"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."

9.28.2004

Frunch.

French and lunch are the best part of my day, for real. During lunch, Diana was trying to open her banana in the most demented way I've ever seen, and BB just cracks hers right open and starts eating it, and then laughs at Diana, who goes, "Maybe I've got a hard one." Which made us laugh like nine-year-old boys. Heeee. We're so mature. That was pretty much the highlight of my day, except for Angie's just-now confession that she helped a stripper pick out makeup today. Don't ask. I didn't.

And, of course, French. Insanity. Here's a rough transcript:

[announcements and shit. The pledge card comes up.]

Me: Yeah, we're never going to get a Krispy Kreme party! Because we didn't get a pledge check on Friday!
Genius Idea: Well, you guys should have told me!
Chelsea: I'm not a teacher! It's not my job to remember pledge checks!
Genius Idea: Well, fine then, we'll have a pledge check now. Show me your pledge cards, the money, ha, show me the money!

[then we're forced to split up into two groups. Maggie, Chelsea, and I were all put in the same group, not a good idea. Then we were forced to go up to the board and answer questions about our pronouns and our verb forms, even better. Noname is called up and gets the completely wrong answer.]

Noname: Are you sure that's not an answer?
Genius Idea: Hmmm... lemmethinkaboutthatoneNO.

[I go up and also get completely the wrong answer, but only because Maggie before me spelled it wrong. Genius Idea starts making these odd singing noises at me. Eventually I get it right, after about two minutes. Chelsea has to go up after me.]

Me: Don't get it wrong. She makes singing noises at you.

[Now it's wipe-board time, always a blast. First I had to fetch markers for Maggie and Duct Tape. I toss Duct Tape her marker and it ends up in Pencil Case's shirt collar, don't ask. Then some members of our group have a few issues writing down "avoir" quickly.]

Genius Idea: Why are you guys being so pokey? Come on, you're writing one word! It shouldn't take you this long. (It might sound like Genius Idea was crabby, but she was actually in a very good mood and just wanted to make fun of us.)
Me, not being pokey but being (equally) sassy: I'm not being pokey! Stop chastizing me! (Everyone laughs.)

See? Best class ever. We get to say funny words and make fun of each other and be made fun of and make smart-assed comments at each other and throw markers while learning. Insane. Really, I've discovered that it wakes me up so well that I can cut my coffee consumption in half. (Unless we have the vanilla caramel creamer, then it's impossible to not have at least two cups.)

9.27.2004

"Hey, Diana, do you want some corn?" --Miss BB

My parents are lunatics. They survived the hurricane, they're fine, they're testing me to see if I can survive another day with Saint Julia. I was explaining my parents' dementia to my French class this morning, and Maggie goes, "Oh, wow. I hope you don't take after them." Before that, Genius Idea sent me to go find out how old you need to be to donate blood ("Because you're good at finding stuff out."), and it was in the announcements ten seconds after my lovely hurricane story, which everyone thought was hilarious and insane. Then it occurred to me exactly how much caffeine there is in non-drowsy ("That's the non-drowsy part!" --Maggie) Sudafed, and on top of two cups of coffee? I thought I might be the first person to die of a caffeine overdose.

Oh, then Toe Touch was sick, so Adult Hermione was our theology sub today, which was very cool, since she basically let us have a study hall, so I had a study hall at the end of my morning classes and one at the end of my afternoon classes. During my afternoon real study hall, I went up to French to continue correcting my test (94.9, go me!) during Twinnish's Honors French III class (yay!). This event took me much longer than I had expected because Genius Idea and Sam were arguing. See, Sam was supposed to give his presentation today, but he didn't know that because someone else wrote him down for Monday, and he couldn't give it because he needed a laptop since it was a Power Point presentation. Genius Idea was Not Happy, since Sam could have seen the sheet and known his presentation was for today. Then Sam goes, "I don't know! Maybe she thought it was funny, but it's not!" And Genius Idea goes, "I know it's not funny, Sam!" This little exchange started Twinnish and I in on a long chain of laughter, hence it taking me almost fifteen minutes to find the answers to questions 58 and 59 in my textbook.

