"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."


Being Lame is Cool Again

It might sound really lame that what I did this Friday night was stayed home and watched TV with my mother. But, really, if you know my mother, you understand exactly why this is the least lame thing in the world. In fact, it is one of the greatest. Because my mom is crazy and hilarious. (P.S., Mother, you had better be reading this at work, like you're not supposed to be doing.)

First, we watched our beloved What Not To Wear:

Mom: Ew! I hate that dress. It's like a hausfrau dress.

She continued to make fun of the hausfrau dress whenever they put it on screen. Which was a really unfortunate amount of time, to be quite honest. Then there was another episode of What Not To Wear, but it was a guy, and the ones with guys are always, always really boring. So we watched Tommy Lee Goes to College on VH1 while flipping to whatever was on HGTV at commercial breaks.

Somewhere in there, we got to talking about random and crazy things, as usual. And my mother invented a Geometry Song.

Mom: I LOVE GEOMETRY AND GEOMETRY LOVES ME! [Name of her crazy Romanian geometry teacher, which I'm not going to put down in case he's still alive and Googles himself one day. But you'll just have to trust that it's a very humorous name. And maybe you can use your imagination.]

Mom: Tommy Lee is my rockstar boyfriend.

Then she changed the channel to the Style Network. Foody Call was on. This is pretty much the strangest show I've ever seen in my life. Basically, men try to cook so they can sleep with girls they know. Or at least this is what I've gathered. I made my mother change the channel before I learned too much.

Me: That was the creepiest show ever. Well, except for Diary of an Affair.

[I talk myself into a corner and my mom makes fun of me.]
Me: Mom! Shut up! Stop talking me into a hole.
Mom: You talked yourself into a hole!
Me: [Long pause.] Well, SO?

Then our dog, Hayley, decided to join us on the couch. My friends, for some reason, love Hayley. We do not. She comes and licks us, or at least tries to, and then shoves her head between the couch cushions and sits like that for a while. Then she comes out and sneezes and saliva flies everywhere, but mostly on my mom. It was one of the grosser things Hayley has done in her five-year life.

Anyway, the conversation quickly turned to how my mom is going to be Chelsea's parent for parent-teacher conferences for very shallow reasons, and then she started offering the dog booze. Shortly afterward, her sarcasm once again got her in trouble and she decided it was time to go to bed.


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