"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."


Non, je ne regrette rien.

Paris was absolutely, positively brilliant in every way. I would love to sit down and recount everything we saw and did every day, but that is probably not as interesting as talking about all the fun, funny things that happened, and the latter are just as much a part of the trip as the former. Yes, it is great that we saw the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre and everything, but it's much more entertaining for you to hear that our first apartment had a butt-washer and a sign on the bathroom that said "PIPI ROOM." So, without further ado, quotes from Paris:

Kathy: Gertrude Stein was a fat, ugly bitch. The only reason Alice B. Toklas stayed with her is because she threatened to sit on her.
Mai: Alice B. Pancake!

Me, holding up two steins: Okay. This stein is named Gertrude. This one is named Alice B. Toklas.

[Looking at Gertrude Stein's grave at Pere Lachaise cemetery. There is Gertrude's grave, a bunch of rocks on her grave, and a green plastic thing that looks like a dumpster in the ground next to it.]
Kathy: Oh, there's Gertrude! But where's Alice?
Me: She's in that green plastic thing that looks like a dumpster.

Peg, who has fallen ill: Kathy, I think I have multiple sclerosis!
Kathy: Multiple sclerosis? You're f***ing nuts, Peg. Where the hell did you go to medical school?!

Kathy: You have an undiagnosed brain tumor.

Kathy: This is a clear case of demonic posession.

Kathy: Peg is going to get here and say, 'I need proooooootein.'

Peg, day one: I need protein.

Peg: You look like a fetus...haha. Cletus the Fetus!

Isabelle: You're bleeding! Would you like some cotton?

Kathy: Je panse comme un pansement. (I think like a bandage.)

Isabelle: Every country has a gender.
Me, being a know-it-all: No! Israel doesn't have a gender.
Mai: Haha. It's a cross-dresser.
Isabelle: What's that?
Mai: A man who wears women's clothing.
Isabelle: And you call that an Israel?

Kathy: I have scabies! There are bedbugs in that bed and now they are crawling all over my skin!

Kathy: Oh, look. The cleaning ladies ransacked while we were away.

Kathy: I like gummies. They massage my gums. I feel like I'm chewing my cud... maybe I was a cow in a past life.

Overhead Speaker Man, after we finally land in Paris after a four-hour delay: Well, the terminal collapsed about a year ago, so...

Kathy: SHIT. I left the Black Bag of Calcutta at the airport!

Kathy: This bag stinks like it came from a hell-hole.

The radio song at Galeries Lafayette: Rock me like my back ain't got no bone.

Kathy: Is a chickpea that... thing?

Kathy: It is a wonder that you do not have rip-roaring diahhrea!

[Rick Steves was our beloved guidebook.]
Me: I'm Rick Steves, bitch!

Kathy: I went to buy an iron and I asked for a brush fire instead!

Oh, yes. Best vacation ever, though I missed you all dearly.


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