My English grade is so, so lovely. I just got 100 on my quiz-ish thingummy (we had to memorize all the terrible grammar of "I'm Nobody! Who are you?" over the weekend and be able to write it on command), and I have an A on my first paper. And I understand algebra!

And for those of you who don't understand who I'm talking about on my blog, go here and it will explain it all eventually. Right now it just explains my friends, but soon family members and random people I mention often will be added.

9.24.2004

Delightful and Quotelicious, as, by the way, am I.

Anti Test: I couldn't hear you because I have ADD.

Genius Idea: Show the whole Africa!

Adult Hermione: Oh, smart.

Angie: I now call people "kid" instead of "bitch".
Cate: So now we are baby goats and not female dogs.

Tricia: [whatever] is my hero! (Note: "whatever" includes myself, La Vicky, Small Head, Eddie Izzard, bananas, Seth Cohen and the movie Mean Girls. That's just the short list.)

Genius Idea:I'll go get the body parts. (long silence.) The body parts poster.

Genius Idea, making up personal ads: You know, like, "I am a beautiful young woman of unknown years. I am also a grandmother of five."

Diana, on Betty Jean's ice cream habits: This is the way of addicts.

Tricia, forbidding Betty Jean from getting any more ice cream: You're not hungry, you're bored. Sit down.

Tricia, when asked if the cardigan in the back seat belongs to her mother: No. My dad's a transvestite on the weekends.

Cate: Maggie, you're such a coquette!! That means whore. I think.
Maggie: I know that. I've seen Moulin Rouge.

(French exercises this morning. We had to name things in French, like our three favorite subjects and our two most strict teachers and such. But Genius Idea wasn't following the book and making the girls name beautiful boys, which provided no amusing quotes, sadly, and making the boys name beautiful girls...:)

Genius Idea: Pour tu, deux filles belle sont... ("For you, two pretty girls are..." Pause. Laughter. Pencil Case is not amused.) Okay, Pencil Case, you can go first, if you insist.
Pencil Case: Um... Jessica Simpson. (Genius Idea is not pleased with this answer, rolls her eyes, and sighs.) And that other one with a show.

German/French Boy: Frau. And Madame Genius Idea.
Genius Idea: Awwwwww.

Danno: Jessica Simpson. And... Madame Genius Idea!
Me: Suck up!

(Some gems from the French club bake sale:)

Twinnish: Paul ate Maggie.
Chelsea: Why? What?
Me: Because she threatened to beat him at Simon Says!

Betty Jean's Mother: I was sort of in the bowels of Notre Dame Academy for a while.

Twinnish: Chelsea, I'm going to have to disown you as my little buddy!
Maggie: Frater Britney (a boy, who is not a frater) got disowned by his big buddy! Because he spanked her monkey!
Twinnish: Maggie, girls don't have monkeys. Stop saying that.

Chelsea: Yeah, those brownies might be free, but our brownies were made with LOVE!! And French!


I'm weird. Never mind.

Look at the title. I'm saving myself some humiliation here.

9.22.2004

"Kellogg can spell chlamydia." "That's nice."

Today we had an early-dismissal (1:23) "so that you guys can laugh at the teachers who still have to be in school." (tm Adult Hermione) So Tricia, BB, and I went to Subway, and then the video store, and then Diana's. We rented Mean Girls, which is seriously one of my favorite movies ever. When the coach spelled chlamydia wrong, I spelled it correctly, and Franklin was quite amazed with me (everyone else just said I was a freak.) Despite my freakish spelling abilities, I had the ditziest day ever today. I told Genius Idea the reason I would be a bit late to the French Club bake sale was "because my mom's driving." Which was not what I was thinking, I actually meant to say I have Irish dance. So I had to send her an e-mail explaining my insanity. I also walked into a podium, and a filing cabinet, and I kept forgetting what I was going to say. I think I'm coming down with something.

9.20.2004

Top Dog.

