"He'll sit there and go, Dipsy... Po... Dipsy... Po. I honestly don't think he knows colors. Just Teletubbies."

3.30.2006

Hi kids.

So, I know I haven't updated in a while. I have been keeping a journal, though. A secret one. And I'm sorry for not telling y'all sooner. I have a friends-only journal on LiveJournal.com. Sorry, it's my weird freaky privacy thing. If you have a LiveJournal account, friend me! My username is iheartbagels. I probably won't write here anymore, but who knows. I may come back.

1.24.2006

True Stories:

-I have the highest free-throw average of all the girls in my gym class. Seriously. 50%.

-I just made a Bio test my bitch... only I wish Alex was at school today so I could tell her... because we definitely (ab)use that expression way too much. Only, no, she is sick, and that makes me sad. Le sigh.

-My dad thinks that me and my algebra-deficient self are going to hike it over to NWTC for college.

-I shop at the Red Fancy Market.

-Actual conversations:

Allison (I think): Is Mr. Schultz's baby a boy or a girl?
Mrs. Campbell: Yes...

Mrs. Campbell: Well, you know how when you have a heart attack, you can only feel it in one shoulder?
Me: Yeah, that happens to me allll the time.

-George calls bolding text "a special effect."

1.05.2006

Harrrrrrr. The past few days.

Hmmm. The past few days have pretty much been the usual. I have had a pirate noise stuck in my head all day.

We made a fun cooking video for French. There is a lot of mixing. And after that, not much cooking. A lot of making-fun-of-Mademichelle, random shots of Pencil Case, me reciting the Gettysburg Address, Chelsea's impression of Rainbow Brite, and a full minute of us saying "forevaeva." Mostly, Madame just laughs at us, and wonders why we let Pencil Case use a knife, especially in the few shots when it's dangerously close to Jill's hand. But it's really all in good fun. Squawky nitpickers aren't, but what are you gonna do.

Stary said poop a lot of times in English today. Chelsea laughed really hard. I told Erik that he has verbal diarrhea, and it is true. Chelsea laughed really hard. I'm sure other things happened, and I'm also sure Chelsea laughed really hard at those, too.

History class is the usual. Obscene and ridiculous stories. Even obscener and ridiculouser bizarre and random similarities between Mrs. Campbell and me. Except that I don't have a crazy 90s-mom driver's liscence picture or a crazy Jennifer-Wilbanks-in-overalls Sam's Club card picture. (For the record. I do have Jennifer Wilbanks pictures, just not in overalls. My god.) Oh, and if you want to hear the most Caucasian thing ever, ask her to sing "No Scrubs" for you sometime. "Trying to holler at me!" Oh, and Jacob keeps sending me notes as the Phantom of the History Class and thinking I won't find out it's him... even when I see him writing the notes.

Hmmm. Today in Geo/Trig, Kathleen asked Havi, "Mr. Havi, do you ever get the giggles?" He just looked at her for a brief moment and then sighed, "No, I don't think so, Kathleen." Oh. And we could hear Jacob screaming from French class. But we don't usually go a day or two without hearing random screaming from French class, so, you know, that wasn't unusual.

So, Happy New Year's, kids. My birthday is four weeks from Saturday. I turn sixteen, so buy me presents.

12.30.2005

My friends are deranged.

Hmmm. So I felt as if I should probably blog about last night. I am trying to think of a word to sum it up, and everything I think of is pretty much synonymous with "insane." Alex, Chels, and Jacob came over to my house, followed by a late Pencil Case. Oh, and Sheebz (formerly Sheebs) and Mr. Sheebz and Ricky, of course.

First, we played a rousing game of Karaoke Revolution, which Alex kindly brought. I managed to get a perfect score on "I Love Rock and Roll". Which is not a hard song, so it wasn't much of an accomplishment... but then Alex and Jacob got determined to beat me, and they were nowhere close. Sheebs (she was still Sheebs at this point) decided to partake in the fun, and when I was helping her build her character, I accidentally wrote "Sheebz" and it stuck. ...And Jacob's character was a showgirl. Question mark. Alex and Sheebz made fun of Fr. Larry while I was trying to sing "Dust in the Wind" and I probably got the worst score ever because I was laughing the entire time. Because Alex and Sheebz trying to do the Fr. Larry face is just funny. Oh, and Alex murders flamingo cookies and so Sheebz makes fun of her by also making fun of the mentally handicapped. I'm so glad I have such a politically correct mom.

