"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."

8.31.2005

Unicorns, Fairy Dust, and Celine Dion.

Oh my goodness gracious. Well, the big exciting news is that we got our yearbooks today. There are a lot of unfortunate pictures of me in it, so if you got yours, just kindly ignore those. However, they're still not as unfortunate as Momma G's picture. There is never a time when that picture will not be funny.

[Pencil Case opens his yearbook during Comp Lit.]
Pencil Case: (a good two and a half minutes of high-pitched giggling)
[Pencil Case looks at the picture again after the giggling ceases.]
Pencil Case: (a good minute more of the same giggling.)

Chelsea: I love Momma G, but that picture makes her look like she has... special needs.

Momma G: MY PICTURE IS HORRIBLE. I look like a big loser dork! I look like I require special ed!

Yes. It is a hilarious picture. But not quite as hilarious as history class. First of all, we finally got our seating chart. Jacob wanted to sit in the front row, and was genuinely convinced, for some reason, that his desk was there. But, no, it was up against the wall, back in the corner. This did not please him.

"I'm going to throw a fit!"

"I can't sit here... I'm getting claustrophobic!" [Jacob whips out his inhaler.]
"I don't know if I should shut you up or just let you suffer."

"The wall is a good place, Jacob. You can rest your head against it."
"It'll make my shoulder hurt!"
"Well, you can always hit it until Mr. Schultz comes and yells at me."

Anyway. The lesson was quite hilarious, too.

"Imagine if, let's say, Canada took us over."

"Wait-- were those the guys who had shrunken heads?"
"No, that was somebody else."

"Native Americans don't celebrate Columbus Day quite the way we do."

"And the Pope decided. Yeah, because the Pope knows so much about navigation."

"Sometimes I say really disgusting things and I have absolutely no idea where they come from."

Then, about halfway through class, Jacob decided he was going to introduce Celine Dion, probably as revenge for his new seat.

Jacob: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Celine Dion?
Mrs. Campbell: Don't say that, Jacob! I hate Celine Dion! And my husband thinks she's the ugliest woman in the world.
Me: She is pretty ugly. She looks like a boiled owl.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, especially when she had that short hair.
Erik: Kellie, what kind of a sick person would boil an owl?!
Jacob: Why do you hate Celine Dion so much?
Mrs. Campbell: She has a nice voice, I just cannot watch her sing. She does all these... arm motions. It drives me crazy. And then she has that creepy old husband, who she's known since she was twelve or fourteen or something. Why would you marry someone that much older than you, who you've known since you were twelve? That's creepy.

So Celine Dion came up pretty much the whole class period. "Hey! Can we get a tape of Celine Dion singing songs about the New World?!" Oh, Jacob.

For a while, we talked about Spain and Portugal and how Mrs. Pease spoke Spanish to a Portugese person. "Well, maybe she just got over-excited about knowing a little bit of Spanish." "That doesn't change that she spoke Spanish to a Portugese person!"

Then it was off to theology. I was expecting some boring sex talk as usual. But, no. We got to work in groups and talk about the creation story. My group was Maggie and Alyssa, so, as you can imagine, we pretty much just laughed and talked about random things the whole time. Like unicorns. And oil trees. And now Tan Pants is concerned for our future children. Well, that just made us laugh harder.

We got our yearbooks at lunch! Oh, exciting. And Chelsea called our theology book, which is called Sex and the Teenager "Sex with the Teenager."

Me: Chelsea, that sounds like a statutory rape book.

Then it was time for English. Today we talked about creation, and Alyssa yelled out, "UNICORNS!", which caused her and I to laugh for a long period of time with people looking at us strangely. Oh, well. Then we talked about Scientologists and dinosaurs for a bit.

Stary: Yeah, so, maybe Tyrannosaurus Rex was actually a scavenger.
Chelsea, quietly: Maybe he sprinkled fairy dust on all the fields!

Stary: Do you guys learn scripture in theology?
Chelsea: No! We learn about sex!
Stary: [frightened face.]

This made me laugh quite hard, so then I kidnapped Chelsea's shoe, since she wouldn't stop touching my hair. And then we just talked crazy talk for a while. "Mr. Stary! You're stepping on Creation!!"

Erik: I love that I'm holding a flower in this picture. Yeah. Because that's not gay at all.

French just makes me laugh. Today we talked about Madame's daughter, Katia.

Chels: Is Katia cute?
Madame: No.
[Gasps.]
Madame: Of course she's cute, what am I supposed to say?!

So then it occured to me that I actually didn't need my sheet signed. So that ride to school was just a waste of time for my mom. Oh gosh.