I am very distressed. Why, might you ask? I missed over half of French, my favorite class ever, today to listen to freshman class president speeches, which is a frustrating enough reason as it is. But, nooooo, then Alice Fox had to make it even worse by giving a big, terrible speech about what a great president she would be, and how she was "Top Dog" at Oldschool. Yeah. And then we all turned into ramen noodles from the brain shock of it all. Top dog? If she's top dog, what did that make the rest of us? Perhaps we were... I don't know. Top human beings? Anyway, this was very frustrating, and in my state of ramen noodleosity, I became very, very angry. Yes, Alice, you were student council president last year, but don't make it sound like the student body voluntarily elected you as such. And, also, you hadn't even been at our school a full damn year. BB and Larry should have been co-presidents, if this was a lovely and just world. They knew the school like their houses, and they worked very hard to try to accomplish presidency, but nooooo. BB was vice-president, yes, but Larry was de-moted to representative to the somethingalingie. Or something like that.

OHMYGODWHYTHEHELLDIDIMISSFRENCHFORTHATBULLSHIT!!!!! I am a frustrated little ramen noodle.

Anyway. I was reviewing for the eighty dozen tests I have tomorrow with La Madre, Best Quizzer Ever, after dinner and she randomly started reciting Monty Python skits. She was actually somewhat brilliant. Then Vati farted very loudly from across the house, and we laughed really hard, and I said, "Have fun in Florida, Mom" since La Madre and Vati are going to Florida this weekend.

9.19.2004

Fashion Snark Episode Two: The Real Emmys

Laura Linney looks way pretty, and I'm so thrilled that she won best guest-starring actress. I love her.

Patricia Heaton looks like a rave vomited on her. Oh, well, she probably deserved it.

Jessica Walter apparently dresses just like Lucille Bluth in real life. This isn't so bad, she just looks so out of place without Buster and a cocktail.

Ananda Lewis is not dead. She is going to let us in on this fact by wearing the most flourescent dress ever designed.

Jorja Fox's dress can be bought at any Younkers in the U.S. for fifty bucks or less, not kidding.

Bonnie Hunt looks very pretty again.

Gee, Tyne Daly, could you look a little less happy to be here?

Who is this evidently-murderous whore?

I don't like her hair, but Allison Janney's dress looks gorgeous, and, as BB noted, it's probably because she's so tall. And I didn't think she'd win, and apparently she didn't either, judging by the look on her face and her speech, all of which I loved.

Mischa Barton's dress would look better on someone who is not built like a meterstick.

Amber Tamblyn looks fabulous. I love the color of that dress on her.

Jane Kaczmarek, I adore your acting, but you look terrible. And since I can only echo what the brilliant Fug Blog says, go check out what they had to say about her. (Cate struggles to find a way to work "She starved herself a neck ukelele" into everyday discussion.)

Barbra Streisand in what appears to be the most hideous muumuu I have ever seen. And to think I used to believe all muumuus were equally hideous.

Sarah Jessica Parker, wearing a basic variation on the same dress she's worn all year, pretty much. Her hair and makeup look terrible, also.

Edie Falco looks absolutely terrible. I have no words for that dress.

That's all for the Emmys. I'm going to publish this, and then publish a post about my day and how much Alice Fox manages to agitate me.

Just to let you know I haven't died.

I know I haven't posted in a while. I'm very sorry. I've been busy breaking my toes and such. There was a dance last night at school. It was okay, nothing to write home about, not "a big pile of grinding" as Tricia so graciously called another school's dances at Betty Jean's last night. Diana went to Other School's homecoming with her middle school friends and had a lot of fun and wore a really pretty dress (which she is also going to wear for Fall Fest, our equivalent of homecoming. Diana's mom says we don't call it homecoming "because nobody ever leaves.") Tricia called Computer Literature "a big dumb oaf" and we talked about the latest drug scandals (our school is excellent academically, but we have a few other issues. And don't get like that about it, any high school you go to is going to have the same issues, and if you want to avoid people with issues altogether, you might as well go live in a cave.)

I have to go eat dinner with Saint Julia and He Was a Good Man. Bye.