Then Pencil Case arrived and was quite disturbed by Jacob's character being a showgirl. We quit Karaoke shortly afterward (well, we all left for food while Chels was singing "Crazy in Love" and she didn't notice for about a full two minutes) and moved onto the best game of all time, Beyond Balderdash. That is a thoroughly magnificent game, let me tell you. We don't even play for points, we just play to laugh. Here are the best answers:

"The Nasty Rabbit: Bugs Bunny's first on-screen three way with Daisy Duck and Roger Rabbit." -Jacob

"The Nasty Rabbit: Tales of a kinky rabbit in a land of candy and shortcake." -Chelsea

"The Nasty Rabbit: Pimp bunny Mr. Nasty... (that is all I remember because we were laughing so hard by that point.)" -Sheebz

"E.W. Flosdorff: Helped save African children from potechers." (This one is written exactly how it is on the card. Potechers means "poachers.") -Chels

"G.A.T.F.: Gay America Tittilates France." -Jacob

Yes. Then Chels and Jacob went to play video games with Ricky as we all moved onto a very fun game called Imaginiff. The whole time we played, we could hear Jacob screaming profanities and getting mad from the den. Then Jacob came back to play Imaginiff. He declared that he thinks Chels and Ricky were flirting in there, then he decided that if Sheebz were a magazine, she would be a cross between Playboy and Vogue. Because that wasn't disturbing at all.

After Imaginiff, which I won, Jacob decided to put on a show for us. First, he put slices of sausage with holes cut in the middles over his eyes. Then Alex said, "I will eat a dog treat if you pay me two dollars!" We laughed at her. Then she and Jacob actually did eat dog treats... except Jacob covered his with cheese, sausage, and... frosting. Frosting! I thought I was going to vomit.

Anyway, Chels finally came to join us to see what we were laughing about for the last half hour. She came just in time to witness Jacob making art with napkins and scissors. The art, for the record, included a napkin G-string.

All in all, it was a very insane night, and Chels and Pencil Case have pictures that probably explain it much better than I did.

12.27.2005

There is an unwritten law that every time I write in this thing, Ricky is making a TV dinner.

Anyway. I hope you all had lovely holidays. Mine was the usual. We went down to Madison for Christmas Eve to be with Sheebs's side of the family. They are quite entertaining. I am supposed to talk about my uncle Brian. Brian Becker. I had to talk to him by his full name because he wants to Google himself and find this blog. So I did. Christmas was also the usual. I have a cell phone now, so ask for the number.

Yesterday was the day after Christmas, for those of you who, like me, have no sense of time whatsoever. I went bowling with Kathy, Peg, and the cousins. Since they are quite young, we had bumpers, which I tried not to use as much as possible. And, honestly, I am a much better bowler than I once was. I got a 103 on the first game, and really really bad on the second game. Then we played DDR in the arcade. I beat everyone... because the only people who are actually worse at that game than I am are my family.

Then, after random loud birthday family thing, I went over to Elly's house for movies and games. It was very enjoyable. First, we played Trivial Pursuit 90's Edition. Alex managed to get a single pie, which is actually kind of remarkable for her. I got three. Then we quit, because, clearly, none of us have any clue about the decade we were born in. And Pencil Case kept answering Alex's questions and she got all pissed. In the middle of the game, Elly or Alex (I can't remember which) randomly declared, "Did you know that Ali is a Quaker?!" and that was kind of amusing. Because random statements generally are.

Afterward, we played Pit, which is a very fun and random game. It's more fun when you don't play for points, however. We watched My Best Friend's Wedding for a bit, and we also ate. These two activities consist of many random statements from Pencil Case that he swears never happened. And one thing that he swears did happen that I have absolutely no recollection of.

Alex: Yeah, sequels are never better than the originals, though.
Pencil Case: No, that one was. You know, that one movie.
All of Us: Um... that helps.
Me: Who was in it?
Pencil Case: That one guy.

Pencil Case, in the middle of the movie: Let's play that game again. Mastodon or whatever it's called.

Pencil Case, again in the middle of the movie: Are they virgins?

Pencil Case: Kellie, do you remember that one time in French class last year when Madame called Paul a "poop sack?"
Me: No... Pencil Case, I think I would have remembered that. Are you making this up?
Pencil Case: Nooooo! She said, "Slim Jim, stop being such a poop sack!" and then we all laughed at her and she goes, "What, isn't poop sack what all the cool kids are saying these days?"
Yeahhhhh. Okay. It was a very fun night.