Comp Lit was just more Pencil Case and I laughing about nothing. Also, we still haven't used computers. And Mrs. Pease addresses us by shirt colors and last names. And Pencil Case makes drawings all over my notebook, such as "Estufa as a Sea Monkey." Oh, well, at least they aren't masterpieces all over my arms again.

This is your last reminder to at least listen to the new Death Cab for Cutie CD. Do it for me.

8.30.2005

Freddie Mercury

Oh, my gosh. School is so entertaining. Or should I say, my friends are so entertaining.

What is not so entertaining is that I was late for school today because it turns out my bus doesn't come to the stop the bus service told me to go to, because the main street of Allouez is all torn up. So now I have no idea where I'm supposed to catch my bus in the morning. Oh, well. It shortened study hall up a bit, what can I say?

Bio and Geometry were pretty much the same. History was fun as usual. I rocked the vocab with "bureaucracy." Oh ho ho. And Erik makes me laugh. "That's spelled with a K! I'm named after him." "Erik. No. It's not." He was still on that kick in English, too. Oh boy.

Theology was fun because Barbie, despite living in Wisconsin, had no idea that deer meat was edible.

Tan Pants: You can, you know, do Hunt for the Hungry or whatever.
Barbie: How's a dead deer gonna help a hungry person?!
Random Person: Food! Duh!
(Long pause.)
Barbie: Wait--- you can eat deer?!

Okay then. Lunch is the highlight of my life. I love it to pieces. Well, I love today's lunch conversations to pieces.

Maggie: I feel gross, because I'm not wearing any makeup.
Vicky: I'm not wearing any either! I'm just naturally beautiful!
Me: I wear a little!
Vicky, touching my face for no reason: No, you don't--- wait. I can tell that you're wearing blush!
Me: No...
Vicky, now patting my face and talking in this crazy grandma voice: Oh! That's so cute, that's just your natural face! Awww!

Oh Vicky. Then Chelsea wanted to tell Mr. Brooker that he is Freddie Mercury, or at least she thinks so. You can imagine how amusing this was, but I will tell you what happened anyway. I was there for moral support, and Alex was there to laugh at our expense, which is funny, because it's usually the other way around.

Chels: Mr. Brooker, has anybody ever told you that if you had a mustache, you would look like Freddie Mercury?
Mr. Brooker: What?
Chels: You know, the lead singer of Queen.
Mr. Brooker: I know who he is, but... I don't want to look like Freddie Mercury! He's dead! (We laugh.) And very gay!
(An awkward, what-in-hell?-our-associate-principal-just-said-"gay" pause.)
Mr. Brooker I think you should go tell Mrs. Campbell that. She's at the front desk. I'm sure she'll think it's very funny.
(So we vamanos out to the front desk.)
Me: Hi! Mr. Brooker sent us out here to tell you that Chelsea thinks he looks like Freddie Mercury.
Mrs. Campbell, laughing very hard: Oh my god, that's hilarious. That's so great. I always tell him that he looks like that cat from Alice in Wonderland. What's it called?
Alex: The Cheshire Cat!
Me: Oh my gosh, he does look like the Cheshire Cat! That's perfect.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, he thinks he looks like Ben Affleck or somebody, though.

Yes. Pretty much the most enjoyable lunch conversations of forever. You so wish you were a part of them.

English was also pretty amusing. We talked about Erik's hypochondriac dog, alligator on a stick, and "downright joyous." That class is going to be way too much fun. Oh, and Molly had a laughing fit because of this conversation:
Me: KR always stares at me during Geometry.
Erik: Kellie, he sits in front of you.
Me: Well, he could at least pretend to blink sometimes!
[Molly cracks up.]

Review time in French class. Which was actually fun. According to Madame, I have adopted Pencil Case.

Madame: You've adopted Pencil Case!
Me: Um. No. I never signed that paper. I never made that decision.
Madame: Oh, I must have made that decision for you. Don't make that face, somebody has to.
Me: Some adoption service you are.

After class we had a good laugh about "tan pants", which she of course had no recollection of ever saying, and therefore thought was just hilarious.

I love that we have yet to use actual computers in Comp Lit. Yeah, that makes so much sense. Goodness gracious.

I had to go back to get my French workbook after school, because I realized that I actually would have time to do it, and so Madame asked me, "Why is Pencil Case so giggly all the time?!" Yes. Giggly. Also, why would I know this?

