"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."

4.04.2005

Feeding Tubes, Nancy Reagan, and Other Stories

That is the title of my spring break. That is right. Spring Break is all about feeding tubes, ladies and gentlemen.

For spring break, I traveled, avec ma famille, to the lovely island of Marco Island, Florida. For those of you who do not know how lovely it is, turn on MTV's Spring Break this week. That is where they are having it, which is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. What are you going to do, rock out with the old folks who have no taste in sunglasses? Anyway, it was a lovely supposed-to-be-24-hours-but-actually-28-hours-thanks-to-traffic drive. Mainly because I listened to my iPod, ate bagels, and repeatedly watched Moulin Rouge the whole way. I have decided that "Le Tango de Roxanne" is the most brilliantly choreographed thing I've ever seen.

Anyway, Aunt Lovely was there for all of a day, but we still had many good conversations as we often do, about varied topics such as family and my freakishly pale skin. CoolAunt was there for three days, bringing us all a great amount of insanity and Terri Schiavo jokes.

CoolAunt, every eight minutes: Is Terri Schiavo dead yet?

CoolAunt's Terri Schiavo impression: I... want... to... liiiive.

(I take off my seatbelt before the car stops fully, so it starts beeping.)
CoolAunt: An angel rang its bell! Terri Schiavo must be dead!
Me: That was wrong on so many levels.

Me: Do you remember when Grandma told you that you have no respect for the dead?
CoolAunt: Well, I didn't watch CNN to hear about Ronald Reagan. And, if you ask me, Nancy Reagan was a little bit dramatic when Ronny died. I mean, come on! He was old! Like she didn't know it was coming!

CoolAunt: I'm going to send you a feeding tube for Christmas.

There was also the incident of the rainy day. It wasn't even really rainy, just cloudy and very windy. Which caused enormously huge big waves. Which triggered CoolAunt, Ricky, and I to go out in the Gulf with boogie boards. It was, of course, great. Until I got knocked over and dragged up the shore through several feet of pointy seashells on my butt. There was a lot of blood and it stung horribly. The actual wound, however, is not on my butt but just below my butt on my right leg, a three-by-six-inch patch of scratches. It actually looks kind of cool.

You can imagine that, for the rest of the week, my family had quite a bit of fun mocking me and my asswound. That was until I got the World's Weirdest Sunburn that has now morphed into the World's Weirdest Suntan. I hate being pale. Anyway, I burnt: the tops of my feet, my ankles, the line where my skin meets my swimsuit, and... my hairline. Who, with all due respect (which, in my case, is none), manages to sunburn their hairline?

In case you haven't guessed, this was not the best trip in the world. In fact, the only good parts were CoolAunt's insanity, the ballet flats I bought at Tarzhjay, watching Moulin Rouge, and watching TV and reading personal ads to mock people with La Mere. The Office might be my new favorite TV show. Any show where people spend several scenes with notecards that say things like "Jewish" and "Jamaican" on their heads has a special place in my heart forever. Also, I love the jingly jangly piano themesong.

(We're watching an Access Hollywood clip from Showdog Moms and Dads.)
La Mere, to the guy on TV: You're gaaaay. (I crack up.) Seriously. Name for me one heterosexual man who would do that for his dog!

La Mere, reading a personal ad out loud: Island Man. 35 year old single white male, loves fishing and boating. Lives on a small island--
Me, giggling: Oh my god. It's Gilligan!

La Mere, reading another one: 37 year old divorced white male. Nonsmoker. Loves Tupac.
Me: You don't need to say anymore.
La Mere: I need to cut some of these out. Because no one is going to believe us.

I'd have to say that one of my least favorite parts of the trip was Das Vater's spectacle of bad jokes. Here is a sampling:

Me: I figure with the whole Terri Schiavo thing--
CoolAunt: Is she dead yet?
Me: Not yet. Anyway, if you are ever in a state like that, where you're just going to be a vegetable if you live, what do you want done?
Das Vater: Well, if I'm going to be a vegetable, I want to be a cucumber. Yeah, because they're more appeeling .
La Mere, at Ricky who is laughing: Don't laugh! It just encourages him!

