGNER! That, too."

Yes. That Madame. Romping all over the streets of New York City late at night with laundry bags.

Um. Let's see. Buses are ridiculous. So then we romped around after school. That was pretty crazy. We talked to my hero Momma G. "Oh my gosh! You thought that too! So it's not just me. I've always wondered that! Seriously! And that was really funny. In a completely inappropriate way." Funniest woman ever. Then Pencil Case made up some story about handicapped people ganging up on this guy on a plow because he parked in a handicapped spot. Yeah. I don't know either.

So. I'm off to "study" for my "biology" "test."

Happy Birthday Mom! ♥

Well. Today my beloved mother is officially "of a certain age." But you'd never know it by looking at her. Anyway. Happy birthday to my favorite partner-in-crime ("crime" meaning "making fun of people.")

So. An exciting weekend. A long weekend, which is also very nice. Um. Let's see. I'm Kurt Cobain. My dog isn't photogenic. Chelsea is Osama. Pencil Case has a crazy dog that isn't fun to pet. We heart B&N. This kid in our yearbook looks exactly like Nosferatu. Pencil Case is going to re-invent Twin Day for his own purposes and amusement. It will even involve hair dye. And we are going to make crazy locker signs and put them all over the school.

I think our school needs to work on getting a moderate temperature. Because it is either freezing cold or boiling warm. This isn't working very well, now, is it?

Ou est Iron Lung? Iron Lung est la, j'espire. Mais je ne la vois pas. Ah non. (Where is Alex? Alex is here, I hope. But I do not see her. Oh no.)

Today I saw a picture of a sea lamprey in the newspaper. How terrifying. If I ever see one of those in real life, I will probably vomit. They are disgusting. And apparently they are getting into all of our lakes. Joyous. Downright joyous. Kind of like today.

9.02.2005

Improper Hosiery

Mr. Brooker, if you are reading this: Ha ha ha. I wore improper hosiery today. Oh, who am I kidding, I wasn't wearing hosiery at all!

Anyway. Today started out very badly. But I finally figured out my bus, and I love my bus. We just do really bad impressions of people. And Barry and I talk about Batman.

"Estufa's like, 'You kids need to stop looking out the door and you need to start focusing on your Espanol! You kids need pills!'" -Diana

"I really wish I could do impressions of Tan Pants. That would be such a great person to do impressions of. Like, 'I love crying. I think crying is awesome.'" -Barry

Barry, to Caitlin, whispering: Did we have German homework?
Diana: What, is German a secret now?!

We're now one of those horrid bribery schools that'll give you $50 to turn someone in. I don't know how I feel about that. It makes me feel like my infinite wisdoms come with a price tag or something. (That was a joke.) And we have drug-sniffing dogs, which I just find hilarious. We're going to have a whole kennel running amok in the school.

Anyway. Chloe and I were lab parters for Bio. That was pretty fun. "Oooh. Look. Little beady specks. And they're swimming!"

During Geometry, we talked about Mr. Hill's tattoo. Yeah. Because that's not terrifying at all. A stupid question from Erik, to me: "You have a dad?!"

I don't think there are words to describe exactly how much I love history class. Mrs. Campbell is pretty much my hero. And, yes, I am the best time-guesser ever. (Probably not, though.)

"I have a diagram for you guys."
"Did you draw it?"
"No."
"Celine would have drawn it."
"Well, more evidence that I'm not Celine, because I actually photocopied it from another textbook and probably broke a bunch of copyright laws in the process."
"I'm going to turn you in and make $50!"

"As you can see, it's pretty much your average Thanksgiving dinner."
"With pineapples?"
"Well, okay, except for the pineapples."

"See these scissors? That's from the last kid who mouthed off at me."
"Really?"
"No. Some kid was trying to break into my top desk drawer for gum and he never noticed that if he opened the middle drawer, the top drawer would open."
"Do you leave valuables in your desk?"
"Yeah. I'm really going to leave valuables in my desk with 800 juvenile delinquents running around."

