"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."

12.26.2004

Missing

I was in a horrible, awful, genuinely bad mood today. Now, for some reason, this mood decided to wait until the day after Christmas, and it wasn't even about the holidays. It was about not wanting to go shopping but still being forced to anyway and then not buying anything, my mom being absolutely obessed with buying a shirt for school that goes with the cardigan she bought me because apparently I don't have 85 school shirts too many already, my mom pointing out a million sweaters for school at the Gap when I really didn't want to shop for clothes, and realizing I haven't seen any of my peeps since Wednesday. Which is four days, four really really long family-filled days. I'm home, but I'm not.

I miss Pencil Case, who is not even in the damn state. I miss gym class with him, being passive-aggresive towards The Moo with Chelsey and making fun of QB. I miss our random and somewhat violent conversations over IM. I miss Chelsea and Maggie so much, too, but I really solemnly swear and promise to see them tomorrow even if it means killing my father and buying a chauffer with the insurance money. I miss people who don't just assign blame to whoever is near, which is a pretty apt description of my father after my mom told him that if he's going to continue to blame his childhood, she's going to make him see a specialist so he can "get the hell over it." So he just blames me for being annoyed with his family, which we all are, I just happen to be the most easy to tack all the blame to. None of my little peeps are online to talk to and that makes me sad. I miss French class. I miss Madame and our little chats. I miss Betty Jean.

This sucks. I usually see my favorite people, my non-family non-judgemental intellectual non-blaming people, on a daily basis. And I just braved four whole days of constant family without them. I wish I could pinpoint why my family sucks, but I can't. If I could, my explanation would be: we just do.

This is why I didn't post much over the holidays, this is why I hate the holidays. The holidays just feed every passive-aggressive behavior anyone has. I'm tired of being sad and moody and overemotional but still nonemotive. And so, I'm going to pretend it's not the holidays. I can just pretend I don't have a family and that I am an orphan girl who lives in a community of movie-watching hilarious peeps. And I can stop being so damn self-centered.

Well, that's out of my system. I'm going to go work on my novel-concept-which-will-probably-never-happen now.

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