12.21.2005

"All I want for Christmas is peace and quiet..."

So. My life is very fun, I would have to admit. Even with the eighty five quizzes/tests I took today and the eighty five more I have to take tomorrow. I know, it's exaggeration, shut up--- and, also, I know that if they're that bad I should be studying and not Blogging. They aren't that bad. Just a big pain.

Hmmm. I'm not even sure why today was so good. Bio, we watched Gattaca-- also known as the most awful movie alive. There are dirty words in it, too. I don't think we should be hearing those words, especially not in Biology class, and especially not more than once. I mean, the only word we ever really hear multiple times in that class is "okay."

Boy do I hate the way TV dinners smell.

Anyway, Geo/Trig was the usual. Havi is just full of random noises lately, and Kathleen just replies every time with the Nasal Laugh and that causes all of us to laugh. Anyway, I wish I had a seat that allowed me better conversations.

History was Jeopardy, and can I just say that my team dominated? I mean, I was a bit worried at first, that this would be my first test sans candy. But no, it was not, because we definitely won, even with the presence of some people who are notorious for raising their hands when they do not know the answer. So it was pretty exciting. Oh, and Mrs. Campbell and I are going to wear the same outfit someday. It will be different from all those other days when we wear the same outfit, because it will actually be planned, yeah. In the immortal words of J.C., "We are such twins!! Seriously--- we're the best twins ever!"

Theology, we took a quiz. It was probably obscene. I can't remember. Afterward, I went up to my locker to get study materials and even more tinsel fell out on me. Pencil Case is pretty cool.

English test was fun. Oh my god. I love writing essays, I can't lie, especially with Scarlet Letter because it allows a lot of sarcasm. A lot.

French was HIGHLY entertainings. We did dialogues and highly random conversations.

Madame: Your dialogue was very good. However, I still don't understand that thing about a fire in the microwave...
Pencil Case: What are you talking about? I never said anything about a fire, just a microwave oven.
Madame: Ohhhhh. Well, the way you pronounced it... it sounded like "fire."

Chelsea: Brianna is an onion and I am pot.
Madame: A pot?
Chelsea: Yeah. A pot. Not like, [makes a smoking gesture] pot-pot.

Pencil Case: So, Madame, what do you want for Christmas?
Madame: Peace and quiet!
[Mike makes a fart noise and we all crack up.]

Pencil Case: Can you imagine Brianna as a boy?
Jill: Flamboyantly gay?!

In Comp Lit, we watched You've Got Mail for those of us who had nothing better to do or were choosing to procrastinate. Mrs. Night Vision, however, insists that it should be "We've Got Mail." Um. Yes.

The Drama Club Christmas party was very enjoyable. First, we had the car ride, which was a grand time with Pencil Case, Liz, Johanna, Maddy, MacKenzie, and myself. Pencil Case told us about Martha Moxley. MacKenzie and I have large amounts of anger toward the song-turned-into-a-book-turned-into-a-movie "Christmas Shoes." Pencil Case says it makes him sad because it makes him "think about Mary... with no shoes... meeting Jesus." Then we went to a gas station. We thought about talking in Gibberish the whole time but did not. I bought the sickest, cheapest gum ever.

The party itself was amazing. Let me just list moments--
-massaging Jacob's back by walking on it
-THE FOOD
-telling ridiculous and obscene stories
-playing Apples to Apples with Rachel, Maria, Liz, Bridget, Charlie, and Kelly G-Funk... most ridiculous answers EVER
-Jacob checking himself out being pregnant in the bathroom mirror with the door open. Stary and I are looking and laughing, and he looks up, makes a shocked face, and slams the door closed. Verrrry funny.

Yes. It was all very enjoyable. But now I have to study... or something.

12.20.2005

Cysts.

My life is pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever.

For example: Senate meetings. Oh my gosh--- way too much fun. I won't lie, it was a blast. We basically get together and whine about stupid things happening at NDA. It's amazing. And then Roberta comes and is all, "Stick it to the Man!" but really just "Stick it to Konop Foods!"... it is fun.

For example: history class. (Don't say you didn't know that was coming.)

First of all, Jacob did spirit fingers for about twenty minutes, then got annoyed when nobody noticed.