9.15.2004

Bizarre Things Genius Idea Says, Volume One.

Because, really, these are the most interesting things I can think of to mention today. It was a very boring day, except for the enormous rainstorm that left me soaked and the enormous stench of aftershave in the hallway that restrained my breathing.

Cate: I had three cups of coffee, half a cappuccino, and a Krispy Kreme doughnut this morning.
Genius Idea, to the whole class: You can run around the room until the bell rings, just so you know.
Cate: I have a feeling that was directed at me.
Genius Idea: Yeah.

Representin': People who didn't win for their other selections could run for treasurer!
Genius Idea: No! Just because you're a politician doesn't mean you're good with money. (Awkward silence.) I'm funny.

Duct Tape, worried about what our French textbook might be telling us: They could be, like, swearing at us and we wouldn't even know!
Genius Idea: You'll know.
Duct Tape: Why? Are you gonna teach us?
Genius Idea: Sure.

Genius Idea: If there's this picture on a test, and you come up to me and you go, [whiny voice] 'what is this a picture of?' [/whiny voice], I'm going to say, 'Flowers!' and then you will have to write about flowers, but if you don't ask me, you could write about flowers, or a garden, or the rain.

Genius Idea: And if you forgot your eraser, you can take a sock off one of your feet!

Danno: What exactly do we do in French club?
Genius Idea: Mainly we eat doughnuts.

Yeah, enjoy these, I'm sure more will be coming soon. The insanity, it has to be recorded somewhere, right?

9.14.2004

Wow, Tracey Gold. That's really not cool. And, also, what the hell was her husband thinking, letting her drive with their CHILDREN in the car? Were they all intoxicated? Urgh. Also, if Ivan ruins New Orleans, I'll be pissed.

I watch too much CNN.

9.13.2004

Fashion Snark is Good for the Soul!

That pointlessness (or so I thought) called the Creative-Arts Emmys (are they called that, even?) is responsible for my first edition of Official Fashion Snark. I finally realized that I do this enough anyway that I should really post it on here and make life fun. So here it is, if Getty Images ever chooses to load. You might have to hit "refresh" on the pictures once before they show up, be warned.

Edie Falco: I know she had cancer. It doesn't mean I have to like her outfit. And I really, really don't. Sorry.

Marlee Matlin: Looks lovely. (And now you're all thinking, "Gee, at least she has the decency not to pick on deaf people." And I say, "Ferme la bouche!")

Jordan Ladd, whoever the hell that is: Find a skirt, not an elongated top. You look like a whore.

Christina Applegate: It's a really pretty dress, but it makes her look so pale, especially with that rather garish shade of red lipstick. Her husband needs a haircut.

Dick Askin: Nothing, really. I just wanted to say that Dick Askin is a rather unfortunate name.

Aisha Tyler: She should cut off the bottom of the dress, attach a pretty top to it, and wear that. Not this, um, creature of a bodice that brings to mind Laura Ingalls Wilder. And what position, pray tell, are you attempting to contort your face into?

Linda Ellerbee: Let's reminisce about Nick News. And then realize that it's lucky SOMEONE isn't taking this thing too seriously, even though it seems that her stylist really tried to get her to with the purse and shoes.

Felicity Huffman: Nice, although a bit boring. Oh, well. I'd take someone dressing classy like her than someone trying to dress classy, like, ahem, Cindy Margolis.

Fred Willard: Nothing, I just wanted to have a reason to bust out a random WHA HAPPEN?

Bonnie Hunt: She looks gorgeous! I love her dress. Also, she's just so cool. Chubby is somehow related to her, her cousin is married to his aunt-by-marriage's cousin or somesuch.

Betty White: This really made me laugh. Then I thought of how Danno's answer to the question of who sewed the first American flag was Betty White, and I laughed even harder.

I'm not even going to comment on Sharon Stone because she's a famewhore and my giving her attention is defeatile to my very purpose. Plus, it would be a cheap shot.

Diana caught my lazy, so here's a post for y'all.