(We're talking about Ed Gean, that guy who made lampshades out of human skin.)
Das Vater: Did you hear what Ed Gean keeps in his sewing kit?
CoolAunt: No.
Das Vater: Belly buttons!
Me: Wow, Das Vater. Very clever.
Das Vater: Did you hear why Ed Gean was finally arrested?
Me: No, why?
Das Vater: For shipping arms to Russia!

(We see a redneck.)
Das Vater: Ricky, go ask him, "If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister?"

Yes, further proof that not everyone is a comedian, but, rather, everyone thinks they are one. Needless to say, I was very glad to be back in French class this morning, where the people are genuinely funny. Poor Pencil Case has tonsillitis, I definitely hope he gets better soon. However, he was still a barrel of laughs.

Pencil Case: My rabbit is named Kelsey!
Kelsey: Great. I'm thrilled. Really.

Pencil Case: Have you ever eaten duck?
Madame: Oui.
Pencil Case: Haha. Madame eats ducks!

Madame: Okay, people, quiet down. And when I say "people", Pencil Case, what I actually mean is "Pencil Case."

Me, pointing to Pencil Case's "Just Say No" pin: Who do you think you are, Nancy Reagan?

Maggie: I am not the magic bag of wonders, Paul!

Oy vey, English speeches. I realize that I will fail no matter who I speak about, because all my idols either don't do anything heroic or are certifiably insane. So perhaps, as I wrote in the margin of my list of ideas, I will just BS it and write about that gorilla lady Sigourney Weaver played in Gorillas in the Mist or Mother Teresa.

In ICP, I shared the wonder of New York Magazine with Adult Hermione. Mainly because there was an article about Spamalot that she was interested in. Then we took notes and I tried to brainstorm about my English speech at the same time. It didn't work well.

Thankfully in Theology, all we talked about was The Death of Popey, as I call it. This is good because we were supposed to read the Gospel of Mark (or maybe Matthew) over break and I am quite sure that none of us did. Then Toe Touches talked about the USSR and the Cold War, which he blames for everything. We talked about the KGB and I wish Bet had been there.

Lunch, I got to eat and read my New York Magazine and be the grammar darling known as "Kel, honey" or "Kiddo." Yep, I'm awesome.
ABC was a horrid person in algebra and wouldn't give me credit for my assignment because I didn't have work. Which is stupid, because I still did a lot more than all the people who didn't do the assignment at all. I should not be placed on par with them, especially when all the ones that I couldn't figure out in my head had work. Art was not much better. I basically spent the last twenty minutes waiting for it to end. My abstract composition is going to be a piece of crap. I should just make it the Rocky and Bullwinkle or Copacabana that the brilliant Pencil Case drew entirely of seashell shapes in my sketchbook.

2 Comments:

Blogger mai babbled mindlessly...

It's so true!!! CoolAunt really doesn't have any respect for the dead! For example: when searching for the electrical outlet in grandma's house, she said both "LOOK! IT'S A JEW! LOOKS LIKE THE NAZIS DIDN'T GET THIS ONE!!!" and, while holding a teddy bear, "Oh my god! It's Jimmy Buffet!"

Molly, Ali and I piously followed the Pope's declining health in a Culver's booth, sipping cherry coca cola and eating chicken and onion rings. The channel was set to Fox-- who oh so prudently chose to film his fucking window. "Maybe he'll jump out!" (Molly) and "Hahaha, so what if an assassin randomly ran out of the window with a machine gun??" (Ali) were the choice comments.

I'm very sorry CoolAunt was only there for three days. And yes, those Ed Gean jokes made me laugh out loud.

I hope your asswound gets better. Yes, I do. Oh so sincerely. You crazy kiddo.

7:26 PM

 
Blogger Van Chelsing babbled mindlessly...

Haha! Your family is soo funny. The Ed Gean joke cracked me up. I'm sorry about your boogie bording bonanza. I hope your butt.. I mean upper thigh gets better.

I'm very excited that you are back from Florida. Although you can't be online, I can still see your glimmering face in French, English, and History. Tee hee hee.

Wow, I commented and I'm not even angry about it! Go me! WOO WOO Chuga chuga choo.

11:40 AM

 

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