Jacob: Is this distracting to you?
Mrs. Campbell: No, not really. I don't get distracted by much... well, one of the first years I taught, there was this one kid who would take out a mirror, put it on his desk, and hunch over it and pop his zits. Swear to God. It was the most distracting thing ever. He did it at least three times a week.

Then we talked about warhawks.

Mrs. Campbell: Well, two of these are significant, and the last one is only there because his name makes me laugh. Because even though I'm thirty-seven years old, I'm very immature.
Caitlin: What's his name?
Mrs. Campbell: ...Felix... Grundy!! [Laughter from everyone.] Anyway. That is one of those names where I think, "Thank god I don't have that last name... especially as a teacher."

Somehow, the class turned very, very disgusting very quickly. I am trying to remember how we got to the topic of cysts, but I have a feeling it was totally random.

Mrs. Campbell: Once, I had a cyst and my doctor removed it and he showed it to me. And it was so shiny, it was like a shiny yellow bouncy ball of fat. So I asked my doctor, because I'm weird and I wanted to keep it,"Can I keep it?" and he said, "NO!!!"... Actually, I was just talking to someone the other day and they were talking about someone who had a cyst taken out of her wrist. And it had tentacles!! Tentacles!!
Anna: ...I have a cyst in my wrist.
Mrs. Campbell: Oh... well, tentacles aren't as bad as hair and teeth. At Thanksgiving, my sister, who is a mortician, said, "Ugh, cysts are the worst. Especially the ones with hair and teeth." And, since she says a lot of weird things, I just nodded and smiled. But then my sister-in-law, who is a nurse, said, "Yeah, those ARE the worst! They are SO gross!!" And I was like, "Wait--- what?" And then they explained to me that sometimes, a fertilized egg would die and turn into a cyst. And it would continue to grow hair and teeth. Isn't that SICK? Hairy, teeth-y cysts.

I definitely pictured a Chuzzle coming out of a womb.

So, English class is ridiculous. Yesterday, Caitlin had a boyfriend named Pocahontas (that wasn't what she said, that was just what I thought she said), and Stary talked about the kid who started all those racially-charged fights at Preble.

Today, it was hottie Puritan lumberjacks. You don't really want to know.

Caitlin, looking at the drawings Pencil Case made on the back of my neck: Oh my god, what happened to your neck?
Me: ...Pencil Case.
Stary: You're going to have to elaborate upon that.
Me: He drew all over my neck.
Allison: Oh, well, if you don't want people to see it, just pop your collar!
Me:
Um. I am not popping my collar. I do have some morals.

Anyway. French is my favorite. Pencil Case and I wrote a ridiculous dialogue. Then we just had wildness. And Joe-Joe came to visit us!! I love that boy.

So, all in all, it was a generally obscene day.

12.15.2005

Fifty Cents and His Homies

Today was insane, I won't lie.

Today in Bio, our TriBond question was "Dart, stairwell, and airline." And someone seriously said "Unicorns!!"... what?!

Geo/Trig is just ridiculous. I can't even remember half of the bizarre things Mr. H says because they are too weird to even stick to my brain. However, this event, which both Pencil Case and Jackie told me about, occurred across the hall:

Pencil Case is making Jackie and Estufa play Jeopardy. There are crazy categories, including VMAs.

Pencil Case: Who hosted the 1999 VMAs?
Estufa: Fifty Cents and his homies.
Jackie: [hysterical laughter.]

History class involved me hitting Jessi in the face with my hair, Jacob being pregnant, and the BEST STORY EVER, so it wasn't really all that different than usual.

Me: I am terrified of marine life.
Mrs. Campbell: Me too--- I hate fish. I actually have a story about why I hate fish!!
Me: Really? Tell me!
Mrs. Campbell: Well, it was Senior Skip Day, which wasn't really that much of a skip day because it was approved by the school. So, anyway, we went to the beach and carp were spawning in the water. But I wanted to swim, so I decided that a good way to clear out the water would be to throw a big rock in there. So I took a little boulder, and I tossed it in, and I hit one in the head.
Me: Oh no. You killed ANOTHER fish?
Mrs. Campbell: Well, first he jumped out of the water and he came at me!! He was out to get me. He went like this: [flaps her hands and makes crazy insane seething noises with the most ridiculous face ever.] And then he dropped dead. The whole thing probably was less than five seconds, but it just felt like forever. It was honestly the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me.