Roy, I got the CD. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I love it. I took a picture of the uber-padding to post later. I'm sure my other family members will hate you for this, since I plan on blasting it at high volumes at all hours of the day.

I didn't get a part in the play. I was a teeny bit upset, though, because Alice Fox did, although I was not upset for long because it turns out that I have the supportivest friends ever. The majority just turned to Alice Fox-bashing, but Larry is an obscene flatterer and came up to me and said, "How did she make it if you didn't?" Then he decided that "they're just saving you for the musical." Which was kind but not true, since I can't sing, even though I gladly would since I have no shame. Then he did a brilliant Alice Fox impression and all was well in the Le Terre Cate. (Cate's world. I think. My French is quite broken yet. And ferme la bouche. Yeah, it's pretty broken, but I can still tell you to shut up, ha ha.)

Quotes, because sometimes it's easier to explain my day by what people say. I solemnly swear that someday I'm just going to make a cumulative post of all the bizarre things Genius Idea says (the current reigning favorite is "Mainly we eat doughnuts" when Danno asked what we do in French Club.) But here are the weird things other people say. Including me.

Lunch Gestapo: Come on, you guys! Go to the SADD meeting! Don't they look like a fun group?
Me, in my head: Actually, they look sort of SADD, ha-ha.

Larry, in a brilliant Alice Fox impression: DAMN YOU, CATE!

BB: We had a sub in German! We were all really depressed, and we said, "Where is Frau?!"

Obnoxious Math Sub: You should say "shut up, please".
Skinny Lizard Boy: Shut up, PLEASE. See? I told him. Now he's gotta say "thank you."

Larry: And then the elephant will get rigor mortis. (No one laughs.) Heh-heh. (Everyone laughs.)

Me, to Larry in the hallway: I hate "Don't Worry, Be Happy"! That song brings me so much stress!! When you're upset, nothing's more annoying than someone TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO! I mean, honestly, that's not going to make me any happier! (Genius Idea walks by, listens in [not that it was hard, I was yelling pretty loudly], and laughs maniacally.)

Tricia: I always classify people as animals! I don't know why! I tell them, "you look like a... you know, whatever animal."
Me: Me too! Yeah, there's this one girl in my gym class, and she looks like a stegosaurus!

Me, writing in my notebook: Adult Hermione just became rather agitated about packing peanuts. I think BB and I ate packing peanuts once. Or maybe that was styrofoam cups. We ingest very weird things. BB eats watermelon rinds, for instance. I think Grandma Albatross is probably very right about those being terrible for your stomach.

Okay, I'm off to find CoolAunt's e-mail address so I can assure her my French skills are developing and tell her about the Impending Future Europe Trip (more details later, I'm about to self combust with excitement. Does anyone have three grand I could borrow? And perhaps another three grand for BB? I probably shouldn't have asked that right after I couldn't recall which non-edible styrofoam product we digested. Hey, send us to Europe so we can eat styrofoam and watermelon rinds, please!) I need to go figure out why the hell iTunes is being so wonkishy. Hee. I just invented a word.

9.12.2004

Tired, Lazy, and Full of Useless Things to Say.

That pretty much describes me at the moment. I'm going to explain some of the more exciting details of the past... however long I haven't posted in, and then I'm going to eat a bagel, finish The Devil Wears Prada (which I don't hate but I haven't really fallen in love with, either), watch Seinfeld, and then try to sleep.

So, anyway, I visited the set of the remake of 'Amityville Horror' this weekend, since it's a few miles away from where our friends live. We didn't actually see anything going on though, which was a bit disappointing. I have some quotes. I'd love to post all the bizarre things my French teacher, Genius Idea, has said over the past few days, but that would be about a mile long.

Frau:You could mix Spanish and German, and you'd get... Sperman!

Alyssa and Girly Laugh's Mom: Girly Laugh Boy, don't. Because he's going to pound you, and then you're going to cry.



Alyssa and GLB's Little Brother, on my father's bald spot: You have a hole in your hair!