I don't remember anything about theology. We probably talked about sex or something.

Lunch just makes me laugh. Vicky is my other hero. She is insane. I am seriously going to cry when she is not in our lunch next semester.

"Spirit fingers!"
"Oh my gosh. Spinger fingers-- I mean, spirit fingers."
[Vicky and I crack up.]
"I like that you laugh at your own jokes, Kel."

"Is there something we need to talk about here?"

Oh, English. I missed Chels very badly in this class. Who was there to attack me and whisper psychotic things for all of class? Nobody. That made my heart sad.

Oh, French. Madame just makes me laugh. And so does Maggie. And we watched Zoolander! Freak gasoline fight accidents! "But there's that one scene... we have to skip that one." [Maggie laughs maniacally.]

Pep rally. Go pep band. I love my band geek friends. And that Maggie and I definitely knew and sang all the words to that song. Because we're just that cool.

Comp Lit was absolutely horrible without Pencil Case. It was simply unbearable.

Football game tonight! Yay!

9.01.2005

A Shameless Plea

Please, please, please come to the French Club meeting next Thursday at 7:30 and vote for me for secretary. Please. I will buy you something. You will win my affections. I don't care if you take French or not, just come and vote for me and eat some donuts. It will be fun. I promise that I'm an excellent person for the job, what with my somewhat psychotic note-taking and list-making skills.

So. Anyway. Today was exciting. We talked about the pox in history class. I love that we spend about 80% of that class off the topic and still learn about a million things.

"P-O-X-S. No, wait. That really doesn't look right."

"What's the mumps? I don't even know what mumps are."
"It's that thing you always see on cartoons when they have that scarf on their head."
"Oh, that's right."

"You know, it's really kind of funny... well, maybe I'm just morbid. But I think it's kind of funny that apparently the terrorists are going to come on the subway with smallpox in a bottle and spray it at us and how we're all out of vaccination and how they're going to do all that biochemicalterrorism with it."
"Why are they called smallpox?"
"Because they're small. Actually... no. They're kind of big. They're bigger than chicken pox."
"OH MY GOD CHICKEN POX!"
"Why are they called chicken pox?"
"Um. Because they make your skin look like chicken."
"Really?"
"No. But I remember having the chicken pox! I remember that my mom seriously rubbed my brother against me when I had them so that he'd get them, too, because it would have taken, like, a year to go through our household. And we'd all line up every night to get that horrible pink lotion."
"Chicken pox are the best."
"Yeah, my kids never got the chicken pox though."
"What?!"
"They didn't. They got vaccinated. I didn't think it was necessary, but the doctor said, 'NO! THEY HAVE TO!' because apparently-- I never knew this-- chicken pox are deadly."
"YOUR CHILDREN NEVER HAD THE CHICKEN POX?!"
"No."
"THAT'S SUCH A PART OF CHILDHOOD, THOUGH. YOUR CHILDREN WERE NEVER CHILDREN!"
"Jacob. Shhhh. Wouldn't it be kind of funny if the terrorists, a long time from now, sprayed chicken pox at people on the subways?"

Yes. English is also mostly spent off the topic, too.

Me: That would be the crappiest Choose Your Own Adventure Book ever.

Molly: Do you remember those Animorphs books?!?!?!

French is such a non-class it's not even funny.

Chelsea: If you cheat, you die.
Madame: No, you don't. You just burn in hell forever.

And Comp Lit was just Pencil Case and I laughing at that stupid video.

Me: The lady in the video is an illegal immigrant.
Pencil Case: From Mexico... oh, wait. She's Chinese.

[Little men in white jumpsuits with math symbols on their shirts are demonstrating what happens inside a computer.]
Me, sarcastically: It really looks like that, too.
Pencil Case, in seriousness: Really? It does?

Pencil Case: Compy Tahhhhhtsie.
Me: Tahhhhhtsie? Are you from Boston?
Pencil Case Um. Yes.