Yes. Theology class involved an intense debate. I loooove fighting with Tan Pants, especially when I'm right.

English was insane. Stary wore a kilt and we all laughed.

Stary: My brother hit me in the head with a croquet mallet when I was ten.
[combination of laughter/bafflement/shock from the class]

French was pretty entertaining. Liz came and visited!!! And we get to do a very fun project which I am rather excited about. We had a large conversation about how we're all going to Hell.

Madame: It will be fun, I'll see you all there and we can continue your French studies.

We go to a Catholic school? What what?

After school was just a highly hilarious conversation with Kelly G-Funk, none of which can be repeated because it was insane. Pencil Case and I wrote each other referrals, which was pretty entertaining. So, even though we didn't get a snow day, it was a good day nonetheless.

12.14.2005

"Like, wicked sick? Like, super sweet?"

Today was a very fun day. We had an early dismissal in school and it snowed the whole day. Which led to a whole lot of "Bay Port's out."

Mr. H: It's true, though, Bay Port really does get out more than we do... I've read studies.

During fourth hour, it was announced that Pulaski kids would get to go home at 12:15 instead of 1:23 like the rest of us. Go Pulaski kids. There were also a whole slew of activity cancellations, including Coffee With the Principal at 7:00 tonight.

Mrs. Campbell: Who the hell drinks coffee at seven at night?

Good question. Other Mrs. Campbell events of the day involved imitation crab meat ("Mr. Brooker calls these crab roll-ups... 'cuz you can unroll them!") and a very sisterly fake-fight about otters.

The high point of the day was, however, English class. We were quite rowdy. Including Stary, who felt the need to walk on the tables and make flailing/screaming expressions at Allison... ohhhhkay.

Erik: The Boogeyman!
Stary: Shut. Up. Erik.

Me, about Pearl: Pearl is seven. She doesn't have a bosom.

Chelsea: We talk about sex a lot in this class.
Stary: Not as much as you do in theology.
Chelsea: Yeah, but in my class, we only talk about Catholic sex.
Me: Catholic sex? What the hell, Chels?!
Stary: Well, in this class we talk about Catholic sex and Puritan sex. Well... Puritan sex isn't really sex. It's like, they're sitting across the room from each other, and the husband looks up from his paper and yells, "Screw you!" and the wife yells, "Screw you, too!"
Chelsea: That is stupid. Puritans had to have had sex. It's not like they were like, "Oh, screw you!" and then a stork came with a baby.

I honestly can't remember a single thing that happened in French today. I think we took a quiz and then just did whatever the rest of the time. Comp Lit is also a big blur but when is it not.

Alex and I went Christmas shopping after school today. It was a very, very enjoyable time. Alex had a wide variety of blonde moments and insisted on paying exact change for everything. Which meant that she had to do things like borrow $0.44 from me. What?! And then there were a wide variety of randomness conversations that were HILARIOUS that honestly would not be understood by anyone else. And there were randomness phone calls from Pencil Case that were also a good time.

12.13.2005

"Do you think Oprah should be President? I do!" -Jacob's note to me

So. Today was a very sad day, because it was devoid of Pencil Caseness. But it was also a happy day because I am done with my elbow so now Jacob is getting my sling. I am quite certain it is going on a strange sort of shrine in his basement, one that involves Celine Dion, Mrs. Campbell, and me... but that is just my theory. I should probably stop making fun of him, considering that it was my idea to lock him outside in the cold... but that is a later story.

Today in Geo/Trig, Mr. H forgot how to say "function." So it came out "fucktion." Which was, um... interesting. Alyssa and I had quite the laugh.

History was the usual randomness. Mark walked in with his pants as low as ever. And he had a belt on them.

Mrs. Campbell: Mark, you look stupid. Pull up your pants.
Mark: Can I go to the bathroom?
Mrs. Campbell: Mark... you don't need to go to the bathroom to pull your pants up and tighten your belt.
Mark: Well, sometimes stuff gets in the way.
Mrs. Campbell, at a loss for appropriate words: Mark. Sit down!

Mrs. Campbell, reflecting on this event later: When he said "Sometimes stuff gets in the way", I was so tempted to say, "I think you give yourself too much credit." But I decided not to.

Theology is insane. We do the bizarrest worksheets ever, it is official. Do I really need to know how sixteen different people in my life would feel if I got pregnant? Noooo. And I think it is a little silly to put God's point of view on a worksheet. We can't possibly know that.