Tonight I went to Target and bought the new Death Cab for Cutie CD. It is so good. I love it. If you have never listened to Death Cab in your life, you should. Oh, who am I kidding, I will probably force it upon you. Then my mom and I sat in the car and took funny pictures of ourselves on her cameraphone. Haha. That was enjoyable. "Nice aim!" "Oh, I look drunk in that picture." "No, you just look manic." "Look, it's my lone dimple!" Oh, yes. It was quite fun.

8.29.2005

The Blog is Back? Apparently So.

Oh, first day of school. And what a great way to start it, in the longest study hall of my entire life. I honestly thought it would never end. And then it was off to Bio B. Which seems like it will be quite easy.

You would think that Geometry with Trigonometry would imply things that, you know, weren't algebra. But apparently not? Erik and I were terribly confused. And what is with all this new business of not leaving at the bell and waiting to be dismissed? Why do we have that in every class this year and zero classes last year? Oh, and before walking into Geo w/ Trig, I was thinking, "Gee, math... I don't have Paul in my class this year! Oh my. That's exciting."

Yeah, except that the second I get into the room, I hear, "KELLIE!" from the corner of the room. And just guess who it was? Paul.

So then it was time for history. I was talking to Erik and Caitlin, and all of the sudden, Jacob rushes into the room, sits behind me, and announces at the top of his lungs that I am, indeed, his MySpace friend. Oh Jacob. He proceeded to make noise and laugh at people for the whole of class, where we mostly played If You Were an Animal, What Animal Would You Be. Then we played another game called Let's Make the Foreign Exchange Student Make Animal Sounds. Then Erik laughed at me for having theology next and I told him that I'd had about enough of his lip today. Oh, and Phong's new name is Lars, which makes me laugh to absolutely no end.

So, theology. Pretty sure we managed to only talk about sex ten bazillion and a half times already. But that class will be fun, because Maggie and I will probably just laugh at people at random moments that no one else does and make fools of ourselves, as usual. But we will be having about 6,000 times much more fun than anyone else in Sophomore Sex Talk-- I mean, Theology.

Next it was lunch time. Woo-hoo. I like to eat, who doesn't? Except my yogurt melted, and then I was sad. But Pencil Case taunted people with French fries, and Alex and I had ridiculous conversations, and so it was a good time. Alex makes me laugh harder than anyone I know. "I ran into a tree while playing night games!" Sure, Alex. Sounds good to me.

Then it was time for English. Stary just talked about random things like rules, just like everyone else. He, of course, took it upon himself to use Chelsea and I (the drama nerds) as examples of everything. So you would think we were juvenile delinquents who can't dress ourselves and have nothing better to do in English than eat chips? Yes. Oh, and then he used me as the know-it-all example, and declared "this one is actually true." Thanks, Stary. But we get to journal in that class. I like that.

Oh French class. All that ever happens is that we antagonize Madame. First I decided to rename her G-Money. She didn't like that. So now I need a new nickname for her that is appropriately ghetto but not the already-used G-Dawg. Then we just antagonized her about the new attendance policy. Soon we'll be antagonizing her about the state of the hallways, broken locker handles, and other petty things she has no control over.

Me: But what if I have an emergency root canal?
Madame: Kellie, I honestly don't think anyone ever seriously needs an emergency root canal.
Me: Maybe I will.

Maybe I really will have an emergency root canal, just to spite her. She still thinks I've grown, too. This is perfectly ridiculous because I am the exact same height she made fun of for the whole of last year.

Finally she just got fed up with us and told us we would just have to talk to "Meeeeester Broooooooker." Then Pencil Case started laughing maniacally for no reason because he "had a visual of Madame jumping on the table and whooping." Okay, then. Then she just made Chels and me tape stuff up that's going to come down anyway? Oh, the extraneous effort.

Afterward, it was time for Comp Lit. Well, if that isn't a total waste, I don't know what is. The only good part was sitting by Pencil Case and Joe, and notes. Dumpster-Diving! Oh, and then our numerous re-namings. "Mrs. Carrots! Mrs. Potatoes!" "Yeah, Pencil Case. Mrs. Vitamin C! Mrs. Night Vision!"

Oh, school, what am I going to do about you?

8.20.2005

Being Lame is Cool Again

It might sound really lame that what I did this Friday night was stayed home and watched TV with my mother. But, really, if you know my mother, you understand exactly why this is the least lame thing in the world. In fact, it is one of the greatest. Because my mom is crazy and hilarious. (P.S., Mother, you had better be reading this at work, like you're not supposed to be doing.)

First, we watched our beloved What Not To Wear:

Mom: Ew! I hate that dress. It's like a hausfrau dress.