Okay, I'm getting way tired and I can't remember anything else I meant to post. I need bagelly goodness and Seinfeld. Caffiene would be nice, too, but then I wouldn't earn my desperately-needed sleep, so I'm going to go, but first, an important message: Diana, good luck on the rebuttal. Kick The Menace's ass. (Okay, shut up about that odd bit of whateverism. Di will know what I meant, and, therefore, you don't really have to, mmkay?)

9.11.2004

An attempt.

So much is happening, too much to write about in the limited time I have before I pack for Milwaukee to see Alyssa and Girly Laugh Boy and the rest of their family. I'm just letting you know I'm all alive, Blogger is now being called "Bugger" in Das Catehaus, and I'm very busy.

9.05.2004

"You are not going to be writing checks in France."

Spent almost three days feeling nonathletic and filling up that strange space between kid and adult. All my family-friends' kiddies are so athletic. Obviously, I'm not, and I felt so old, and yet I was not old enough to be an adult. But, enough complaining, Tubing is Fun! Here lies a cumulative list of my injuries:

1. sore shoulders/neck
2. big red marks across hipbones
3. bruise on chin from hitting tube repeatedly
4. large pink marks on feet from scraping the water, since the tube was really oddly sized for me

Percent of this I am fascinated by and find hilarious: 90%. It would be 100%, but the sore shoulders are just going to be a pain on Tuesday when I have to carry my books around.

I might actually like math this year. Math is fun when your teacher is not bad-insane, and you know what's really fun when your teacher is good-insane? French class. In case the dialogue from my last post just didn't give you the right idea, here is a breakdown of our class on Friday:

1. Played Simon Says. Everyone lost.
2. Counted to a hundred, which included such gems from my teacher, who needs an alias, as this: "Oh, and this is where we got lazy and didn't want to make up new numbers" and "I am not teaching you how to spell the numbers. You are not going to be writing checks in France."
3. Named celebrities. I'm not kidding. Aliasless Teacher would hold up pictures and we would say, "He is called Freddie Prinze, Jr.!" or "She is called Reese Witherspoon!" Ashton Kutcher came up about seven times. Random Boy would shout: "He's a hottie!" Crazy Senior usurping his study hall hanging out in the French room and laughing at us goes, "I think you're a hottie, too, Sam!" (I'm not even sure that Random Boy is named Sam.) Then Aliasless Teacher was completely baffled by this hideous picture of Shane West where he seems to be tap-dancing.
4. Shelves fell. Everyone laughed maniacally.
5. All were depressed to be banished to their next class.

See? Best. Class. Ever. (Although BB's German sounds obscenely fun, too.)

9.02.2004

The Much Promised Quote Post

I'm a bit peeved right now, because locks are stupid. But anyway, I promised you quotes so quotes you shall have, along with the translation of the really insane dialogue Bryce Dallas Howard (I'm sorry, it's the best alias I could think of, and she looks exactly like her) and I came up with in French.

Tricia (I couldn't think of an alias, and I'm very sorry): Yeah, and then she said, 'Oh, you're a [last name]. You must be in band.'

Diana: It's a TherMOS, it keeps things cold.
BB and I: TherMOS?
Diana: Yes, and it keeps things cold. Look! (Points to what is clearly a penguin on the label thingummy.) It has a little ice-man on the label!
(Long silence. BB and I crack up.)
Me: Do you mean a penguin, Diana?

Vati, for the eighty thousandth time: It's a great day to be a Triton!
Me: It's a great day to beat a dead horse.

La Madre: Son of a buck!

Diana: Wait! This was bus 76 this morning! Are we on the wrong bus?
Me: Diana, the numbers change. It's like magic.

History Teacher, against his will: Fo shizzle.


The Infamous French Dialogue, Translated

[We are supposed to be passengers on a train.]

Me: How are you?
BDH: Bad.
Me: Why?
BDH: I am tired. (This is the only answer we know to why one might be feeling badly.) You?
Me: Good.
Random Partner Guy: Plane!
All: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. (Because people really count down during take-off.)

Later, I was explaining this to La Madre and she said, "I hope you didn't actually say those things in front of people."