Lunch was a joyous time as usual. As I was chatting with Mrs. Campbell and the rest of the fun Atrium people about the strange Marky-pants incident, Jacob flitted by. After we made the same humorous remark at the same time, Jacob went outside to talk to someone's mom. And we didn't let him back in. So he pounded on the door, called us "evil witches" and gave us the double finger. Finally we let him back in, but only because we were clearly not of sound mind as we were completely overcome with laughter. (This was all my idea. Clearly, certain people bring out all the good evil ideas in me.)

English was quite funny. Chelsea and George are siblings now...? And Stary stole Chelsea's money. Then Erik managed to get Chelsea's notebook taken away but refused to believe that it was his fault when it clearly was. For someone so smart, he can really be stupid. The walk to French was highly amusing, too.

French was insane. Apparently I have to find Madame a good fake black Chanel or a good fake Burberry over the summer. She and I seriously spent ten minutes chatting about fake purses. This is why she is amazing at life. And we learned Le Futur, which I forgot that we didn't learn already. I don't know. And we talked about the evil stupid Fire Codes which are making us completely devoid of happy decor.

And... um... Comp Lit was not only awful but Pencil Case-less. Sigh.

12.12.2005

While You Were Out

Okay, this is just going to be a massive quote post of funny statements from when I was typing-challenged.

Stary: That looks like an inspirational quote that should be at the bottom of a poster with dolphins and stars and crap on it.

Chelsea, to Stary: Your room is depressing.
Jill: Yeah... the Scottish stuff has got to go.

Madame: Katia calls me baby. Like, "No, Baby, I don't want to wear that! I like puppies!"

Me: Vicky... I am going to ask you a ridiculous favor. Can you put my headphones on?

Our French class Google searches for "Andy Nakis", known as "Andy Milonakis" to everyone who is not Madame.

Madame, out of nowhere: Is Usher gay?

(Pencil Case is wrapping his arms around a pole.)
Madame: Are you practicing?

Mrs. Campbell: Yeah... school lunches are definitely fab.

Clare: There's a ghost in my notebook! I was just drawing and letters appeared!
Stary: Clare, that is the imprint of the words from the page before.
Clare: Ohhhhh.

Mrs. Campbell: Joseph McCarthy was expelled from Congress.
Jackie: What did he do afterward?
Mrs. Campbell: He died.
Mark: Awww, he died of a broken heart!
Mrs. Campbell: No, he died of a stupid brain.

Pencil Case: How do you say sassy?
Madame: There is no such word.
Pencil Case: Yeah right! I am going to go look it up.
Me: Did you say that just so he would look it up?
Madame: Yes.
Pencil Case: It's in here! It's an adjective!!
Madame, very sarcastically: No way.

Erik: Was our book written by a woman?
Mr. H: No, it was written by a man, who sadly has left our planet. I can't wait until I die so I can get to meet him... except he's probably in HELL.

Mrs. Campbell: Oh, man capris... Mr. Schultz's brother used to wear those in my class.
Allison: My dad has a pair of those! He wears them for golfing!
Mrs. Campbell: Allison, those are knickers.

Stary: The Ghost of Haircuts Past.

Stary: Gout is not an STD.

Life Lessons from Mrs. Campbell: "If you buy a bagel on a Wednesday, it's stale." (She can't tell you this before you buy a bagel on Wednesday, though, only afterward when you discover it is gross as anything.)

Mrs. Campbell: So how is theology, a.k.a. Sophomore Sex Talk?
Me: Disgusting. I just close my eyes, praying that I will fall asleep so I don't have to listen to it.
Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, but by the time you fell asleep, all those words would probably have soaked into your brain and you'd have some gross sex dream.
[Long pause.]
Me: You are warped.

[Alex and I are setting up Christmas lights for the stage for Mr. NDA]
Me: Did you know that lights have a female part and a male part?
Alex: Really? I bet I can guess which is which!
Me: Yeah... except that this one has both, so I guess it has a hermaphrodite part.

Madame: Oh my god! It looks like Bart Simpson!

Mrs. Campbell: Yeah, some Russians came over to my house. They always bring really elaborate gifts, and you know what they brought me? This very intricate dress. For a wine bottle. It even had sleeves. Wine bottles do not have arms!

"Chelsea, wrong floor!"