She continued to make fun of the hausfrau dress whenever they put it on screen. Which was a really unfortunate amount of time, to be quite honest. Then there was another episode of What Not To Wear, but it was a guy, and the ones with guys are always, always really boring. So we watched Tommy Lee Goes to College on VH1 while flipping to whatever was on HGTV at commercial breaks.

Somewhere in there, we got to talking about random and crazy things, as usual. And my mother invented a Geometry Song.

Mom: I LOVE GEOMETRY AND GEOMETRY LOVES ME! [Name of her crazy Romanian geometry teacher, which I'm not going to put down in case he's still alive and Googles himself one day. But you'll just have to trust that it's a very humorous name. And maybe you can use your imagination.]

Mom: Tommy Lee is my rockstar boyfriend.

Then she changed the channel to the Style Network. Foody Call was on. This is pretty much the strangest show I've ever seen in my life. Basically, men try to cook so they can sleep with girls they know. Or at least this is what I've gathered. I made my mother change the channel before I learned too much.

Me: That was the creepiest show ever. Well, except for Diary of an Affair.

[I talk myself into a corner and my mom makes fun of me.]
Me: Mom! Shut up! Stop talking me into a hole.
Mom: You talked yourself into a hole!
Me: [Long pause.] Well, SO?

Then our dog, Hayley, decided to join us on the couch. My friends, for some reason, love Hayley. We do not. She comes and licks us, or at least tries to, and then shoves her head between the couch cushions and sits like that for a while. Then she comes out and sneezes and saliva flies everywhere, but mostly on my mom. It was one of the grosser things Hayley has done in her five-year life.

Anyway, the conversation quickly turned to how my mom is going to be Chelsea's parent for parent-teacher conferences for very shallow reasons, and then she started offering the dog booze. Shortly afterward, her sarcasm once again got her in trouble and she decided it was time to go to bed.

8.13.2005

Non, je ne regrette rien.

Paris was absolutely, positively brilliant in every way. I would love to sit down and recount everything we saw and did every day, but that is probably not as interesting as talking about all the fun, funny things that happened, and the latter are just as much a part of the trip as the former. Yes, it is great that we saw the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre and everything, but it's much more entertaining for you to hear that our first apartment had a butt-washer and a sign on the bathroom that said "PIPI ROOM." So, without further ado, quotes from Paris:

Kathy: Gertrude Stein was a fat, ugly bitch. The only reason Alice B. Toklas stayed with her is because she threatened to sit on her.
Mai: Alice B. Pancake!

Me, holding up two steins: Okay. This stein is named Gertrude. This one is named Alice B. Toklas.

[Looking at Gertrude Stein's grave at Pere Lachaise cemetery. There is Gertrude's grave, a bunch of rocks on her grave, and a green plastic thing that looks like a dumpster in the ground next to it.]
Kathy: Oh, there's Gertrude! But where's Alice?
Me: She's in that green plastic thing that looks like a dumpster.

Peg, who has fallen ill: Kathy, I think I have multiple sclerosis!
Kathy: Multiple sclerosis? You're f***ing nuts, Peg. Where the hell did you go to medical school?!

Kathy: You have an undiagnosed brain tumor.

Kathy: This is a clear case of demonic posession.

Kathy: Peg is going to get here and say, 'I need proooooootein.'

Peg, day one: I need protein.

Peg: You look like a fetus...haha. Cletus the Fetus!

Isabelle: You're bleeding! Would you like some cotton?

Kathy: Je panse comme un pansement. (I think like a bandage.)

Isabelle: Every country has a gender.
Me, being a know-it-all: No! Israel doesn't have a gender.
Mai: Haha. It's a cross-dresser.
Isabelle: What's that?
Mai: A man who wears women's clothing.
Isabelle: And you call that an Israel?

Kathy: I have scabies! There are bedbugs in that bed and now they are crawling all over my skin!

Kathy: Oh, look. The cleaning ladies ransacked while we were away.

Kathy: I like gummies. They massage my gums. I feel like I'm chewing my cud... maybe I was a cow in a past life.

Overhead Speaker Man, after we finally land in Paris after a four-hour delay: Well, the terminal collapsed about a year ago, so...

Kathy: SHIT. I left the Black Bag of Calcutta at the airport!

Kathy: This bag stinks like it came from a hell-hole.

The radio song at Galeries Lafayette: Rock me like my back ain't got no bone.

Kathy: Is a chickpea that... thing?

Kathy: It is a wonder that you do not have rip-roaring diahhrea!

[Rick Steves was our beloved guidebook.]
Me: I'm Rick Steves, bitch!

Kathy: I went to buy an iron and I asked for a brush fire instead!

Oh, yes. Best vacation ever, though I missed you all dearly.