"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."


My father was very upset with my mother and I for making him watch part of the Oscars. So he made us watch the the semi-retarded CNN Pre-Show and then made fun of everyone and mixed up their names. So, anyway, this is Catherine's Family and Their Stupid Oscar Dialogue.

Me: Oh, ew. Tim Robbins just blew his nose. Thanks, CNN.
Dad: Well, Cate, what do you think happens when he snorts cocaine all afternoon?

[This is a good time to mention that my dad assumes everyone at awards shows is some kind of pothead/cokehead.]

Mom: Oh, my gosh. Uma Thurman got attacked by lederhosen. Or Maria from The Sound of Music.

And so on and so forth. But then my mom/mutti/madre and I vetoed all talking for the rest of the night, except when the stupid guy on the ABC pre-show said "competish" and she shouted, "GO READ A DICTIONARY, YOU FOOL!" I did not bother to remind her that she said roughly the same thing to me when I was in third grade because I interrupted her soaps-- by which I mean Court TV, wanting to go to the library.

But even with the snark, the Oscars were still fracking boring.


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