Anna: I saw a commercial once that said, "If you are a man with a uterus, this drug is not for you."

12.06.2005

I'm back.

For real this time! I now have the capability of typing with both my hands. Wow- an amazing feat, really. (That was sarcasm.)

Today was a pretty interesting day. Lots of crazy stories which I: a) don't know how to appropriately comment upon and b) don't really want to comment upon because that is what the people who do these sorts of things are looking for. But today was a pretty entertaining day.

Bio review game was totally out of control. I love that my team lost to, um, Joe's team. We felt highly stupid. And we were really an obnoxious class on the whole today, not just the same few people.

Geo/Trig was pretty boring, but I actually understand what we are doing, even if it takes about eighty steps just to solve a single problem.

History was its usual out of control self.

Jackie: What do Baptists do at parties, anyway?
Mrs. Campbell: Um... I don't know. Pray? Baptize people?

[Mark does something crazy.]
Mrs. Campbell: Mark, don't. That was... [thinks for a word]... disturbing.

[After Erik's rant about "bastille".]
Mrs. Campbell: I took Spanish for four years in high school, but the only thing I remember how to say is "young lady, get that gum out of your mouth!" because that was the only thing ever said to me in that class. And I never quite understood how to say "can I...?" or "can I go to...?" so my way of asking to go to the bathroom was "Donde esta el banyo, por favore?" They probably thought I was really stupid... I speak sign language too. And I speak mime.

Theology is the most uncomfortable thing in the world. I hate talking about sex. I don't want to talk about sex with, oh, anyone in that class. It is ridiculous.

Lunch, Pencil Case made me almost vomit by hacking up some gross dry-mucus-y thing. I gagged. Then he smelled it and tried to get me to do the same. I gagged again.

English class was fun. We talked about public punishment, stupid criminals, and even The Scarlet Letter for a bit. I think the new strategy is to start us off on something that seems off-topic and then relate it to what is the topic, because otherwise we get crazy pretty quickly.

Stary: It was like how you can find out if any sex offenders live in your area now... so you know not to let your children walk home with them. The people knew Hester was an adulteress, and so they knew she was a danger to their husbands.

(Or something like that. I know I worded that wrong, but you get the gist.)

French test was kind of okay. It was all grammar, so I didn't really mind it, but it was very long. I mean, I spent longer on that test than I spent on either one of my exams last year. That is kind of crazy. But I didn't think it was a bad test. Plus, finishing it today means I get free time tomorrow, which is fun.

Comp Lit is such a ridiculous class. She now doesn't let me go work on other things when I'm done, she makes me work ahead in the book. Whatever. I actually just look at crazy pictures from school functions that you can find in your files and watch Pencil Case's psychotic Power Point presentations.

After school today was quite entertaining. Alex is insane and we laugh at things nobody else understands. And Vicky and Krista are hilarious.

Alex: What does she look like? I want to go see this slut woman.
Me: Um... okay, Alex. You go look for sluts. Because that doesn't sound awkward at all.
[Another of those things nobody understands.]

Krista, making fun of random kids who were throwing around a ball made of masking tape: Yep, I like to spend my free time throwing a ball made of masking tape.

11.23.2005

A Quick One

So, just to write something on here:

1 . Elbow update- I went to get my stitches out yesterday and, because I am extra-super-good at bone-healing, I do not need another cast. This is good news (mostly beacause I can wear sweaters again.) However, I still have a sling and very minimal range of motion, so I'm still typing with one hand, so I still won't be blogging. But, by December 13th, I will be back. You have a date now. Put it on your calendars.

2. Bizarre things this blog gets hit for (I wanted to write something mildly humorous, so here it is:)

-"Russian trailer trash"
-"Kelly Ripa's kids names" (at least three times a week)
-"rock me like my back ain't got no bone" (that was a song we heard in Paris that Kathy would not stop singing)
-"animated tall giraffe with very short legs running"
-"(various celebrities mentioned on here) naked"
-"Roni Deutch"

Yes. Life is crazy. Have a good Thanksgiving, everybody.

11.11.2005

I'll be back in a while.

So, thanks to a lovely broken elbow, emergency surgery, and a soft cast, I am limited to one hand and probably won't be blogging for a while because typing is just the most ridiculous one-handed activity, ever.

So I'll be back as quickly as I can, I promise I won't quit blogging, remember to check every once in a while because I really swear I'm coming back as soon as my extreme typing skills are back. ♥

11.08.2005

"My plant, my plant, my plant is on fire!"

This morning, I had a dental appointment and so I didn't arrive to school until halfway through second hour. I reported to the main office with my much-necessary appointment verification in hand, and when I got to the main office, it was quite the party. Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Campbell, Mr. Brooker, and my favorite male senior Mike were there and they pretty much all started speaking to me at once.

Mrs. Smith: Where were you? Were you skipping study hall, or did you just get to school now?!
Me: I had a dentist appointment!
Mrs. Campbell: Ooooh! Do your teeth feel all clean?
Me: Yes.
Mrs. Brown: Oh, Kellie, your freshman ID is on my desk. I don't know why, but it is.
Me, laughing: Oh. Okay.
[Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Smith leave.]
Me: It smells like something is burning. Do you guys smell that? That burnt-things smell?
Mrs. Campbell: That is what I said! Hey, Mr. Brooker, maybe your plant is on fire in your office.
Mr. Brooker, singing as he walks away: My plant, my plant, my plant is on fire!
[Mike and I look at each other and just laugh.]
Mike: Wow... that pretty much completed my life.

Anyway. Bio was insane. Even though I was twenty minutes late and therefore technically absent, Mrs. Mayer made me take the test. Which I had not studied for because I knew I would be technically-absent from class and would just take Wednesday or Thursday during study hall. But no. She made me take it. I was so confused by this sudden burst of hardassness.

Geo/Trig was pretty exciting because both Mr. H and Kathleen are pretty much completely ADD.

Mr. H: I am a little ADD today.
Kathleen: Oh my god! So am I!
Mr. H: I didn't say "a lot ADD", Kathleen.
Kathleen: Ohhhh! Burn!
Mr. H: Burrrrrn burrrrn burrrrrrn!! [Long pause.] Burrrrrn!

History was actually almost sane for, like, five minutes. Well, not really. But we were sanely doing a very sane assignment. Basically, we are having a quiz on the Amendments next Monday, and we get a cheat sheet... but we can't have any words. So we basically have to draw the Amendments.

Erik: Why are you even giving us this assignment?
Mrs. Campbell: Well... I really like to just look at them and laugh.

So, we were all innocently just drawing our Amendments, and after Alyssa being unable to read and me thinking that hands had four fingers, Jacob decided he hadn't gotten attention for a while. So he freaked out. This was probably just as much a freakout as yesterday.

Actually, first he showed us the referral he got from Tan Pants. And you know what it says on it? "Making orgasm noises." Jacob gets the most weird referrals, believe you me. But back to his freak-out.

Jacob: You asked two girls yesterday if they thought I was crazy!
Mrs. Campbell: Jacob, you hit me. You hit me with a nail file.

Jacob: THAT'S IT! I'M DONE WITH THIS SCHOOL! I'M DROPPING OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL AND GOING TO BEAUTY SCHOOL!
[Jacob walks out of the room and no one even notices. Mrs. Campbell picks up the phone.]
Mrs. Campbell: I just wanted you to know that Jacob just left my classroom. So he's, um, on the loose. [Hangs up.]

Theology was ridiculous. I think we start talking about sex tomorrow. Specifically, sex positions... oh dear god. I just have one question: if the Pope and all our church leaders are celibate, why does he get to decide all these sexual things?! I'm not implying anything, I'm just saying, what do they know? Seriously.

Lunch is demented. Most ridiculous, disgusting, disturbing conversation of my life, for sure. I am not even talking about it. Probably ever. But now that I think about it, it really was hilarious. Oh, as was getting "beaten up" and harassed by Jacob... oh god, can we say "emotional instability."

I love English. Today we had the WKCE writing test. Which had the stupidest topic ever. They could at least make the writing portion fun for, you know, a few people. And Stary makes me laugh. And he had some very funny comments about the censorship of the play, which I'm not writing because I'm never quite sure who all reads this.

Gavin: Do I really have to do this?
Stary: Well, you could just close your book and not write a thing, but I would think much less of you as a man.

In French we discussed new uniforms and the riots in Paris. Comp Lit was more of the usual, and after school was really fun. Alex and I stayed after and helped Mrs. Brown with Mr. NDA and Fall Fest stuff. I made a really pretty poster. It is on the Commons doors that lead to the auditorium, and it is actually really nice. You might not believe I made it, but I did.